Adam Riff™

26. Groove (I'm a Virgo, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

• Drew Barrymore (The Eric Andre Show, S06E06)
• Gay Blade (The Eric Andre Show, S06E06)
• AI-generated title sequence (Secret Invasion, S01E01)
• The crisis of capitalism monologue (I'm a Virgo, S01E04)
• Capitalism monologue (I'm a Virgo, S01E07)

Stray Observations

• "I'm driving down the road, he's eating her out in the back of the car, like, I don't know what to do." (The Idol, S01E03)
• "I'm fuckin' shitting more blood than a kid at Epstein's island." (The Idol, S01E03)
• "Maybe you need to stop talking about Baron Munchausen." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E01)

(The Righteous Gemstones, S03E01)

• "What if we're not Leno? What if we're just Conan?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E01)
• "But Daddy, you're alive right now. You ain't even drooling yet. You ain't even squirting piss against your will." (The Righteous Gemstones, S03E02)
• "Well, you know, I'm not even 40 in human years. I haven't even gone on my midlife crisis shopping spree yet. Hey. What'd you get for yours?"
  "The Avengers." (Secret Invasion, S01E01)
• ♫: Kalisway – "Can't Tell Me Nothing" (Platonic, S01E07)

(Platonic, S01E07)

• "The dance never said anything about no beads." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E04)
• "You let a stranger hack your butthole." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E04)
• "Hi, Brookie. Guess what I'm playing? Apples to Apples!"
  "Ew. Literally, why?" (The Other Two, S03E09)
• "It's also like God's Own Country?" (The Other Two, S03E09)
• "Holy shit. Edie? Uh, speaking of, uh, one of my very best friends is here now."
  [Edie Falco] (The Other Two, S03E09)
• "Alright, okay, we're gonna have to find people that want to learn, which is gonna be impossible. But, you know, it's even more difficult to teach people how to give a shit, so…" (The Bear, S02E01)
• "I'm fine. Just, uh… Sometimes I look like February." (The Bear, S02E02)
• "Really want one of these bullshit stars?"
  "Yeah. Yeah, I really do."
  "You're gonna have to care about everything, more than anything." (The Bear, S02E02)
• "You know, maybe if I could provide more-more-more amusement or-or enjoyment for myself, it would be easier to, uh, to provide for others, you know?" (The Bear, S02E02)
• "I mean, I'm more into, like, kinda like Chingy, you know?" (The Bear, S02E05)
• "I'm not like this 'cause I'm in Van Halen. I am in Van Halen because I'm like this." (The Bear, S02E05)
• "The upside of barf is that you get some peace and quiet." (The Bear, S02E06)
• "Big Neil got 'em for us."
  "Yeah. Kohl's Cash." (The Bear, S02E06)
• "Eleven Madison Dickhead." (The Bear, S02E08)
• "It felt genuine. Like from his soul. No G and R." (The Bear, S02E08)
• "I don't need to provide amusement or enjoyment. I don't need to receive any amusement or enjoyment. I'm completely fine with that. Because no amount of good is worth how terrible this feels." (The Bear, S02E08)
• </The Bear, S02>
• "[AI responds in Bill Cosby voice]" (I'm a Virgo, S01E01)
• "Poo-butts are trying to stop lawful eviction down there." (I'm a Virgo, S01E01)
• "You imagine Marshawn Lynch having sex with the girl you're having sex with?" (I'm a Virgo, S01E03)
• "Evil loiters through the night, but The Hero wakes at dawn. New catchphrase."
  "So once evil sleeps, The Hero wakes back up?"
  "Nevermind." (I'm a Virgo, S01E06)
• "You want people to see Vin Diesel every time they Google you?" (I'm a Virgo, S01E06)
• "Yeah, well, uh… I would have caught you more off guard if I wasn't thrown off by your annoyingly anal assistant."
  "Well, anal is what I pay him for." (I'm a Virgo, S01E06)
• </I'm a Virgo, S01>

25. Salma Hayek (Black Mirror, S06E01)

Honourable Mention

• ♫: "The Gays Are Coming Home to Win the Night" (The Other Two, S03E08)

Stray Observations

• "You look like a treat. Imagine my tongue on your pussy. My fat tongue." (The Idol, S01E02)
• "Fuckin' stretch that tiny, little pussy. I want you to suck my cock." (The Idol, S01E02)
• ♫: Chloe and Izaak – "That's My Family" (The Idol, S01E02)
• "I'm from this town outside Denver called Columbine. Have you heard of it?"
  "I have."
  "Really?" (Platonic, S01E06)
• "I got you a sixer."
  "You got that for me?"
  "Yeah, I got a gift for you, buddy."
  "There's only four in here."
  "I drank two of 'em, of course."
  "Okay. All right. Well, thank you."
  "Oh, I'm gonna buy a six-pack and not drink two?"
  "Well, yeah. That's kind of the kind thing to… But I– Look, um, thank you for the four."
  "If I'm being honest, I drank four. Two of those are piss." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E03)
• "Featuring performances from singers who get anxious sometimes, like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt, and the cast of Hamilton, still. Plus, a powerful speech from Parkland survivor insert name of Parkland survivor we can get." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "Thank you, John Legend. Another B+." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "Fuck. He's giving Sia COVID." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "How else can we distract a gay man?"
  "Oh, my God! Brooke, I'm a daddy!" (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "'Anyway, this is a lot of texts, and I know we're not together anymore, but I just wanted to say 'hi,' and that I miss you…and your dick. God I miss your big, fat dick.' Oh, my God. Those were all tweets again. Delete, delete, delete." (The Other Two, S03E08)
• "Mmm. Amazing. Is that salt?" (Black Mirror, S06E01)
• "They made me the gayest man on earth" – Jaboukie (Black Mirror, S06E01)
• "What was the name of that Netflix thing? About the guy that killed women?"
  "Maybe narrow that down." (Black Mirror, S06E02)
• "Looks like he wipes his arse with his house." (Black Mirror, S06E05)
• </Black Mirror, S06>

24. Jaleel White (The Eric Andre Show, S06E02)

Stray Observations

• "Who hasn't? Who among us has not had cսm on their face? I, I think it used to be fun. Didn't it used to be f– Wasn't that a hot date years ago?" (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Twitter is calling her the human cum sock!" (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Okay, the thought of you younger is terrifying to me."
  "I was having fun. I was getting fucked in the ass of the Capitol Records building stairwell and then walking straight into meetings." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "I've never fucked anyone with a rat-tail before." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Pop music is like the ultimate Trojan Horse. Ya get people to dance, ya get people to sing along. Could say whatever you want. Shit's powerful." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Do you ever listen to Donna Summer? 'Love to Love You Baby'? When she sings, there's no doubt that she knows how to fuck. You could hear it in her voice. You can feel it." (The Idol, S01E01)
• "Dude, I totally know you. We were at the Quibi funeral." (The Eric Andre Show, S06E01)

(The Eric Andre Show, S06E01)

• Yeastie Boys (Platonic, S01E05)
• "Oh, my God. Is that Machine Gun Kelly?"
  "He looks like something from, uh, the Simon Wiesenthal Center." (Platonic, S01E05)
• "I'm worried you're having one of those brain glitches where you get obsessed with something like a Roomba stuck in a corner." (Platonic, S01E05)
• "When I meet a boring person, I like to ask them questions. Like, 'What's the first exhibit you go to at the zoo?'"
  "Which one do you go to first?"
  "The shrimps."
  "What?" (Platonic, S01E05)
• "How much money are you spending on these Dwayne Johnson energy drinks?"
  "Quite a bit. I basically live on them now."
  "Maybe you could cut back a little bit. I mean, you don't have to buy everything The Rock tries to sell you, you know." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Well, listen, I don't really have any interest in your, uh, bulk tin of low-end economy nuts." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Now, Frank, would you like to start this meeting off with a fancy nut?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "So, look, guys, let's pool all of our remaining nut together and turn it into a big pile of green, and then everybody gets a taste."
  "Okay, I didn't love the sound of that, but, uh…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E01)
• "Well, this is great. This is just great. You know, like, now what are we supposed to all put our teeth in?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S16E02)
• "Simu Liu re-created an entire Applebee's for her?" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "And remember, you're at dinner, so have fun, uh, but also, it's Applebee's, so there should be some deadness behind the eyes, kinda like, uh, 'We could've eaten anywhere. Why'd we choose here?' sort of thing." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "Yeah, Simu Liu is such a good daddy." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I worked very hard to find the extra right bad ones. My fave is probably this one right here that simply says 'piss.'"
  "Yes, I can see that it does say 'piss' on my son's chest."
  "And this one here is Piglet, but with tits. And then under his arm is Eeyore, but with tits. And on his back is the day his dad died."
  "I'm sorry, how is that one bad?"
  "I mean, you didn't let me finish. With tits. Bing-bong." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I don't see it on the menu, but I'm gonna have the peas and carrots that everyone's talking about, sometimes at the same time on top of each other?" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I'm absolutely not doing that, Simu Liu." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "You came up with the most bad man there is: A good man." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I helped you get Gay Minute and Age Net Worth Feet! All I do is support you!" (The Other Two, S03E07)
• "I mean, for the last month, all I've been able to do 'for my safety' is sit on a private jet and get eaten out non-stop by Marvel's Simu Liu. Like, that's my whole life." (The Other Two, S03E07)
• </Top Chef, S20>