Proposed NBA Playoffs Improvements

on

Previously on Adam Riff™:

1. The winning team of a series gets to add one member of the losing team to its bench.

So, for example:

The Rockets beat the Timberwolves in the first round and add Karl-Anthony Towns to its bench for the second round.

The Rockets beat the Jazz in the second round and Donovan Mitchell joins Towns on its bench for the Western Conference Finals.

The Rockets beat the Warriors in the Western Conference Finals and enter the NBA Finals with Towns, Mitchell, and Steph Curry on its bench.

Never worry about NBA Finals ratings again. You guarantee yourself star power in the NBA Finals.

2. The three players who were added to the NBA champion's bench do not receive rings.

It's like how chefs who were eliminated on Top Chef return to assist the finalists for the final challenge.

3. To add some strategy, the team with the best regular season record in each conference gets to seed its bracket 2 through 8.

Giving yourself an easier path to the NBA Finals means strengthening your opponent in the Conference Finals.

4. To be somewhat fair, the teams with the four best regular season records in each conference maintain home court advantage in the first round, regardless of how they are seeded.

Steven: Wouldn't work. Why would a superstar help out an opposing team if he doesn't get a ring
Steven: Maybe it would work if they went to opposing conference
Steven: If I'm Donovan Mitchell I don't wanna help out Houston but I'll gladly help an eastern team to beat Houston
Jon: Hmm…

1. The two teams in the NBA Finals get to add one player from each team their opponent vanquished on its road to the Finals.

So, for example: The Cavaliers add Karl-Anthony Towns, Donovan Mitchell, and Steph Curry to its bench for an NBA Finals against the Rockets.

2. The six added players are ineligible for rings, but all receive $50,000 (furnished by the league) for every minute played in the NBA Finals.

3. In each round of the playoffs, every team can exercise one power play – two minutes in which every point it scores is doubled.

Teams can exercise their power play at any time.

4. The NBA All-Star Game MVP receives immunity from fouling out throughout the playoffs.

He can foul unlimited times. Suspensions and ejections for technical and flagrant fouls still apply, however.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on


18. A Kanye Place (Saturday Night Live, S43E19)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Evil sees me as one of them."
    "So, you're like Kane."
    "That's what I was thinking."
    "Kane?"
    "Kane. WWE. He's a wrestler. Half good, half bad. Come on, Brandy, keep up." (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E10)
  • Ash vs. Evil Dead Season Grade: C
  • "Why are you guys dressed like that? You look like you're on Empire."
    "That's what we were going for. Drip drop…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "Why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant?"
    "Title of your sex-tant tape."
    "Ah, did not work at all, but I love that you attempted it. Title of your sex-tant tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "We've been at this bachelor party for over an hour, wandering around aimlessly, and we haven't done one bachelor party thing!"
    "Well, Terry, if you'd like, I could share a lewd story. Kevin got me quite horny this morning." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "I don't want fanny granola! I want steaks and whiskey!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "All we have to do is decipher this list of thousands of random numbers."
    "Huh, I wonder if one of them is 6-9?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "Nothing…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • ♫: Vitamin C – "Graduation" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • ♫: Piano "Runaway" (Westworld, S02E02)
  • "We have toiled in God's service long enough, so I killed him." (Westworld, S02E02)
  • "You know who loves staring at their own reflection? Everybody." (Westworld, S02E02)
  • "Richard, you have an enormous heart, and I don't mean in the same way my deceased friend Gloria did, which the doctors should have really caught because her knuckles were gargantuan." (Silicon Valley, S05E06)
  • "Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this. Sometimes you have to numb yourself. If you wanna work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick. That's why you do the oxy." (Silicon Valley, S05E06)
  • ♫: Piano "Where Is My Mind?" (Black-ish, S04E21)
  • ♫: Two Coldplay ballads (Black-ish, S04E21)
  • LA to Vegas Season Grade: C
  • "Coach, are you mad 'cause he still thinks that the movie should be called Paul Blop: Mall Cop?"
    "It should be. It's so close to rhyming perfectly. They gave up."
    "'Blart' is an actual last name. 'Blop' is a sound effect."
    "I need to get out of this situation before I get very angry." (New Girl, S07E04)
  • ♫: "Cat World" (New Girl, S07E04)
  • "Coach wanted to open up a gym and I wanted to help. Only it wasn't a gym, it was a restaurant: Coach's Jim. J-I-M. It was a Ruth's Chris situation." (New Girl, S07E04)
  • "Why are people taking pictures of the body? Is that a thing?"
    "Yeah. Taking pictures of the casket is the only African-American tradition I really can't get behind."
    "Ugh, that is so ratchet. I'm just gonna go Snapchat the flowers." (The Last O.G., S01E05)
  • RT: Excuse me, but this episode has a character named Elio, and later someone mentions San Junipero. (Riverdale, S02E20)


(Riverdale, S02E20)

  • Mail Robot takes the elevator (The Americans, S06E06)
  • "FUCK!" (The Americans, S06E06)
  • ♫: Tears For Fears – "Ideas As Opiates" (The Americans, S06E06)
  • "Hey, you saw that Dragon Ball Z last night?"
    "Nah, my mom won't let me watch it anymore. Saw the black guy with the red lips and now she says it's racist." (Atlanta, S02E10)
  • "You are a black man in America, and when you meet people, you need to look good. Your clothes are important." (Atlanta, S02E10)
  • Kenan as Takeoff (Saturday Night Live, S43E19)
  • Oran "Juice" Jones – "The Rain" (Saturday Night Live, S43E19)
  • "…Stop until…I feel tears on my titties." (Dear White People, S02E02)
  • "Check out millennial Frederick Douglass calling me 'Carlton.'"
    "Nigga, you dressed like you got a tee time later."
    "Nigga, you dressed like Che Guevara at Fashion Week."
    "What is this, the dozens?"
    "Nobody says that anymore."
    "What are you, 35?" (Dear White People, S02E02)
  • "Trust me. Ass-getting is my minor." (Dear White People, S02E03)
  • "As a white person, what can I do? Do I watch more BET? 'Cause I am down. I love that show." (Dear White People, S02E04)
  • "I fell for a guy who's hot and well-connected and eats the booty like high-end groceries."
    "High-end?"
    "He savours every bite. Hole Foods." (Dear White People, S02E04)
  • "If only I could order you in a Mahershala." (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • "Are you boy-smiling?"
    "What? No."
    "You've been humming 'Weak' all day and SWV is boy-smiling music."
    "I'm not, and black people are always humming 'Weak.'" (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • Tessa Thompson (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • "Trevor, are you a hotep?" (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • "If you're looking for base social commentary, try Andy Borowitz." (Dear White People, S02E06)
  • "Well, why don't you take a page out of the Fallout 4 handbook?"
    "Kill mutants and miss the RPG elements of the previous games?" (Dear White People, S02E06)
  • ♫: Someone – "Forget Forgive" (Dear White People, S02E08)
  • "Stop colonizing quinoa! #QuinWoke" (Dear White People, S02E10)
  • "What if it's just a cult, like hot yoga or New Hampshire?" (Dear White People, S02E10)
  • ♫: Jidenna – "Decibels" (Dear White People, S02E10)
  • The television week begins and ends with Giancarlo Esposito cameos (Westworld, S02E02; Dear White People, S02E10)
  • Dear White People Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Barry

#clipoftheweek

Which brings me to the sex robots

on

// Billings, MT

"You have Uber here?"

My wonder never ceased in the Magic City.

"You have an H&M?"
"You have a trampoline park?"
"You have plastic surgeons?"

"Another Tenacious D song? I'm surprised at their Q Score with this crowd."

Saturday night karaoke at the Crystal – white people karaoke, where you sing in front of everybody, not Asian people karaoke, where you sing amid mates in a private room, or mixed race karaoke, where you read an Asian translation of lyrics to an English-language song and translate them back into English as you sing.

[flipping through the song catalogue]

Hmph. No "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back" by Shawn Mendes.

No "Nugget" by Cake either.

"A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying" is available, though.


!

Hm. There's a Gravity Kills song, but it's not "Guilty." It's some song from 2002?

There's no mistaking the devotion the members of the Billings Kiss tribute band Strangeways have for their favorite band. [source]

Adam Robot: There's a Johnny Cash and Led Zep one too I believe.

Nellie Kush

on

// Silicon Valley, CA

Jerry Mathers?!

[pause]

It's like Netflix is booking guests for comic cons nowadays.

Get them bags, Ryan Hurst.

Is the Renaissance the only time period with fairs? Are other time periods not viable?

Roman Fair. Future Fair. Spa Fair.

The Back to the Future films in reverse are the Westworld films in order.

William/Man in Black's greatest mistake should be a Jurassic park.

Enver Boncos

on

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Nov 2013):

Jon: I noticed the brake warning light, checked that the parking brake lever was pulled all the way up, and then brake pedal sensitivity plummeted. I can't stop your car at will, only slow it.
E: The parking brake lever was up?
Jon: Yes. All the way up.
E: Jon, the lever is supposed to be down.

Jon: Pushing a lever down to release a brake is unintuitive. So you press down to apply and release brakes on your car?
Jon: You pull a ship's anchor up. You flip a bicycle's kickstand up.

// Billings, MT

I found this note taped to the driver side window of my rental car:

I somehow left my car in "R" the night before and housekeeping found it in the middle of the parking lot with its lights on. How its windshield wipers activated, I don't know.

Fortunately, the car didn't hit anything and, after checking security footage, the hotel didn't have it towed.

Is the air conditioning broken?

The "fan" dial is set to "4"…

"103.7 The Hawk: The Classic Rock Station!"

♫ "In the Air Tonight" ♫

"Passenger Air Bag: Off." You can disable an airbag?

Oh. The button with a snowflake on it activates air conditioning. I thought it activated defrosting.

I don't associate a snowflake with air conditioning.

I call AAA to jump my rental car's battery.

A bloke resembling Baked Alaska shows up.

"Can you pop the hood?"
"My key fob doesn't work because the car battery died so I can't ope—"

He grabs the fob from me, pushes the button on its side, pulls out a physical key, opens the driver side door, and pops the hood.

Oh. That's what that button does.

I didn't successfully navigate any of the traffic circles I encountered.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

17. "Laffy Taffy" (Atlanta, S02E09)

Honourable Mention

  • Fenway Park gallows (The Handmaid's Tale, S02E01)
  • Paige and Philip sparring (The Americans, S06E05)
  • Gas Mathematics? (Inside the NBA, 04-26-18)

Stray Observations

  • "140 characters is far more than anyone needs to make a point."
    "They actually upped it to 280."
    "Oh, good God…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E18)
  • "I've started saving $200 a month just by buying John Wick instead of renting it every two nights." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E18)
  • Drone host (Westworld, S02E01)
  • "Even now, you all still talk in code?"
    "Everything is code here." (Westworld, S02E01)
  • "Up next: The conversation every parent dreads: How to talk to your kids about the blockchain." (Silicon Valley, S05E05)
  • "People loved it, including Adrien Grenier."
    "From Devil Wears Prada!" (Silicon Valley, S05E05)
  • "I'm just the parsley around here. Richard is the meat and the potatoes and the rice pilaf." (Silicon Valley, S05E05)
  • "You don't say 'no' to Adrien Grenier's edutainment webseries. You just don't." (Silicon Valley, S05E05)


(Silicon Valley, S05E05)

  • "You didn't kill those Bolivians yet, did you? I really wanna kill them with you." (Barry, S01E05)
  • "This is Ramón." (Barry, S01E05)
  • "If you started a cult, I would leave mine and join yours."
    "Don't leave your cult for me. You love Weight Watchers." (LA to Vegas, S01E14)
  • "Parents, you'll be watching from two-way mirror, which is a generous gift from a family that is too powerful to name. [whispering] It's Tate Donovan." (New Girl, S07E03)
  • "The doctor at the hospital said that Benjamin will have a permanent smile, like The Joker." (New Girl, S07E03)
  • "Do you know what love is? It's a hot bath. What happens to things when you leave them in a bath for too long? Huh? They get soft, fall apart."
    "I read that story collection, the one in your book. At first, I was confused. You know, why is she carrying around this sordid tale of sex clubs and drug addicts and… And then I read this: 'Junkies and masochists and hookers and those who have squandered everything are the ring of brightest angels around heaven.'"
    "It's a war, baby. This life, the things we endure… You said you saw the future, and it's an apocalypse. Who survives that: the lovers or the fighters? They sell us this lie that love's gonna save us. All it does is make us stupid and weak. Look at me. Love isn't gonna save us. It's what we have to save. Pain makes us strong enough to do it. All our scars, our anger, our despair – it's armor. Baby, God loves the sinners best 'cause our fire burns bright, bright, bright. Burn with me." (Legion, S02E04)
  • She's still in Boston? (The Handmaid's Tale, S02E02)
  • Marisa Tomei (The Handmaid's Tale, S02E02)
  • Joe Buck's 2013 World Series final out call (The Handmaid's Tale, S02E02)
  • "What are we gonna do with him now?"
    "Concierge is sending up a power drill." (Riverdale, S02E19)
  • "Which gift basket does she get?"
    "Chantal? Oh, the Jeter. Oh, my God. She earned it."
    "You know, iPads don't grow on trees. Maybe you should consider not giving the Jeter to every woman you bring home?"
    "No, Charles, I'm afraid I can't, because I'm sexually generous in all the ways that one could possibly be. Besides, those Piazza baskets that you designed, Charles, they're confusing, and they're unpopular. There's an element of sadness to them."
    […]
    "There is one Piazza for you right there."
    "A Squatty Potty and olive oil?"
    "He's an Italian catcher. It's so obvious." (Brockmire, S02E01)
  • ♫: Kodak Black – "Patty Cake" (Atlanta, S02E09)
  • "Nigga, are you eating chocolate chips?" (Atlanta, S02E09)
  • "You're, like, one of my two favourite rappers. Yo, you and Post Malone." (Atlanta, S02E09)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Barry

#clipoftheweek

Disintegration

on

// Chicago, IL

You don't associate the name "Five Below" with discounted products, though. I think of an ice bar.

Uber Driver: If you don't mind me asking, of what origin are you?
Jon: Uhh… Taiwanese/Japanese.
Uber Driver: Oh. Because you look Latino.

Is it this haircut I'm trying out?

Lyft Driver: [sees my destination is in Pilsen] Are you headed to work?
Jon: No, heh, brunch.
Lyft Driver: Do you speak Spanish?
Jon: Uhh… Un poco.

Chad: Have you been to WhirlyBall?
Jon: No. It's like Dave and Buster's, right?
Chad: It's…lacrosse on bumper cars.

What is that smell on N Halsted between W Kinzie and W Wayman?

Off to Montana.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

16. "I Want It That Way" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E17)

Honourable Mention

  • Glengarry Glen Ross (Barry, S01E04)
  • Text adventure (Legion, S02E03)

Stray Observations

  • Jay Chandrasekhar (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E16)
  • "You're a muscler, I'm a boner." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E17)
  • "Look, cutting all ties to Deedee and FirstSight will definitely send a strong message to Colin, and it might be the only way, like killing somebody to prove you're not a narc, or showing a john your genitals to prove you're a legitimate male prostitute and not an undercover cop."
    "What?"
    "Because cops aren't allowed to do that, and worst case scenario, the john walks off with a free peek." (Silicon Valley, S05E04)
  • Donald Duck callback (Silicon Valley, S05E04)
  • "Hey! Francine! This crazy man know Judd Hirsch!" (Barry, S01E04)
  • "Can I get one of those with cheese?"
    "Absolutely, Jon Hamm."
    […]
    "Can I take a shit in your house?" (Barry, S01E04)
  • "If that Chicken à la King is not the best piece of poultry you've ever had in your mouth, you can kick me right in the genitals. I mean, where are you going at this time of night anyway? Gonna throw your fedora up on a hat rack? Share a warm beer with your parakeet?" (Barry, S01E04)
  • ♫: Little Richard – "Hurry Sundown" (Trust, S01E04)
  • "Are you seriously streaming ESPN+ right now?" (Black-ish, S04E20)
  • "You may invite your gaggle of Kelseys and Callies and other girls whose names pumpkin when they turn 30." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Artem ate all the blankets off the pigs."
    "Now I'm full and you are cold." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Try to make it look like a salad."
    "Avocado, honey, oatmeal – where'd you get all this from?"
    "I raided your beauty drawer."
    "My quail eggs!"
    "I also raided your earthquake kit."
    "My preserved quail eggs!" (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Okay, Bernard, what do you think?"
    "It needs more eye cream." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Special thanks to Bernard for allowing this many carbs and saturated fats into his home."
    "Yes, I've always enjoyed eating foods that are given out for free if a team makes free throws." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "A little room fire? That seems safe."
    "Oh, don't worry, I got this. [sniffs] Oh, I should've known that was whiskey." (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "Keep your eyes out for a cow." (Legion, S02E03)
  • "I lost custody of my kids last time I got arrested."
    "What'd you get arrested for?"
    "Beating my kids." (The Last O.G., S01E03)
  • "Nobody wants somebody famous to look just like them." (Atlanta, S02E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Barry

#clipoftheweek