Night Flares

If I could change one thing about myself, I'd cure my snoring.

I'm a snorer — a loud one, I'm told.

All my life, sleeping has been a major hang-up of mine.

NO ONE wants to be around a snorer at night.

At science camp in sixth grade, my cabin mates all hated me for snoring. I heard that one night, Tommy Minton contemplated stuffing socks in my mouth.

In college, my snoring drove every one of my dorm mates to using earplugs. Helpless and haunted by guilt, the best I could do was avoid alcohol, because drinking exacerbates snoring.

Of all the social handicaps…

I'd trade places with a fat person in a heartbeat.

Okay, that's not true, but you get my point.

In recent years, when faced with a situation that requires sleeping in proximity to other people, I force myself to sleep on my side.

I read that sleeping on your side mitigates snoring.

Problem is, falling asleep on my side is challenging. I was raised sleeping on my back. I normally sleep on my back.

But I don't want to spoil other people's sleep!

So I lie uncomfortably on my side for an hour or two until I pass out.

Do I still snore? Probably. No one's ever raised the issue though.

I assume they're just being polite.