I got the jam but not the bread

on

I have not traveled outside of North America since 2004, and have not returned to the motherland since 1996.

A 13h 45m flight sounds excruciating to 31-year-old me, but, at the end of the painbow… all-I-can-eat wax apples!

Best fruit: 1. Watermelon, 2. Wax apple, 3. White peach.

[looks for a hotel in atlanta on hotwire]

3½ stars, but only 50% recommended. Hmm… 3½ stars can't be that bad.

[books hotel]

Meliá Hotel.

[consults google]

Huh. 2 stars on Yelp. One, two, three, four consecutive recent 1 star reviews. I've stayed in crappy hotels before, though. As long as the wif—"wonky wifi, wifi didn't work, pitifully slow wifi, internet is completely unusable, internet is 1970s slow, it is even worse than dial-up."

[checks gmail]

"All bookings are final and no changes or refunds are allowed."

Well, fuck.

Grosse Ile

on

Would you rather just miss a bus on a Sunday, or have your genitals mutilated?

You know how on some airplanes, you can send text messages from your seat to other seats? Idea: A car-to-car chat platform. Instead of honking or flipping the bird, send (dictate) a text message.

Idea: A Showcase Showdown wheel Easter egg for iOS' default alarm clock app.

Things I dream about: Gorbachav, a chav with a port-wine stain on his forehead.

How is there no Thai restaurant in Tuscaloosa named "Crimson Thai"?


as seen on eBay

Graphic Novel Title Idea: Church and Stake. A frosty deacon vs. Deacon Frost?

If you watch Cosmos and then you watch Man of Steel — Neil before Zod.

If you watch Marathon Man and then you watch Labyrinth — David after dentist.

Defended Semaphore

on

Ben: i can't stop listening to 5 seconds of summer
Jon: the american apparel song?
Ben: yes
Jon: …
Ben: man the HOOK

Mash-Up Idea: "5 Seconds of Summer Girls."

You look so perfect standing there
In my American Apparel underwear
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch
I'd take her if I had one wish
And I know now that I'm so down

I heard someone on a podcast say "if these walls could talk" and thought of a chat show à la The View on which the panelists are all chunks of walls – Great Wall, Berlin Wall…

"Sitting in for Wailing Wall today is Washington Wizards point guard John Wall."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on


19. Texans respond to a severe drought (Vice, S02E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "We are the undead, we are the redeemed." (In the Flesh, S02E01)
  • What happens when this show runs out of Keaton Henson songs to use? (In the Flesh, S02E01)
  • "Congratulations, you're alive." (Cosmos, S01E09)
  • "You know what kind of stories poor men enjoy the most? Ones about rich girls they'll never meet." (Game of Thrones, S04E05)
  • "Everywhere in the world they hurt little girls." (Game of Thrones, S04E05)
  • Kubrick film references (Mad Men, S07E04)


Kumail Nanjiani + T.J. Miller (Silicon Valley, S01E05)

  • "I think you have just the right amount of…grit in your oyster." (Veep, S03E05)
  • "You attacked me with a burrito. The juice could've gotten in my eyes, Dan. The spicy burrito juice." (Veep, S03E05)
  • "Desperate Dan, Flailing Amy, Crippled Gary, Jizzy Mike." (Veep, S03E05)
  • "I'm a Prosecco man." (Veep, S03E05)
  • "Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum!" (Veep, S03E05)
  • Jack Bauer is now a cyborg (24, S09E01)


RT: "Jack Bauer's confirmed kill list starts with S1 names. Like he never killed before?" (24, S09E01)

  • "'Dear AIDS'?"
    "We have to write a letter to AIDS as an assignment. I don't know what to say to AIDS."
    "Umm… 'Dear AIDS, please cut it out? Uh… How's the weather in AIDS land?'" (Louie, S04E01)
  • "Clean jokes: 1. Chickens are dumb." (Louie, S04E02)
  • In one night, Yvonne Strahovski is headbutted in the face by Jack Bauer and elbowed in the face by Louis C.K. (24, S09E02 / Louie, S04E02)
  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C
  • New Girl Season Grade: C-
  • "I can do Temple of Doom, man, but Crystal Skull, I'm out." (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E08)
  • "Put it down."
    "But it's a new phone…" (Fargo, S01E04)
  • "Nobody likes being watched while they eat."
    "Some people do."
    "What people?"
    "Mormons." (Fargo, S01E04)
  • "How come the human eye can see more shades of green than any other colour?"
    "Because of predators. Used to be we were monkeys, right? And in the woods, in the jungle, everything's green, so in order to not get eaten by panthers and bears and the like, we had to be able to see them in grass and trees and such." (Fargo, S01E04)
  • "Star Wars: Episode VII – Boss Nass Is Back." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E01)
  • The Trip to Italy Season Grade: C-
  • Eating Ortolan Bunting! (Hannibal, S02E11)
  • YTMND'd: "Have a chocolate!" (Hannibal, S02E11)
  • Dead Ringers homage (Hannibal, S02E11)

#clipoftheweek

How Long Is The Night?

on

This past Sunday, I saw Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter, a film about a Japanese woman who travels to Minnesota in search of the money that Carl buries in the film Fargo, because she believes that Fargo is, as its preface notes, a true story.

Two days later, on Fargo the television series, a young Stavros found the money that Carl buries in Fargo the film.

It's the year of people finding the money that Carl buries in Fargo!

Films in which a video cassette of an existing film is a plot element:
Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter (Fargo)
Dogtooth (Rocky IV and Jaws)
Son of Rambow (First Blood)

Give my umbrella to the rain dogs

on

The documentary film I worked on opens this Friday in my old stomping ground of Westwood. But first, we're screening it tonight at the American Apparel factory and tomorrow night at the Museum of Tolerance.


I forgot that Jack Bauer and I both majored in English at UCLA.

I'm looking forward t—Bachi Burger still hasn't opened in Little Osaka?!

Grieveland, OH

on

You know rock is dead when 311, Foster the People, and Avicii are headlining modern rock radio station festivals.

"Dress to go to a punk rock concert circa 2003."

3½. Pretend that Ben Weasel hasn't publicly punched a woman in the face

What is the logic behind this combination? Saturday Night Live alums who were available?

I feel like Dana Carvey should be replaced with Norm Macdonald, or Dennis Miller with someone gentler, like Tim Meadows.

Would you rather see Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, and Rob Schneider in one night, or Adam Sandler in Africa?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

18. Lomo Saltado (Hannibal, S02E10)

"You slice the ginger."

Stray Observations

  • "I will fight injustice with justice." (Game of Thrones, S04E04)
  • A Kingslayer Bros. spin-off (Game of Thrones, S04E04)
  • "Eat your candy." (Mad Men, S07E03)
  • "I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and…Jews at college, I guess." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "I am balls deep in this omelette." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "My brain feels like it's being fuckin' circumcised." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "I am gonna get some air and then throw up in it." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "I got a hangover worse than the film they made after The Hangover." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy."
    "I know. He's a great actor. He was Scar in The Lion King." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "The Smarch learns quickly. It's like it has an Asian mother." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "We see ourselves as very much post-tax." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "Fuck you stepdad 1 and stepdad 3!" (Veep, S03E04)
  • "I'm taking these people back to dial-up." (Veep, S03E04)
  • "Next week, we have Rupert Grint from the Harry Potter movies." [more applause than Selina] (Veep, S03E04)
  • "We've withdrawn our offer."
    "Well, 'like.' Sorry, wrong company." (Veep, S03E04)
  • Yay Eric (MasterChef Canada, S01E15)
  • MasterChef Canada Season Grade: C
  • "You must include Hellmann's mayonnaise in one of your healthy dishes." (Top Chef Canada, S04E08)
  • "Everybody's mother lives inside them." (Bates Motel, S02E09)
  • Here we go. The episode with the twist (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E07)


(From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E07)


(Fargo, S01E03)

  • Portlandia Season Grade: C+
  • Review Season Grade: C+
  • "Where do you stand on Michael Bublé?"
    "His windpipe?" (The Trip to Italy, S02E05)


(Hannibal, S02E10)

  • "In love, you take leave of your senses, but in hatred, you must be present to calculate your actions." (Hannibal, S02E10)
  • Jack Bauer is a Rihanna fan (Saturday Night Live, S39E19)

#clipoftheweek

I saw Richard Linklater's Boyhood on Friday.

During a Q&A before the screening, he said that television is where it's at right now, but that he doesn't have any ideas for television.

Well, filmed intermittently over 12 years, from 2001 to 2013, Boyhood is a variation on a television series.