Antebellum Prose

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14 years after turning his back on the Green Street Elite and getting into mixed martial arts, Danny Harvey's world is shattered when his younger brother Joey is killed in what seems to be a pre-planned fight. With no leads to go on, and determined to seek justice, Danny is forced to re-enter the world of organised football hooliganism in order to find out the identity of his brother's killer and mete out revenge in the only way he knows how. [source]

However, since Danny's departure, the rules of hooliganism have changed. Danny learns that the hooligans now compete in an underground-style tournament pitting five on five. [source]

I like how each sequel to Green Street [Hooligans] strays further and further from the original film.

Green Street 1 = football hooliganism
Green Street 2 = hooligans in prison
Green Street 3 = a mixed martial artist's vengeance via hooligan survivor series


LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Green Street 4: The World Warrior. When West Ham qualifies for the Champions League…

Does a hooligan fighting game exist? FIFA vs. Capcom.

God, if you can hear me, crash this train

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Jon: Red Sox burrpen.
Jon: Because, you know, Asians.
Ben: [pause]

Previously on Adam Riff™:

That was in 2008, so…"14 years old, 7 parades" today?

We should check in on him every few years, à la the Up Series.

"50 years old, 7 parades." [commits suicide]

Jon: The Sox find a German middle reliever and an Italian set-up man so Farrell can "mobilize the Axis."
Ben: STOP.

After Monday Night Raw goes off the air, top WWE superstars will wrestle in a dark match that the face wins (or faces win), sending the remaining audience home happy.

MLB teams should do something similar. After a loss, star players on the home team hit some balls into the seats – autographed balls, perhaps.

Okay, first crack:
Washington = Leslie Knope
Washington State = Andy Dwyer
Oregon = Tom Haverford
Oregon State = Donna Meagle
Cal = Ben Wyatt
Stanford = Ron Swanson
UCLA = April Ludgate
USC = Jerry Gergich
Utah = Ann Perkins
Colorado = Chris Traeger
Arizona = Jean-Ralphio Saperstein
Arizona State = Mona Lisa Saperstein

Cremate your teammates and freebase the ashes

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I legit lolled at that logline.


a screencap of the teaser for Tiger House

I somehow ended up re-watching the Gordon Gartrelle shirt episode of The Cosby Show on YouTube, and it's still funny after all these years.

Rory: Funnier shirt: Denise's Gordon Gartrelle or the low-talker's puffy shirt?
Jon: Oof. Sewphie's choice. Both still crack me up.

So the content-conscious Mormon director of Napoleon Dynamite is directing a film written by the writers of Eastbound and Down and Observe and Report.

And Jim Carrey is the lead.

And Lorne Michaels is producing.

And it will feature product placement.

  • JUNAN Trailer
    If you're a young woman from a conservative background, what do you do when you discover a "growth with a human face" between your legs?

You owe me a life

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A play on a 13-year-old Nelly song was the winning ad campaign? Which agency conceived it? Cool Dads and Partners?

Is General Mills trying to make Honey Nut Cheerios the Sprite of cereals – the Sprite to plain Cheerios' Coca-Cola? Or did it just really love the slogan "must be the honey"?

All I see in Capital One's current ad is Alec Baldwin's chest hair.

Manifest destiny.

0:16 – Why does this dude leisurely swinging on a swing in his living room only have one second to talk? Where is he rushing off to in sandals?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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42. Fierce Creatures (American Horror Story, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Sorry, Pookie." (The Walking Dead, S04E01)
  • "I wouldn't put something alive in a box." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E06)
  • "I'm a mature man. I listen to fuckin' Terry Gross now." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • RT: "Astute scholars of popular culture will surely recognize the dancing robot's song as the Lambda Lambda Lambda Rap from Revenge of the Nerds." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "The only people that get to get wet are people that are nice to me." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "In Mexico, you just slide down the fuckin' garbage chute, huh?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "No lines at the water park. This is what I call a wet dream." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "There will be no dick sucks tonight." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "Dear God, should I go get my dick sucked?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "I'm gonna keep my money where my mouth is – um, under my nose. That saying actually does work." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the woodword."
    "You mean, 'woodwork'?"
    "What is 'woodwork'?!"
    "What's 'woodword'?!?!" (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "You are so drunk right now. What happens with the rest of your day? Do you even think about that?"
    "You don't understand drinking at all." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "Well then how 'bout this? Two can help. And if two are gonna help, then I'll be one of them, 'cause two can tango on this dance." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "You want my purses to be covered in gemstones?"
    "All guys do! That's what we think is sexy! We want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a miniskirt with a purse with gems!" (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "If a genie did come out, what would you wish for?"
    "More candelabras." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "Bitch, I will eat you!" (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • Cornrow City Salon. (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • "Out of my way, slave." (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • Stevie Nicks was a powerful white witch. (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • "At least in death you can't disappoint the ones you love." (American Horror Story, S03E02)


Gratuitous Jessica Lange eating fried chicken (American Horror Story, S03E02)


(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E07)

  • "Religious stuttering army carnies." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E07)
  • "Ho-ly shit. Dennis is Spider-Man." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E07)
  • "Like a farting mime?" (The League, S05E07)
  • "Twitter Watergate." (Parks and Recreation, S06E05)
  • "Number sign bitch boss." (Parks and Recreation, S06E05)


(Parks and Recreation, S06E05)


(Childrens Hospital, S05E12)

  • "You know you get my dick all swole. Even when it don't want to do nothing, you be getting my dick swole. It be unmotivated and you motivate it. You are goddamn, the Pat Summitt of my dick." (The Eric Andre Show, S02E03)
  • Tiny Toon Adventures references! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E11)
  • "You played Dwight Schrute on The Office. What were your lines on that project?"
    "Um, it started like this: 'Michael! Jim put my stapler in Jell-O again. Jim, what are you doing? I'm on the phone.'"
    "Let's skip ahead to the final episode. What are your lines?"
    "Angela, I love you so much."
    "No no no. That's Who's the Boss?. Do The Office." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E11)

#clipoftheweek

Rape Gang or Die

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She can't sing
She can't dance
But who cares
She walks like Rihanna

[pause]

I'm looking for a girl who can sing and/or dance, but I'll make an exception for an untalented one if she has a gait similar to Rihanna's.

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until her no longer being able to walk like Rihanna do us part.

Is this song supposed to be a play on "Moves Like Jagger"? Because unlike Mick Jagger's moves, I can't picture how Rihanna walks. Who pays attention to how non-handicapped people walk? I couldn't tell you how my flatmate walks, let alone feckin' Rihanna.

Walks like Vince McMahon? Gotcha. Rihanna, though… What's notable about how she walks?

She can't sing
She can't dance
But who cares
She's not paraplegic

I got the strength of my legs and a violent approach

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Nick Offerman:

I lost two or three weeks to two video games in the '90s. One was called Banjo-Kazooie, and one was called Earthworm Jim.

I'm trying to picture Nick Offerman playing Banjo-Kazooie.

I've been listening to the Jay and Dan Podcast, hosted by Fox Sports Live anchors Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole. It's fascinatingly puerile.

On the last podcast, Fox Sports' football rules analyst Mike Pereira joked about 1. masturbating in his apartment and 2. Jay thinking about him with a tube up his ass while masturbating.

The tube is up Mike's ass, not Jay's.

2. Jay thinking about [Fox Sports' football rules analyst Mike Pereira with a tube up his ass] while masturbating.

My girlfriend's friends went as Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley one year to Halloween.

File under: Things I never expected to hear Daniel Radcliffe say.

I'm afraid I'll be Tyrese

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I passed a man begging for money to return to Baltimore, MD.

Hmm… A Megabus ticket from New York City to Baltimore is what, $10? Oh, but the one time I rode Megabus, you couldn't buy tickets at the door. The driver only accepted passengers who bought tickets online.

"Departs 6:40 AM, arrives 9:50 AM. Too early for you?"

I passed a couple begging for money to return to Sarasota, FL.

How did they end up stranded? If New York City didn't pan out, why didn't they flee before they ran out of money?

Danielle: there are several potential narratives. drug addicts. alcoholics.
Jon: you can drink and drug in florida too. why travel 1200 miles north? and if they couldn't stay in florida, why not just move to georgia?

I passed a lad begging for money to return to Long Island, NY.

Bruv, are you serious? Manhattan to Long Island? You can't call someone to come pick you up? Oh his sign says that he was jumped and lost his mobile. [pause] Go to a police station and ask to use a phone! Or go to a library and e-mail someone!

"Here's $2.50 for subway fare. That'll get you onto the island. Aaaand some money for a bus transfer. Or you can walk home from Jamaica."