One of these days, I'll travel someplace other than Vegas or Los Angeles.

The Oregon Pit Crew's Lebron-Chalk Experiment backfired badly before Sunday's loss to UCLA. The Ducks' student section did King James' signature pregame move, throwing chalk up into the air prior to tip-off -- but instead of creating a great visual, the substance just got all over the court and a team towel boys had to be summoned to wipe it up. This awkwardly delayed the start of the game. [source]

We are all witlesses.

What if Arrested Development aired on ESPN? Could ESPN's hype machine have fostered it beyond three seasons?

An Australian woman has appeared in court in Adelaide charged with murdering her husband by setting fire to his penis. [source]

And that's why you always leave a note!

I shudder at the smell of burning pubes.

Idea: A foosball barbecue. Instead of men on rods – chicken wings. Play while you cook.

Beastie Boys plan to reissue Paul's Boutique with a track-by-track commentary. [source]

I'm surprised that track-by-track commentaries aren't more prevalent.

This week on The Secret Life of the American Teenager, two 15-year-olds eloped.

Plus:

Drink every time a character says "don't drink."

• What is the current mission of the art form known as marching band?
• How to Piss off a Geek
• The Worst Target Ever Created: The One At The Atlantic Center Mall In Brooklyn
• 20 Biggest Photoshop Disasters of 2008
• GAY-THAM FOR STATHAM

The wait is over!

When I returned to work on Monday, I discovered that my boss had emptied my bin of empty pop cans and freaked the fuck out.

dramatization:

You wouldn't like me when you don't recycle.

I don't care if it's ineffective! I only care that recyclables stay out of the trash.

Dulce et decorum est pro recycling mori.

After receiving my CES itinerary, I discovered that my boss booked me a flight to Vegas with a stop-over in San Diego.

Travel time: 2:45.

I can fly to British Columbia in less time.

Already fuming over the missing pop cans, I fumed some more.

6:35 a.m. departure... He couldn't book a direct flight later? It's not like Southwest charges extra for direct flights. Heck, I see one at fuckin' 6:30 a.m.!

• Silly Squeakers Mr. Poops & Mini Poops
• Artist Makes Fat Cars
• Why Do We Make Things That Look Like Other Things?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Boring

Forrest Gump and Big Fish mined similar territory more effectively. The best part is the clock story at the beginning.

Questions:

How can the daughter not know anything about her mother – dancing, anything?

Daisy returns from France one day after repeatedly treating Ben like shit and they just live happily ever after?

If the baby Benjamin Button was still a baby-sized baby who just had wrinkles and stuff, how was the super-old Benjamin Button not a six-foot baby? I was really looking forward to the gigantic baby. [source]

The actor who plays teenage Button plays teenage Kirk's brother in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek. He also played Charlie's "son" on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Meredith's son on The Office.

He reminds me of the actor who played Brad on Home Improvement, who I once envisioned as rat-tailed Derek in a live-action adaptation of Bobby's World. I also pictured Christina Applegate as Kelly and John Goodman as Uncle Ted.

I wonder how Howie'd do it.

Milk

I wanted more build-up to his assassination. I wish Dan White was the A-plot and Proposition 6 the B-plot.

If nothing else, it ends perfectly.

You get kind of weird when you see Pineapple Express' stoner making out with Fast Times at Ridgemont High's. [source]

Duuude!

[phone rings]

Spider-Man and Iron Man sleep together in Wonder Boys.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

"Hello?"

"Jon, I think I'm gonna kill myself."

"What? Why?"
"My folks are gonna take me to this place tomorrow. A hospital. To fix me."
"Well, do you want to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair?"

"Er, no..."

"Hey, let me ask you: Can you be a bottom? Do you feel"

[beep]

"Hold on. I'm receiving another call."

[click]

"[sigh] What is it, Diego?"

"Nothing. Just wondering when you'll be free. I thought we could go masturbate on diving boards at our country club."
"Diego, I'm busy right now. Can you... Hold on."

[click]

[disconnect tone]
"Shit."

[click]

"Thanks a lot, Diego. I was just about the settle the mystery of paraplegic bottoming when you... Go kill yourself!"

[click]

Sorry about that.

Where was I?

Right. Milk.

Josh was an extra and claims to be the cameraman in the dog poop scene at Full House park.

The cameraman kinda looks like

[phone rings]

Goddammit!

"WHAT NOW, DIEGO?"

"I'm guessing that isn't your brother!" [audience laughter]

"Oh. Heh. May I ask who's calling?"
"Latika?"
"Who?"
"Latika!"
"Wrong number? I think you want a deli. Hold on. Let me transfer you to one."

"The third Musketeer?"

Human Doraemon = nightmare fuel.

I was at Costco today shopping for pants and saw a sign that said I could not return cigarettes.

People try to return cigarettes?

"Finance or lease any new Hyundai, and if in the next year you lose your income, we'll let you return it."

Hyundai Repossession Plus: Shame yourself to us and we'll let you return it!

I hoped for a Nate Kaeding playoff special at the end of the Colts v. Bolts game, but alas, his field goal was good.

Springsteen should make history by covering "Spaceman" by The Killers during his Super Bowl halftime set.

• Man Covered In Feces Attacks Flight Attendant

"Eva Mendes is HOT!"

A former dairy boss in China's scandal over tainted milk blamed for the deaths of at least six babies and illnesses of nearly 300,000 others has pleaded guilty to charges that could lead to the death penalty.

Tian Wenhua admitted that she knew of problems with her company's products for months before informing authorities. [source]

I'm conflicted.

Does she deserve to die?

Yes. At least six babies died and 300,000 became ill due to her irresponsibility.

No. If we killed all irresponsible business executives... Besides, only six or so babies died in a country of 1.34 billion.

If six babies are negligible, however, then so is one woman.

Last year, China executed the head of its Food and Drug Administration for taking bribes to approve untested medicine.

In most cases, court police execute prisoners by shooting them in the back of the head. [source]

All day I've been picturing police shooting this woman in the back of her head.

It seems so...unnecessary, but what good would imprisoning her do?

2009 prediction: The world's oldest person will die.

Where the tragic cat films at?

What if Apollonia didn't die in The Godfather?

Crabtree's last-second touchdown winning Pontiac Game Changing Performance of the Year is a foregone conclusion.

• The Sad Ending of the 200_ New Year's Glasses
• Video of Most Images of Fish Sandwiches Looked at in One Minute
• this was an idea that came to him when he realized the girl he was with was into whatever

• The Best and Worst Movie Posters of 2008
• The Best YouTube Videos Of 2008
• Pizza in 2008

One more...

We close with my favourite batch of clips, and our first foray into flash video.

5. Rαndy "The Rαm" Rοbinson vs. Necrο Butcher » The Wrεstler
All potatoes, no meat.

4. Dale and Saul vs. Red » Pineapple Express
Switching up the Apatow formula.

3. The Hυlk vs. Abοmination » The Incrεdible Hυlk
It's surprisingly brutal for computer animation.

2. Sammo Hung vs. Wu Jing » Fatal Move
drew: dude this fight is crazy

1. (tie) Ip Man vs. 10 Black Belts » Ip Man
No, Drew, this fight is crazy.

1. (tie) Ip Man vs. Jap Gen. » Ip Man
Japwned!

related:
The Top 5 Deaths of 2008
The 10 Most Memorable Sex Scenes of 2008
The Top 5 Action Sequences of 2008

All previous clips should be viewable.