That's Edward Scissorhands

on

Previously on Adam Riff™: I am elated that a weekly magic television programme exists (Troy).


All of Troy's magic tricks involving iPhones

Steven: until someone can fly, david copperfield is the best magician
Steven: nobody has touched that one
Jon: oh, definitely. david copperfield flying is the best illusion i've seen in my lifetime. it's so amazing that he stopped making television specials soon after

Jon: damn, the special in which he flies is 22 years old
Jon: idea: "magic of david copperfield" television specials, ranked
Steven: "flying" is his wrestlemania x-seven

Tiny dots on an endless timeline

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UPS nailed the casting for its latest commercial.

Sometime around the third day of SXSW Interactive, I started forgetting exactly why I'd come. The Austin-based event I'd signed up for had been advertised as a tech conference, but when I arrived, I found it was just an all-purpose capitalist carnival.

Pennzoil and Oreo were there, as was Kleenex, which had rented a house-sized exhibit to show off its Cottonelle toilet paper to the estimated 30,000 techies in attendance.

It's like a convention you would see on The Simpsons. Conan should send Triumph next year.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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11. Racism (Review, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Occupy Raw (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)
  • "Reason not the need" (Justified, S05E09)
  • 'Rise from the grave' trick (Troy, S01E05)
  • The Celery Incident (Portlandia, S04E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Small bits of pork throughout the day is what they say." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
  • "I'm gonna take a nap under a warm tortilla and then eat my way out when I wake up."
    "I've heard of a power nap, but a flour nap?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
  • "Fart School for the Gifted." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)


Tina's running form (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)


Hidden in plain sight (True Detective, S01E03)

  • "L'chaim, fat ass." (True Detective, S01E08)
  • True Detective Season Grade: B-
  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • Music: Beth covers "Be Good" by Waxahatchee, which was originally supposed to be a Neutral Milk Hotel song (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • Why didn't Daryl look through the blinds before opening the door? (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • "Your God is too small." (Cosmos, S01E01)
  • Debbie's virginity countdown (Shameless, S04E08)
  • Golden Girls ending = perfect (Looking, S01E08)
  • Looking Season Grade: B+
  • "Norman, do you want to do a musical?" (Bates Motel, S02E02)
  • Music: "The Strangest Thing" by The Amazing (Bates Motel, S02E02)


Brogue kick through a bass drum (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)

  • "Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
  • "It appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?"
    "[gasps] Ticketmaster…" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
  • Troy Season Grade: B-
  • The Taste UK Season Grade: C
  • Niko's extracted fetus (Face Off, S06E09)
  • "I'm not taking advice from you. You pronounce the 'G' in 'lasagna.'" (New Girl, S03E19)
  • "Nick could be your lawyer."
    "This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?" (New Girl, S03E19)
  • "Go back inside!"
    "Are you talking to us or the fart?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Do they even have pizza in Canada?"
    "Yes. It's puffier, and it's sweet. It's called 'Manitoba sauce cake.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Did I just plan the worst wedding in history?"
    "Second worst. Red Wedding." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Maruk. He's the starting center for the Capitals, the largely untalented hockey club that plays here in Washington." (The Americans, S02E03)
  • Music: "Here Comes the Flood" by Peter Gabriel (The Americans, S02E03)
  • "Why you do that, Scott Pilgrim?!" (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • Adam's corn dog hoodie (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • "I broke a bone, but I grew a boner." (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • "Come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
  • "I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
  • RT: The King of France just fucked a lady out a window and she died (Reign, S01E14)
  • What a final challenge: Calculatrivia, 15 puzzle, cryptogram, sudoku, logic puzzle, spacial problem solving, word search scramble, and Pac-Man – all in 20 minutes? (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
  • Both winners have been women (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
  • King of the Nerds Season Grade: B
  • "Most umps are hunks." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E03)
  • Bray Wyatt Carcosa reference (WWE SmackDown, 03-14-14)
  • "This killer wrote you a poem. Are you going to let his love go to waste?" (Hannibal, S02E03)
  • Strike Back billboard (Banshee, S02E10)
  • Was tollboothing Emmett and his wife really necessary? (Banshee, S02E10)
  • Banshee Season Grade: C+

Late to the Party

  • Hilarious clip: Language Barrier (Getting On, S01E01)
  • Daniel Stern is unrecognizable nowadays (Getting On, S01E05)
  • "I have an anal fissure, so we're dating." (Getting On, S01E06)
  • Getting On Season Grade: B

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Colorado

on

One month ago…

root down / curtis park delicatessen / acorn / denver biscuit co. / voodoo doughnut / good chemistry / table 6 / sassafras / mcdevitt taco supply / snooze / the sink / bru / larkburger / glacier homemade ice cream / the kitchen / snarf's / pinche taqueria / uncle / martine's muffins / biker jim's gourmet dogs / sweet action ice cream / euclid hall

denver / boulder

☆ Beef Sandwich (Curtis Park Delicatessen)
ciabatta, pastrami, horseradish havarti, house made aioli, house made mustard, arugula


Lamb "Shawarma" (Acorn)
shishito peppers, feta cheese, chickpea panisse, tzatziki sauce, harissa
[reading menu] Why is shawarma in quotation marks? A: Because it's shawarma with bunch of whole roasted Japanese peppers mixed in. The peppers did not mesh at all.

☆ Oak Grilled Short Ribs (Acorn)
roasted baby carrots, cheddar polenta, ancho chili
Unassumingly sublime beef. You can't cook short ribs much better.

"Would you like it with bacon?"
"What?"


Biscuit Cinnamon Roll (Denver Biscuit Co.)
A generous hybrid with a pleasing puff pastry-esque exterior.

☆ Strawberry Rhubarb Jam (Denver Biscuit Co.)
Damn good jam.

Neapolitan Doughnut (Voodoo Doughnut)
chocolate cake doughnut with vanilla frosting, strawberry dust and three marshmallows
Devils Punchbowl Doughnut (Voodoo Doughnut)
raised yeast doughnut with vanilla frosting, fruit punch powder and sprinkles
Ehh. Don't believe the hype.


Chicken Skin Chicharone Tacos (Table 6)
celery root slaw, bleu, t6 franks
Crunch-a munch-a crunch-a munch-a.

Hawaiian Pizza Wontons (Table 6)
herbed marinara sauce
I dreaded eating these, but the Hawaiian pizza filling was mild, and the marinara dipping sauce overpowered the filling, so they were basically toasted ravioli.

☆ Tots (Table 6)
french onion dip, fried onions
Chicken Cordon Bleu Pot Pie (Table 6)
tasso, broccoli, dijon cream, blitz puff
Taleggio Donuts (Table 6)
truffle honey

"Okay Glass, get directions to original Quiznos."

☆ Cajun Benedict (Sassafras)
gulf shrimp and jumbo lump crab cakes with a louisiana crawfish and tasso "hash" topped with two poached eggs and smoked cayenne hollandaise, served with goat cheese jalapeno grits
A craving for Cajun food led me to a surprisingly busy restaurant hidden in plain suburbia.


Chicken Fried Eggs and Smoked Buffalo Hash (Sassafras)
smoked colorado buffalo hash topped with two battered eggs fried golden, roasted fresno chili hollandaise, served with freshly baked cornbread
I couldn't resist ordering this too. Four egg brunch.

Kale Salad Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Green Chilies and Chicken Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Chocopotle Beef Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Can tacos be both interesting and boring?

Berry Blitz Bite (Good Chemistry)
white chocolate, blueberries, cranberries
I wanted to try Mountain Medicine's blueberry pie bar, a High Times Cannabis Cup winner, but it was only available on the medical menu, and I was only allowed to buy stuff on the recreational menu, so I settled for a bon bon. I should've checked its serving size, because, 16 hours later… How am I still high?! Is it safe to go swimming like this?


Pancake Flight (Snooze)
Pineapple Upside Down Pancake
buttermilk pancake with caramelized pineapple chunks, housemade vanilla crème anglaise and cinnamon butter
☆ Caramel Apple Pie Pancake
buttermilk pancake filled with gala apples and topped with caramel sauce, marscapone whipped cream and spiced pie crumb crumble
Molton Chocolate Lava Pancake
chocolatey buttermilk pancake filled with a chocolate custard center and topped with a drizzle of tangerine cream frosting
I still think about these pancakes, the caramel apple pie one in particular.

"Buff" Mac (The Sink)
pasta shells tossed with west flander's beer cheese sauce and crispy fried chicken strips with bleu cheese and scallions
I thought this would be, like, a special University of Colorado mac-n-cheese. Nope. Just a buffalo chicken mac-n-cheese. I may have still been high.

☆ Chocolate Pretzel Bread Pudding (BRU)
roasted pear ice cream, peanut brittle
A worthy mash-up of personal favourites.

Potato Doughnuts (The Kitchen)
☆ spiced hot chocolate
Came for the doughnuts, stayed for the accompanying hot chocolate dipping sauce.

"Okay Glass, get directions to original Chipotle."


☆ Surf and Turf Street Taco (Pinche Taqueria)
lengua and fried shrimp
Pork Belly "Agridulce" Street Taco (Pinche Taqueria)
sweet and sour braised pork belly, candied garlic, cabbage and cilantro slaw, braising jus
In a word, unwieldy.

This restaurant goes by "Tacos, Tequila, Whiskey" because the city of Denver won't allow it to publicly use the word "pinche," which many people translate to "fucking."


Chips and Guac (Uncle)
golden tilefish chips, avocado, wasabi
Chips made of fish, and guacamole with wasabi in it. Would eat again.


Thai Lamb Mazemen (Uncle)
tamarind, peanuts, dried shrimp, soft egg
Very disappointing – a big bowl of sour. All I tasted was sour.

The gay Asian fetishist on Top Chef: New Orleans used to cook at this restaurant.

☆ Chocolate Mint Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
☆ Chocolate Raspberry Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
☆ Espresso and Chocolate Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
Scrumptious muffins that are inconveniently only available from 6:30am-11:00am.

A Thu-Sun 8:00am-3:00pm window thwarted me from trying Latke Love, an eatery that sells latke bowls.

Baleboostah (Latke Love)
four potato latkes, slow braised brisket, guinness gravy, and roasted carrot
UNF.

Alaskan Reindeer Dog (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)
stilton bleu cheese, bacon red onion marmalade, lemon z and french fried onions
Fried Mac N Cheese (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)
Alas, the Rattlesnake and Pheasant Dog was sold out, and it didn't occur to me at the time that a Jack-a-lope Dog is a blend of jackrabbit and antelope. The description just read "mythically delicious."


Pocky Red Bean Ice Cream (Sweet Action Ice Cream)
My scoop was stingy on Pocky.

Original Starbucks
Original Quiznos
Original Chipotle
Original Del Taco
Original Golden Corral


Pad Thai Pig Ears (Euclid Hall)
tamarind chili sauce, scallion, peanut, egg, sprouts, mint, cilantro
Another uninvitingly sour Thai dish.


Chips and Dip (Euclid Hall)
lemon goat cheese dip, oolong tea smoked duck breast, duck confit, kennebec potato chips, baby dill, extra virgin olive oil
One of the oddest things I have ever eaten. Goat cheese topped with potato chips topped with both hot and cold duck meat.

Shrimp and Grits Fritters (Euclid Hall)
charred pepper aioli, blistered shishitos, trinity salt, parsley
Carnitas Papas Fritas Poutine (Euclid Hall)
tomatillo green chile, cheddar curds and goat cheese, cilantro, chile lime fries


☆ Car Bomb Float (Euclid Hall)
guinness ice cream, bailey's chocolate seltzer, jameson caramel shot

#eatersdigest

Three Inch Horizontal

on

Jon: Why do I have to have a bio on [redacted]'s website?
Boss: Because you're part of our team.
Jon: But I come off as a loser compared to everyone else! I mean… "A student of film in college, Jon views hundreds of films per year and can quickly evaluate and improve content." [pause] If you have to resort to that, then why bother?
Boss: Ryan just drafted something. Re-write it.

An English major, Jon views hundreds of hours of television per year and can spend three hours composing a 94-word blog post.

We like it slow, and so it goes

on

America's most extreme rare stone hunter chases new finds in the world's deadliest destinations. [source]

In the foothills of Hickory, North Carolina, four rival barter teams leave no stone unturned in order to find the items that will earn them a weekly paycheck. [source]

Zoo Detective

Freaks and Sikhs
Indian carnies

Freese Company
Baseball player opens a sperm bank

Mike: I had an idea for a recurring sketch about guys who in the new weed economies make fake, nonsmokable weed for grow house supply showrooms. They take it as seriously and as stupidly seriously as real weed ppl take weed.
Jon: Display drugs, like plastic Japanese food.
Mike: Yes!!
Jon: Or what if they made non-psychoactive drugs, like non-alcoholic beer?

Jon: Store-brand drugs – Aldijuana.