Adam Riff™

11. "I'm Just Ken" (The Oscars, 10 Mar 2024)

Stray Observations

• "I really don't see how you can stand this place."
  "Blur your vision, breathe through your mouth. How else does one get through life?" (The Regime, S01E02)
• "You know who's gonna be a billionaire? Motherfucker who's gonna, uh, create a car that runs on piss. No more time wasted. You're driving across country… You drink water and Gatorades and shit, fucking coffees and shit the whole fucking trip. You pull over, take your dick out, put it in that little hole where the gas goes, and fill that motherfucker up. You're on your merry way. The Peeus." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E06)
• "They grazed your lips with a dick." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E06)
• "Hey, I think you're getting a post-penis bump." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E06)
• "Little jizz. Jizz will knock it out of the park."
  "Warren Buffett never made a business plan having jizz on the face." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E06)
• "You crazy, Bradley." (Abbott Elementary, S03E06)
• "You know, I really admire the commitment to the middle initial, but does anyone know what the 'R' stands for?"
  "Uh, maybe Rashid? No. Probably… Probably Robert." (Abbott Elementary, S03E06)
• "Go help her! Damn! What if she needs to reach a book on the middle shelf?" (Abbott Elementary, S03E06)
• "Let's make sure that he's squeaky clean."
  "He wrote a Medium article…"
  "Oh, no." (Abbott Elementary, S03E06)
• "Tell this milk-dribbling fuck smear I'm ready to go." (Shogun, S01E04)
• "Hey, Mr. Johnson, where'd you get those shoes? Crappos?" (Abbott Elementary, S03E07)
• "Why did she choose to make all the characters Jamaican?"
  "Just let her cook, Gregory." (Abbott Elementary, S03E07)
• "You made my dreams and ambitions seem so ugly when it was all I had. I consisted of my ambitions, you fuck!" (Feud, S02E08)
• </Feud, S02>
• Magnum π poster (Invincible, S02E05)
• Young Tupac Shakur (BMF, S03E03)
• </Masters of the Air, S01>
• The 178 Types of Women spreadsheet (Girls5eva, S03E01)
• Bob Schieffer Face the Nation shirt (Girls5eva, S03E01)
• "I haven't gotten that level of applause since I agreed to leave an airplane." (Girls5eva, S03E01)
• "Just call me 'Ho Spice.' But don't write it down because it looks like 'hospice.'" (Girls5eva, S03E02)
• "It's a damn boob desert!"
  "What is that a play on?"
  "'Food desert.' Keep up, Dawn." (Girls5eva, S03E02)
• "Good gracious, this set list. 'Big P-word Energy'? 'A Gay Anthem by Hospice'?"
  "It's 'Ho Spice.' It should never be written down."
  "Even worse. Girls, this isn't Decatur, Georgia." (Girls5eva, S03E02)
• "I used to do clean Kidz Club versions of N.W.A."
  "♪ Ducks are mean geese coming straight for the campground ♪" (Girls5eva, S03E02)
• "Oh, stop the charadé." (Girls5eva, S03E02)
• ♫: "Is There a Me?" Adele parody (Girls5eva, S03E02)
• "I declare a Footloose!" (Girls5eva, S03E02)
• "Well, when my fragrance, Thrust, was purchased by Terminix, I bought my mother a house." (Girls5eva, S03E03)
• "Oh, no, that's perfect, because I'm about to be a slutting-edge she-E-O." (Girls5eva, S03E03)
• "Wickie's just a real Sebastian Maniscalco." (Girls5eva, S03E03)
• Streamberry (Girls5eva, S03E03)
• "When I was living in L.A., I took a job doing background work on The Goldbergs, rather than go crying to mommy and daddy. Ever walk through a Jeff Garlin fart cloud, Dawn? Well, I would walk through a billion Garlin farts before I ask them for money again." (Girls5eva, S03E03)
• "Gloria, I'm useless. I may as well be food on The Bachelor." (Girls5eva, S03E03)
• "No! I forgot to unsubscribe."
  "That says, 'um, subscribe.'" (Girls5eva, S03E03)
• "I need a Vodka Orbitz, extra weird little balls." (Girls5eva, S03E04)
• "Torque is giving me a massive Home Alone doorknob."
  "A what?"
  "You know in Home Alone? When Kevin heats up that doorknob until it's glowing red-hot? I have that for Torque." (Girls5eva, S03E04)
• "Thought about you being sad and it made me sad. Like Kevin when he missed his family. Even Buzz." (Girls5eva, S03E04)
• Step and Repeat step and repeat (Girls5eva, S03E05)
• "Yes, king! You went there. You should be Bill Burr." (Girls5eva, S03E05)
• ♫: "English Lonely Boy" (Girls5eva, S03E05)
• "Billie Eilish got $25 million for her doc. I can wear sweatshirts and have a brother." (Girls5eva, S03E06)
• "I'm a P.C. baby!"
  "A what?"
  "My mom got pregnant with me with the stuff that comes before sperm." (Girls5eva, S03E06)
• "I added Avatar to maximize searches." (Girls5eva, S03E06)
• </Girls5eva, S03>

10. Original Hold Music (Extraordinary, S02E04)

Stray Observations

• "You really are a mewling vulva, Mr. Schiff." (The Regime, S01E01)
• "It speaks of a very unusual perversion. A man attracted to a thimble-sized fairy."
  "Tinkerbell fine as fuck." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E05)
• "How 'bout Foots?"
  "Foot Zeckelman?"
  "Foots." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E05)
• "There's nothing in the Torah about defamatory bricks." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E05)
• "There's nothing in the Old Testament about defamatory bricks?" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E05)
• "I don't tell you what to do with your semen."
  "Well, what am I gonna do with semen?
  "A normal man knows what to do with semen."
  "I do normal things with semen. I wipe it up and throw it away." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E05)
• "Oh, anal leak. I can't do it." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E05)
• "If he's not a warlock, he's most certainly a pimp." (Shogun, S01E03)
• </The Traitors [USA], S02>
• "Does he have the mind of a child or an old man?"
  "I want my raisins."
  "I can't tell." (Extraordinary, S02E02)
• "Look, Carrie, you have been given a gift. You're single on Halloween. It's the perfect time to step out of your comfort zone. There's so many options: Classic slսt, topical slսt, scary slսt, slսt slսt…"
  "Can I be a slut on Halloween? Sluts don't have to pay capital gains tax, do they?"
  "Unfortunately, sluts do have to pay tax." (Extraordinary, S02E03)

(Extraordinary, S02E03)

• "Why don't you come on in here and help me wipe, big boy?" (Extraordinary, S02E03)
• "I've seen this before. A man in my village when I was small."
  "How did you drive it out?"
  "Well, we beat him with sticks. And it turned out he wasn't possessed in the end. He was just Portuguese." (Extraordinary, S02E03)
• "Is it too late to be a slut?" (Extraordinary, S02E03)
• "Oh, my God. Kiss." (Extraordinary, S02E04)
• Derek Jacobi reading Jen's lies (Extraordinary, S02E05)
• "Okay, triage! What's gayest?" (Extraordinary, S02E06)
• "Stop titting my macarons." (Extraordinary, S02E06)
• "Does he know his penis is still out?" (Extraordinary, S02E06)
• ♫: Vundabar – "Alien Blues" (Extraordinary, S02E07)
• "These are your character sheets. Study them, okay? They have to feel real, like whole, complex humans."
  "Mine just says 'girl.'" (Extraordinary, S02E07)
• "But what about the city?"
  "It's just Milton Keynes. Who gives a shit?" (Extraordinary, S02E08)
• </Extraordinary, S02>

9. Remembering Dipper (The Daily Show, 26 Feb 2024)

Honourable Mention

• Art car fight (Furies, S01E08)

Stray Observations

• "Does your husband have a very low-hanging scrotal sac? A lot of guys do."
  "Oh, my God."
  "How long is it? When he goes to the bathroom in the night, can I just say…"
  "No, you can't just say!"
  "I hear them slapping on his thighs."
  "Get…"
  "It sounds like, you know…"
  "Get the hell outta here."
  "A flip-flop in a Mexican resort." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E04)
• I came here in '72, clutching my rosary. Visions of the souls I would save. Then I learned the true tenets of the cloth: Silk, gold and guns." (Shogun, S01E02)

(Abbott Elementary, S03E05)

• "It's just… It's not working. It's like a DC movie over here." (Abbott Elementary, S03E05)
• "What is a choir if not a sorority for the Lord?" (Abbott Elementary, S03E05)
• "I am not Christian enough for them."
  "All because you got a few piercings? If anybody can appreciate a few extra holes in their bodies, it's Jesus." (Abbott Elementary, S03E05)
• "Zach has already started writing a one-man show about me. He's calling it Fleabag, but with an 'F.'"
  "Fleafaf?" (Abbott Elementary, S03E05)
• "Is the dick that good?"
  "It's worth every goddamn inch." (BMF, S03E01)

(Furies, S01E01)

• </Furies, S01>

8. All Our Vice (Abbott Elementary, S03E05)

Stray Observations

• Doomcore ♫: The Beatles – "Twist and Shout" (True Detective, S04E06)
• </True Detective, S04>
• "However good a shot you think you are, you could have killed Teresa, and trust me, I don't think you could have lived with that."
  "You don't know what I can live with."
  "No, what I meant, Henri, is that I would've fucking killed you." (Monsieur Spade, S01E06)
• "Aren't there are plenty of your fellow patriots in Argentina that you can write angry manifestos and compare kill lists with? Leave me to enjoy my cognac and foul cheese in peace?" (Monsieur Spade, S01E06)
• "You sound like a leaflet someone dropped from an airplane." (Monsieur Spade, S01E06)
• "The child was born in Algeria, which makes him a French citizen."
  "Or an Algerian, depending on your point of view."
  "He was technically born in France."
  "One would have to practically break one's spine to get into that particular position." (Monsieur Spade, S01E06)
• "Philippe made the mess. I just tried to clean it up."
  "You pick up vomit with a teaspoon, you make a bigger mess."
  "What a swell metaphor."
  "I read a lot of E.E. Cummings. A small constabulary on the ass end of a giant hole is no match for the big guns elsewhere." (Monsieur Spade, S01E06)
• "One doesn't go to bed one person and wake up another just because one says so."
  "You mean people are simpler than they think? I had no idea."
  "I mean people know what they want. The rest is justification. Take you, for example… You wanna be left alone. You live in a quiet little village where the locals know just enough about you to leave you be."
  "You've read my mail."
  "And yet, sadly, our pasts are portable." (Monsieur Spade, S01E06)
• </Monsieur Spade, S01>
• "I think the brain and the balls are related. If you take a magnifying glass and you put it on your balls, it's the same pattern as the brain." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E03)
• "My point is lemons are a fungible citrus." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E03)
• "You tell him about the Postmates dinner?"
  "I did."
  "What'd you tell him? You just went like this. You didn't do anything."
  "That's the sign for 'Postmates dinner.'" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E03)
• "Every Black person you meet, you say 'brother' to? 'Hey, brother'?"
  "You say 'brother' and you give him one of those right there."
  "Uh-huh. Yeah. You too?"
  "Respectful nod."
  "A nod is like our aloha."
  "I don't do a Jew nod."
  "You know, you guys got that song already, 'Hey, Jew.'" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E03)
• "All Black balls are like this." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E03)
• Larry watching Live By Night (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S12E03)
• "Where did you even get a cigarette?"
  "Yeah, what you, a French child?" (Abbott Elementary, S03E04)
• "Oh, it's nice to meet you, Jessica."
  "Jessca. There's no 'I.' Jess…ca." (Abbott Elementary, S03E04)
• "Hi."
  "Hmph. Bet you are." (Abbott Elementary, S03E04)
• "Now, I admit that it make you look cool. But it make your breath smell like stool. And that's poop." (Abbott Elementary, S03E04)
• "Pay attention so you don't die." (Abbott Elementary, S03E04)
• "Okay, alright… It just seems like most drugs aren't that bad."
  "Fine, you can smoke a little! Just don't do opioids!"
  "My grandfather's on opioids."
  "Drugs from a doctor are okay."
  "My mom's on Valtrex."
  "That's fine. Your mom has herpes." (Abbott Elementary, S03E04)
• "Exile makes sex more felt." (Feud, S02E05)
• "He ran!" (Avatar: The Last Airbender, S01E02)
• </Avatar: The Last Airbender, S01>
• </Expats, S01>