Chinese food takes away my stress

on

Where I saw the last 10 Academy Award winners for Best Picture:

Argo
At the AMC Star Fairlane 21 in Dearborn, MI with Mike. I remember being flustered when Mike sat down one seat away from me – first and only time I've been buffer-zoned.

The Artist
At the Embarcadero Centre Cinema in San Francisco, CA.

The King's Speech
At CinéArts in Palo Alto, CA on Thanksgiving Eve, after half-day at a temp job selling gift cards for Black Angus Steakhouse. I ate lunch at Chipotle beforehand.

The Hurt Locker
At the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival. Ryerson Theatre.

Slumdog Millionaire
Also at the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival, and also at Ryerson. In fact, I saw The Hurt Locker and Slumdog Millionaire on the same day, back to back.

No Country for Old Men
At the 2007 Toronto International Film Festival with Tushar, at, heh, Ryerson on a Monday morning at 9:00 a.m. Woke up at like 6:00 a.m. to drive in from Waterloo during rush hour.

The Departed
On my 24th birthday at the Goodrich Quality 16 in Ann Arbor, MI with Tony Fader and Jon Wilcox.

Crash
In Los Angeles, CA with Elizabeth. I can't remember which theatre. I want to say the Regent in Westwood, because I remember being amused to see the Regent and Westwood in Crash.

Million Dollar Baby
Never seen it.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Hmm…

[consults December 2003 in Adam Riff™'s archive]

Okay, I was in Los Angeles, so it was either at the Village, the Chinese, or the Cinerama Dome.

[consults Google]

Okay, it was the Cinerama Dome.

I don't remember seeing The Return of the King at all, and according to myself, I saw it twice.

Don't do drugs, kids.

Glossophobia

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Rory: Does Dick Stockton currently call the most pro sports? NFL, MLB, NBA.
Jon: Hmm… Mike Tirico calls three too – NFL, NBA, and golf, if you count golf.
Jon: And if you count golf, then I think Jim Nantz currently calls the most pro sports championships – the Final Four, the Masters, the PGA Championship, and triennially, the Super Bowl.

Jon: Okay, most unique active rotation?
Rory: Chris Fowler – college football and tennis.
Jon: He doesn't call college football, though.
Rory: Oh! Gus Johnson – football and fútbol.

Jon: Seems like no one calls NHL plus another pro sport.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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41. Kenny gets his groove back (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "The Cauliflower's Cuming From Inside The House Burger." (Bob's Burgers, S04E02)
  • "You don't have to be good, you just have to be fast."
    "Why can't all women want that?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E02)
  • "I'M NOT BOB FOSSE!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E02)
  • "The rage you feel, it's a gift. Use it, but don't let anyone see it." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • Frank! (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • Clayton! (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • Eddie! (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • "The days of Kenny Powers turning out lesbians are fuckin' behind him." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "Four Mexican kids is equal to two white kids." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "No slices for wife." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "If we do this, it's gonna take a ton of blood, sugar, sex, and magic." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "You love jazz? Name three key jazz musicians."
    [pause]
    "Miles Davis."
    "Number one, yup."
    "Lance Armstrong."
    "The trumpet player, Lance Armstrong?"
    "Yes."
    "Okay, and number three?"
    "…The Loneliest Monk." (Hello Ladies, S01E02)
  • "Yo! Chinese Precious!" (China, IL, S02E03)
  • "C'mon, guys. Don't be turds out of water." (China, IL, S02E03)
  • "You and Carabas are just like Dumbledore and Gandalf – first you wanna fight, but pretty soon, you're gonna wanna screw." (China, IL, S02E03)
  • "You invented the Boston Tea Party?"
    "At the time it was referred to as the Destruction of the Tea. You've coined a far more…festive name." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E04)
  • "And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team." (Bad Education, S02E06)


(Bad Education, S02E06)

  • "So, um, how often do you groom your cat?" (New Girl, S03E04)
  • "I really like the instrument of the cello." (New Girl, S03E04)
  • "No fear! Monday! Tuesday! Wednesday! Friday! Full wheel, bitches!" (New Girl, S03E04)
  • Abe Sapien just masturbated to Hellboy having sex (Sons of Anarchy, S06E05)
  • RT: "Throwing in exciting endings after boring me the whole episode? Congrats #SOA, you now operate on the same level as #TheWalkingDead." (Sons of Anarchy, S06E05)
  • "My mama lives down in the ninth ward."(American Horror Story, S03E01)
  • What a terribly niche witch power (American Horror Story, S03E01)
  • Gratuitous shot of Precious sneak-eating a drumstick (American Horror Story, S03E01)
  • Albert Nobbs – bwah! (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E06)
  • "Definitely not like a biiiiird." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E06)
  • Dee dies in three of the five fantasies (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E06)
  • "It's not Bowschwitz." (The League, S05E06)
  • Marshall Allman – eternally young (Filthy Sexy Teens, S01E01)


(The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)


(The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)


(The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)

  • Is that really Brian McKnight? He looks ollld (The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)
  • "Whip it like a man!" (MasterChef Junior, S01E03)
  • Aaand less than 24 hours later, Brian McKnight is back on television (Shark Tank, S05E04)

#clipoftheweek

Bitch got a dancing horse

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Previously on Adam Riff™:

A few more ideas:

» The amount of champagne available for a team to celebrate with depends on how many runs they scored against and how many batters they struck out on the team they just beat. One standard bottle for every strike-out, two standard bottles for every run scored, and a bonus Nebuchadnezzar bottle for every home run. So for a division-clinching game, less champagne, but for a championship series, the potential for torrential champagne.

» Power plays. Every time a pitcher walks a batter, someone on the fielding team must enter and sit inside a penalty box until the half-inning ends or a run is scored. So if a pitcher walks three consecutive batters, then the bases are loaded with, say, two outfielders and the shortstop boxed up – a 6-on-4 situation.

» August is Loan Month. Teams can borrow players from other teams to improve their record. Borrowed players just need to be returned by the end of the month.

I think Breast Cancer Awareness Month would be more effective if, instead of being aware that stuff is pink, you noticed women without breasts.

Instead of a pink wrestling ring rope or a pink first down line, replace backstage and sideline reporters with women who have had double mastectomies, and have them report topless. Look at what breast cancer wreaked. LOOK!

Strike a deal with PornHub so that, for the month of October, all the women in their videos are missing one or both breasts. "Want full-breasted porn back before November 1? Reach this donation goal."

What if the singer P!nk gets breast cancer?

At last Saturday's Ohio State vs. Northwestern football game, Wildcats fans chanted Fall Out Boy's "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)" à la "Seven Nation Army." A Chicagoland anomaly, or will Pete Wentz's legacy be a jock jam?

So far I have not found the science

on

Jon: Well?
B: I don't…
Jon: [sigh] I'm Biaggio from The Kings of Summer!
B: The kings of what?
Jon: Heh. I forget how insular the Internet is.

Jon: Machete or no machete?

[…]

B: Uhh… A UC Irvine student? Jon, I have kids.
Jon: I'm P-Hound from Arrested Development! I know he's not obscure to you!
B: Oh, the roommate? You can't pull him off, Jon. All DON'T look same.

B: Let me see your list.

B: "Gay Macklemore."
B: "Florida Man"? Who's that?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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40. "Fuck you, Brad Culpepper!" (Survivor, S27E03)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • The cover of C+C Music Factory's "Everybody Dance Now" (Bob's Burgers, S04E01)
  • Does anyone in real life store the keys to a car under the car's driver-side sun visor? (Breaking Bad, S05E16)
  • The pillar reveal (Breaking Bad, S05E16)
  • "He doesn't like to lose."
    "Nobody likes to, but we all have to learn how." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E04)
  • "He's so supportive."
    "You're like a nice big bra." (Eastbound and Down, S04E01)
  • "Hey, Kenny, tell 'em what you got. Don't hold back now."
    "I got a modest priced home! I got a good deal on it!"
    "What else? What else you got? Come on now."
    "Uh…I got a family that loves me! Loves the fuck out of me! They really like me a lot."
    "The fuck is that?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E01)
  • "It's not nice to call people faggots, faggots." (Eastbound and Down, S04E01)
  • "That is what happens when people get into air battles! Sometimes they connect!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E01)
  • "The dean is offering $500,000 for the capture of Kevin Costner. He doesn't even get paid that much to act anymore." (China, IL, S02E02)
  • "You don't like reggae…"
    "Uhh, Olly Murs?" (Bad Education, S02E05)
  • "Yeah, so that's glass. That ain't no mint." (New Girl, S03E03)
  • "This is author Toni Morrison. I am? Oh yeah? Well, I think you're a woman!" (New Girl, S03E03)
  • "Jess, you know so many Spaceballs quotes."
    "They jam the radar with literal jam!" (New Girl, S03E03)
  • "I made up a dance so everyone will be happy." (New Girl, S03E03)
  • Winston's alone moment at the restaurant (New Girl, S03E03)
  • "I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show. I think it's the best one." (New Girl, S03E03)
  • Filthy Phil! (Sons of Anarchy, S06E04)
  • Bad week to be a neo-Nazi on television (Sons of Anarchy, S06E04)


(South Park, S17E02)

  • "I wish Jaden Smith was my son!" (South Park, S17E02)
  • "Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want." (South Park, S17E02)
  • "Ugh, who has the pillow?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E05)
  • "Taco's Truck has earned four Michelin tires." (The League, S05E05)
  • "The clap's not that bad. It's like a B rating. Just don't touch your vagina after you eat the wings." (The League, S05E05)
  • The Bridge fan art! (The Bridge, S01E13)
  • Did he really pee himself? (The Eric Andre Show, S02E01)

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Toronto

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Squash Poutine (Oddseoul)
cheese curds, curried gravy, kewpie mayo, kimchee

Oddseoul was the best place I ate at in Toronto, and its squash poutine was the best thing I ate in Toronto. The cubes of squash were shockingly crisp.

Bulgogi Cheesesteak (Oddseoul)
O.S. Wings (Oddseoul)

Its wings were shockingly crisp too – and portioned generously.


Tongue on Brioche (The Black Hoof)


"Pop 'n Chips" Blood Pudding (The Black Hoof)
blood terrine with ketchup chips and dr. pepper gastrique

Horse Tartare (The Black Hoof)

YOLO.

I've actually eaten raw horse before – horse sashimi at a hotel in China.


Foieberry Shortcake (The Black Hoof)

I didn't expect the foie gras to be cooked, and berries with cooked foie gras is a clunky pairing, but I was reminded of how incredible cooked foie gras tastes.

Also: I didn't expect to see a restaurant kitchen equipped with a single-oven electric range.


Pig Face Fries (Grand Electric)

I couldn't really discern pig face. If I didn't know that they contained pig face, I would've guessed that they were polenta fries deep-fried in rancid oil.

Hand-Cut French Fries (Big Smoke Burger)
Best fast food chain fries I've ever eaten. A New York City location is opening soon. Yes!

Station Burger (Richmond Station)
lettuce, beet chutney, aged cheddar, milk bun, rosemary fries, jardiniere

I had to try Top Chef Canada season two winner Carl's restaurant. His burger was fine. The accompanying fries, though… [drools]


Cranberry Onion Turkey Fiesta Burger (Hero Certified Burgers)

With a name like that, I had to try it. It was alright.

Did a hero certify the burgers? Or did, like, a notary public certify Hero's burgers?


Kalbi Beef Taco (Banh Mi Boys)

Korean barbecue wrapped in Indian paratha flatbread and dressed like a Vietnamese sandwich – multi-cultural awesomeness.


Kimchi Fries (Banh Mi Boys)
spicy pulled pork, sweet mayonnaise, green onions

Plain mayonnaise as the only sauce was a struggle.


Peameal Bacon Sandwich (Carousel Bakery)

"Toronto's iconic sandwich." I imagined a panelle sandwich with strips of bacon, but no, it's just a basic pork sandwich.

Crack Rolls (Electric Mud)
milk buns, smoked butter (salty whipped butter laced with pork fat drippings straight from a southern pride smoker)

More like Crack Butter.

Shrimp and Grits (Electric Mud)
gulf shrimp, smoked cheddar grits, corn truffle bbq sauce, smoked ham hocks

More like Killer Ham Hocks and Some Other Shit.


Beef Brisket Sandwich (Electric Mud)
montreal-style smoked brisket, molasses bbq sauce, chipotle mayo, provolone cheese, onions

More like "Holy Cow!" Sandwich.

Pork Side Ribs (Electric Mud)
heritage pork done carolina-style, thai glaze

Eh…not so good. Resistant – and sour!


Fried Bologna Sandwich (Home of the Brave)
bologna, house-made american cheese, toasted pistachios, spicy sour cream

Home of the Brave is an America-themed restaurant in Canada. The employees wear shirts emblazoned with Benjamin Franklin's "Join, or Die" cartoon.

I had to psych myself up to eat bologna with American cheese, but was reminded of why I consumed so much of both as a child.


Kentucky Fried Handshake Sandwich (Home of the Brave)
fried chicken, mayo, iceberg lettuce, louisiana hot sauce

The foot is just for show. You're supposed to cut it off before eating the sandwich.


Red Velvet Funnel Cake (Home of the Brave)

Alas, the banana split –

Banana Split (Home of the Brave)
deep-fried corn-flake-crusted banana, chocolate ice cream, vanilla bourbon ice cream, strawberry ice cream, cream cheese icing, caramel, chocolate sauce, chocolate-covered corn flake clusters, bourbon cherry

– was unavailable.

Oatmeal Cookie with Dark Chocolate Chunks and Toffee Pieces (Sweet Flour Bake Shop)
"Made-to-order cookies in two minutes" – select a dough base, select mix-ins, and wait. A unique business. Shame that the cookie was mediocre.

Chocolate Apricot Rugulah (Phipps Bakery)
Eat this, not that.

OMG's Dark Chocolate Clusters (Shoppers Drug Mart)
chocolatey graham clusters with almonds and toffee bits

Terrible name, addictive treat. I'm currently figuring out a way to import them.

"Dynamite" Chocolate Tablet (Nadège Patisserie)
A chocolate bar with Pop Rocks, eh?

Ovaltine Cheesecake (Lamesa Filipino Kitchen)
malt chocolate whipped cheesecake with a brown butter polvoron crumble

[pause]

#eatersdigest