Previously on Adam Riff:
Sayid: Who are you?
Sayid: Lies! You are one of them!
Locke: [pedaling exercise bike] That's right, John. Pretend you're Lance Armstrong. Feel the cancer spreading in your testicles. [rumbling] What the… Why are all the entryways to the living area in the hatch closing?
Locke: Well, shit. I need to push the mysterious button soon. Let's see… I could crawl through the vent in the pantry…or I could free the suspicious prisoner!
Locke: Thanks for helping me lift this door, dude. After I push the mysterious button, I'm-a get you a new shirt. You look like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance.
Henry: Be careful.
Locke: Don't wo [door collapses] KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS! There's a door peg in my thigh!
Henry: What do we do now?
Locke: I need you to crawl through the vent in the pantry and push the mysterious button for me.
Locke: [groan] Where the hell is Jack?
Jack: All in.
Sawyer: I call.
[Jack reveals cards]
Jack: Hand over the medical supplies.
"Have you checked the children?"
Locke: Who dat?
[ultraviolet lights turn on, illuminate mysterious map on collapsed door]
Locke: Hey… When did I ejaculate on my pants?
[ultraviolet lights turn off, regular lights turn on, collapsed door opens]
Henry: I'm still here! Hold on. [into phone] It's Yelena. Locke is not dead.
Sayid: Step away from him!
Sayid: I found your balloon and your wife's grave just like you said, but inside the grave was a man! [flashes driver's license of a black man named "Henry Gale"]
Henry: Oh that… Heh. What can I say? DMVs aren't photography studios.
Next week on Lost:
Sayid: Would a real woman have to wear one of THESE?
[pulls corpse's hair]
Sayid: Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing THESE?
Sawyer: I call.
Sawyer: Dammit! [sigh] Take the fuckin' guns, Diet Pepsi can.