Adam Riff™

The Other Takes of Charlie's Song (from "The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award")

Charlie Day for Mojave Tent 2014.

In Vinnie Jones: Russia's Toughest, the former football hard man turned Hollywood strong-arm goes head-to-head with men whose fearsome reputations enable them to handle some of the toughest jobs in Russia.

In a series of six missions that span a vast and volatile land, Vinnie faces the dirty and dangerous worlds of the Train Driver, Bodyguard, Trawler man, Construction Worker, Poacher Warden and Cowboy.

So it's Dirty Jobs, in Russia, with Juggernaut. [pause] Who conceived this?

—What else does National Geographic Channel UK air?
—Fish Tank Kings?

[googles "Fish Tank Kings wiki"]

—Tanked.
—There are TWO shows on television about people who build aquariums?!

Season 4 (2013):

In Vegas, a hat making company wants a giant koi pond that looks like a top hat.

A Florida medical facility desires a tank in the shape of a syringe.

Jackie Chan plans to build a theme park in Beijing.

The two square kilometre park, named JC World, will have five main paths, each with a separate theme, and aims to give visitors a variety of cultural experiences.

Chan said he will exhibit numerous items from his personal collections, such as special furniture and jewellery, at the park.

Chan will also be donating the remaining Chinese antique buildings he had purchased and restored over the years to the park. [source]

We are 30 days away from the release of Special ID.

I could not be more hyped to see it.

Donnie Yen and Collin Chou's climactic fight is being kept under wraps. If it's anything like their climactic fight in Flash Point, though… Same action choreographer too.

Tony Jaa's return to cinema, Tom Yum Goong 2 (The Protector 2), opens five days later.

I'm not keen on its use of CGI, but it's got RZA saying, "You've become a pain in my ass over your fuckin' little elephant."

• NY man active in immigration reform arrested on child porn charge
  In the original version of the documentary film I've been working on, he was one of the main subjects, but fortunately, we only face a Don Vito in Jackass Number Two situation.

As he drove away from the airport, my [black] taxi driver switched the radio from Hot 97 to NPR.

I wanted to tell him, "You know, I like Rosenberg," but maybe he wanted to listen to Morning Edition?

A sign posted in Toronto streetcars:

Every day? So much for Canadians being nice.

Methinks TTC workers would be assaulted less frequently if there was at least one subway line running east-west south of Bloor.

Good thing healthcare is free!

A problem on buses is passengers not moving toward the rear and creating a logjam at the front when people board.

Idea: Replace the aisle in a bus with a conveyer belt that gradually moves backward, like the floor of a rotating restaurant.

3 best airports to be stuck in
Vancouver International Airport (YVR). You'll find the YVR Aquarium with more than 800 varieties of local marine life. Additionally, there's five spas, shoe and luggage repair, a dry cleaner, pharmacy and medical clinic.

A dry cleaner?

Rory: Vancouver International Cruise Ship.

• Meet The Startup That Promises Free Delivery Of Any Product At Any Time

What a 10 days. Saw a lot of films, ate a lot of fries, and experienced all four seasons in weather.

Now where should I go for my birthday in three weeks?

Hello from Toronto.

Flight Attendant: Who won the game last night?
Jon: Uhh… The Broncos? I don't… Which game?
Flight Attendant: The Red Sox game.

People keep mistaking my UCLA "B" fitted for a Red Sox hat.

Why would I buy a powder blue Red Sox hat?!

I saw this ad in WestJet's in-flight magazine:

"Fly into our office without teeth."

Jon: Is stuff in Canada also translated into French because of Quebec?
Ben: Yes.
Jon: So Quebec is like the vegetarian at Canada's dinner party – gotta accommodate it.
Ben: More like the vegan.

Oof. I feel…

This is my first trip in a while during which I haven't worked out for one to three hours each day¹ to offset adventures in eating. That seemingly half of all Canadian food is deep-fried isn't helping.

¹ This time last year, I was in Las Vegas. 200 laps in the Venetian's pool each morning, followed by weight machines.

Within a one-kilometre radius of where I type this is a war-themed burger joint (The Burgernator), a gangster-themed burger joint (Gangster Burger), and a religion-themed burger joint (The Burger's Priest).

Burgre joint?

I saw this ad on FX Canada:

The Project: Guatemala
Nine privileged twentysomethings believe they've been chosen for a six-week trip of a lifetime. Expectations will be shattered as they're faced with the daunting task of building a centre for orphans.

Men's haircuts in Toronto Chinatown are only $6. For the price of one haircut in New York City, I can get 2.43 haircuts in Toronto. Haircut exchange rate. HER?

Jon: Goddammit!

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Daniel: Might want to invest in an apron.
Jon: I know. I just— I brush my teeth with my mouth open, and the toothpaste, you know, foams, and sometimes that foam…drips. But hey, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to shoot one of two identical Jon Yus, the real Jon Yu will have white stains on his clothes.

And if the toothpaste contains a whitening agent and you don't treat stains immediately, well, [sigh] you're fucked.

I saw this letter in a local alt-weekly:

World-class mayors don't arm wrestle

I just returned from Chicago. This is a city that has had some good hands on the tiller. The downtown is stunning, with new architecture that pays homage to the older buildings. The waterfront is all public land, with bike paths everywhere, including under the adjoining freeway.

People stop by the downtown park after work in their thousands, bringing a picnic and a bottle of wine to enjoy an amazing symphonic concert or some jazz provided by the city. Then they get on an advanced public transit system that takes them to one of the many great downtown neighbourhoods where they live.

The people who work on the transit system act as ambassadors for the city, not as folks whose boring day is being interrupted by paying customers. This, my friends, is a world-class city.

A mayor arm-wrestling Hulk Hogan, and mixed up kids getting gunned down by our protectors ranks us somewhere below Fort MacMoney and slightly above… well, I can't quite come up with a place right now that I dare insult.

Grass is always greener, heh.

To be fair, the deep-frying in Toronto is legitimately world-class.

• New Foods at the 2013 State Fair of Texas
  Deep Fried Thanksgiving Dinner. Deep Fried Chocolate Chip Burrito.

Deep Fried Spaghetti and Meatball – Pasta, Roma tomato sauce, and fresh mozzarella are deep fried in a red lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit.

Parshat Ki Teitzei…

"If two men, a man and his brother, are fighting, and the wife of one of them approaches to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she stretches forth her hand and grabs hold of his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. You shall not have pity."

Today marks the 13th anniversary of Adam Riff™.

I'm not sure it's something to celebrate.

Anyhow, we beat on, boats against the current.

Screw you guys, I'm going to Canada.