Adam Riff™

4. Nola vs. Burton (Banshee, S03E03)

A Fight Scene of the Year nominee.

Honourable Mention

• Spanking scene (Togetherness, S01E02)
• Sting makes a shocking debut (WWE Raw, 01-19-15)
• Leslie's version of "We Didn't Start the Fire" (Parks and Recreation, S07E04)
• Conan and Archer battle Russian mobsters (Conan, 01-20-15)
• Conan Visits Taco Bell (Conan, 01-21-15)
• Anne Hathaway laughs uncontrollably while describing her coma movie (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 01-21-15)
• The Eric Andre Show, S03E10 – a Television Episode of the Year nominee

Stray Observations

• "I've never had a taco." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
• "My favorite food is Hamburger Helper – with chicken." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
• "They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are The Man." (Shameless, S05E02)
• "I want to see the burning man!" (Shameless, S05E02)
• The butler looks like Bomani Jones (Gotham, S01E12)
• "In modern America, touching in public is quite permitted. Also warrants the expression 'get a room.'" (Sleepy Hollow, S02E13)
• "Fat Chance, when we started, you had no control over your powers."
  —
  "See this? Totally random."
  "Nonsense. This is a door to time and space. Where it goes is up to you. You must become Fat Choice." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
• "I hench for no man." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
• "Nobody but spies play baccarat." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)

(Parks and Recreation, S07E03)

• "Zach! Camp Wamapoke! You got a boner!" (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
• "The Somebody's Daughter Dancers." (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
• "Game of Thrones is on tonight! It's the series finale! Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow! Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails."
  "Look, it makes sense if you read the books." (Parks and Recreation, S07E04)
• "Never really developed a taste for tequila. Kind of hard to understand how you make a drink out of something like that. Sharp, inhospitable. Same reason I never understood the fascination with the artichoke. Now bourbon is easy to understand. Tastes like a warm summer day." (Justified, S06E01)
• "You need to be smart."
  "What I need is a $6 blow job. A smarter move I cannot imagine." (Justified, S06E01)
• Swedish songwriters – heh (Empire, S01E03)
• "What is this?"
  "This is Gus. He's a private detective that I hired."
  "You did what?"
  "He ain't cheating on you…" (Empire, S01E03)

(Best New Restaurant, S01E01)

(Workaholics, S05E02)

• "No one gives a shit about bloody Cole Porter." (American Horror Story, S04E13)
• American Horror Story Season Grade: D+
• "My cock ring is sliding off."
  "Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
• "Can I get a drink?"
  "Go ask one of the other ones."
  "What other ones?"
  "The other ones. The bird lady, the troll man." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
• "Can I get a drink, please?"
  "No, not now. Ask one of the other ones. The dirty one or the gay one." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
• "What are some of the things we could talk about?"
  "Creatine shits." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
• "Cowboys hate teachers. You know, cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
• "Let's just keep it simple. Let's just start with our names."
  […]
  "Hi, ladies. I'm Frak. Shit!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
• "Ignition (Remix)," "Return of the Mack," "No Scrubs" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
• "I'll just masturbate." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)
• "She hated the text. She's never going to respond. We have to save face. We have to pretend we were just kidding. Text 'JK.' Text 'JK'!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)

(The Taste, S03E07)

• The Taste Season Grade: C
• "You have to try this. Hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao, hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a 'peppermint patty.'" (Archer, S06E03)
• "We head out at dawn."
  "And that's A.M.?"
  "As opposed to…?"
  "P.M. Dawn?"
  "'Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.' Come on, buddy." (Archer, S06E03)
• "I have kind of a weird bucket list."
  "Number three: Bang Joe Frazier."
  "[sigh] Really regret sharing that with you." (Archer, S06E03)

(Portlandia, S05E03)

• "All men like Brigitte Nielsen." (Portlandia, S05E03)

(Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)

• "Make 'Em Say Uhh" reference (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
• All the food trucks (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
• "I have many unique skills, including making the Predator noise." (King of the Nerds, S03E01)

(Banshee, S03E03)

• Mile 69 – heh (Banshee, S03E03)
• "I am Associate Professor X."
  "Wait a minute. Your name is X, as in the letter 'X'?"
  "E-C-K-S. My parents named me after their favourite film character, Jeremiah Ecks, from Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
• "They should come out with a video game that's just stuff black people do."
  "Yeah, like a whole level to see who can tuck their shirt in their drawers and sag their pants the best."
  "What would the boss level be?"
  "Sell cocaine for at least five years." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
• "If I get mad at a little person… What I do is I just throw a big sombrero on top of them and then put tortilla chips in there. And I make them walk around a party with a sombrero full of chips." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
• "You need Jesus."
  "I need Jesus and a can of ginger ale." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E10)
• The Eric Andre Show Season Grade: A-

#clipoftheweek

• Hannibal – Season 3 Trailer

3. Fifty Shades of Grey (Togetherness, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• A bloke with stretched cheeks brushes his teeth (Bodyshockers, S02E02)
• Nancy Grace battles 2 Chainz over pot (Nancy Grace, 02-13-15)
• Star Trek transporter (The Eric Andre Show, S03E09)
• Sia – "Elastic Heart" (Saturday Night Live, S40E11)

Stray Observations

• "I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have, um, original no flavour and…whole wheat no flavour." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
• "Wash my dogs, and be warned, they just watched Peabody and Sherman, so they're extra horny." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
• "We're like Batman and Alfred."
  "You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?"
  "He has access to the Batcave. Plus, he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
• "I have no idea what a cucumber is." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E02)
• "You know Norman Reedus?" (Girls, S04E01)
• "Hard to hate a guy who gives you raisins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E09)
• "I am never going back to the pit, unless the pit is a cool diner where teens hang out." (Bob's Burgers, S05E09)

Painting of Scott Bakula (Looking, S02E01)

• "Agustín made a new friend too."
  "Yeah, I did. He's cute. A big bear who cares about trans and has a house in Virginia."
  "Oh, I've always wanted to visit the South."
  "Heh. A 'house in Virginia' – HIV positive." (Looking, S02E01)
• "If anybody wants to hang, I will be at Subway." (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)

(Parks and Recreation, S07E01)

• Werner Herzog! (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)
• "After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World." (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)
• "Everyone's in a really great mood now because of the Cubs winning in the Series." (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
• "This is why they call it Beantown, huh?" (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
• "It turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along." (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
• "I like my stomach like I like my suits – no lining." (New Girl, S04E13)
• "I confiscated this satellite phone with a condom taped to it."
  "My earthquake kit?" (New Girl, S04E13)
• "A water bottle with the top cut off."
  "That's a cup."
  "That is just a cup." (New Girl, S04E13)
• Why did Antonia Lofaso replace Waylynn Lucas? (Restaurant Startup, S02E01)
• Fellatio bib (Empire, S01E02)
• "Shut up, Dora." (Empire, S01E02)
• "You gon' Ray Rice me?" (Empire, S01E02)
• "I asked for capers on the damn bagel!" (Empire, S01E02)
• "Come on, Barack, you know you don't have to use that kind of languag— [Obama hangs up on Lucious]" (Empire, S01E02)
• "First off, I have to commend your son, Hakeem Lyon, who recently accused President Obama of being a sellout." (Empire, S01E02)
• "Every time I intubate a patient, I am reminded of how far we've come because of the accomplishments of 'Dr.' King."
  "Did you just air quote Dr. King?"
  "No… I am a medical doctor because of 'Dr.' King."
  "Are you hating on Dr. King?"
  "No, he is a great man, Dre! He has a Nobel Peace Prize, okay? I do not have one! But if you were to have a heart attack, he would give a great speech, and I would keep you alive." (Black-ish, S01E12)
• Another Asylum character tie-in (American Horror Story, S04E12)
• "You're a regular Gabriel Iglesias."
  "Iiiii wouldn't say that. Fluffy's very talented." (Workaholics, S05E01)
• "Get that pecker out, buddy."
  "Okay, I can't. I'm sorry. It's like… It's very small, all right? It's like the, you know, the plastic thing at the end of a shoelace." (Workaholics, S05E01)
• "Every gash is somebody's daughter." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
• "He did a monologue from Precious, which isn't even in the karaoke book." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
• "Uh ohhhh! There's a Jew at Hitler's party." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
• "When I was in Austria, back in the era, I would say 'That one,' and my bodyguards, they would take her, and they would put her in my bed. They would burn the house down. That was my Tinder." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
• "Don't you still love me?"
  "Josh…"
  "I'm better than Hitler!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
• "I'm sorry, Hitler." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
• "Isn't Argentina our ally?"
  "You'd think, right, after we threw them that lovely coup?" (Archer, S06E02)
• "What the hell are you doing?"
  "I'm Archerizing this plan."
  "What? No, no. Uh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb. I will not allow it." (Archer, S06E02)

"Thanks, Mr. Bearjangles." (Archer, S06E02)

• Justin Long! (Portlandia, S05E02)
• Changing up the opening credits (Banshee, S03E02)
• "What if he calls it off?"
  "As Coldplay would say, don't panic. My boy Scott can, as Coldplay would say, talk his way out of anything." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
• "You better stop making like Coldplay by creating trouble and get back to work." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
• Twin Shadow! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
• "It kind of sounds a little bit like a bong."
  "UC Santa Cruz." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
• Maya Rudolph corpsing at the end of the Claire Coulter interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
• Andy Samberg refusing to whip out his junk because he's doing better than Eric Andre (The Eric Andre Show, S03E09)

(The Eric Andre Show, S03E09)

• Kevin Hart sure likes leather clothing (Saturday Night Live, S40E11)

#clipoftheweek

• Network TV Ate My Life: Eddie Huang on Watching His Memoir Become a Sitcom