If I give my story to the world, I wonder if they'd book me for a show

on

WONKA
A dark reimagining of the Willy Wonka story beginning in World War II and culminating with his takeover of the chocolate factory.

The Black List is an annual survey of Hollywood's "most liked" unproduced screenplays.

I AM RYAN REYNOLDS
An inside look at the marriage, career, and mental state of 2010's Sexiest Man Alive.

1000 Deaths

on

I hear nothing but terrible things about office holiday parties, but just once in my life, I would like to attend one.

My current job, the staff is scattered around the country.

Before this job, long-term unemployment.

Before that, I temped at the headquarters of a chain steakhouse, handling seasonal gift card sales. As a temp, I was not invited to the office holiday party. Instead, I ate at Chipotle and saw The King's Speech.

Before that, I worked in a gadget manufacturer's American satellite office. During my tenure, my boss never employed more than three people at once and understandably did not bother with office holiday parties.

Before that, more long-term unemployment.

And before that, office holiday parties for my job in college always conflicted with class. One year, I created foamcore decorations for the party, which I was told were a hit.


Livestrong bracelet, heh.

So yeah. Someday my office holiday party will come.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

50. Black people can't be racist (Black-ish, S01E10)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Presents is like old people third base."
    "No, that's rubbing butts together." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E10)
  • "Caesar salad with tater tots instead of croutons." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E10)
  • "Who's your favourite president?"
    "Bill Pullman." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "Christmas magic is wine?"
    "It's whatever you want it to be. It can be snow, or Santa, or beer, or gin, or rum, or schnapps." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "I thought this was a disco."
    "That's Wednesdays. Thursdays, we watch Scandal." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "I'm here every Friday night. And Thursdays. I love Scandal." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "I want your big hairy nuts." (Getting On, S02E05)
  • Matt Berry cuts off Josh Homme's nose (Toast of London, S02E06)
  • "I'm going back home to Long Island, the birthplace of the female crew cut." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "It's Christmas."
    "Oh, I didn't know that. I thought they just did a black version of Annie for no reason." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "Hey, let's wait in the first class lounge, like the other HBO Go subscribers." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • Pervert Santa is Mr. Belding?! (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "It was worse than the last season of Scrubs. A teaching hospital? Come on." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "I'm-a cut you and Michael Cera's baby!" (Friends of the People, S01E07)
  • "Calling all the fighting spirits of every black martial artist in the universe: Jar Jar Binks, Wendy Williams, Panthro from the ThunderCats." (Friends of the People, S01E07)
  • "Ron Artest?"
    "Hey, fool, my name is Tiny Lister." (Friends of the People, S01E07)
  • A doll warehouse? (Sons of Anarchy, S07E13)
  • Vic Mackey, heh (Sons of Anarchy, S07E13)
  • Sons of Anarchy Season Grade: C-
  • It's car product placement week on Fox-produced sitcoms (Modern Family, S06E10)
  • "Santa was the first white man I ever loved." (Black-ish, S01E10)
  • "The White House was just that – white – until one man broke through and gave my people hope – Dennis Haysbert in 24." (Black-ish, S01E10)
  • "Mexican female Santa?! No! Too far from the box! Get closer! Closer to the box!" (Black-ish, S01E10)
  • "Goddamn it, I was so close to a nut." (American Horror Story, S04E09)
  • Dandy channeling Yeezus (American Horror Story, S04E09)
  • T-2Pac (South Park, S18E10)


Iggy Azalea (South Park, S18E10)

  • "I am trending into something more than human. I am becoming…trendsgender" – best callback (South Park, S18E10)
  • South Park Season Grade: C+
  • Key and Peele Season Grade: C-
  • Death, taxes, Nigella's team being eliminated first (The Taste, S03E02)
  • "Hey, when you take a wiz, do you get a sense of khalifa?" (The Eric Andre Show, S03E06)
  • "311 never happened." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E06)
  • "1 877 kars for kids." (Saturday Night Live, S40E09)
  • "It's rows and rows of little Filipino ladies." (Saturday Night Live, S40E09)
  • "Someone just mistook her for Mila Kunis."
    "Yes, you do look like Mila! Doesn't she? Yes, yes. And you look like someone famous as well."
    "Really…"
    "Yeah. Who is it?"
    "I know who it is."
    "It's a movie star, isn't it?"
    "Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's Jude Law." (Hello Ladies: The Movie)
  • Allison Tolman! (Hello Ladies: The Movie)
  • "Don't get hung up on any one woman. Not worth it. You know what pussy is spelled backwards? Wise up." (Hello Ladies: The Movie)
  • Hello Ladies: The Movie Grade: B-


(Homeland, S04E06)

  • "You point your finger at Islam, but if Christianity is to be judged by the misery it has caused mankind, who would ever be a Christian?"
    "I'm a Jew." (Homeland, S04E07)
  • "Afghanistan."
    "The graveyard of empires." (Homeland, S04E07)
  • "I am authorized to kill U.S. citizens on the battlefield, you motherfucker. Don't think I can't do whatever is required. Don't think that I won't." (Homeland, S04E09)

#clipoftheweek

Christian Fitness

on

$2 Holiday Customer Appreciation, $3 Select, $4 Lunch, Simple $6 Menu – how many ways can Subway put lipstick on a six-inch sandwich?

A six-inch sandwich from Subway is barely food. If $5 footlongs aren't sustainable, how about a $5 nine-inch sandwich? 3/4 4 $5!

Should I ask him if he liked DJANGO?

on

Rory: The National League is the Big 12 – everyone plays everyone. The American League is the SEC – everyone plays eight instead of nine conference games for a competitive advantage. DHs = FCS teams.

Jon: What happens next year when the Rose Bowl isn't hosting a College Football Playoff semifinal? Does ESPN counterprogram the "grandaddy of them all" with a playoff game? I mean, you can't move the Rose Parade…
Rory: Sandwich the Rose Bowl between the two playoff games.
Jon: Like it's a women's wrestling match?

Rory: Oh. In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal, the semifinal games will be played on December 31.
Jon: I can understand exhibition bowls on New Year's Eve, but playoff games?
Rory: Hey, last year's Chick-fil-A exhibition at 8:00 PM on December 31 drew the highest rating for a non-BCS bowl game on ESPN since 2000.
Jon: Hmmph. So New Year's Eve is Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock, and New Year's Day is Triple H vs. Chris Jericho.
Rory: In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal.

Jon: When the College Football Playoff expands to eight teams, the quarterfinal games should all be played on the first day of the bowl fortnight. Make December 20…Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart.
Rory: [pause]
Jon: WrestleMania X, not SummerSlam 1994.
Rory: Ohhh… So New Year's Eve is…Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon, and New Year's Day is Bret vs. Yokozuna?
Jon: In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal. In years when it does…

Jon: In years when it does, December 20 is SmackDown Money in the Bank, New Year's Eve is Christian vs. Randy Orton, and New Year's Day is CM Punk vs. John Cena.

Starbucks Lovers

on


The fuck is this?

Rory: Where would you rank Charlie Hunnam's career among Undeclared cast members?
Jon: Hmm… Well, among the main cast, second, behind Seth Rogen.

1. Seth Rogen
2. Charlie Hunnam
3. Jay Baruchel
4. Loudon Wainwright III
5. Carla Gallo
6. Timm Sharp
7. Monica Keena
8. Christina Payano

Jon: Among the extended cast, though… Umm… Fifth?

1. Seth Rogen
2. Kevin Hart
3. Amy Poehler
4. Jason Segel
5. Charlie Hunnam

Jon: Had he not dropped out of 50 Shades of Grey, he would be four and Segel five.

Get happy or get your ass out

on

Let's judge this book by its cover:

Hot or not?

Oh it was filmed in Thailand! And the victims are all lesbians!

Allie has to decide fast… stay in this human cesspool and track down the killer, or return home to Detroit.

She chooses the less disturbing and dangerous option.

Bangkok. She chooses to stay in Bangkok.

Obviously people abbreviate and use accepted shorthand when texting, but this is ridiculous. "Sry sum dork naybr" and "no wz awsum, seriosly" are some of the more legible examples.

And while I'm no connoisseur of sexy-time chat-rooms, I find it hard to believe mimes make a habit of hanging out in them. [source]

#OMGWTFDVD

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

49. Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" video morphing HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Terry loves kreplach." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "I had an airtight break-up plan in place. I made a reservation next Thursday at a well-lit Korean restaurant in Midtown. It's the least romantic place I could think of." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "Now I know how Salieri felt." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • [fires gun] "Shut up…" (The Walking Dead, S05E08)
  • "Cupcake-flavoured ice cream served on a waffle. Pizza tacos. Robot cake. Hot fudge car wash." (Bob's Burgers, S05E05)
  • "There's no such thing as an innocent fart anymore." (Getting On, S02E04)


(Getting On, S02E04)

  • "I'm studying anogenital distances, gender flips, vaginal atrophy, I have been invited to participate in the Cochran study on anal augmentation for female fecal incontinence…" (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "We can no longer sweep female fecal incontinence under the rug." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "It was the harmless transmission of an errant vulva." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? In a purse. That's where."
    "Lena Dunham… [pause] I don't know… I–" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "What's your favourite thing about America?"
    "Kentucky women."
    "Favourite part of The Rock?"
    "'Welcome to the Rock.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "Now she works whenever she wants. It's a scam called 'consulting.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • Drink every time Chibs or Tig receives a phone call and informs Jax what his next scene is (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Go home, Wayne."
    "I can't do that. This is all I got left." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Leave."
    [grabs leaves] (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "There is not an Esther Choi on Earth who needs math tutoring." (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "You race card, sir."
    "Ah, my African-American Express." (Black-ish, S01E09)
  • "Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "All I do is rip off Missy." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "Death would be preferable to Tampa." (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • It's matricide week on FX (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • "I'm not going back to Instagram." (Babylon, S01E04)
  • 2Pac's "California Love" HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "I'm using Asian condiments to loosen these cuffs." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "What do you think Drag-On is up to now?" (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)


(The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)

  • "Some garbage is OK." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "His first name is a crime. Please welcome Rob Corddry." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "813.54."
    "You still remember my Dewey Decimal number."
    "Zero."
    "You still remember the amount of times I've had sex." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "I have a thyroid issue, like my father before me." (Saturday Night Live, S40E08)

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Portland, OR

on

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I trekked out to a bakery in northeast Portland, and it had closed early so that the staff could go apple picking, because of course.

October 2014

nong's khao man gai / pacific pie company / salt and straw / le pigeon / cool moon ice cream / lardo sandwiches / lauretta jean's / bunk sandwiches / veritable quandary / ox / blue star donuts / the people's pig / i heart this cart

Gold Stars


Five Chilled Seafood Preparations (Ox)
oregon bay shrimp ceviche, dungeness crab cocktail, octopus poke, scallop salad "dynamite," salmon gravlax tartare

Roasted Brussels Sprouts (Ox)
"everything" bagel seasoning, chive mascarpone, smoked salmon roe
—Deli-cious.


Avocado and Cantaloupe (Le Pigeon)
fluke, saffron, ginger, chilies

Chicken and Oxtail (Le Pigeon)
semolina gnocchi, taleggio, green beans, tomato crema


Foie Gras Profiterole[s] (Le Pigeon)
caramel sauce, sea salt

Apple Sour Cream Streusel Pie (Pacific Pie Company)


Khao Man Gai [Chicken and Rice] (Nong's Khao Man Gai)

I saw Nong on Chopped and sought out her food cart. Served in butcher paper, her khao man gai puts Hainanese chicken rice to shame.

I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit.

Chocolate Bourbon Hazelnut Pie (Pacific Pie Company)

Looks like a chocolate pecan pie, tastes like a Ferrero Rocher. I dug it.

Passion Fruit and Cocoa Nib Donut (Blue Star Donuts)
Blueberry Bourbon Basil Donut (Blue Star Donuts)


Foie Gras Terrine (Ox)
pear prosciutto, pickled chanterelles, malted white chocolate, salted pear reduction, croutons

Foie gras and malted white chocolate? I had to try it.

It confirmed my distaste for creamy foie gras. Seared foie gras? Delicious. Creamy foie gras? NOPE.

Pigeon Noodles (Le Pigeon)
parmesan, black pepper, strawberry, turnip
—Not noodles made of pigeon, just a pasta dish. Wish it was better.


[Dracula's] Blood Pudding Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)

It tasted like spumoni.

Salt Cod Sandwich (Bunk)
olympic provisions spanish chorizo, oil cured olives, italian parsley

I'm done with salt cod. Its intriguing name tricks you into ordering a bland and texturally off-putting fish. Won't get fooled again.

Pork Belly Gyro (Lardo)
feta, cucumber, tzatziki, tomato, aardvark sauce

Dirty Fries (Lardo)
pork scraps, marinated peppers, fried herbs, parmesan

Missed Connections


Fried Chicken Donut (Blue Star Donuts)
a glazed doughnut topped with a fried chicken breast chunks tossed with honey butter, with a packet of frank's red hot

[sigh] They sold out just as I walked in.


Clam Chowder (Ox)
smoked marrow bone, green onion, jalapeño

Duck Confit Spring Rolls (Veritable Quandary)
wasabi ginger sauce

Chinese Sausage Corn Dog (Expatriate)
hot mustard, xxx death sauce

Hot and Sour Indian Spiced Fries (Expatriate)
cilantro-raita aioli, house curry ketchup, sumac ranch

Expatriate Nacho[s] (Expatriate)
fried wonton chips, thai chili cheese sauce, spicy lemongrass beef, crema, kaffir lime, tomato salsa, herbs

PB and J Fries (Potato Champion)
fries topped with satay sauce and a smokey chipotle raspberry jam

#eatersdigest

ASBO and Proud

on

The Wolfpack / U.S.A. (Director: Crystal Moselle) — Six bright teenage brothers have spent their entire lives locked away from society in a Manhattan housing project. All they know of the outside is gleaned from the movies they watch obsessively (and recreate meticulously). Yet as adolescence looms, they dream of escape, ever more urgently, into the beckoning world.

[pause]

THIS IS A DOCUMENTARY?!?!

#Dogtooth

Bonded by the extreme circumstances of their childhood — never allowed to leave their tiny family apartment, never allowed to cut their hair, never introduced to the Internet, and almost no contact with the outside world — they became near-mythical characters.

Through their television — loaded with a library of Scorsese and Tarantino — the boys found their biggest moral compass.

Dressed like Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, the over-caffeinated brothers, ranging in age from 13 to 20, eventually display the psychological repercussions of constant reclusion. This culminates in one brother's escape from the family apartment while donning the mask of Halloween's Michael Myers, which results in his admission to a mental hospital. [source]

Welp, looks like I have a most anticipated film of 2015.