Shia LeBeouf is on track to break the record for "most completely useless film roles." In the past two years alone, he's played a completely useless dumbass in Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, a completely useless Motocross champion in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle,…
Date Archives February 2005
Sing for absolution
Sunday night at the Grammy Awards, Kanye West prayed before the announcement of Best New Artist and then lost to Maroon 5. Haha. West's loss was particularly satisfying because he's a megalomaniac. Saved! At the 2004 American Music Awards, country singer Gretchen Wilson beat out…
Pittsburgh or boobs?
This Friday, two rock stars will face off at your local cinemaplex. On the heels of wife Gwen Stefani's turn as Jean Harlow in The Aviator, Gavin Rossdale (of the band Bush) plays Balthazar in Constantine. Meanwhile, Dave Matthews plays Otis, an ex-con who sings…
Academic Injury
At the airport the other day, the security officer at the baggage inspection area exit asked to see my boarding pass. I showed it to him and he thanked me and then slyly added "Michigan, eh? Go blue…" as I walked away. This is not…
The last hurrah-ah-ah…do it again
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are supposedly on hiatus, but frontman Dicky Barrett's career moves (not to mention the band's defunct official website) suggest otherwise. Dicky's been the announcer for Jimmy Kimmel Live for a while now and recently debuted as the morning DJ on So…
Strike the fucking match to light this fuse
Attention fans of Arrested Development: petitions and letters are useless without someone like Bill O'Reilly personally adopting the cause and continuously voicing outrage until the target bows. If you really want Fox to restart production, convince Adult Swim to add the series to its lineup….
You can't kill the rooster
reporting from: Mountain View, CA If California was a Canadian province and I grew up in the city of Orange, my hometown would be Orange, CA, CA. I'm at home for a few days to cash in on the holiday. It's a custom during Chinese…
Actually, I'm currently unemployed
Judging by what's on television nowadays, the American public is clearly fascinated by the premise that anything and everything can be "improved" — bodies, houses, cars, lives, etc. With that said, someone should consider a makeover show for frat parties. I think there is good…
America's priorities are a joke
This is how retarded my country is: Fox renamed The Best Damn Sports Show Period "The Best Darn Sports Show Period" for the show's Super Bowl-related broadcasts. How much longer can the Black Eyes Peas continue performing the same two songs? They might as well…
There's a difference between conscience, conscious and conscientious, contrary to popular belief
Actual movies set for release in 2005: Santa's Slay It turns out that Santa Claus (WCW superstar Goldberg) is not really the cuddly, harmless old fellow that we all know and love. In fact, he's a devil, and the only thing that has been keeping…