I have spent more time in Michigan than I have on the entire eastern seaboard.
My latest 60-hour visit yielded a week's worth of content.
I'm-a discuss personal stuff today.
Jon and Erin's Wedding
I can now say that I've attended the wedding of someone I befriended online — without a soc-net, no less. An AIM cold call in the summer of 2001 somehow endured. As I'm not the easiest person to deal with — during pre-wedding festivities, Jon exhumed the night I shamefully contemplated stabbing Jord — I could not pass up the invitation.
"Is it just me or are the Wankers all balding?"
The wedding clocked in at approximately 20 minutes, which is five minutes longer than what I feel a wedding should last. At least the filler was interesting.
A wedding is like a wrestling match. The audience will pop for the entrances and the finish, but you can easily lose them in between. Wedding attendees just won't chant "boring."
"I now pronounce you husband and wife!"
"Ho-ly shit! Ho-ly shit!"
At divorce court:
"You fucked up! You fucked up!"
Idea: A wedding equivalent of comedy traffic school.
"Can we stop at a drugstore? After that ceremony, I need a new envelope for my 'card.'"
"Why? I think it's fine as is."
"Uh…no. There is a joke about titties glued to the back!"
After the third time, the charm of clanging for a kiss at a wedding reception wears off.
At my mythical reception:
"You want a kiss? A pound of flesh!"
"Another kiss?"
One of the attendees resembled a WASPy version of Tony, which was distracting and leads me to a sub-post I call…
Awkward Encounters with Tony's Dad and His Girlfriend
1. On my way toward the bar to bus my hors d'oeuvre plate:
"Jon? Jon Yu?"
I froze.
Who is…? Oh that's Tony's dad!
"Hey…"
Before I could start a conversation — "Long time no see. You look good." (I know, [groan]) — he introduced his girlfriend and everything died.
"Hi."
[pause]
I continued toward the bar; they slunk away.
2. While watching the DJ soundcheck in the ballroom, Tony's dad and his girlfriend walked by. He saw that I was nursing a Diet Pepsi and gestured "chug."
3. While strolling through the garden area of the estate, I saw Tony's dad and his girlfriend approaching and instinctively fled in the opposite direction.
A man stood outside the men's restroom.
"You know that multiple people can use this restroom, right?"
"Yes. Women are currently inside."
"Ah. A lookout."
A woman who I assume is his wife exited.
"Another woman is still inside."
"Okay."
Ethan then joined me outside the restroom.
"Uh…is it full?"
"A woman is inside."
"Oh."
[pause]
Neither Ethan nor I have ever actually tried, but I'm not sure global warming could break the ice between us.
He shot me a weird look as I pulled out a camera in the restroom to photograph myself in the mirror.
I never took the photograph.
//rewind//
The woman holding up the men's restroom finally exited.
4. It was Tony's dad's girlfriend.
The slightest pressure to insert myself in social gatherings generally effects a retreat inward. Back at my hotel, I fretted that my emotionally distant demeanor may have marred Jon and Erin's special day (egoist that I am).
But I don't think anything could ruin this.
Yes! Great post.
…tear…