Adam Riff™

41. Schoolhouse Roots (Black-ish, S04E01)

Honourable Mention

• Richard Branson throws water at Mark Cuban (Shark Tank, S09E01)
• Trippie pitch (Shark Tank, S09E02)
• Death by nail gun (American Horror Story, S07E05)
• Incontinence in a bookstore (Better Things, S02E04)

Stray Observations

• Fanimated (Bob's Burgers, S08E01)
• "I like dating." (Bob's Burgers, S08E01)
• "The idea came from a childhood cartoon called TaleSpin. One of the characters in there would jump out of an airplane, throw a board under his feet, grab on to a rope, and get towed behind the airplane through the sky." (Shark Tank, S09E01)
• Jack Black cameo (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
• "Now let's have a moment of silent prayer while I decapitate Pat with a shovel." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
• "Looks like he loved you very much before you shot him." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
• "Hey, bud, you done with my shirt?" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
• "That Pamela is a real B – minus the stinger, plus the 'itch.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
• "Ooh, a coconut breast milk smoothie would be next level. For Dawn, not for me. Virgin. The drink, not Dawn. Well, may I presume she's a virgin as well?" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
• Constipated Carrie Brownstein (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "You guys got some great slang." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "I shot a porno constipated. I ran a 5K marathon constipated. I was in a hot dog eating contest constipated. You cannot let this bitch use constipation as something to lean on." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "That's a fuckin' bride. You a goddamn groom." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "It's a cooking spray, PAM."
  "No, it's People Against Mutilation." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "If it was a parrot, it would be a tragedy, or some exotic bird from Brazil, like a macaw or a toucan."
  "I don't live in a Cuban dance hall." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "Cruditake." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "Fatwa by association." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "Fatwa?"
  "No, lesbian bride." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
• "It is big, isn't it?"
  "Why are you asking me?"
  "Well, you're the one I stick it in, Christine. Who else am I gonna ask?"
  "Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I don't know. I haven't seen a lot of penises."
  "Well, certainly you know if it's, if it's small…"
  "It's perfect for me… Big ones hurt."
  "Well, I could hurt you. I could hit both walls if I wanted – and your uterus." (Vice Principals, S02E03)

(Vice Principals, S02E03)

• "Well, you're not even my type either."
  "Okay…"
  "I don't like it when girls have just landing strips. I've always liked it more when girls have full-blown beavers. Anybody who knows me knows that. So no matter how close we would have gotten, it would have only been so close, 'cause you just don't have enough pubic hair. [sniffles]" (Vice Principals, S02E03)
• "I am Presidentress of the Megagargantuans. We named ourselves before learning we were small." (Rick and Morty, S03E10)
• "Senior year, I took you on a date to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the park. At this point in the song from Volcano, when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers are using cars to guide the lava into a cul de sac, I realized my palms were so sweaty, I would never get to hold your hand…" (Rick and Morty, S03E10)
• Rick and Morty Season Grade: C+
• "I was a contestant on Studs once." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E01)
• "You ready, son?"
  "Is The Secret World of Alex Mack the best show on television?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E01)
• "What are you worried about? Relax… Have some Molly." (The Mick, S02E02)
• "What about Magic Johnson's Still Alive Day?" (Black-ish, S04E01)
• "UVA."
  "We built that."
  "Chapel Hill."
  "We built that."
  "Pyramids."
  "No, sorry, our Hebrew brothers get credit for that." (Black-ish, S04E01)
• "You've never truly loved until you've loved your cousin." (Black-ish, S04E01)
• "Grab a blonde and miscegenate." (Black-ish, S04E01)

(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)

• "Imagination is never the solution." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
• "There is nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
• "Ugh, typical shiksa." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
• "The perception of credibility leads to the perception of power." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
• "The world isn't 'tell me,' it's 'show me.'" (American Horror Story, S07E05)
• "Latin is inherently scary." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
• "Ave Satanas, motherfucker." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
• "The world record for nails in the head before death is 13." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
• The Red Pill (American Horror Story, S07E05)
• "It's not fair that I get to put up these walls and you can't with me, so I think it's only fair that I reveal myself to you."
  "Are you going to show me your…?"
  "No! But I am gonna show you…my emotional penis." (Speechless, S02E02)
• ♫: Holy Oysters – "Take Me for a Ride" (You're the Worst, S04E06)
• "One of my employees is blackmailing me – Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, A Little Bit Chowder Now."
  "Oh, the place with the, the chowder fountain."
  "No, that's Pump Up the Clam. Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder. [gags] How did we ever think this was the Good Place?" (The Good Place, S02E04)
• "I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe." [pats head while rubbing stomach] (The Good Place, S02E04)
• "Oh, no… I died in Cleveland?" (The Good Place, S02E04)
• "Not gonna do it – Dana Carvey." (Great News, S02E02)
• "Look at these two. Just like Sam and Diane."
  "From Cheers, the classic '80s alcoholism PSA?"
  "No, Salmon Diane, the classic fish recipe. Just salmon and nacho cheese. You wouldn't think they would go together, and in many ways, they do not." (Great News, S02E02)
• "With the help of a guy from Craigslist, our tailor was able to take all the measurements he needed." (Nathan For You, S04E02)

(Nathan For You, S04E02)

• "I also had a cane with a secret trigger that could dispense organic sour cream on demand, a trucker hat with a built-in cheese grater to deliver fresh cheddar cheese, and lastly, a cargo pocket full of chives." (Nathan For You, S04E02)
• "I did feel a little bad that no one wanted anything to do with our wart angels that day." (Nathan For You, S04E02)
• "Uh, type of pacemaker you have?"
  "Umm… I think it's uhhh… Sony?" (Nathan For You, S04E02)
• ♫: Barnes and Barnes – "Fish Heads" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek

40. The Tipping Point (Nathan For You, S04E01)

Honourable Mention

• Chaz Bono sawing his arm off to go vote for Trump on election night (American Horror Story, S07E04)
• Ace Ventura impersonator (Nathan For You, S04E01)
• Papyrus (Saturday Night Live, S43E01)
• Breadfacing (American Vandal, S01E07)

Stray Observations

• "Confess into my voice-mail application now!" (Vice Principals, S02E02)
• "Ms. LeBlanc, why don't you take your Euripides and shove it up your ass?" (Vice Principals, S02E02)
• "Wow, dad, your place looks way less like a crack house."
  "It's actually clean, like a cocaine house." (Rick and Morty, S03E09)
• "Whatever you say, Stone Cold Steve Austin." (Rick and Morty, S03E09)
• ♫: Dan Harmon and Ryan Elder – "Fathers and Daughters (feat. Chaos Chaos)"
• "Get me Picante Beef, bitch boy." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
• "Are you really playing the gay card right now?"
  "Yaas queen." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
• "I can't believe we're going to gen pop. A cop and a cannibal? Everyone's gonna be trying to kill us."
  "I know! What are we gonna do?"
  "You're a psychopath. You can protect us in there, right? I mean, you killed an ate a bunch of people."
  "They were children, Jake. Meek little children. One conk on the head was all it took."
  "Dammit! I can't believe I'm friends with a cowardly cannibal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
• "Man, my cousin was so tasty." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
• "Okay, look, I've been in prison for 15 years. I'm not good with new technology. If you want somebody to lure a kid to a park using a Lycos chat room, I'm your man." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
• "I'll grab you in the pussy!" (American Horror Story, S07E04)
• "Young guys just don't appreciate how sensitive women's nipples are." (American Horror Story, S07E04)
• "I'm gonna be on the TODAY Show one day, and I don't care how many dicks I have to suck to get there." (American Horror Story, S07E04)
• "Are you gonna watch?" (American Horror Story, S07E04)
• "You know, they just used this song in Guardians of the Galaxy." (Speechless, S02E01)

(South Park, S21E03)

• "There are no stray dogs in Berlin! The animal welfare system is tight!" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
• "You said you befriended Fatboy Slim on our behalf."
  "Okay, guys, but think about that. What does that even mean?" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
• "It'll work. I'm a publicist. You ever hear the one that goes 'Courtney Love is smart now'?"
  "That was you?" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
• "Sushi and the Banshees." (The Good Place, S02E03)
• Clam chowder fountain (The Good Place, S02E03)
• "Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting because it's basically a savoury latte with bugs in it." (The Good Place, S02E03)
• "And clam chowder is disgusting! It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons." (The Good Place, S02E03)
• "I've only ever said 'I love you' to two men my entire life: Stone Cold Steve Austin, and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin." (The Good Place, S02E03)
• "Everyone remain calm! Read my mug!" (Great News, S02E01)
• "I just wanted to make sure that you're okay, you know, 'cause I am in a relationship."
  "Oh, I know, I know, with…Cat, who is…a person."
  "She's in heat right now."
  [pause]
  "They're doing a Broadway remake of the movie." (Great News, S02E01)
• "Now, Rex, I have to imagine you have something to say about animal sacrifice as a homosexual dog…who also served in the militaryyy!" (Great News, S02E01)
• Henry Thomas (Better Things, S02E03)
• Billy West and Tom Kenny (Better Things, S02E03)
• "I'm the editor-in-chief of the Diarrhea Times." (Nathan For You, S04E01)
• "Your lead story is a movie review of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist?" (Nathan For You, S04E01)
• "Entering a bank handcuffed to another man is a very risky manoeuvre." (Nathan For You, S04E01)
• ♫: Pavement – "Summer Babe [Winter Version]" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E07)
• "How short are we talking?"
  "Well, it's, um… It's pretty short. Like, shorter than Dorothy Hamill's, but not as short as Mark Hamill – somewhere mid-Hamill?" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E07)
• Gordon! (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E07)
• American Vandal Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek

Looking ahead: