Behold, the third installment on Jonathan Yu's Summer Entertainment Awards. Why do I do this? I honestly don't know. This summer…sucked, probably because every time I went to the movies, Hollywood went out of their way to tease me with those goddamn Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter previews, as if to say, "If you want the good shit, you're gonna have to endure the bad shit first." Assholes. What's more, unlike previous years, there was no breakout hit this summer. The entertainment industry seems to have hit a dry spell, but not me! 82 awards targeting the past four months (May through August) come your way NOW:
worst trend that must stop immediately
Oh, sequels. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
American Pie 2
Apocalypse Now Redux
Dr. Dolittle 2
Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back
Jurassic Park III
The Mummy Returns
Planet Of The Apes
Rush Hour 2
Scary Movie 2
Spy Kids: Special Edition
Big Brother 2 • CBS
Real World X • MTV
Road Rules X • MTV
"I'm A Believer" • SMASH MOUTH
"Smooth Criminal" • ALIEN ANT FARM
"Bootylicious (Rockwilder Remix)" • DESTINY'S CHILD featuring MISSY ELLIOTT
"Elevation (Remix)" • U2
"Get Ur Freak On (Remix)" • MISSY ELLIOTT featuring NELLY FURTADO
"I'm Real (Remix)" • J. LO featuring JA RULE
"Irresistible (Sosodef Remix)" • JESSICA SIMPSON featuring LIL' BOW WOW
"Loverboy (Remix)" • MARIAH CAREY featuring LUDACRIS, SHAWNA, 22, DA BRAT, and CAMEO
"Someone To Call My Lover (Sosodef Remix)" • JANET JACKSON featuring J.D.
"Survivor (Carmen Remix)" • DESTINY'S CHILD featuring DA BRAT
"This Is Me (Remix)" • DREAM featuring P. DIDDY and KAIN
Seann William Scott • EVOLUTION, AMERICAN PIE 2, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
It takes a truly versatile thespian to convey the emotions behind the word "dude" in so many disparate movies.
best supporting actor
Jermaine Dupri • "BALLIN' OUT OF CONTROL," "GHETTO GIRLS," "HARDBALL," "IRRESISTIBLE (SOSODEF REMIX)," "SOMEONE TO CALL MY LOVER (SOSODEF REMIX)," "WHERE THE PARTY AT?"
Also known as the no-talent talent award.
"Pop" • *NSYNC
What is *NSYNC doing defending pop music in a song that's not pop? Pop music has a melody. "Pop" does not. Do you wanna hop on pop? In interviews, *NSYNC claims that songs like "Pop" are what they believe to be the future of pop music. It seems that nobody has informed them that electronic music has been around for years now.
most appropriate title
Six Feet Under • HBO
best case where shilling for corporations is beneficial
the Area: One festival
As with his slow-breaking record Play, Moby relied on commercial sponsorships to get him over the top: A large "Digital Music Zone" on the fairgrounds showcased the magic of the Pentium 4 chip, and the DJ tent was officially the Ford Focus Area.
best case where shilling for corporations is detrimental
Apparently, the boos during their NBA Finals halftime performance (in which one of them wore a Lakers jersey in front of a Philadelphia crowd) weren't enough to stop the Houston trio from going on to make complete fools of themselves for Target.
best case where corporate shilling is beneficial
"Start The Commotion" • THE WISEGUYS
Leave it to a car commercial to restart the commotion surrounding one-man British DJ group the Wiseguys. Two years after The Antidote was released, its second single, "Start The Commotion," was given a new life thanks to a Mitsubishi television spot.
best case of corporate shilling
Songs In A Minor • ALICIA KEYS
Who the fuck is Alicia Keys? And how did she debut at number one? Answer: Clive Davis is magic.
Donkey • SHREK
best generic television
WWF Tough Enough • MTV
It was either this or Murder In Small Town X, and between wrestling and Clue, i'll take the wrestling.
favorite tourist destination
Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean, Ben Affleck, Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, Mariah Carey, Metallica lead singer James Hetfield, Robert Downey Jr., and Weezer bassist Mikey Welsh can't be wrong, right?
most controversial animals
Planet Of The Apes and Gorillaz's self-titled record: dividing the nation.
best dramatic performance by an inanimate object
Teddy the bear • A.I.
best comedic performance by an inanimate object
a can of beans • WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER
worst performance by an inanimate object
Brooke Shields • CABARET
best case for why video games should remain video games
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, Tomb Raider, You Don't Know Jack • ABC
best new artist
Enid • GHOST WORLD
Sold-out crowds flocked to see the sullen teen artist protagonist of Daniel Clowes' cult comic-turned-movie try to answer the question "what is art?" in a work of art that is itself a searing indictment of its "artistic" peers.
congressional medal of honor
Manhunt • UPN
Hey kids! Let's force contestants to reshoot newly-scripted scenes in Los Angeles' Griffith Park months after initial production in Hawaii and sell it as reality television. Whoo!
best editing in a movie (drama)
Apocalypse Now Redux
Redux is the movie that Coppola was smart enough not to make back in 1979 when he was still a good filmmaker. Francis makes better wine these days than he does movies. Not only does the newly-added footage dilute the potency of Apocalypse Now's Heart Of Darkness overtones, it also drags the movie out to a "do not operate heavy machinery" three-and-a-half hours.
best editing in a movie (comedy or musical)
The first segment of the movie alone is enough to kill a mild epileptic.
best ending had the sixth sense never been made
best song to actually use the word "abortion" and repeat it 13 times in succession
"Fat Lip" • SUM 41
most in need of a laxative
Chester Bennington • the singer of LINKIN PARK
When he sings "craaaaaaaaaawling in my skin," does this guy look constipated or what?
runner up: Brett Scallions • the lead singer of FUEL
best fat guy
With a dark comic performance in The Score and the unforgettable Colonel Kurtz's return to theaters, Brando showed the world that he's still large and in charge.
worst fat guy
Jiminy Glick • COMEDY CENTRAL
Martin Short is not funny, so Martin Short in a prosthetic suit playing his alter-ego-driven talk show host character is pure hell. I don't think we're ready for this jelly, and we probably never will be.
best evidence that you can run around half-naked in the desert for five minutes and people will pay money just to see you do so
The Rock • THE MUMMY RETURNS
best proof that Comedy Central will give anybody their own show
The Chris Wylde Show • COMEDY CENTRAL
This show doesn't go beyond the usual frat boy antics, but if watching Tom Green wannabe on speed Wylde and his buddies getting slap-happy and humping inanimate objects is your bag, by all means, tune in.
greatest white hype
According to the media, Maynard and company would save rock and roll. With what? An incredibly excessive record and a lame video for "Schism"?
kids' choice award
Kid tested, mother approved.
special achievement in being a good song that, when overplayed, becomes really fucking annoying
"Because I Got High" • AFROMAN
"Bodies" • DROWNING POOL
"Clint Eastwood" • GORILLAZ
"Fat Lip" • SUM 41
"Island In The Sun" • WEEZER
"It's Been Awhile" • STAIND
"Ride Wit Me" • NELLY
"The Rock Show" • BLINK-182
"Smooth Criminal" • ALIEN ANT FARM
"The Space Between" • DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
special achievement in being an annoying song that, when overplayed, is still really fucking annoying
"Alive" • P.O.D.
"Fill Me In" • CRAIG DAVID
"Follow Me" • UNKLE CRACKER
"Here's To The Night" • EVE 6
"I'm A Believer" • SMASH MOUTH
"Lady Marmalade" • CHRISTINA AGUILERA, LIL' KIM, MYA, and PINK
"Peaches And Cream" • 112
"Survivor" • DESTINY'S CHILD
"U Remind Me" • USHER
"When It's Over" • SUGAR RAY
special achievement in being released by a record company
"Control" • PUDDLE OF MUDD
"Deep" • NINE INCH NAILS
"Down With The Sickness" • DISTURBED
"I Wanna Be Bad" • WILLA FORD
"Superwoman Pt. II" • LIL' MO featuring FABOLOUS
spinosaurus vs. t. rex • JURASSIC PARK III
God bless computer generated images.
Amnesiac • RADIOHEAD
Not since Bob Dylan's Self-Portrait has there been a "fuck you" record of this magnitude. While it's not a bad album, Amnesiac was without a doubt designed to send a message from the band to its audience that critical expectations can eat their ass.
"Where The Party At?" • JAGGED EDGE featuring NELLY
Let's be honest. Jagged Edge don't exactly have an extensive vocal range, but a catchy island beat and a little bit of Nelly go a long way.
most popular article of clothing and/or sexual practice
jacket (say it phonetically now)
Blink-182 told us to take off our pants and jacket, Cake had a fetish with loooooooooong jackets, John Cusack was caught on tape cactus jackin' it in America's Sweethearts, and poor Jason Biggs, well, you know what happened.
best intentionally-funny accent
Hank Azaria • AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS
If for nothing else, see the movie to hear latin lover Azaria pronounce "junket" as "hoonkit."
best unintentionally-funny accents
Nicolas Cage and Penelope Cruz • CAPTAIN CORELLI'S MANDOLIN
Considering his real last name is Coppola, one expects a little more from Nicolas Cage than a Chef Boyardee Italian imitation. And whose idea was it to cast a Spaniard as a Greek? "Do you think you can come here… [10 minutes pass] and turn my whole world upside-down…and make me touch my neck…and take off my skimpy sundress? When it's oh-var, you will come back to me?"
everybody (yes, everybody)
Almost-bald women in Blink-182 and Sum 41 videos, Alien Ant Farm lead singer Dryden Mitchell's "Ad-Rock," Bubble Boy Jake Gyllenhaal's perpetual bedhead, Travis lead singer Fran Healy's semi-mohawk, whatever the fuck is on Christina Aguilera's head, J.C. Chasez's shag carpet (as seen on many of our nation's first ladies)… Look, I could go on and on.
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
What? Austin's heel turn at Wrestlemania X-Seven went into full effect this summer as the maniacal white trash hugger made Vince McMahon look like Jesus in comparison.
hardest working person in showbiz
Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott • "BOOTYLICIOUS (ROCKWILDER REMIX)," "GET UR FREAK ON," "GET UR FREAK ON (REMIX)," "LADY MARMALADE," "ONE MINUTE MAN," "UGLY"
Size does matter in all respects.
national mormon board of review award
Hedwig And The Angry Inch
lifetime achievement award
Despite having no record, no singles, no radio airplay, and a short-lived HBO television show, Jack Black and Kyle Gass proved this summer that they were, in fact, the greatest rock band on earth, receiving major press exposure and playing to sold-out amphitheaters swarming with a huge cult following that includes the Barenaked Ladies, the Dust Brothers, Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl, and Spike Jonze. Who knew that two dumpy guys on acoustic guitars, performing songs with titles like "Fuck Her Gently" and "Kielbasa Sausage" could win the heart of America?
best late night snack
SCTV • NBC
Despite the valiant efforts of Becker, SCTV is the best bad television ever made. The make-believe station created in the late 70s and early 80s by the legendary comedy troupe the Second City was the best thing NBC had going for them all summer, rerunning after Late Night With Conan O'Brien to hilarious results.
biggest setback for racial equality
Do you think Devil's Night would have sold as many copies as it did were Eminem not in the group? It's all about the white man, sadly.
funnest handheld object for guys to play with
Game Boy Advance
scariest indication of american stupidity
the fact that Now That's What I Call Music! 7, a hit singles compilation record that could easily be produced with Napster and a CD burner, topped the Billboard charts for several weeks
don't call it a comeback award
Emo-favorite Pinkerton may only have went gold, but remember, the Blue Album went platinum several times over, and those who decry Weezer's new found mainstream success can take their "sellout" accusations and shove them up their alleged "underground" asses.
call it a comeback award
It seemed that everybody wanted a piece of the King of Pop this summer. Both Lil' Romeo and Jay-Z sampled the Jackson 5's "I Want You Back" on "My Baby" and "Izzo (H.O.V.A.)" respectively, Chris Tucker sang "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" karaoke in Rush Hour 2, Alien Ant Farm covered "Smooth Criminal," and Michael's new single "You Rock My World" leaked to radio during the waning days of August.
what comeback? award
Family Guy • FOX
"9-1-6, 4-1-5, 7-0-4. Shout out to the 2-0-6. Everybody in the 8-0-8. 2-1-6, 7-0-2, 4-1-4, 3-1-7, 2-1-4, 2-8-1, 3-3-4. 2-0-5, I see y'all. 3-1-8, 6-0-1, 2-0-3, 8-0-4, 4-0-2, 3-0-1, 9-0-4, 4-0-7, 8-5-0, 7-0-8, 5-0-2. Hoes in different area codes. Know dat. Southern hospitality. Northern exposure."
• "AREA CODES" by LUDACRIS featuring NATE DOGG
biggest waste of money on special effects
Halle Berry's tits • SWORDFISH
hottest musical hotbed
Arizona (no pun intended)
The Grand Canyon state is not usually associated with being a breeding ground for music. However, the success of Scottsdale-based Eden's Crush vocalist Ana Maria Lombo, Sedona native Michelle Branch, and Mesa boys Jimmy Eat World shows that things can grow in the desert.
sleeper hit of the summer
Spielberg desecrates Kubrick in this overindulgent movie that goes from bad to worse to zzzzzzzzzz.
the henry freedland "how to get into a chick's pants" award
the elvin lee "how to get into my own pants" award
The Princess Diaries
best movie review
Pearl Harbor • SEAN BURNS in the PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY
"There's no other way to say it: Pearl Harbor is a fucking disgraceful excuse for a movie. F"
those shoes with the wheels in the heels
the "i could take a shit and people would do anything to see it" award
Madonna's Drowned World Tour
Long set and costume changes, sub-par vocals, and only two pre-Ray Of Light era songs didn't stop millions from going out of their way to see Madonna, because she's fucking Madonna, dammit!
worst animated movie with a colon in its title featuring blue shit necessary for survival
Atlantis: The Lost Empire and Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (tie)
Blue crystals…blue manna… Give me a break.
most appearances in bad movies by a 35-year-old white male
Andy Richter • DR. DOLITTLE 2, POOTIE TANG, SCARY MOVIE 2
most appearances in bad movies by a 35-year-old black male
Chris Rock • A.I., POOTIE TANG, OSMOSIS JONES, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
most bad appearances in movies
Alec Baldwin • PEARL HARBOR, CATS & DOGS, FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN
best reason to say "eh"
The Wayne Brady Show • ABC
One word: overexposure.
feel good hit of the summer
Giving Counter-Strike fans another reason to jack off.
most likely to succeed
From underwear to Where Are They Now?
"Your insults…and your curses…make me feel like…I'm not a person." There is absolutely no depth to Aaron Lewis' lyrics. He writes songs that sixth graders would like.
John Carpenter's Ghosts Of Mars
Just kidding. No matter what the critics say, Ghosts of Mars is NOT good.
best place to see macaulay culkin's ex-wife engage in explicit yet pointless sex scenes
d.o.a. keyword award
"spy," as in Spy Kids: Special Edition, Spyder Games • MTV, and most notably, Spy TV • NBC
"We just filmed every single bad personality trait of yours and now we're gonna tell you that you're on Spy TV! Hahahahahahahahahaha! We rule! Sign this waiver so we can show how dumb you are on national television! I spy, in my little eye, stupid fucking entertainment.
lamest movie to somehow gross over 100 million dollars at the box office
The Fast And The Furious
most exciting songs
"Aisle 10 (Hello Allison)" • SCAPEGOAT WAX
"Bleed American" • JIMMY EAT WORLD
"Can't Deny It" • FABOLOUS featuring NATE DOGG
"Chop Suey!" • SYSTEM OF A DOWN
"Rockin' The Suburbs" • BEN FOLDS
"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight…razor…and surviving." • MARLON BRANDO in APOCALYPSE NOW REDUX
best quote in a Ben Affleck movie
Jay: "Miramax? I thought they only made classy pictures like The Piano or The Crying Game."
Banky: "After they made She's All That, everything went to hell."
• JASON MEWES and JASON LEE in JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
"Nadia, I am a band geek. I just never joined the band." • JASON BIGGS to SHANNON ELIZABETH in AMERICAN PIE 2
worst quote in a Ben Affleck movie
"I'm gonna give Danny my whole heart, but I don't think I'll ever look at another sunset without thinking of you." • KATE BECKINSALE to BEN AFFLECK in PEARL HARBOR
reneging on your new ridiculous post-acquittal nickname because people found it funny instead of hard
employee of the summer
the tool who hosts Fear Factor • NBC
"Are you scared? What are you thinking right now? Scary, huh?" Actually, it's pretty funny when he asks the most obvious questions ever, all the fucking time.
least cultural impact
A Knight's Tale
biggest fucking piece of shit…period
"Loverboy" • MARIAH CAREY
Horrible song, horrible video, horrible remix. No wonder Mariah had a breakdown.