Maybe what I miss most about being a Christian is that whenever it's late at night, I'm all alone and not distracted, and this feeling of profound emptiness washes over me, I could just say "That's supposed to be there, that's the hole in your heart that only God can fill. Don't worry, it'll be filled when you're in heaven."

I don't have that anymore. When everyone I love is asleep, when I've won all the games I can win, when I've watched all of the shows and movies I can stand, there's still a gaping hole in my chest. I can almost literally feel like, right on the edge of my senses. When it's especially strong I'll even move my shoulders in closer to my chest, my torso closer to my legs. If left unchecked, I would end up in the fetal position.

If I'm not constantly doing things to fill this emptiness, I just can't stand to be. It's debilitating sometimes. I'm searching for a vaguely familiar sense of fulfillment, trying to recapture something that I'm sure has only ever existed in my memory.

This is going to sound weird, but I think the answer is children. I feel like if my children are sleeping, I can be content.

As an essential atheist, I believe immortality is achieved through having children. You pass on not only your genes, but a part of yourself to your children, and they will pass it on to theirs, and so on. If humans exist four hundred years from now and your genetic line has gone unbroken, then parts of you are still alive. The care with which you raised your children four hundred years ago, the things you taught them by good example or bad, those will still be making a difference in the future. As far as I'm concerned, children are a religion, and in the values I teach them I will find salvation.

I hope?

• profound emptiness