Adam Riff™

6. Panties (New Girl, S03E14)

Honourable Mention

• Richard Sherman 30 for 30 Mockumentary by Frank Caliendo (ESPN, 02-02-14)
• Prince Preps Jess montage (New Girl, S03E14)
• Look at this fucking judge (MasterChef Canada, S01E03)
• Battle Hammer (King of the Nerds, S02E03)

Stray Observations

• "Winston, what happens when you mix fire and ice?"
  "Warm water, baby." (New Girl, S03E14)
• "So do you like pancakes?" – Chappelle's Show reference (New Girl, S03E14)
• "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast…"
  "Aren't those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
  "Breakfast burrito." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
• "I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on Iago, backstabber."
  "I'm surprised you've read Othello."
  "What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
• "Oh my God, we're doomed. Boyle looks like a lesbian!"
  "Don't worry, I had a back-up plan. I distracted her with a mirror!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
• "Adam Sandler?"
  "Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian Revolution."
  "Oh really? Who does Kevin James play in it?"
  "Ah ha ha. It's a serious movie. [pause] Trotsky." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
• Joe Theismann: "You broke my other leg!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
• "The highest quality peanut butter…" [shows Kraft peanut butter] (MasterChef Canada, S01E03)
• "Hi, welcome to Nazi Canada! [mimics fellatio] Eh?!" (Archer, S05E04)
• "…said Ripley to the android Bishop. Wait, hang on. Um… Oh, goddammit! What was wrong with 'phrasing'?!" (Archer, S05E04)
• "What kind of oil is this?! I told you grape seed! This is nasty ass olive! I'm gonna smell like Rachael Ray's pussy for the next week!" (Chozen, S01E04)
• "I thought for a second there you were gonna breast-feed him."
  "Oh sí, I am. The chocolate is for me."
  "Chocolate milk! Chocolate milk!" (Chozen, S01E04)
• "Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market. Strolling around, chatting with vendors, it's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone." (New Girl, S03E15)
• Adam Brody plays Jess' ex. Adam Brody played Seth Cohen on The OC. Seth Cohen's favourite band is Death Cab for Cutie. Zooey Deschanel is Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard's ex (New Girl, S03E15)
• Max Greenfield played young Sandy Cohen on The OC (New Girl, S03E15)
• "You brushed my hand at a Dave Matthews concert during 'Two Step.'"
  "'Two Step'?!" (New Girl, S03E15)
• "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I've led a very fortunate life!" (New Girl, S03E15)
• "I am Frank Skabopolis!" (New Girl, S03E15)
• "That's the Nia Vardalos." (New Girl, S03E15)
• "Stop eating crab wrong!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E16)
• "I'm fancy. One time, I had coffee-flavoured ice cream." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E16)
• "Disposing murder victims for money, well, that leaves a bad taste in a Christian's mouth. A small town don't run on a 24-hour news cycle. A small town never forgets. Now word's gonna burn through these hills and hollers like a wildfire. People of Harlan County, rich and poor, will marvel at your debasement and venality. They will spit venom when they speak your name, and they will take your suicide as the last pact of a coward. Now your reputation is ruined, your good word worthless, but death will not be the end of your suffering. For generations, your children, and your children's children, will have a mark against their name, and that will be your legacy." (Justified, S05E05)
• Art listening to Rush Limbaugh – Art imitates Nick Searcy's life (Justified, S05E05)
• "I ain't gonna take your compliment after taking your insult." (Justified, S05E05)

(Justified, S05E05)

• "A man that just talks is no man." (Justified, S05E05)
• "I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want." (Modern Family, S05E14)
• Top Chef Season Grade: C
• "I rep Kirkland." (Workaholics, S04E03)
• "Three dudes in matching Kirkland fits? More like Twirkland, right?" (Workaholics, S04E03)
• "Oh my gosh, are those Kirkland jeans?"
  "Oh these? Yeah, they are Kirkland. And I'm looking like a boss, though, in head-to-toe Costco." (Workaholics, S04E03)
• "Black people don't make out with dogs." (Broad City, S01E03)
• Theme song by Tad Kubler of The Hold Steady (Enlisted, S01E05)
• "Man, I am a slang word for genitals." (Enlisted, S01E05)
• "Our tears are private, Private!" (Enlisted, S01E05)
• The wheat field cinematography (Banshee, S02E05)
• Music: "Missing Reward" by Mt. Royal (Banshee, S02E05)

#clipoftheweek

• A Campaign for Mayor, and for a Mate
  So, uhh, The New York Times covered the wedding of our eponym Adam Riff.

5. Can-can line of family recrimination (Bob's Burgers, S04E11)

Honourable Mention

• Pool Fight to the Death (Workaholics, S04E02)
• "ÜBERCVRRNT" (The Midnight Beast, S02E02)
• Super Champions with Kyle (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)

Stray Observations

• "Name one movie where puppets get water for people."
  "Pretty Woman."
  "I will have to rent that and see." (Bob's Burgers, S04E11)
• "If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward, then brother, that person is a piece of shit." (True Detective, S01E03)
• "The transference of fear and self-loathing to an authoritarian vessel is catharsis. He absorbs their dread with his narrative. Because of this, he's effective in proportion to the amount of certainty he can project. Certain linguistic anthropologists think that religion is a language virus that re-writes pathways in the brain, dulls critical thinking." (True Detective, S01E03)
• "The ontological fallacy of expecting a light at the end of the tunnel, well, that's what the preacher sells, same as a shrink. See, the preacher, he encourages your capacity for illusion, then he tells you it's a fuckin' virtue. Always a buck to be had doing that. I mean, it's such a desperate sense of entitlement, isn't it? Surely this is all for me. Me, me, me. I, I, I. I'm so fuckin' important! I'm so fuckin' important!" (True Detective, S01E03)
• "People incapable of guilt usually do have a good time." (True Detective, S01E03)
• "People. I have seen the finale of thousands of lives, man. Young, old. Each one is so sure of their realness, you know, that their sensory experience constituted a unique individual with purpose, meaning, so certain that they were more than a biological puppet. Well, the truth wills out, everybody sees once the strings are cut off, all down. […] Each stilled body so certain that they were more than the sum of their urges, all the useless spinning, tired mind, collision of desire and ignorance." (True Detective, S01E03)
• "The world needs bad men. We keep the other bad men from the door." (True Detective, S01E03)
• Beer can origami (True Detective, S01E03)
• "This is what I mean when I'm talking about time and death and futility. Now there are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions. Our 14 straight hours of staring at DBs, these are the things you think of. You ever done that? You look in their eyes, even in a picture. Doesn't matter if they're dead or alive, you can still read them. And you know what you see? They welcomed it, not at first, but right there in the last instant. It's an unmistakable relief. See, because they were afraid, and now they saw for the very first time how easy it was to just let go, and they saw in that last nano-second, they saw what they were, that you, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never anything but a jerry-rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go, finally know that you didn't have to hold on so tight, to realize that all your life, you know, all your love, all your hate, all your memory, all your pain, it was all the same thing, it was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about being a person. And like a lot of dreams, there's a monster at the end of it." (True Detective, S01E03)
• "Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!" (Archer, S05E03)
• "Have you ever heard a country song?"
  "Umm…'Danger Zone'?" (Archer, S05E03)
• "So, why'd he build a bunch of tunnels?"
  "To capture runaway slaves and sell them back to their rightful owners. I want to say his plan was to dress like a ghost?" (Archer, S05E03)
• "Shut your dick trap." (Archer, S05E03)
• "I wish that shotgun was my penis."
  "If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway." (Rick and Morty, S01E06)
• "Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I?" (Rick and Morty, S01E06)
• "Ugh. I hate that dude's shitty face." (Chozen, S01E03)
• "Webelo shovel." (Justified, S05E04)
• Boyd and Tim playing Scrabble (Justified, S05E04)
• "See ya, Fish Diesel."
  "Could've said Fin Diesel." (Workaholics, S04E02)
• "You can't dip your pen in company stink." (Workaholics, S04E02)
• John Starks reference (Workaholics, S04E02)
• "Oh, it was horrible! I was stuck on a network musical. It was a live version of The Sound of Music. I wasn't even the lead. I was Liesl." (American Horror Story, S03E13)
• "Liza Minelli talks about her hip." (American Horror Story, S03E13)
• "If you want a stiff one, come over here." (American Horror Story, S03E13)
• "I can't spend eternity here! What is this, KNOTTY PIIIINE?!" (American Horror Story, S03E13)
• American Horror Story Season Grade: B-
• "I don't start watching shows until they're so popular that watching them is no longer a statement." (Community, S05E06)
• "Fat dog for midterms." (Community, S05E06)

Troy (Community, S05E06)

• "Hey, that box has my name on it."
  "Hey, this one has my name on it."
  "This one has plates' name on it!" (Parks and Recreation, S06E13)
• Rob Lowe dancing to "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers (Parks and Recreation, S06E13)
• Rob Lowe playing JFK reference (Parks and Recreation, S06E13)
• No one cares that you're a chemist, Nicole! (King of the Nerds, S02E02)
• Hannah's book storyline is excruciating (Girls, S03E05)
• "If I didn't want to have a life, I'd move to L.A." (Looking, S01E03)
• "Are you talking about being unemployed? Are you crazy? I'm Asian. Our DNA rends itself apart when we lose our jobs." (Looking, S01E03)
• "Would you have sex with him [Russell Tovey]?"
  "Yeah."
  "Really? With those ears? I mean, those ears are big."
  "Yeah, he's like the white Will Smith." (Looking, S01E03)
• Jason Hood is played by Dave Thomas' [SCTV] son (Banshee, S02E04)

(Banshee, S02E04)

• "Coincidentally, I also have yogurt." (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
• "Put your hands up if you're down with the cause / Keep them up if your ancestors owned us." (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
• "Latino Bert." (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
• "Frida Kahlo will jack you up!" (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
• The Ambiguously Gay Duo originated on The Dana Carvey Show. Super Champions originated on Sports Show with Norm MacDonald (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)

#clipoftheweek