The devil named Curry is hurting us

on

USA was fucked over by a New Zealand high jumper who talked the USA high jumper he tied with into not sharing a gold medal and instead jumping off for gold and silver.

USA still wins the medal count because the first tie-breaker is number of silver medals, and the second tie-breaker is number of bronze medals.

The third tie-breaker, however, is alphabetical ranking based on IOC code, in which case, China [CHN] would beat USA [USA].

Picturing China plotting to drive the medal count to the third tie-breaker… And then USA arguing that technically, "United States of" is a modifier, and that its code should be [AME]…

Meanwhile, at the most populous country in the world:

India's best-ever haul at an Olympics is seven medals in 2020.

India has never won a medal at a Winter Olympics.

India has only won three gold medals since 1964.

If India doesn't win the gold medal in men's cricket in 2028…

The organizing committee of an Olympics may propose to the IOC the inclusion of additional events for their edition only.

In addition to cricket, Los Angeles is adding flag football and lacrosse, which just seem like ways to inflate USA's gold medal count against China.

If India ever hosts an Olympics, it should add spelling.

If the Philippines ever hosts? Karaoke.

Yulo was offered lifetime supplies of cookies, ramen, free buffets, baked mac and cheese, and chicken inasal.

A car lights specialist offered him a free set of headlights and fog lights for his vehicle, while another business offered a lifetime supply of phone cases. A gastroenterologist pledged free consultation and endoscopic procedures for Yulo when he turns 45, as well as to any patients in need whom Yulo would like to endorse.

Yulo has also been offered franchises for a lemon drink business.

A lifetime supply of something sounds amazing until it's delivered as a lump sum.

At least the buffet's parent restaurant group doesn't seem to be in danger of going out of business.

Next year, Saudi Arabia will host the inaugural Olympic E-sports Games, because of course.

Idea: Mario and Sonic at the Olympic E-sports Games.

Play as Mario, Sonic, and friends playing Rocket League, Street Fighter 6, NBA 2K…

Alas, the IOC killed its deal with Nintendo and Sega in favor of NFTs, because of course.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

32. Everybody Loves Raygun (Paris 2024 Olympics Women's Breaking, 09 Aug 2024)

Stray Observations

  • </House of the Dragon, S02>
  • "We were renting that pineapple. I shall die in a debtor's prison, being poked with pointed sticks and called a shabaroon and a cucumber-eater by all and sundry." (Time Bandits, S01E05)
  • "Widgit, was that your ex-girlfriend's doing?"
    "No, Fianna can't create an airless void. Not literally. In a relationship, yes, absolutely." (Time Bandits, S01E06)
  • "Oh, I'm so turned on right now. Rub my balls and tell me how Brexit actually helps minorities." (Kite Man: Hell Yeah!, S01E05)
  • "Well, nothing interesting happened while you were gone."
    "So… I have a dick now."
    "That's me and my dead brother's dick. You're just a squatter!" (Kite Man: Hell Yeah!, S01E05)
  • "That's bussin'."
    "Dad, stop."
    "Sorry, no, it didn't feel good coming out." (Mr. Throwback, S01E02)
  • "You're gonna end this, or I'm gonna end you. And I'll strap one on and I'll Saltburn your grave." (Mr. Throwback, S01E02)
  • "Oh, my God, I hate rich kids! Well, I mean, unless they got that way because their dads played in the NBA." (Mr. Throwback, S01E02)
  • "Ooh, a lot of MPs on here [menu]." (Mr. Throwback, S01E02)
  • "I had sex with my ex-wife."
    "No way, Sam? You hooked up with Sam?"
    "Yes."
    "Dude, I'm so happy for you, man!"
    "Thank you. Thank you. Yeah."
    "Wow, did you 69?"
    "What?"
    "You s—"
    "I know what it is." (Mr. Throwback, S01E02)
  • "All right, Steph, give it that hawk tuah! Whoo! Spit on it!" (Mr. Throwback, S01E04)
  • "But I can't tell Stephen because of HIPAA."
    "The big guy from The Sopranos?"
    "No, that's Steve Schirripa." (Mr. Throwback, S01E05)
  • "Hey, are you okay?"
    "Yeah, I'm fine. I just, I got scared when the mailman farted."
    "Excuse me. What did you just say? Did he say I farted? I did not fart." (Mr. Throwback, S01E05)
  • "Danny, do you want to go get some chicken or something?"
    "No, I'm okay. You're in a bathrobe."
    "You think I'm the first guy to get chicken in a bathrobe?"
    "Is that your car [Cybertruck]?"
    "That's right."
    "What's the front of it?"
    "It's all the front." (Mr. Throwback, S01E05)
  • "That smells good. What is that?"
    "Under Armoire." (Mr. Throwback, S01E06)
  • "I love that guy, and the punch made us even. Now who's soft, Brian Windhorst?" (Mr. Throwback, S01E06)
  • </Mr. Throwback, S01>

Heroin Skateboards

on

STEVE BALLMER SHARES FACTS AND DATA ON AN ALL-NEW FOX SPECIAL

JUST THE FACTS WITH STEVE BALLMER
THURSDAY, AUGUST 1, 9:00 PM-10:00 PM ON FOX

Want to know the facts on immigration, federal taxes and spending?

Steve Ballmer, former Microsoft CEO and current owner of LA Clippers basketball team, shares facts and data, you make up your own mind!

[pause]

Just the Facts with Steve Ballmer is a paid program by USA Facts.

[googles "usa facts wikipedia"]

USAFacts was founded by Steve Ballmer. [source]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

30. Gojira × 'toin (Paris 2024 Olympics Opening Ceremony, 26 Jul 2024)

Stray Observations

  • "What are they?"
    "Humanity's worst impulses harnessed into hilts and blades."
    "What'd these guys do, raid Nic Cage's garage?" (Marvel's Hit-Monkey, S02E03)
  • "48 hours of physical form. Turn it on or off as you see fit."
    "Oh, so it's like TiVo."
    "It's not like TiVo." (Marvel's Hit-Monkey, S02E03)

Jorkin Depeanus

on

Jurassic World Bubbles Up Jimmy Buffett Figure

Jurassic World fans and Parrotheads alike fondly remember Jimmy Buffett's cameo "saving" two margaritas as dimorphodons attack and swarm Jurassic World attendees.

• Margarita glass lights up and plays music when you turn the base

• Authentic sounds including whirring blender and swarming dimorphodons

• Figure holds two drink glasses; we included a "lost shaker of salt" accessory

• Premium margarita blender packaging structure with custom artwork

Who is this for?

Who is in the center of the Venn diagram of action figure collectors, Jurassic World fans, and Parrotheads?

Mattel should make this a series.

An action figure of Zara's death in Jurassic World.

An action figure of the toilet death in Jurassic Park.

An action figure of the gymnastics save in The Lost World.

A Marxist and Luciferian incantation

on

[pause]

The luxury health food chain has featured a drink on its menu for about a year that contains raw beef organs mixed with kefir, breast milk, maple syrup, and berries.

Raw beef organs with breast milk?

Oh, they updated the story, replacing "breast milk" with "colostrum (first milk following calf birth)."

Raw beef organs with PRE-breast milk.

Kefir and colostrum ice cream with maple whipped cream, raw beef organ sprinkles, and a berry on top.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

29. Crouching Jedi, Hidden Sith (The Acolyte, S01E08)

Stray Observations

  • "To the discontented, rumors are feed." (House of the Dragon, S02E05)
  • "Tell Lady Vengeance to calm down, I got an idea." (Marvel's Hit-Monkey, S02E02)
  • "See you in hell, Jedi." (The Acolyte, S01E08)
  • </The Acolyte, S01>
  • "Hughie, I asked you something."
    "Fine. I'll-I'll, um… I'll go to the topless steakhouse for you." (The Boys, S04E08)
  • </The Boys, S04>
  • "Do not fuck up."
    "Oh, good thing I only fuck down." (Kite Man: Hell Yeah!, S01E01)
  • "Are you serious? Beyoncé?"
    "I know. She's the albino Matrix twins of music." (Kite Man: Hell Yeah!, S01E02)
  • "This iced tea and lemonade mixture is divine. Reminds me of my favorite golfer, Trevino. Lee Trevino. A round of Lee Trevinos for everyone." (Kite Man: Hell Yeah!, S01E02)