Adam Riff™

15. Have Gun, Will Travel (Beef, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Eating Jackie (Yellowjackets, S02E02)

Stray Observations

• "In Buddhism, sometimes your greatest tormentor can also be, uh, your most perceptive teacher."
  "That's, that's really wise. Um, hey, Buddha, nice Tom Fords." (Succession, S04E02)
• "I mean, I'd love to not go, but I think we kinda have to drink at least a couple of Martini Passive Agressos just to make up, right?" (Succession, S04E02)
• "Maybe…dad is not on it like he used to be, and maybe he's underplayed his hand and the board are all a hand-fucking-picked bunch of Japanese plastic cats just waving it through." (Succession, S04E02)
• "Why am I looking at all this pizza, huh? It's killing me. This is, it's out of control, Tom!" (Succession, S04E02)
• "What do you want?"
  "Uh, do you think they know how to make a vodka tonic?"
  "House red? Do I dare? No, no, no. Just a club soda with a sealed lid. Uh, nothing from that tainted nozzle."
  "Con, what do you want?"
  "Uh, I'll just have whatever a regular Joe would have. Just, uh, Belgian Weissbier. Not Hoegaarden, ideally." (Succession, S04E02)
• "Your cum, I'm sure, is very washable." (Succession, S04E02)
• "Fuck, she's in the East River. She's in the fucking—"
  "What?"
  "No. She's on the bridge. She's headed to, uh, Williamsburg." (Succession, S04E02)
• "You know what? Just be water, my friend." (Succession, S04E02)
• ♫: Leonard Cohen – "Famous Blue Raincoat" karaoke (Succession, S04E02)
• "Smart people know what they are." (Succession, S04E02)
• "We have a saying in Co-Dependents Anonymous."
  "Y— What?"
  "Uh, Jane makes me go with her." (Ted Lasso, S03E04)

» "You loved 'No'" (Ted Lasso, S03E04)

• "I hope you like secretions. Take a little sip-sip." (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• "Let's address the bantha in the room." (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• "You had me at 'battle droids.'" (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• Din kicking droids (The Mandalorian, S03E06)
• "I have been called a bad teacher more times than I can ever remember. People have thrown dirt on my name. Others have given flowers. But it's all a garden to me." (Abbott Elementary, S02E20)
• "I don't even understand the color spectrum of molly, but…" (Dave, S03E01)
• "Fucking ain't easy, broham." (Dave, S03E01)
• ♫: Taylor McCall – "So Damn Lucky" (Dave, S03E01)
• ♫: End credits music (Dave, S03E01)
• ♫: Lil Dicky – "Harrison Ave."? (Dave, S03E02)
• "Toddler Dave? It's a spin the bottle scene. Like-like, you can't have, like, an eighth grader get felt up by a toddler."
  "Can we have the intimacy coordinator over here, please? We need to know if a toddler can touch our eighth grader's breasts." (Dave, S03E02)
• "Can we get Helhim out here? He at least can be directed."
  "Who's Helhim?"
  "Helhim. Uh, I don't know. Young Dave, one of them. Like, Helhim. He had a name tag that said… I might be pronouncing it wrong."
  "He/him." (Dave, S03E02)
• "Go ahead and release Matt."
  "No, don't release the seven-foot guy. No, no, no. He's, like, a funny visual. We'll have him sneeze, or do something interesting."
  "Bending over is funny." (Dave, S03E02)
• "Your mother ate her hearing aids."
  "Uh, c-can you vomit out your hearing aids after we shoot this one scene, please?" (Dave, S03E02)

(Dave, S03E02)

• "Whose side are you on?"
  "I'm always on the side of drama in this dancery." (Grand Crew, S02E06)
• "I just wanna be taken care of."
  "Yeah. Well…I don't fuck guns." (Beef, S01E02)
• "What white girls you fuck with, then?"
  "Italians, bro."
  "What?"
  "Yeah, they're the same as us. Peninsula mentality." (Beef, S01E04)
• "Any time you want to meet Toni Kukoc, I can make that happen."
  "What?"
  "That fucker owes me." (Beef, S01E04)
• "Give me a front hug. None of that side hug. Tip to tip, come on." (Beef, S01E04)
• "He used to look up to me. Yo, he gave me that nickname, Korean Johnny Carson. All the motel guests started calling me that. Like, that was so good."
  "Yo, you know he was making fun of you, right?"
  "What? No, dude, Johnny Carson was the man. What are you talking about?"
  "Yeah, to us, but Paul started calling you that after he died, when all that stuff about his temper and narcissism came out." (Beef, S01E04)
• "I think he's depressed. Like, all right, like, he regularly drives an hour and a half to what he thinks is the best Burger King, just to eat four original chicken sandwiches, alone."
  "The long one?" (Beef, S01E04)
• "Life lesson: Always sit with the Chinese." (Beef, S01E04)
• "Hey, is Korean Johnny Carson a compliment or not?" (Beef, S01E04)
• "The Last Stand is the best X-Men! Wolverine cannot be circumcised!" (Beef, S01E04)
• ♫: The Offspring – "Self-Esteem" (Beef, S01E04)
• "You know, the thing I realized about life is that it's about compromise, you know? Like, I thought I was Webber, but I might be Stojaković, right?" (Beef, S01E06)
• "My business is a small business. Your business is more of like a, like a micro-business."
  "It's not a micro-business. It's a magnum, magnum opus business." (Beef, S01E06)
• "Asian Male White Female" porn (Beef, S01E06)
• ♫: Bush – "Machinehead" (Beef, S01E06)
• "Yo, why'd you stop?"
  "Oh, babe, I feel a recession happening, so…"
  "Come on, don't stop. It's still in."
  "I mean, a soggy paper straw is still in a smoothie, but it's not—" (Beef, S01E07)
• "We know how it sounds. Sister-in-law turned fiancée."
  "My brother is pissed, but, you know, this was meant to be."
  "Jurassic Park. 'Life finds a way.'" (Beef, S01E07)
• "Yo, one of my shitcoins is mooning, man." (Beef, S01E09)
• "You are fucking proof that Western therapy does not work on Eastern minds." (Beef, S01E10)
• "Juicy shit thrives in the shade." (Beef, S01E10)
• "How come Asians are all lactose intolerant?"
  "Um… Maybe because, uh… Milk wasn't part of our ancestors' diet."
  "No, that doesn't make sense, 'cause all Korean dishes have beef. So if we have the cows, then why wouldn't we drink the milk?" (Beef, S01E10)
• "Yo, everyone born in the '80s got fucking screwed. Like, fast food, candy, fucking secondhand smoke. Look, look, just think about it. We hit puberty right when they invented internet. And then when we left home, that's when ethernet became a thing."
  "Right. All that porn. Uncharted territory."
  "Yeah, it was like Wild, Wild West shit. You know, I didn't even have to search. I just grabbed whatever was available. You know what, we were the guinea pigs, right? We got used. It's fucked up."
  "I guess I can agree with that."
  "Yo, what if— What if our generation started copying the porn that they saw in real life, and then real life became the porn? Like digital, like a digital-analog bridge. Huh-huh, whoa."
  "Right, like…we're the reason choking is mainstream now." (Beef, S01E10)
• ♫: Smashing Pumpkins – "Mayonaise" (Beef, S01E10)
• </Beef, S01>

14. Traffic Altercation (Saturday Night Live, S48E16)

Stray Observations

• ♫: Sharon Van Etten – "Seventeen" (Yellowjackets, S02E01)
• ♫: Papa Roach – "Last Resort" (Yellowjackets, S02E01)
• "Here's the thing. Here's what you have to understand. I've smoked horse." (Succession, S04E01)
• "Jess, find them a journalist to burn with cigarettes while they wait." (Succession, S04E01)
• "The Disgusting Brothers on motherfucking tour!"
  "Shh."
  "We just did it."
  "What do you mean you did it?"
  "She's a firecracker, man. She's crunchy peanut butter." (Succession, S04E01)
• "My tummy's got more knots in it than Wayne's World 1 and 2 smooshed together." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "When I was a boy, I played in Zava boots, I slept in Zava boots, I made love for the first time to Zava boots."
  "Think you mean 'in Zava boots.'"
  "No." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "Jamie, don't you think that coming from you that's a little bit ironic?"
  "I weren't being ironic, I was being hypocritical. That's it."
  "Is that right? Yes or no?"
  "Yes."
  "So that was actually ironic." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "Good afternoon. There is an electricity today at Nelson Road, and the cause of all this excitement goes by one name: Zava."
  "Like Pelé, if every letter was different." (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• "What do you get when you combine one of Hugh Jackman's finest film roles with a fancy-pants New York City getaway?"
  "Jean Valjean Catskills?" (Ted Lasso, S03E03)
• ♫: Psychedelic Alien Language Rock Music (The Mandalorian, S03E05)
• </South Park, S26>
• </Party Down, S03>
• "That was in middle school. We're different people now."
  "No! I'm the same person I was. I don't want a new mom, I love Blu Cantrell, and I still have an AOL email address!" (Grand Crew, S02E05)
• "Me and you, we ain't friends. Okay?"
  "Baka."
  "Baka? Really? You throwing around anime words, and you probably don't even know the big three."
  "Like hell I don't. [scoffs] One Piece, Bleach, Naruto."
  "Mm, Naruto is my jam."
  "Mine too, but Kabuto has more of an interesting journey throughout the series."
  "So you just one of them dudes that has hot takes just to seem different."
  "Well, yeah."
  "If that was really the case, then you would know that Naruto and Kabuto are both trash. Kaguya is the real deal." (Grand Crew, S02E05)

13. Food Poisoning (Party Down, S03E05)

Stray Observations

• "Did you sweet-talk him?"
  "Uh, what's the opposite of that?"
  "Sour-yell."
  "Yeah, I did that." (Ted Lasso, S03E02)

(The Mandalorian, S03E04)

• "Oh, you a loquacious hо, huh?" (Snowfall, S06E06)
• "Somebody sprinkle a rubber on me, I ain't trying to catch that die slow." (Snowfall, S06E06)
• ♫: David Bowie – "Modern Love" (Shrinking, S01E10)
• </Shrinking, S01>
• "Okay, look, activities like this can go left real quick. I know y'all remember what happened in Carmen: A Hip Hopera when Wyclef pulled the death card on Beyoncé." (Grand Crew, S02E03)

Looking ahead: