Adam Riff™

34. The Vacuum Cleaners Collectors Club Convention (How To with John Wilson, S03E04)

Stray Observations

• "But another female killer? That's so done." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E03)
• "Do you remember what my doctor told me on my eighth birthday?"
  "That it was time to stop breastfeeding."
  "And what did you say?"
  "That you should never give up on something you love." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E03)

(Harley Quinn, S04E06)

• Gordon whiskey callback (Harley Quinn, S04E06)
• "Your greatest accomplishment was getting a nut milk to accept me." (Harley Quinn, S04E06)
• </Warrior, S03>
• "'Not a human, not yet a vampire,' to paraphrase one of your contemporary musical troubadours." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E07)
• "Nolej" (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E07)
• "It also says that the immigrant was a talented writer."
  "It does?"
  "'Stories about sexual escapades while flying in the sky.'"
  "That's right: sky fucking." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E07)

(Minx, S02E05)

• "What is this is my calling?"
  "This?"
  "Tiny marshmallows never jammed tennis rackets on their cocks." (Minx, S02E05)
• CM Punk and AJ Lee (Heels, S02E04)
• "What the fuck are all these extra planets?"
  "The invisible ones the humans don't know about yet: Earth Four, Megan thee Planet, and Their-Anus." (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "Are you, like, dating?"
  "No, she's my co-replicant."
  "They're totally dating, gross. They're like Oldboy." (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "Ugh, it's like one of those long, elaborate non-joke jokes, like the humor of Maria Bamford." (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "Ah, no! I'm fucking covered in dicks years too early!" (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "People are stupid and confusing. It's disgusting how they treat bananas. They just strip their peels and throw them away. That's the banana's house, you assholes!" (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Why did you even need the Pupa? I don't like him exposed to all this stupidity. Next thing you know, he'll be rooting for the Astros and chugging Five Loko." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Don't make me show you my Timothée Chalamet moves." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Oh, fuck, are you Gerald's Game-ing me?"
  "You're the one who taught me to use mid-tier Stephen King plots to get my way."
  "Korvo, don't Gerald's Game me! Wait! I fell asleep in that movie, and I don't know how it ends." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Oh, they have a Displaced Aboriginal Steakhouse! Let's get some Uluru Poppers." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Thomas Bahama flip-flops" (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "I was a high-end escort working Capitol Hill. Got peed on by most of the senators. I won't say names."
  "Ted Cruz?"
  "Ugh, I wish. It was way more involved with Ted." (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "What should we do?"
  "There's a Super Smash Bros. Melee exhibit at the Museum of Useless Art." (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "Why would I be excited about having a tongue in my butt while they sing 'Bad Romance'?" (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "Stouffer's Stove Top Stuffing exists in the world of this show, even if it's a shared false memory in real life." (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• Mouse Trap cage (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• Wordle shirt (Solar Opposites, S04E04)
• "This is my rock bottom. This is my 2 Fast 2 Furious." (Solar Opposites, S04E04)
• "I appreciate the thought, but I prefer to head home so I can play the new Madden in my room."
  "Forget the massively popular, Good Charlotte-themed video game." (Solar Opposites, S04E05)
• "Wish I could be there with you in person, but I've got so many other gigs."
  "Hell yeah, you do. O'Connell works!" (Solar Opposites, S04E05)
• "Infinite power is intoxicating, I always said that. Or wait, was it 'Characters welcome'?" (Solar Opposites, S04E05)
• "You like? I jacked up the sexy with a little titty window." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "Whoop-whoop! That's what's up, son!"
  "Put a quarter in the Juggalo jar." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "Padma loves a crunch." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "It's just a bunch of ladies throwing down some salads."
  "Don't be fooled. They aren't allowed to eat the salads. They can only hover a bite right next to their mouths. It can make a bitch crazy. Just ask Ryan Seacrest." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "Jesse's righteousness doth toast thy titties whilth her divine light dry-eth thy bush." (Solar Opposites, S04E07)
• "How the fuck are you winning in Monopoly: The Wire Edition when you've never watched the show?"
  "Why don't you bitch at your pewter McNulty?" (Solar Opposites, S04E08)
• "Grandma taught me never to turn down a glowing skeleton." (Solar Opposites, S04E09)

(Solar Opposites, S04E09)

• Nancy Silverton (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "I just wanted to bring a little slice of Highland Park to you." (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Keep saying IKEA merch, it gets me so fuckin' hot!" (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Sister, it's sealed shut with Nickelodeon Floam. It's impenetrable when frozen."
  "We can still chip away at it."
  "It's not Gak, you fuckin' idiot." (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Where's Nancy?"
  "She had to scoot, official Chi Spacca business." (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go to Cos' and get linen pants." (Solar Opposites, S04E11)
• "That hasheesh man is living in part of my stardrive!" (Solar Opposites, S04E11)
• </Solar Opposites, S04>
• "You think if we both didn't have dead dads, we'd know how to drive a truck?"
  "Jillian… Maybe." (Killing It, S02E01)
• "I don't know what to tell you, ma'am. If you're unhappy, you can put your cell phone
  in this tablet, and you'll receive a link to our complaint form."
  "Did you just trick me into getting marketing texts?"
  "If you don't want to receive those anymore, just text '1' back. You'll get an activation
  code, and it'll allow you to open up a Car Wow account. And after you set that up, download the app, and you'll be able to—"
  "I don't want an online form. I want to speak to someone who will help me get my stolen car back."
  "Okay. I can have you speak to Mira."
  "Thank you."
  "She's our online virtual—"
  "No!
  "Why do I keep getting texts from Car Wow? I didn't fill out a complaint form."
  "By connecting to our Wi-Fi, you've consented to receive marketing materials." (Killing It, S02E02)
• "Bugs is smart. He got in on Uber early. He was the second driver." (Killing It, S02E03)
• "My penis smells from driving, so I think I should just go take a quick shower." (Killing It, S02E03)
• Collecting a debt from a debt collector (Killing It, S02E03)
• "Fuckin' Ashley Furniture, Marty?" (Killing It, S02E03)
• "Camille and I are friends. We were actually married."
  "Oh, hell yeah. We gotta get you a spring roll." (Killing It, S02E04)
• "I was gonna have Tiffany shit out those diamonds, but I guess they're cutting her up inside, and she needs surgery."
  "Hey, fam, so a twist. I might lose my asshole." (Killing It, S02E04)
• "Fuck San Diego. Fucking diet Miami." (Killing It, S02E05)
• "Pitbull's libido is incredible. He has so much sex, we don't even masturbate."
  "Did you say, 'we don't even masturbate'?"
  "Yeah, because everybody knows Pitbull doesn't masturbate."
  "Does everyone know that?" (Killing It, S02E05)
• "I fucking quit this job. Fuck Pitbull. Fuck Mr. Worldwide. Fuck Linda. I'm going to masturbate." (Killing It, S02E05)
• "Sorry, she's my little Rain Man… Number, number, number, number. I'm just kidding. We're a family of Tom Cruises." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "Man, just trust me, okay? It's like Tyrese says, 'God has a plan.'"
  "Are you seriously quoting Tyrese to me right now?"
  "Or Drake or Floyd Mayweather. I don't know, they all pretty much got the same take on God." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "I'm eating this crab rangoon. Fuck you." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "Is anyone a doctor here?"
  "I'm a pimple popper!"
  "I review lotions." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "Solutions, go! Come on. Use your brain, rapid-fire. Let's go. Think, think, think. First thing that comes out of your head."
  "Stairs."
  "Stairs? You fucking dumb?"
  "That was the first thing that came to my mind." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "I'm her daughter."
  "Oh, that's funny. You two have such different accents."
  "I fucked a foreign man." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "I mean, a pretty guy like you, you're gonna be real popular behind bars, like a human suck bot. Oh, I can say that because I'm bisexual."
  "Okay." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "Jesus Christ, stop being such a pussy. You know why I can say that, right?"
  "Yeah, because you're bi." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "Fear is just a product of our imagination. It's something the great Eric Stonestreet taught me." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "Wait, all this is because Donald Trump wants a dick pic of Ted Cruz?"
  "No, I never said that. You said that. He said that, and besides, why would Donald Trump want a picture of Ted Cruz's weird-looking dick? What, so he can pull it out at meetings? Oh, shit, I don't know. That would be funny."
  "Well, how weird is Ted Cruz's dick?"
  "Well, I don't know. To go through all this trouble, it's got to be pretty fucking weird, right?" (Killing It, S02E07)
• </Killing It, S02>

33. Irish Goodbye (Warrior, S03E09)

Stray Observations

• "He's gay, so I can kiss him like that." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E01)
• "Did I stick the landing?"
  "The plane is literally scattered across the runway." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E01)
• "Hey, Oliver. How you holding up?"
  "I just ate a dinner roll." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E01)
• "Narcissism should really be more fun than this." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E01)
• "Give me five minutes in a room, and I can convince anyone of anything."
  "That is not true."
  "I convinced you to get Paramount+."
  "No, I wanted that!"
  "Did ya?" (Only Murders in the Building, S03E02)
• Sex Panther and Ant Family Adventures film posters (Only Murders in the Building, S03E02)

(Only Murders in the Building, S03E02)

• "You know, the best Chinese restaurant in Detroit is actually in Canada." (Justified: City Primeval, S01E05)
• "Give us passionate, but carefree, like you just won a bagel contest." (Harley Quinn, S04E05)
• "Do people really care about like a block of stone and three dudes just wearing Carhartt jackets? It's like they're not even wearing them in like a cool, gay way. They're wearing them in like a Boston way." (Harley Quinn, S04E05)
• "Listen, I need help. The only thing I found out from snooping is that she doesn't own a vibrator."
  "Explains a lot."
  "It makes sense." (Harley Quinn, S04E05)
• "Look what Tom Colicchio just posted."
  "'Ivy's statue is giving me life! How do I become a part of Socially Conscious Evil?'" (Harley Quinn, S04E06)
• "Now, I calculate we have exactly two minutes before Nandor finishes making pearl jam." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E06)
• "Just take a look at all these losers, hmm?"
  "Outdoor diners. They do deserve it." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E06)
• "John Slattery, please." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E06)
• "D.C + A.S.S. Forever" (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E06)
• "You may have fooled him, 'cause he has the IQ of a Russian toilet, but I know you're up
  to something, aren't you, you little sneaky Pete?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E06)
• The frog croaking "Gui…ller…mo" (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E06)
• "I call Toad."
  "Oh, I call Diddy Kong, so…"
  "Diddy Kong hasn't been in Mario Kart since the Wii."
  "Yeah, did not know that." (Heels, S02E03)
• "Thank you for your workout." (How To with John Wilson, S03E03)
• "How did it make you feel when you found out what they did?"
  "Um, made me feel proud. Made me feel good that I'd trained somebody for something committed that they were able to pull off."
  "Oh." (How To with John Wilson, S03E03)

32. Y2K in Monaco with Gene Hackman (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E09)

Honourable Mention

• Cherry's reaction to a pull-apart pecan and raisin sticky bun (Crime Scene Kitchen, S02E08)
• Cannon Man (How To with John Wilson, S03E02)
• Procrasti-bator video categories (This Fool, S02E05)
• Ball pit sex scene (Twisted Metal, S01E06)

Stray Observations

• "You're the best fucking husband I ever could've imagined. And believe me, I imagined quite a few. Ryan Phillippe, Savion Glover the tap dancer…" (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E08)
• "You know what, this is gonna take too long. There, now no one look at the cards 'cause they got my cock cooties on them." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E09)
• "Jesse, where are you going?"
  "I gotta find my daddy!"
  "What did he say?"
  "He went to find some titty!" (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E09)
• </The Righteous Gemstones, S03>
• "It's Albanian tooth extractor."
  "Well, what makes it Albanian?"
  "The fact that I'm holding it." (Justified: City Primeval, S01E04)
• ♫: James Carr – "The Dark End of the Street" (Hijack, S01E07)
• </Hijack, S01>
• "I will eat two hot dogs in your honor today." (Reservation Dogs, S03E01)
• ♫: Blaine Bailey – "Cigarettes and Roses" (Reservation Dogs, S03E01)
• ♫: Zach Bryan – "Cold Damn Vampires" (Reservation Dogs, S03E01)
• Crying Indian (Reservation Dogs, S03E02)
• "Superman wishes he had those cumgutters." (Harley Quinn, S04E04)
• "It's a lanyard for the conference. Look. Steppenwolf hasn't picked his up yet. Classic move."
  "Mmm, intergalactic dom shit." (Harley Quinn, S04E04)
• Badge for Peter Thiel (Harley Quinn, S04E04)
• "Hiding Farts at the Office: Evil Edition" (Harley Quinn, S04E04)
• "You need to take better care of yourself. Here. OJ and speed." (Minx, S02E03)
• "Wait, but Bert argued that you could drink Roundup?" (How To with John Wilson, S03E02)
• "Gracias, Esperanto y de nada y Buenos Aires."
  "Buenos Aires to you, too." (This Fool, S02E06)
• "When that hyna gave birth, and I saw that baby busting through her pussy close-up, it reminded me of that one part from Ace Ventura 2, you know, when that fool Jim is climbing out of that rhino's ass. That scene used to make me laugh. But now I know, for that rhino, it wasn't funny at all." (This Fool, S02E08)
• "Temptation is a pulsing python that looms betwixt my thighs." (This Fool, S02E08)
• "Fuck you and your Godzilla dick." (This Fool, S02E08)
• "That show makes me wanna stab myself in the heart, Elliott Smith-style." (This Fool, S02E09)
• "It's not your fault you can't call me a cunt." (This Fool, S02E09)

(This Fool, S02E10)

• "So that's when I looked you up on LinkedIn. But turns out I needed an account. So I go to set up a password, but it said the password wasn't strong enough. So then it gives me a suggested password. But I'm like, 'How the fuck am I supposed to remember all this?' It was like Z-Y, um, like, four sevens in a row and then, um, dash, a little T—" (This Fool, S02E10)
• "That's a human masa on the floor. Who did this human masa?" (This Fool, S02E10)
• </This Fool, S02>
• "I knew a milkman that fell asleep on an anthill, and those little shits ate 'em alive from the insides out. Poor bastard betrayed by his butthole." (Twisted Metal, S01E04)
• The Master of Disguise (Twisted Metal, S01E04)
• Blankman (Twisted Metal, S01E04)
• ♫: t.A.T.u. – "Not Gonna Get Us" (Twisted Metal, S01E04)
• "Dear Jon,"
  "What kind of psychopath spells John without an 'H'?" (Twisted Metal, S01E05)
• "I should lube up with oil and dick your muffler."
  "Dick her muff! Dick her muff!" (Twisted Metal, S01E08)
• "Bababooey." (Twisted Metal, S01E09)
• "Do you like wine?"
  "Uh, toilet or sink?" (Twisted Metal, S01E10)
• </Twisted Metal, S01>
• </Heartstopper, S02>

31. Energy Vampire Council (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E03)

Honourable Mention

• Self-cleaning toilet (How To with John Wilson, S03E01)

Stray Observations

• "Attention, pharmacy! I need some salves and shit for intense body beatings!" (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E07)
• "It's filthy as fuck in here. Chicken doo-doo is getting all ground into my fucking seduction dress." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E07)
• "Look. It's Kelvin's friend, Chief."
  "Oh, I think his name is Quiche."
  "I always heard it as Heath." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E07)
• "Please, dear Lord, help Kelvin to find some sanitary wipes with aloe. He chafes real bad, and a burnt rectal from cheap TP could make him very despondent." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E07)
• "I don't want my kids to be one of those kids that loses a parent like somebody in a fucking Disney movie. I don't want my sons to be Bambis." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E07)
• "You know, I kinda can see that. That you would just shut down mentally 'cause you're so terrified and you would just silently roll over and, I don't know, tearful pull down to the jeans." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E07)
• "I'm just gonna go into beast mode and start biting faces and dicks. If I die, please don't remember me that way." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E07)
• ♫: Protomartyr – "Feral Cats" (Justified: City Primeval, S01E03)
• "I know a little Albanian."
  "I heard that joke."
  "No, no. It's an actual word. Pordhe. It means 'fart.'" (Justified: City Primeval, S01E03)

(Secret Invasion, S01E06)

• "Yes, let's be sure not to repeat the mistakes of Talos and Fury and leave love and friendship out of this." (Secret Invasion, S01E03)
• </Secret Invasion, S01>
• </Full Circle, S01>
• "Did Harley end up killing Sheryl Sandberg in Jackson Hole last year, or did she survive?"
  "No, that was Andy Sandberg." (Harley Quinn, S04E01)
• "Last night was the launch party for her Hard Corn Water, hello?"
  "You mean whiskey."
  "Legally, she can't call it that. She explained it all on her live-stream." (Harley Quinn, S04E01)
• "That's where Martian Manhunter and Grimes just got in a huge fight. Mar-Man told Grimes that he could never love her and she threw a bananas foster on his lap, lighting his penis on fire." (Harley Quinn, S04E01)
• "There is a place for everyone else's opinions. And it's in that tiny, waxy paper bag that's inside that little metal mailbox in that stall with my dirty tampons."
  "You know what, you're right. Everyone can get on board or they can fuck off to that tiny tampon mailbox." (Harley Quinn, S04E01)
• "In this cave, we believe in" sign (Harley Quinn, S04E02)
• Talkative Teddy Tilapia (Harley Quinn, S04E02)
• "Pasta maker! We meet again!" (Harley Quinn, S04E02)
• "I don't wanna polish silver or de-skin chicken breasts."
  "Master Bruce liked to smell it. A little treat without the cholesterol." (Harley Quinn, S04E02)
• "It brings me much joy to announce some new faces: Livewire, Meg Whitman, and Poison Ivy." (Harley Quinn, S04E02)
• "You've earned your Bat outfit."
  "Snitches get stitches." (Harley Quinn, S04E02)
• "This is my eating bed." (Harley Quinn, S04E03)
• Ted Lasso "believe" sign (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E03)
• "Here's me in the corner. Here's me in the spotlight at my circumcision." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E03)
• "I can speak 14 languages, as long as they are English. I can fashion any tree, any hedge, into a vսlva." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E03)
• "To cut this short and to get straight to the point, you can all go f-f-fuck yourselves." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E03)
• "Want one?"
  "No, I don't want a nonpareil." (Minx, S02E02)
• "Go clean the sad, flack-id pen¡s off, young blood." (This Fool, S02E01)
• "You're putting us in a difficult position, Don Emilio. We all know that if Darius killed your rooster, then me and the other Latinos gotta back your ass up and fսck up Darius' dog."
  "And when you fսck up my dog, my people gonna have to fսck up some of your people."
  "Then we're in a race war."
  "And you know what happens after that? Mr. Chen gonna have to pick a side." (This Fool, S02E01)
• "Man, you look like a Taiwanese James Bond." (This Fool, S02E01)
• "Anyway, enjoy. Bony tit!" (Twisted Metal, S01E02)