Previously on Adam Riff:
I'm attending a wedding on Saturday, the first of three this summer.
My second cousin Eddie married his college sweetheart on a country club golf course.
New rule: Summer weddings must be indoors.
Eddie introduced me to wrestling and fantasy sports.
I'd never seen such a large wedding party. The bride and her maids could've played baseball against the groom and his men.
I opened the program.
Call to Worship… Scripture Reading… Pastoral Encouragement… The veil symbolizes the Lord's protection… The candle symbolizes the Lord's guidance… Worship Songs… Prayer…
"Oof," I thought. "I forgot the bride is Filipino."
Turns out that Eddie is the pious one.
He mouthed the lyrics to both worship songs and opened the reception by saying grace.
According to his pastor, he quotes scripture to his girl when she's distressed.
I had no idea. Eddie's happy-go-lucky demeanor belies his inner Jesus freak. I felt ambushed.
Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You
You are my King, You are my King
Jesus You are my King
Give thanks to the Lord
Our God and King
His love endures forever
For He is good,
He is above all things
His love endures forever
Sing praise, sing praise
"Why am I listening to this at a wedding?" I thought. "Fuck, it's hot."
I've attended some religious weddings, but nothing like Eddie's. Literally every element of the evening praised God.
The vows praised God. All four toasts praised God. Even the slideshow praised God!
E and C met because of God. God will keep E and C together. God God God God God!
One toastee mentioned that the two read scripture together at night.
I wonder how a wedding slideshow would play at the bride or groom's funeral.
"See that boy wearing the blue tie?"
"He was a test tube baby."
"His mother had cancer and couldn't conceive."
I loathe "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve, but it's pretty spectacular as entrance music to a wedding reception.
The bride walked down the aisle to "Your Song" by Elton John. Bride and groom exited to "Cherish" by Madonna and cut the cake to "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional.
Apparently, God requested pop songs
"'Canon in D' is so banal."
With so many Filipino people in attendance, I was tempted to request "Thriller" when the dance floor opened.
"That boy, the test tube baby…"
"A white woman birthed him."
My mother was a tad preoccupied at the reception.
Fondant is like fat on steak or skin on chicken.