Adam Riff™

4. "If You Were A Black Guy" (The Midnight Beast, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

• Mr. Meeseeks try to take two strokes off Jerry's golf game (Rick and Morty, S01E05)
• Bake-off (New Girl, S03E13)
• Boyd shows off his tattoos (Justified, S05E03)
• The new chard stand (Parks and Recreation, S06E12)
• Billy Joel (The Greatest Event in Television History, E04)
• Inside SoCal (Saturday Night Live, S39E12)

Stray Observations

• Music: "You Better Run" – Dr. C.J. Johnson (True Detective, S01E02)
• "The hubris it must take to yank a soul out of non-existence into this…meat, and to force a life into this…thresher. Yeah, so my daughter, she, uh…she spared me the sin of being a father." (True Detective, S01E02)
• "Back then, the visions, most of the time, I was convinced that I'd lost it. But there were other times, I thought I was mainlining the secret truth of the universe." (True Detective, S01E02)
• Three cast members of Greek (Shameless, S04E02)
• "My father only screwed a Mexican whore while he was with my mom, and they can't get pregnant." (Shameless, S04E02)
• "You're a freshman."
  "Yeah, but I fuck like a sophomore." (Shameless, S04E02)
• "She wants me to abort my baby!"
  "Over my dead sperm…" (Shameless, S04E02)

Gaby Hoffman's bush (Girls, S03E03)

• I dig the naturalistic tone (Looking, S01E01)
• "Really? A winking smiley face?"
  "What's wrong with that?"
  "What are you, a Japanese teenager?"
  "I– What?!"
  "Look, I was a Japanese teenager. I didn't even use a winking smiley face." (Looking, S01E01)
• "With Asian parents, you have three options: doctor, engineer, or get beaten." (MasterChef Canada, S01E01)
• Brock Lesnar trips over monitor, hurls it into ring (WWE Raw, 01-20-14)
• "Zombie George Washington?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
• "Remarkable stitching. An old flame of mine was a seamstress. She'd be most impressed."
  "Who'd you date? Betsy Ross?"
  "…How did you know that?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
• Alien John Cho (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
• "Prophecies have a nasty way of fulfilling themselves, if you let them." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
• "Does an alderman have an unwarranted self-regard?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
• "You and I will choose our own destiny. We have free will. I choose to forge my fate with you." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
• "So does this mean we can finally give away that ratty coat?"
  "Please… And risk it be worn ironically by purveyors of artisanal marmalade who discovered it at a local thrift shop? I thank you, no. For judge a man not by the wear of what he wears, but by the where and how he wears it." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E13)
• Diagetic piano gag (Sleepy Hollow, S01E13)
• Sleepy Hollow Season Grade: B+

Pam eating a cocaine cast (Archer, S05E02)

• "She's all…coke-strong." (Archer, S05E02)
• "Oh my God, Lana, Lana, you know what I could totally go for right now?"
  "Some cocaine?" (Archer, S05E02)
• "Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer." (Rick and Morty, S01E05)
• "That's my new thing. I'm kinda like, what's his name, Arsenio." (Rick and Morty, S01E05)
• "DiversWithTitsEatingShit.org." (Chozen, S01E02)
• Skin-colour-matching KKK hoods/robes (Chozen, S01E02)
• "I'll be your rock – the Dwayne Johnson kind." (Chozen, S01E02)
• "This is a classy tipi!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E14)
• "Do you know any, like, time-consuming and free activities in Griffith Park?"
  "Gross! …Suicide?" (New Girl, S03E13)
• "Sure you know how to tap a keg?"
  "How hard could it be? It's beer, for crying out loud. It's the drink of idiots." (New Girl, S03E13)
• "A lot of people never graduated high school – Einstein, Bill Gates, Anne Frank… I'm gonna take back that last one." (New Girl, S03E13)
• "Pussy is a powerful thing." (Justified, S05E03)
• "Does this restaurant have blow jobs on the menu?" (Justified, S05E03)
• "DJ Ango is…chained." (Workaholics, S04E01)
• "I'm coven guard dog." – cringe! (American Horror Story, S03E12)
• Nigella Lawson is a terrible judge of talent (The Taste, S02E04)
• "Look, chard is disgusting. You try selling it without sexy dancers. It's impossible. It's like, 'Hey, you like lettuce? Try this, it's worse.' It tastes like kale took a dump on spinach."
  "I like to think of it as celery with B.O." (Parks and Recreation, S06E12)
• "This is an excellent rectangle!" (Parks and Recreation, S06E12)
• "It wasn't marijuana. It was heirloom tomatoes. [to the tomatoes] I'll see you at tonight's arrabbiata." (Enlisted, S01E03)
• "Have a seat, buddy. Wait, stand."
  "I'll split the difference." (Enlisted, S01E03)
• "Shot break! […] Ha! Nobody expects gin!" (Enlisted, S01E03)
• "We're like a yogurt commercial." (Enlisted, S01E03)
• "Jeffrey has a tummy ache!" (Saturday Night Live, S39E12)
• "Great gash mileage." (Saturday Night Live, S39E12)

#clipoftheweek

3. He Shall Overcome (WWE Raw, 11-13-14)

Rosenberg: "What a moment!!!! Is Daniel Bryan the most over wrestler since stone cold?!"

Stroud: "I'm not sure I could've liked five minutes of a Raw more."

Honourable Mention

• Archer Vice (Archer, S05E01)
• Axeman massacre (American Horror Story, S03E11)
• Randy recites the plot of Toy Story 3 (Enlisted, S01E02)

Stray Observations

• "Don't appall me when I'm high." (Sherlock, S03E03)
• "Pressure Point: Marijuana." (Sherlock, S03E03)
• "The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege." (Sherlock, S03E03)
• "Assist me assist you." (Bob's Burgers, S04E10)
• "P.S. I farted on the meat!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E10)
• "Past a certain age, a man without a family can be a bad thing." (True Detective, S01E01)
• "Can I ask you something? You're a Christian, yeah?"
  "No."
  "Well, what do you got the cross for in your apartment?"
  "That's a form of meditation."
  "How's that?"
  "I contemplate the moment in the garden – the idea of allowing your own crucifixion."
  "But you're not a Christian, so what do you believe?"
  "I consider myself a realist, but in philosophical terms, I'm what's called a pessimist. I think human consciousness was a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labour under the illusion of having a self – a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody. I think the honourable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal."
  "So, what's the point of getting out of bed in the morning?"
  "I tell myself I bear witness, but the real answer is that it's obviously my programming, and I lack the constitution for suicide." (True Detective, S01E01)
• "I don't sleep. I just dream." (True Detective, S01E01)
• Justin Chatwin is no longer listed in the opening credits (Shameless, S04E01)
• "Mike your real name? Ever steal a car?" (Shameless, S04E01)
• Two cast members of Greek (Shameless, S04E01)
• Frank butt-chugging Franzia (Shameless, S04E01)
• Adam's reactions to Shoshanna (Girls, S03E01/S03E02)
• "So, what, we form a cartel?"
  "Well, how hard could it be? I mean, if Mexicans can do it…" (Archer, S05E01)
• "I will give you a Salisbury steak." (Chozen, S01E01)
• Butthole saxophone Sanford and Son theme (Chozen, S01E01)
• "Looks like you just got into a fist fight at a bukkake party and the dicks won." (Chozen, S01E01)
• "They got the jenkem running through their bloodstream." (Chozen, S01E01)
• Audio: "punk-o" / Closed captioning: "punk cunt" (Chozen, S01E01)
• "I'm gonna have to turn off the tap."
  "What tap?"
  "The sex tap."
  "But I need my vitamin D…" (New Girl, S03E12)
• Audio: "brotha" / Closed captioning: "nigga" (Justified, S05E02)
• "Dewey Crowe's whorehouse ain't gonna have no fatties running around." (Justified, S05E02)
• "And so it is with great sadness we must say goodbye to Nan…who fell in the tub." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
• "Diet Sprite." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
• "That ain't magic. It's an antihistamine." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
• "Well, turds on that." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
• "Troy and Abed are in mourning." (Community, S05E04)
• "You think I'm gonna sit here and listen to you sing the praises of strawberry filling when we both know you've been a banana man since mom baked you that monkey cake on your eighth birthday?" (Enlisted, S01E02)
• Parker Young crying ≥ Donald Glover crying (Enlisted, S01E02)

• Which State Is Your State's Enemy?

#clipoftheweek