Jesus Saves, Dutch Kills

// New York City, NY

Free wi-fi for subway riders isn't cool. You know what's cool? Countdown clocks in all subway stations/for all subway lines.

None of the ads for the New York City Marathon that I've seen on subway trains feature any black people.

My hotel's fitness centre gets NFL RedZone.

I encountered a baby boomer in said fitness centre today lifting weights in a dress shirt, suit pants, and dress shoes, his suit jacket hanging on the seat of a recumbent exercise bike.

Blokes in Astoria sure like wearing sweatpants.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Immersion Therapy (You're the Worst, S03E06)


Stray Observations


(Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E01)

  • "Hey, Earl Sweatpants." (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • "And they cheered for their hero, for they knew their burritos would be bland no longer." (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • "I've taken it upon myself to ensure that future generations will know the story of Alangulon, kicker of fat kids, haver of sadistic rage underneath his effeminate exterior, future castrater of Craig!" (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • ♫: Piano "Black Hole Sun" (Westworld, S01E01)
  • Rick and Morty (Shameless, S07E01)
  • Teen moms (Shameless, S07E01)
  • "Lullaby time. Go to sleep / Daddy's dead / But his ghost's always watching…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E03)
  • "When singing Toto, why is it always 'Africa'? They've got a deep catalog!" (New Girl, S06E03)


(Atlanta, S01E06)

  • "Sometimes Grandma forgets she's been saved." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • O.J.: Made in America (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "'10 million fireflies' is hard to recover from." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "I'm sure you've paid for more than your fair share of murder flowers." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "Ooh. Anything to eat in there?" (You're the Worst, S03E06)
  • "Ooh. Flautas – Mexico's spring roll." (You're the Worst, S03E06)
  • "Honestly, I'd murder for a Coke Zero." (American Horror Story, S06E04)
  • "Tell me, young man, have you ever heard the term 'gay for pay'?" (American Horror Story, S06E04)


(American Horror Story, S06E04)

  • "There ain't no return policy. This ain't L.L. Bean." (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • ♫: Wu-Tang Clan – "Bring Da Ruckus" (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • "Shut up, Black Mariah!" (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • A bazooka? (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • "You look like a damn fool." (Luke Cage, S01E04)
  • "Teddy Riley, Big L, A$AP Rocky." (Luke Cage, S01E05)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

We ain't ever getting older

// Philadelphia, PA

Today is my 34th birthday. I took a red-eye from Las Vegas to celebrate it in Philadelphia. First time wearing pants in months.

Yesterday, I realized that I did not acknowledge the 16th anniversary of Adam Riff™ on September 10.

Come next September 10, I will have operated this website for half of my life.

These violent delights have violent ends

// Las Vegas, NV


I wonder how Thomas Keller and Daniel Boulud feel about being marketed alongside Cake Boss.


Oh, this is a touring show?

Al Pacino is doing two evenings in Buenos Aires at the end of October.

The Palazzo is hosting a baccarat championship, which… It's a game of chance. There's no skill or strategy involved.

Video blackjack with a live dealer is the best of both worlds – no socializing necessary, and no computer dealer shenanigans.

How did Spy vs. Spy get a slot machine?


[pause]

If washrooms in a place are single-use, and the men's washroom is occupied, is it acceptable for a man to use the women's washroom?


Desert Trip

// Las Vegas, NV

While my Uber is stopped at a red light, I look to my right.

Does that say… Penis? Oh. Puppetry of the Penis. Oh. Erotic Heritage Museum.


"Home of the world's largest sex bike."

Sapphire Las Vegas is the world's largest strip club, offering "more than 70,000 square feet of topless entertainment."

[googles "world's smallest strip club"]

At Top Shot Las Vegas, you can shoot real guns at your friends:


The "futuristic" ammo is non-lethal.

Meanwhile, at Adventure Combat Ops, you can shoot zombies with real special operatives:


Heh.

Ross has two stores on the Strip for some reason.

Idea: A Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, but for cocktails.


I'm a motherfuckin' starboy

// Las Vegas, NV


What if his restaurant struggles?

Vegas's got America's Got Talent talent.

The Spa at Monte Carlo's specialty treatment is "the champagne and caviar facial, which reduces fine lines."

Aria not having a Cirque du Soleil show is like USC not having a men's soccer team.

Radiohead has only played Vegas twice, "opening for Tears for Fears in 1993 at the Aladdin—where a furious Thom Yorke reportedly kicked out half the stage lights—and again in 1995 at the old Joint, during a problem-plagued tour with Soul Asylum." #LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes

Pikachus are the new Olafs. I saw two Pikachus side by side outside The Linq. Olafs aren't going away, though.

Where does one get an adult-sized Pikachu costume?

"When I grow up, I want to be a gondolier in an artificial indoor canal."

Adding dancing fountains outside the Wynn – really, Steve?

Bellagio adjace.

I feel like working in luxury retail here is an easy job, because I never see anyone in luxury retail stores, let alone buying stuff.

The restaurant in Trump's hotel is named "DJT."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

40. Guns don't kill people (Atlanta, S01E05)


Honourable Mention

  • Silent Student Film (You're the Worst, S03E05)
  • Chris Jericho (The Eric Andre Show, S04E08)
  • Mr. Robot (Saturday Night Live, S42E01)

Stray Observations

  • "How could she be so sick but still so strong?"
    "Like the economy!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E01)
  • "It's so cool how he's, like, a spirit that can be different things to different people."
    "Like Tom Brady." (Bob's Burgers, S07E01)
  • "Chicks love corn nuts." (Son of Zorn, S01E02)
  • Betty Draper shot Don Draper (The Last Man on Earth, S03E01)
  • "God, Tandy, why do you have such a tent in your shorts about these guys?"
    "That's collected fabric!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E01)
  • Ballers Season Grade: D
  • "Cool, cool cool cool cool cool. Our country is broken." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "See you never, drive-through vape station!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "We can outsmart some small town sheriff. We're NYPD detectives. We caught the Son of Sam. Ice T plays us on TV. We keep the Tonys safe." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "Enjoy your blood yogurt." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "Maria Conchita Alonzo. Celery Flintstone." (New Girl, S06E02)
  • "'Every moment you're on this earth is a moment I know where you are.' You know who wrote that?"
    "Great James Baldwin."
    "No, you wr— James Baldwin? What?!" (New Girl, S06E02)
  • Black Bieber (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • "How much for a beer?"
    "Oh, it's gratis."
    "Oh, well… I'll have a Hennessy and Grand Marnier." (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • "I guess I've been trying to be so cool lately that I became something I'm not."
    [turns hat forward]
    "This is me. This is the real Justin." (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • "People don't want Justin to be the asshole; they want you to be the asshole. You're a rapper. That's your job." (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • Biz Markie (Empire, S03E02)
  • Andre's life matters? (Empire, S03E02)
  • "We have surrounded our kids with so much white people stuff that they no longer believe in God. So, from here on out, no more almond milk, radicchio, hummus, goat cheese, or quail egg. To hell with Whole Foods. From here on out, we are a Food 4 Less family. And you know who shops there? True believers." (Black-ish, S03E02)
  • Cuba Gooding Jr. doggystyling Lady Gaga (American Horror Story, S06E03)
  • A Taiwanese dude named "Jianyu" (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "It's impossible for anything to be more perfect than perfect."
    "It isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé." (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "Beautiful, beautiful Jacksonville." (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "Of course I have dreams, man. I don't want to be a DJ in Jacksonville forever. I want to DJ in Daytona, Tallahassee, Tampa even. I want it all." (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "Bortles!" (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • An episode told from a dog's point of view (High Maintenance, S01E03)
  • Hannibal Buress roundhouse-kicking Flavor Flav in the face (The Eric Andre Show, S04E08)
  • J.B. Smoove? (Transparent, S03E01)
  • Nathan Fielder? (Transparent, S03E02)
  • "Jewish men don't do demo."
    "I am a Jewish woman, Joshy, and Jewish women do whatever the fuck they want." (Transparent, S03E05)
  • "Who's Trevor?"
    "He's the gay who comes with my room. I am on a completely different level. I get a poached egg on demand." (Transparent, S03E10)
  • Transparent Season Grade: C+
  • Raphael Saddiq (Luke Cage, S01E01)
  • "You like my Biggie photo?" (Luke Cage, S01E01)
  • "Just slapped you like a little bitch. I'm not the kind of man to used a closed fist on a woman." (Luke Cage, S01E01)
  • An ABC production using a TNT NBA telecast (Luke Cage, S01E02)
  • "I'm surprised to see you this far uptown."
    "I'm mostly midtown nowadays. Puffy ain't got shit on me, baby. I'm the real bad boy worldwide." (Luke Cage, S01E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek


Jewelry and Firearms

// Austin, TX

Seems like every girl here is gluten-free.

Why am I being warned about the risks of drinking while pregnant in a men's washroom?

"Whiskey" without an E looks wrong.

A homeless dude slumped over in a wheelchair on the side of a highway exit ramp turned down my La Barbecue leftovers because of an upset stomach.

Great OutDogs is "the go-to place for outdoor-related dog gear." [pause] White people, amirite?

The Indian musical numbers and Indian music videos that precede Fantastic Fest screenings seemingly all feature a middle-aged-looking man with a mustache and dad bod singing and dancing with a horde of young women.

Floppy Disk Repair

// Austin, TX

Chefs here sure like goat cheese.

The Texas School for the Deaf has a football team. What schools do they play?


I hate that you have to go up to Barton Springs or down to West Mary to get from South First to South Lamar. Bouldin = Lake Union in Seattle.

I walked down East Sixth Street on a slow night. It was just a parade of loitering bouncers.

Still no Brandon Stroud sighting at Fantastic Fest.

When a bed has a flat tucked-in sheet on top of a fitted sheet, are you supposed to sleep under said flat sheet?