Blame it on the Tetons

on

Goat Simulator is a video game in which the player controls a goat. There does not appear to be any kind of storyline or plot. The player is free to explore the game's world as a goat, destroying things in the environment, running, jumping, and licking.

"Goat Simulator is like an old school skating game, except instead of being a skater, you're a goat, and instead of doing tricks, you wreck stuff," explained the game's creators. [source]

Oh, and it features a goat Iron Throne.

Sitting on the Infernal Throne turns the goat into King of the Goats and gives him the ability to "summon peasants" which makes goats rain from the skies.

Fire consumes all. Water cleanses.

on

[flips through local alt-weekly]

Events calendar. Cello Joe?

Cello Joe
Cello Joe is a dude in flip flops and a fedora, with a mic, a loop pedal and, of course, a cello. He combines these three instruments to make some pretty weird music-think hip-hop cello with hippy-dippy lyrics about the harmfulness of materialism, luxury cars and television. [source]

Huh.

Wait, could this be… Is this Joey Chang?

[googles "cello joe"]

Yup, it's him.

Joey was two years ahead of me in K-12, and, as a cellist myself, I orbited his notoriety. Last I heard, he spent his days post-high school playing a cello on the sidewalks of downtown Palo Alto.

"What is he doing with his life?" I wondered.

Odd family, the Changs. Asian father, white mother. Square older brother guest-lectured in my eighth grade science class. Younger sister ran away to Seattle with a Mexican dude during high school.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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13. Bike messenger Spyke gets a car (Portlandia, S04E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Beefer Sutherland" (Bob's Burgers, S04E14)
  • "A nice thick layer of chocolate squares make up the base, couple of handfuls of crushed pretzels, top it all off with marshmallows, and voilà! Teddy Brûlée." (Bob's Burgers, S04E14)
  • "Oh that jet is right on my back. Ohh, that's a lumbar paradise." (Bob's Burgers, S04E14)
  • "This is an erection-free bus." (Total Divas, S02E02)
  • RT: "why doesn't anybody on the walking dead ride a goddamn bike?" (The Walking Dead, S04E15)
  • Glenn and Maggie – Desmond and Penny they ain't (The Walking Dead, S04E15)
  • Carl Grimes: Post-Apocalyptic Litterer (The Walking Dead, S04E15)
  • Robert Hooke is The Penguin? Gru? (Cosmos, S01E03)
  • The History of Fish (Cosmos, S01E03)
  • "Sweetie, let mommy do her drug dealing." (Shameless, S04E10)
  • "Are you robbing me with my own fuckin' gun?" (Shameless, S04E10)
  • "Hannah, you got into Iowa. You fucking go." (Girls, S03E12)
  • Girls Season Grade: C+
  • Christian Slater (Archer, S05E09)
  • "You are a timid man, Cyril."
    "What? No, I'm not."
    "Dude, your balls are made of pussy." (Archer, S05E09)
  • "If we did sleep together, you'd remember." (Bates Motel, S02E04)
  • "Some voids can't be filled with Jamba Juice." (Rick and Morty, S01E09)
  • "Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded."
    "Ooh. Oh boy, Rick. I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know."
    "Uhh, Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded."
    "Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing."
    "Well, that's retarded." (Rick and Morty, S01E09)


(WWE Raw, 03-24-14)


(From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E03)

  • "I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night."
    "Oh dear Lord… 'I miss the way that your hands smell'? Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?" (New Girl, S03E20)
  • "I always thought I'd move back to Portland."
    "Oh. Portland, Earth?"
    "It's like friendly San Francisco." (New Girl, S03E20)
  • "The name of my first-born child has to be Reginald VelJohnson." (New Girl, S03E20)
  • Nick likes Circa Survive (New Girl, S03E20)
  • "You can't handle the me!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E22)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: B
  • "Could I just quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice. I should just point out, though, that our Pharoah's Fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our Nubian lives off-site." (Modern Family, S05E18)
  • "I'm a shaving butler up on Plus." (Modern Family, S05E18)
  • "That's probably the Cuban I ordered for you." (Modern Family, S05E18)
  • "If I'm not Bowser, I'm definitely freakin' Wario. I'm no bitch ass Toad."
    "I'm not even in the same game as you bitches. I'm in Diddy Kong Racing, baby."
    "Wait a second. If we're changing games, I'm Pierce Brosnan in 007." (Workaholics, S04E10)
  • RT: "I was kind of surprised they went there with the sound. I can't really recall another scene in a TV drama where a character shits, but it's played naturally, without comedy. So kudos to the foley person for their shit work." (The Americans, S02E05)
  • RT: "Philip doesn't believe in double wiping." (The Americans, S02E05)


Arnold Schwarzenegger does the stanky legg (106 and Park, 03-27-14)

  • "My earlier attempt to live as Batman was halfhearted jest, the stuff of Schumacher." (Review, S01E04)
  • "Being Batman: four stars." (Review, S01E04)
  • "This car is the default setting."
    "It's like it was designed while someone was sleeping or something."
    "And then one guy was like, 'We should put some wipers on the headlights.' That guy got fired." (Portlandia, S04E05)
  • "Clapton probably just signs guitars specifically for memorabilia cafés." (Portlandia, S04E05)
  • "Take that poison, boy!" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E05)
  • "Oldest trick in the diaper book." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E05)
  • "Mobin couldn't hack it." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E05)
  • "We're insulting you in semaphore." (Enlisted, S01E09)


Keith David in a milk bath (Enlisted, S01E09)

  • "We evolved the ability to communicate disappointment to teach those around us good manners." (Hannibal, S02E05)
  • Hitler 'stache dissolve (Hannibal, S02E05)
  • "You're a nurse at the hospital. You're setting a new standard of care." (Hannibal, S02E05)

#clipoftheweek

Looking forward…

We will light our way with our lanterns on

on

What other big name features can we expect on your upcoming album besides Wiz Khalifa?
I've spoken already with Juvenile. I'm in talks right now with DMX and MGK. I spoke a little bit with E-40. I already got John Cena on two tracks.

Oh no…

"Untitled Billy Corgan Wrestling Project"

Smashing Pumpkins lead singer Billy Corgan pulls back the curtains on the pro-wrestling world as he takes over creative direction for the independent wrestling company Resistance Pro.

Oh brother…


WWE pulls back the curtains.

There's a house built out in space

on

At an extended family dinner: "My sister's children's favourite restaurant is The Village Pub."

Me, in my head: [spit-take] Your sister's children's favourite place to eat is a Michelin-starred $$$$ restaurant?

"They love the pasta."

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Meanwhile:

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I don't think [B] trusts me with her kids, never mind that I pick them up from school, like, every other day.

Jon: M, let's go.
Classmate: Are you M's father?
Jon: Heh. No. My son lives in Japan and is in junior high.

S: I'm hungry!
Jon: Okay… What do you want to eat?
S: Ice cream!
Jon: Ice cream. Ah. What flavour? Chocolate? Strawberry?
S: Salted caramel!
Jon: [pause]

Jon: What are you doing?
M: Making an RPG with my friend.
Jon: Via Google Drive?

Jon: B, how did you find this school where first-graders use Google Drive and third-graders analyze scenes from Gravity in class?

Lakini's Juice

on

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN…

Cracker is still together?

"Woo-hoo! Outkast said yes! How much money does that leave us for the undercard?"
"Erm…"

Rory: Countyfairchella.

Jon: Heh. Now I want to listen to "Hook."

Jon: [air harmonica] Suck it in suck it in suck it in if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn…
Rory: [pause]

Jon: Remember when Weezer toured playing their "Blue Album" and Pinkerton in full on consecutive nights? Third Eye Blind should do that with their self-titled debut and Blue.
Rory: Josh Karlin-Resnick would like that.

Jon: According to Wikipedia, Ed Kowalczyk didn't leave Live until 2009 — 2009!
Jon: Also: Live is still together!

Jon: Huh. Fairweather Johnson isn't on Spotify.

Jon: Remember when Hootie appeared on Letterman, like, every month?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

12. Infinite television from infinite universes (Rick and Morty, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Evolution of the eye (Cosmos, S01E02)
  • Raylan vs. Danny Crowe (Justified, S05E10)
  • Morninghead pitch (Shark Tank, S05E21)
  • Lobotomy (Hannibal, S02E04)

Stray Observations

  • "Does it really mean that much to you?"
    "Yes! Look at my face!"
    "Ahhh! One luftballoon!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "It's like the end of The Shining in here." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "The hand wants what the hand wants." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "Don't stop. I can still cum if you're crying." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "Tell your boss you're going home sick tonight."
    "Sick?"
    "Yeah, whatever. Tell him you got AIDS." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • How can Fiona afford an iPhone? (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "I got a girlfriend."
    "Maybe I should do yours like you did mine."
    "Okay, but only in the ass, alright? She saving herself." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, pecans, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E14)
  • CM Punk Phil Brooks crying (Talking Dead, 03-16-14)
  • "I hate watching television because all the old women are shells, and it just hurts to be a shell." (Girls, S03E11)
  • The best the creator of NewsRadio can do is write for this show? (Girls, S03E11)
  • Nanaimo bar perogies (MasterChef Canada, S01E09)


What the fuck kind of Chinese food is that? (Top Chef Canada, S04E02)


(WWE Raw, 03-17-14)

  • "Come on, Cyril. Pick one. Either have a stroke or spit it out." (Archer, S05E08)
  • "There's always a reason to make out." (Bates Motel, S02E03)
  • "Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
  • "Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
  • Wilmer Valderrama: Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • "Souls are like popsicles. Some are sweet, some are bitter, some are strong, some are weak. What flavour are you, Kyle?"
    […]
    "Cherry lime." (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • Wilmer Valderrama: Shapeshifting Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • "The toilet paper is triple-ply."
    "Turns anyone's bottom into a VIP." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
  • "Terry believes in having a clear topic sentence." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
  • "AID tickles." (Workaholics, S04E09)
  • "Let's eat later tomorrow."
    "What?"
    "We ate dinner early tonight. You don't want to say grace as much when you're hungry."
    "Would you stop being so reasonable?" (The Americans, S02E04)
  • "You know where he was for most of my birthdays? A little place that rhymes with 'not there.'"
    "Times Square?" (Community, S05E10)


(Community, S05E10)

  • "I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call. What do you think should be higher priority: Infinity scarves, or whether or not it's worth it for me to get Showtime?" (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
  • "There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins." (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
  • "A bass is a gateway instrument." (Portlandia, S04E04)
  • "Creamed horse meat. It's horse meat in horse yogurt." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E04)
  • Human apiary (Hannibal, S02E04)
  • Eyeless and alive (Hannibal, S02E04)
  • Beverly is dead. She was supposed to die in the first season (Hannibal, S02E04)

#clipoftheweek