Adam Riff™

36. Missing Package (How To with John Wilson, S03E06)

Honourable Mention

• Bachelor spreadsheet (How To with John Wilson, S03E06)

Stray Observations

• </Telemarketers, S01>
• "You do like pork chops though, don't you?"
  "Oh, sure. Love solid food." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E05)
• "Mm… It's so solid. So fully formed, you know?" (Only Murders in the Building, S03E05)
• "Anyway, it's a bit hard behind plexiglass. Or, as Jan calls it, sexi-glass." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E05)
• "Yes, this is Carolyn Wilder. I need assistance at 66 Motor Hill Road."
  "You call EMS?"
  "I called the Wayne County Morgue." (Justified: City Primeval, S01E08)
• Boyd Crowder (Justified: City Primeval, S01E08)
• </Justified: City Primeval, S01>
• "Anger and frustration are quick to give power. But they also unbalance you." (Ahsoka, S01E03)
• ♫: Larry Norman – "I Wish We'd All Been Ready" (Reservation Dogs, S03E06)

(Harley Quinn, S04E08)

• "I can't die watching two men bond over tech." (Harley Quinn, S04E08)
• Mama Nacaroni callback (Harley Quinn, S04E08)
• "Not my fingers! I need these to pleasure Nora…with my calligraphy!" (Harley Quinn, S04E08)
• "I cannot rest until Guillermo has taken his last breath and I feel his bones crunch under my boots. So I've been watching the one place I know he will return to eventually: Panera Bread." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E10)
• "Do you know John Slattery?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E10)
• "It's only a matter of time before he returns to Panera Bread." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E10)
• "You are a good listener, Patton Oswalt." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E10)
• "Just leave them. Garfield will pick 'em up later." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E10)
• "He's doing his scatting shit." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E10)
• </What We Do in the Shadows, S05>
• "You know, I actually spent the winters with my Grandpa Heinrich in Argentina. So if you decide to conquer the Southern Cone, hablo español también."
  "Was he born there, or did he hide—?"
  "The past should stay in the past." (Minx, S02E07)

(How To with John Wilson, S03E06)

• </How To with John Wilson, S03>
• "Oregano is for savages." (One Piece, S01E06)
• "Ooh, new guy carries the clown head." (One Piece, S01E07)
• "You won't be so lucky against the might of my fishman karate." (One Piece, S01E08)
• </One Piece, S01>

35. Redacted Fundraising Group (Telemarketers, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

• Colin Robinson roasting (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E08)
• Overflowing airplane toilet (How To with John Wilson, S03E05)

Stray Observations

• "Smells like Jerry Orbach's laundry basket." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E04)
• "Warning, I smell like eggs." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E04)
• "The key here is to find a murderer that won't cost me the Tony." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E04)
• "Remember, these babies are homicidal." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E04)
• "'When you look out across the length of the open road, you are a person who deserves to pursue as many firsts as it takes to determine your self-worth.'" (Reservation Dogs, S03E05)
• ♫: J.K. and Co. – "Fly" (Reservation Dogs, S03E05)
• "Excuse me. James Corden. Oh, you want me to host one of your little musical comedy traffic jams?" (Harley Quinn, S04E07)
• "We tell each other everything like how we like our eggs, or how Harley masturbates to The Iron Lady."
  "Okay. That was once and was basically by accident." (Harley Quinn, S04E07)
• "You're clogging my pee-pee drain!" (Harley Quinn, S04E07)
• "I see that The Guide is also here."
  [silence] (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E08)
• "If you think ejaculating onto the pillow counts as cooking your wife dinner, you might just be…a Laszlo Cravensworth."
  "Women can be funny." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E08)
• "Well, at least he died doing what he loved: beating off in the tool shed." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E08)
• "Meatball?"
  "Oh, yeah. Mm! Needs a little bit more sauce."
  "I licked it off." (Minx, S02E06)

(Minx, S02E06)

• "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been promised the full Vassar experience, and I don't want to keep her waiting." (Minx, S02E06)
• "That was factual, but it wasn't a 16-year-old girl. It was a Chinese man." (How To with John Wilson, S03E05)
• "What does Anne Frank got to do with this?"
  "Nothing."
  "Oh, okay." (How To with John Wilson, S03E05)

34. The Vacuum Cleaners Collectors Club Convention (How To with John Wilson, S03E04)

Stray Observations

• "But another female killer? That's so done." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E03)
• "Do you remember what my doctor told me on my eighth birthday?"
  "That it was time to stop breastfeeding."
  "And what did you say?"
  "That you should never give up on something you love." (Only Murders in the Building, S03E03)

(Harley Quinn, S04E06)

• Gordon whiskey callback (Harley Quinn, S04E06)
• "Your greatest accomplishment was getting a nut milk to accept me." (Harley Quinn, S04E06)
• </Warrior, S03>
• "'Not a human, not yet a vampire,' to paraphrase one of your contemporary musical troubadours." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E07)
• "Nolej" (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E07)
• "It also says that the immigrant was a talented writer."
  "It does?"
  "'Stories about sexual escapades while flying in the sky.'"
  "That's right: sky fucking." (What We Do in the Shadows, S05E07)

(Minx, S02E05)

• "What is this is my calling?"
  "This?"
  "Tiny marshmallows never jammed tennis rackets on their cocks." (Minx, S02E05)
• CM Punk and AJ Lee (Heels, S02E04)
• "What the fuck are all these extra planets?"
  "The invisible ones the humans don't know about yet: Earth Four, Megan thee Planet, and Their-Anus." (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "Are you, like, dating?"
  "No, she's my co-replicant."
  "They're totally dating, gross. They're like Oldboy." (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "Ugh, it's like one of those long, elaborate non-joke jokes, like the humor of Maria Bamford." (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "Ah, no! I'm fucking covered in dicks years too early!" (Solar Opposites, S04E01)
• "People are stupid and confusing. It's disgusting how they treat bananas. They just strip their peels and throw them away. That's the banana's house, you assholes!" (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Why did you even need the Pupa? I don't like him exposed to all this stupidity. Next thing you know, he'll be rooting for the Astros and chugging Five Loko." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Don't make me show you my Timothée Chalamet moves." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Oh, fuck, are you Gerald's Game-ing me?"
  "You're the one who taught me to use mid-tier Stephen King plots to get my way."
  "Korvo, don't Gerald's Game me! Wait! I fell asleep in that movie, and I don't know how it ends." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Oh, they have a Displaced Aboriginal Steakhouse! Let's get some Uluru Poppers." (Solar Opposites, S04E02)
• "Thomas Bahama flip-flops" (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "I was a high-end escort working Capitol Hill. Got peed on by most of the senators. I won't say names."
  "Ted Cruz?"
  "Ugh, I wish. It was way more involved with Ted." (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "What should we do?"
  "There's a Super Smash Bros. Melee exhibit at the Museum of Useless Art." (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "Why would I be excited about having a tongue in my butt while they sing 'Bad Romance'?" (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• "Stouffer's Stove Top Stuffing exists in the world of this show, even if it's a shared false memory in real life." (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• Mouse Trap cage (Solar Opposites, S04E03)
• Wordle shirt (Solar Opposites, S04E04)
• "This is my rock bottom. This is my 2 Fast 2 Furious." (Solar Opposites, S04E04)
• "I appreciate the thought, but I prefer to head home so I can play the new Madden in my room."
  "Forget the massively popular, Good Charlotte-themed video game." (Solar Opposites, S04E05)
• "Wish I could be there with you in person, but I've got so many other gigs."
  "Hell yeah, you do. O'Connell works!" (Solar Opposites, S04E05)
• "Infinite power is intoxicating, I always said that. Or wait, was it 'Characters welcome'?" (Solar Opposites, S04E05)
• "You like? I jacked up the sexy with a little titty window." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "Whoop-whoop! That's what's up, son!"
  "Put a quarter in the Juggalo jar." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "Padma loves a crunch." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "It's just a bunch of ladies throwing down some salads."
  "Don't be fooled. They aren't allowed to eat the salads. They can only hover a bite right next to their mouths. It can make a bitch crazy. Just ask Ryan Seacrest." (Solar Opposites, S04E06)
• "Jesse's righteousness doth toast thy titties whilth her divine light dry-eth thy bush." (Solar Opposites, S04E07)
• "How the fuck are you winning in Monopoly: The Wire Edition when you've never watched the show?"
  "Why don't you bitch at your pewter McNulty?" (Solar Opposites, S04E08)
• "Grandma taught me never to turn down a glowing skeleton." (Solar Opposites, S04E09)

(Solar Opposites, S04E09)

• Nancy Silverton (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "I just wanted to bring a little slice of Highland Park to you." (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Keep saying IKEA merch, it gets me so fuckin' hot!" (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Sister, it's sealed shut with Nickelodeon Floam. It's impenetrable when frozen."
  "We can still chip away at it."
  "It's not Gak, you fuckin' idiot." (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Where's Nancy?"
  "She had to scoot, official Chi Spacca business." (Solar Opposites, S04E10)
• "Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go to Cos' and get linen pants." (Solar Opposites, S04E11)
• "That hasheesh man is living in part of my stardrive!" (Solar Opposites, S04E11)
• </Solar Opposites, S04>
• "You think if we both didn't have dead dads, we'd know how to drive a truck?"
  "Jillian… Maybe." (Killing It, S02E01)
• "I don't know what to tell you, ma'am. If you're unhappy, you can put your cell phone
  in this tablet, and you'll receive a link to our complaint form."
  "Did you just trick me into getting marketing texts?"
  "If you don't want to receive those anymore, just text '1' back. You'll get an activation
  code, and it'll allow you to open up a Car Wow account. And after you set that up, download the app, and you'll be able to—"
  "I don't want an online form. I want to speak to someone who will help me get my stolen car back."
  "Okay. I can have you speak to Mira."
  "Thank you."
  "She's our online virtual—"
  "No!
  "Why do I keep getting texts from Car Wow? I didn't fill out a complaint form."
  "By connecting to our Wi-Fi, you've consented to receive marketing materials." (Killing It, S02E02)
• "Bugs is smart. He got in on Uber early. He was the second driver." (Killing It, S02E03)
• "My penis smells from driving, so I think I should just go take a quick shower." (Killing It, S02E03)
• Collecting a debt from a debt collector (Killing It, S02E03)
• "Fuckin' Ashley Furniture, Marty?" (Killing It, S02E03)
• "Camille and I are friends. We were actually married."
  "Oh, hell yeah. We gotta get you a spring roll." (Killing It, S02E04)
• "I was gonna have Tiffany shit out those diamonds, but I guess they're cutting her up inside, and she needs surgery."
  "Hey, fam, so a twist. I might lose my asshole." (Killing It, S02E04)
• "Fuck San Diego. Fucking diet Miami." (Killing It, S02E05)
• "Pitbull's libido is incredible. He has so much sex, we don't even masturbate."
  "Did you say, 'we don't even masturbate'?"
  "Yeah, because everybody knows Pitbull doesn't masturbate."
  "Does everyone know that?" (Killing It, S02E05)
• "I fucking quit this job. Fuck Pitbull. Fuck Mr. Worldwide. Fuck Linda. I'm going to masturbate." (Killing It, S02E05)
• "Sorry, she's my little Rain Man… Number, number, number, number. I'm just kidding. We're a family of Tom Cruises." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "Man, just trust me, okay? It's like Tyrese says, 'God has a plan.'"
  "Are you seriously quoting Tyrese to me right now?"
  "Or Drake or Floyd Mayweather. I don't know, they all pretty much got the same take on God." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "I'm eating this crab rangoon. Fuck you." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "Is anyone a doctor here?"
  "I'm a pimple popper!"
  "I review lotions." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "Solutions, go! Come on. Use your brain, rapid-fire. Let's go. Think, think, think. First thing that comes out of your head."
  "Stairs."
  "Stairs? You fucking dumb?"
  "That was the first thing that came to my mind." (Killing It, S02E06)
• "I'm her daughter."
  "Oh, that's funny. You two have such different accents."
  "I fucked a foreign man." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "I mean, a pretty guy like you, you're gonna be real popular behind bars, like a human suck bot. Oh, I can say that because I'm bisexual."
  "Okay." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "Jesus Christ, stop being such a pussy. You know why I can say that, right?"
  "Yeah, because you're bi." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "Fear is just a product of our imagination. It's something the great Eric Stonestreet taught me." (Killing It, S02E07)
• "Wait, all this is because Donald Trump wants a dick pic of Ted Cruz?"
  "No, I never said that. You said that. He said that, and besides, why would Donald Trump want a picture of Ted Cruz's weird-looking dick? What, so he can pull it out at meetings? Oh, shit, I don't know. That would be funny."
  "Well, how weird is Ted Cruz's dick?"
  "Well, I don't know. To go through all this trouble, it's got to be pretty fucking weird, right?" (Killing It, S02E07)
• </Killing It, S02>