Our lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life

on

Rory: What is the big Thanksgiving film release this year?
Jon: Uhh… [consults Wikipedia] Heh. Oldboy.

Jon: Technically, it is a family film.

Jon: Homefront opens on Thanksgiving Eve too.
Rory: I just saw a preview for it. Jason Statham versus James Franco and Winona Ryder in the deep South? Fever dream.
Jon: I like how Jason Statham doesn't even try to do an American accent.

To explain this, the filmmakers have [Statham's character] starting with the DEA as a British Interpol agent. [source]

Jon: You know, I don't think I've ever heard Jason Statham do an American accent.
Rory: In Parker, he does a hilarious Texas accent.
Jon: [consults YouTube] Jennifer Lopez is in Parker?!

Jon: French-dubbed Jason Statham sounds remarkably like Jason Statham.

Comedy Sketch Idea: Jason Statham auditions for Saturday Night Live.

Game Idea: Six Degrees of Jason Statham.

Stone Cold Steve Austin is in The Expendables with Jason Statham.

The Rock is in Fast and Furious 6/7 with Jason Statham.

Triple H is in Blade: Trinity with Wesley Snipes, who is in The Expendables 3 with Jason Statham.

Mick Foley is in Anamorph with Willem Dafoe, who is in xXx: State of the Union with Ice Cube, who is in Ghosts of Mars with Jason Statham.

The Big Show is in Jingle All the Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is in The Expendables 1/2/3 with Jason Statham.

I can tie at least 50 wrestlers to Jason Statham – easy.

Rory: On this poster for Homefront, why is an American flag superimposed on his shirt? He's just protecting his daughter from meth-heads. It's not Red Dawn.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

44. James Van Der Beek Interview (The Eric Andre Show, S02E05)

A "Television Episode of the Year" nominee.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "We'll get the crooks, then we'll find the law." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E08)
  • "Don't let your life get out of hand." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E08)
  • "Water: Mother Nature's piss." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • The running 'Tim Heidecker wears Wake Forest gear' gag (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Rick, Ross, Rick, Ross." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "A therapist? Some motherfucker with a little flute? Makes a fucking cobra come out of a basket." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Enjoy new things for the very first time in your lives." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Question. Yes. Ja Rule." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • Cat Cora – ha! (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "It's TNT. The 'T' is for taters. 'N' is for and. And the final 'T'…tits. Taters 'N' Tits." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "How did Leonardo DiCaprio figure out about gravity?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Yeah, my chin is shitty." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)


(Eastbound and Down, S04E05)

  • "No diggity, no doubt, like to bang it up." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "I'm loving how you sexualized the food. This is perfect for a shopping mall." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Instead of bacon bits, bacon tits." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Plenty of pussy and cash for nasty old Scottie Pippen." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "We are infinite!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Finest bottle of white zinfandel, please." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Do you have a special relationship with monkeys?"
    "Well, you know I got people in Atlanta." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "The demands of others oftentimes conflict with the demands of living an exceptional life. Could Schwarzenegger have ascended to the top of both film and politics if he had actually given a fuck about his family?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Isn't this DJ fantastic? He's from very near Vegas." (Hello Ladies, S01E05)
  • "So many feelings!" (China, IL, S02E06)
  • "Superheroes are brightly-coloured people who whoosh around and sound like throat cancer." (China, IL, S02E06)


(China, IL, S02E06)

  • "It's the masseuse!" (China, IL, S02E06)
  • "Grandma is dead." (Sons of Anarchy, S06E08)
  • "Canadian puberty. When you fart, your dick gets hard." (South Park, S17E05)
  • "Come on, bro. Kick the fuckin' baby. Let's see you try, wuss." (South Park, S17E05)
  • "I should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefy sauce." (South Park, S17E05)
  • "Strange Tamer." (South Park, S17E05)


(South Park, S17E05)


(American Horror Story, S03E04)

  • "Madison Montgomery is a stone-cold bitch who loves hard drinking, big dicks, and trouble. If she's dead, it's probably because she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a handjob or something." (American Horror Story, S03E04)
  • Dennis using an Australian accent (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E09)
  • "It gets straighter." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E09)
  • Dee stripper disrobing cut (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E09)
  • "This is not a legal document."
    "Oh, it's 100% legal. It's on legal paper." (The League, S05E09)
  • "You own Apple stock?"
    "Yeah. I also bought beef stock, I bought chicken stock, and when the apocalypse happens, guess who they're gonna have to come to for those sweet sweet little cubes? I'm gonna be a bouillonaire." (The League, S05E09)
  • "Why would Kevin be in this building?"
    "Isn't this the lawyer building?" (The League, S05E09)
  • "I'm not in seventh grade. I don't kidnap people anymore." (The League, S05E09)
  • "Somebody call 9/11. Now." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories: Haunted House, 10-31-13)
  • "My name's John Heard. I'm an actor."
    "I thought… I thought that was you." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, 10-31-13)
  • "This is the Casey Anthony. It tastes like a party, but something's missing."
    "I'm sorry. These cookie names are terrible."
    "That's the AIDSadoodles." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E13)
  • "Go for the diarrhea one." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E13)
  • Audacious cold open (Saturday Night Live, S39E05)
  • "His cloud is full of butts." (Saturday Night Live, S39E05)

#clipoftheweek

Don't I look like I'm Irv Gotti

on

Theo Epstein, Tom Ricketts, you have two years pull off the most legendary championship win of all time.

At the gym today, this popped into my head:

If I was 17 right now, I would pursue a career in optometry, because everyone's gonna have vision problems in the future.

Of all possible innovations, I want, more than anything, a system so that every time you charge something to a debit or credit card, a digital copy of the receipt is automatically created and stored in the cloud for future accounting purposes. No more missing receipts – or scanning. Convert receipts into spreadsheet data with one click.

Idea: The Fast and the Futurists. Toretto's crew vs. Skynet.

Review: Tom-Yum-Goong 2

on

RZA leads a small army of martial-arts warriors, each with a number tattoo to indicate how good they are. Among them are the lethally brutal Number 2 (Crump) and the fierce Twenty (Rhatha), whose tattoo is spelled out across her cleavage.

Kham (Jaa) is pursued by RZA's gang of toughs, and is eventually captured and branded as No 1.

One fun bit has Jaa and Crump fighting on an electrified railway line. In a move that defies the laws of physics, they both dip their feet in water and stand on the rails shocking each other. As their fists swing they make the same sounds as lightsabers from Star Wars.

Haven't you sucked my marrow enough?

on

Previously on Adam Riff™: Nike vs. Spencer Gifts

I saw a Nike message shirt that read "MAKE ¢ENTS."

I assume that message is related to Penny Hardaway, because otherwise, it's not very aspirational. "BE HOMELESS." Penny penny coin y'all.

Asians make cents for making "MAKE ¢ENTS." shirts.


So. Tempted.

To be fair, Green Ranger, I wouldn't tap either if I knew I shared DNA with God.

104 Floors of Compromise

on

Pumpkin-flavoured Snickers?

[inspects wrapper]

Oh. No. Pumpkin-SHAPED Snickers.

Pumpkin-shaped Snickers?! Is a gimmick really necessary to sell Snickers during Halloween time?

Jram: Mars also produces egg-shaped Snickers for Easter.

Jon: Heh. Snickers Coal.

"What did you get for Christmas?"
"[sigh] Snickers."

[pause]

Jram: Pumpkin-flavoured puffs, though?
Jon: They're more sensical than cheese puffs shaped like pumpkins!

Jon: Candy-cane-shaped Shrimp Flavoured Chips.
Jon: Combos with terse romantic messages printed on them.


So is this like mint Nutella or mint Reese's? Because…minty peanut butter?


Colombians, amirite?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

43. Precious masturbates to a minotaur (American Horror Story, S03E03)

Honourable Mention

  • Trail of Pigs (The Walking Dead, S04E02)
  • Madame LaLaurie reacts to Obama (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • Sideline Interview (Key and Peele, S03E06)
  • Ranch It Up! (The Eric Andre Show, S02E04)
  • Road Trip (The Birthday Boys, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "Because of my martial arts training, my muscles are attuned to excel at oriental activities." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "The dick wants to be a hunk." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "That's some Amores Perros right there, motherfucker." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Why are you taking me onto the set of City of God, man?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Everyone loves poor black kids – Diff'rent Strokes, Dangerous Minds, Urkel… White guilt, man. Get with the program."
    "No, I know. Box office returns on Blind Side were huge." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Polyester pleats? You fuckin' jackass!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "I need your linguistics to be on point. Talk about finances. Talk about ancient affairs. Industrialism. I need you to be the fuckin' Bill O'Reilly with tits in there." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "The bell is for symbolisms." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Kemosabe, you're showing brain." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Breast cancer…for teens." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Fuckin' George Washington didn't do shit. He can suck my fuckin' dick. I fuckin' hate that faggot." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Mortals falter. Kings act. And the mortal who acts… Well, that motherfucker becomes king." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)


(Eastbound and Down, S04E04)

  • "I'm inspired a lot by the fashions of Adrien Brody." (Hello Ladies, S01E04)
  • "When does a gay man become a faggot? When he leaves the room." (Hello Ladies, S01E04)
  • "How did we end up in this bed together like dick-touching Jonas brothers?" (China, IL, S02E05)
  • "Take your face back to Mordor." (China, IL, S02E05)
  • "You find this surprising?! She was fucking a roach." (China, IL, S02E05)


Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer (Mom, S01E05)

  • "Let me guess. You are…dumpy Chuck Norris."
    "No, I'm–"
    "Dumpy Ron Weasley."
    "No!"
    "You guys, stop it. He put thought into his costume, and he is obviously Miranda from Sex and the City."
    "Guys, I'm Mario Batali! Molto Mario? Celebrity chef? Ginger prince of Little Italy?"
    "Is he also a homeless troll doll? 'Cause you look like a homeless troll doll."
    […]
    "Eric Stoltz from Mask."
    "I'll take it."
    […]
    "We need two undercovers at the DeKalb Street warehouse party. Boyle, you're already in costume as, uh, Joy Behar?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E06)
  • "Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star of his favorite movie, Batman, but not the confusing new one, the good one, with Michael Keaton." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • Slow-loading image of half-naked woman in flashback (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "I guess I'll just always be the fat boy who eats fat boy cheese." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • Winston as David Letterman (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "Hey, Winston, by the way, great costume. Maya Angelou." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "That is Michael Keaton. Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago?"
    "If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "keatonpotatoes@aol.com." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "You don't need Keaton. You got me."
    [shudders] "What was that?"
    "I'm so sorry…"
    "Why would you say something like that?! The end of a high school football movie?" (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "My family… We judge and we hate, and when we have scorched every earth and we're all used up, we die – miserably." (Sons of Anarchy, S06E07)
  • Tara! (Sons of Anarchy, S06E07)
  • Joshua James – "Crash This Train (Acoustic)" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E07)
  • "I've got the power to fuck powers out of people. Now I've got a chance to use my cock for good." (Misfits, S05E01)
  • "I was shagging the devil out of you." (Misfits, S05E01)
  • RT: "There are a lot of things I'm not enjoying about MODERN FAMILY, but Lily suddenly being able to do comedy almost makes up for them." (Modern Family, S05E06)
  • The episode seems like an excuse to play "Seven" by Sunny Day Real Estate on television (South Park, S17E04)


(American Horror Story, S03E03)

  • RT: "AHS is wrong. Semen can't boil. It has no boiling point bcuz the protein in it would cause it to solidify when heated." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "Dr. Phil says that kids from broken homes use food to replace love. It's comforting."
    "Well, I think you best look for a new physician." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "Get back to work before I smack you, slave." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "Slave, wait!" (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "This coven doesn't need another Supreme. It needs a new rug." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • Pacific Rim reunion (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E08)
  • "The good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E08)
  • "At long last, the day has come. We have the means, the understanding, the technology…to allow spiders to talk with cats!!!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E08)
  • "No lipstick."
    "Nothing happening."
    "Not even a pig in a blanket." (The League, S05E08)
  • "I am not a wine cooler. At the very least, I am a top-shelf box wine." (The League, S05E08)
  • "I don't want to go to dehab! I'm reading The Corrections. I have to finish it! I don't know how it ends!" (The League, S05E08)


(The League, S05E08)

  • "Statutory rape!" (The Eric Andre Show, S02E04)
  • "Don't be mulatto right now, dude." (The Eric Andre Show, S02E04)

#clipoftheweek