Another 48 Hours

on

Tuesday

[flushes urinal]

Was my urine red?

[…]

[flushes urinal]

My urine is red.

Jon: I think I have a urinary tract infection.
Rory: What? How…? Have you been humping feces?

Jon: I don't have time to search for a physician in New York City. And what if it's nothing? Last time I visited an urgent care centre, they charged me $500 to tell me I had the flu. And that was with insurance! I can ride this out.
Arvind: No, Jon, you can't ride it out. It's an infection that can spread up to your kidneys and become pyelonephritis, which is really serious.
Jon: [sigh]

Bollocks. The free clinic is only open on Saturdays.

Wednesday

INT. NYU MEDICAL CENTRE

1:00 a.m.

Triage Nurse: I'm gonna measure your vital signs.
[…]
Triage Nurse: Whoa. Are you a runner?
Jon: I run a lot, yes, but just to offset what a wreak as a foodie.

Hey, Jon. What's up? Oh, just cleaning my glans with a moist towelette before peeing into a cup.

1:30 a.m.

Hey, Jon. What's up? Oh, just having my testicles fondled by a stranger.

2:00 a.m.

Doctor: You appear to be in good health,

Well, I AM a runner…

Doctor: but your urine contains traces of blood. I ordered a CT scan for kidney stones.

Jon: Is a CT scan the one where they attach shit to your chest?
Pepe: No, that's an EKG. A CT scan is the Stargate.

Guh. $$$$

3:00 a.m.

An orderly enters the waiting area with a wheelchair.

Orderly: Jonathan Yu?
Jon: Yes.
Orderly: Have a seat.

Jon: You know, I can WALK down to the radiology floor…
Orderly: Hospital policy.

3:30 a.m.

Radiologist: [via speaker] Okay. Take a deep breath. Now exhale.
Radiologist: Hmmph.
Radiologist: Can you pull your pants down some more?

4:30 a.m.

Nurse: You have a 2mm kidney stone.
Nurse: Please begin peeing through this strainer so we can identify what caused the stone.
Nurse: And here are prescriptions for Flomax and Percocet.

Nurse: I need to check your vitals before discharging you.
[…]
Nurse: Whoa. Your heart rate. Are you an athlete?
Jon: [blushes]

127 Hours

on

Wrecked my circadian rhythm, but the film I've been working on is finally finished.

Thursday

Pepe [Director]: Where are you going?
Jon: A Franklin Barbecue pop-up feast. See what all the fuss is about.
Pepe: Well, hurry back.

[two hours later]

Pepe: Back already?
Jon: [pause]
Pepe: How was it?
Jon: Oy… I am too old for "all you can eat." I feel like I'm carrying a baby made of brisket.

Jon: I don't know what fatty brisket is, but it is DIVINE.

Jon: Lean brisket, like white meat, just isn't worth eating.

Friday

Jake [Assistant Editor]: …Kings of Summer.
Jon: What about The Kings of Summer?
Jake: Oh. I want to see it. Same director made Successful Alcoholics, which I loved.

Is this real life?

Jon: Okay, ranking noodles:
Jon: 1. Rice pappardelle.
Jon: 2. Fettucine.
Jon: 3. Yi mien.
Jon: 4. Capelli d'angelo, a.k.a. capelli of the angelo…

Saturday

The only place to nap in the office is an armless sofa in the reception area.

I lie down on my back – my sleeping position of choice.

What if I get a boner, though, and someone sees?

Hmmph. My arms are too short to cup my dick.

I switch to sleeping on my side.

Guh. Are there any pillows in the office?

I grab my hoodie and use it as a pillow.

Someone can still catch me with a boner.

I switch to sleeping on my side, but facing the back of the sofa.

This is awkward.

I switch back to sleeping on my back, but with my hoodie covering my crotch.

Okay, now I'm cold. Fuck.

[loud distant banging]

When Pepe is angry, he…hulks out.

Sunday

Jon: Better South Carolina baseball player name: Joey Pankake or Graham Saiko?
Anthony [Assistant Editor]: Saiko G.
Anthony: "Saiko" would be a good name for a Japanese fighting game character.

Jon: Pankake batter, heh.
Jon: Pitcher David Koolaid.

Jon: Tiny Tower is not a particularly fun mobile game, but I can't stop playing it.
Jon: Well, "playing."
Jon: It's like a Tamagotchi.

Jon: Are the Tony Awards in June because it's Gay Pride Month?

Jon: Are the NAACP Image Awards in February?
Jake: Uhh… Of late, yes!

Monday

Is this jazzy, Woody Allen music original?

[Shazams music]

"Momma's Song" – Dan Romer & Benh Zeitlin.

Jon: Hold up. We're using a song off the Django Unchained soundtrack AND a song off the Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack?!
Jon: Might as well work in "Skyfall" too.

Jon: Can you change the font for "indefagitable"?
Jon: Err… Indefagita—
Jon: [pause]

Jon: Indie FATTY, indie FATTY…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

No contest.


23. The Red Wedding (Game of Thrones, S03E09)

cue: silent clock

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "No more Hodoring." (Game of Thrones, S03E09)
  • "I will read the president's words without inflection. Slide to unlock." (Veep, S02E07)
  • "I love that kind of misogyny! I love misogyny like that." (Veep, S02E07)
  • Rocky cosplay (The Venture Bros., S05E01)
  • "Student green is made out of people!" (The Venture Bros., S05E01)
  • "Hey, why do you still have tits?" (The Venture Bros., S05E01)
  • "I'm not hugging meat." (Total Blackout, S02E11)
  • "Juicy balls!"
    "Not juicy balls." (Total Blackout, S02E11)


Sign language for "too much noodles" (Chopped, S16E02)

  • Salvador Dali digital alarm clock (Hannibal, S01E11)
  • Colombian necktie (Hannibal, S01E11)

#clipoftheweek

Wolvesmouth

on

I am strugg-a-ling with humidity in New York City. I arrived at the office on Friday with a bagel-sized sweat stain on the front of my shirt, looking like Tony Stark – Perspiron Man.

—What have you been doing in New York City, Jon?
—Uhh… Being Tom Hagen to a Corleone.

Jon: How long do you have to live in a city before you can claim that you've lived there? Six months?
Rory: How long is study abroad? That long.
Jon: So…five months? I want to be able to say that I've lived in the America's three largest cities.

1. New York City
2. Los Angeles
3. Chicago

Jon: Hmm… You can legally stay in Canada for six months each year without a visa.

1. Toronto
2. Montreal
3. Vancouver

Jon: New challenge!
Rory: Uhh… Calgary is actually Canada's third largest city.
Jon: Oh? What is Vancouver then?
Rory: Eighth largest, according to Wikipedia, behind Winnipeg and Mississauga.
Jon: Hmmph.

1. Vancouver
2. Surrey
3. Burnaby

Jon: New challenge!

A conversation with my boss:

—Going forward, where do you want to live, Jon?
—Uhh…

VEGAS.

—You've been very accommodating to me, relocating to the east coast and whatnot, and so I will accommodate you wherever you wish to live.

Austin. San Diego. Seattle.

—So where do you want to live?

[pause]

—…New Orleans?

Next time on Adam Riff™: I am strugg-a-ling with humidity in New Orleans.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

22. Method One Improv (Arrested Development, S04E03)

Honourable Mention

  • Death by garbage disposal asphyxiation (Orphan Black, S01E10)

Stray Observations


Rob Lowe's face (Behind the Candelabra, 05-26-13)

  • "Why is sex the definition of being close to someone? Just because you climb a mountain doesn't mean you love it." (Mad Men, S06E09)
  • Bob Benson's shorts (Mad Men, S06E09)
  • "It's all right to show a little bit of tit at a funeral, isn't it?" (Shameless [UK], S11E14)
  • "I love caviar as much as I like diamonds." (Top Chef Canada, S03E11)
  • Lobster Crackerjack (MasterChef, S04E03)
  • Evidently, it's face blindness week. (Hannibal, S01E10)
  • "Give me an old royal and a glass of scotch and I'll give you 250 pages where the lightning hits the tree."
    "That's not what we do here."
    "I mean, where the drop hits the pond." (Arrested Development, S04E04)
  • "Oh, so it's your daughter you're here to see?"
    "Yes. Maeby." (Arrested Development, S04E05)
  • "And Jeremy Piven" (Arrested Development, S04E07)
  • "Feral Jesus" (Arrested Development, S04E07)
  • Steve Holt is unrecognizable. (Arrested Development, S04E07)
  • "Maybe they should retitle this 'Fantastic Three and Lousy One.'" (Arrested Development, S04E09)
  • Tobias as Sue Storm (Arrested Development, S04E09)
  • "I'm here, I'm queer, and now, I'm in a chair!" (Arrested Development, S04E11)
  • "I'm serving three to five."
    "[gasp] Like the saltless pie?" (Arrested Development, S04E14)
  • "How do I know you're really in the army? Who did Larry Kert replace in Company?" (Arrested Development, S04E14)
  • RT: The stocks fluctuated in AD world. Big movers: Lucille 1 up, Tobias up. Gob unch. P-Hound's IPO surpassing projections.

#clipoftheweek

Misocainea

on

Martial arts person of interest Tony Jaa returns this August in Tom Yum Goong 2 (or: The Protector 2).

In this blurry Cannes sizzle reel, I spy RZA, first-person parkour, and a fight scene with flaming shoes.

Related: Hybird, ?uestlove's drumsticks-only fried chicken food stand in Chelsea Market, also sells a tom yum cupcake.

Related: Trader Joe's Spicy Thai Shrimp Fried Rice is an endurance test.

Related: I hate how in a bag of Trader Joe's Yogurt Stars, vanilla ones hella outnumber the berry ones. Eating Trader Joe's Yogurt Stars is like playing 3 Strikes on The Price is Right and just drawing strike chips.

"Ugh. Another vanilla one?"