Sit, Ubu, Sit

Sunday is Chinese New Year's Day.

1982 represent!

My year, the Year of the Dog, hath returned.

What does it mean to be a dog?

People born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of human nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They care little for wealth, yet somehow always seem to have money. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders. They are compatible with those born in the Years of the Horse (1978), Tiger (1986), and Rabbit (1987).

In other words, Dog People are Dwight Schrute.

There must be a better term than "Dog People." Dog Soldiers? Ruff Ryders?

Pity the Cock People of 1981.

Anyway, I understand skepticism toward horoscopes, but I think that's a fairly accurate description of me. I can't speak for the rest of "dog nation" though.

My mother sent me an e-mail regarding Chinese New Year's Day.

On January 28th, from 11 P.M. onwards to Jan 29, 11 P.M., there are certain restrictions that should be observed, to ensure good luck and prosperity in the new year.

You should not eat crab, yams, mustard greens, daikon, grapes which includes wine, pumpkin seeds, duck eggs. However, you should eat dragoneye fruits, green apples, oranges, white sesame seeds, and bananas.

You should not wear these colors: tops should not be green, black or pink. Skirts or pants should not be yellow or grey. You should wear these colors: orange or red tops, and brown or blue pants or skirts.

However, there are a few more restrictions for special Chinese zodiac animals: Tiger (1986), horse (1978), dog (1982), snake (1977), rooster (1981), ox (1985).

They should not eat pears, all kinds of squash, shrimp, lobster, fish without scales like eels, and sweet rice.

The above animals should not wear black hats, or pink/white/red color accessories, including pendants and rings. They should not wear white/red/brown tops, and purple or green pants. They also should not go to graveyards or disaster areas.

Leave it to the Chinese to make New Year's Day a fuckin' brainteaser.

I'll be sure not to celebrate at a cemetery, mom!

Big Dogs' t-shirt designs are reliably lame and tacky, but this shirt just might be the lamest and tackiest one the company has ever produced.