I am not permanent

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Washington, D.C.'s street layout was designed to confuse invading armies. [source]

Or aggravate.

» Union Station » Washington, D.C.

How do cabs in our nation's capital not accept credit cards?

Like the one for MetroCards in New York City, the $1 surcharge for paper Metrorail farecards is such bullshit.

Visitors to D.C. need, like, a lobbyist – a D.C. visitors union.



I love how bitchy D.C. Metro's ads are.

» Silver Spring, MD

Cheesy Bacon Tater Tots (Quarry House Tavern)
Old Bay Tater Tots (Quarry House Tavern)

Boy, patrons of this basement bar do NOT like Virginians. "Hicks," "dummies"…

Is Maryland vs. Virginia a rivalry? When I think of Maryland, I think Duke, and when I think of Virginia, I think Virginia Tech. If Maryland vs. Virginia is a rivalry, then it's definitely more Utah vs. Colorado than Washington vs. Oregon.

» Clarendon » Arlington, VA

Coffee Toffee Cookie (Northside Social)
Chocolate Coffee Orange Marmalade Tart (Northside Social)

Came for the Salted Cashew, Date, and White Chocolate Cookie, left with other goods.

» H Street » Washington, D.C.

Fowl Play Sandwich (Woodward Takeout Food)
smoked turkey, chopped chicken liver, turkey bacon, duck cracklings, pickled red onions, arugula, multigrain bread

It somehow lacked flavour.

I was tempted to order this too:

Porky Pig Sandwich (Woodward Takeout Food)
pâté, roast pork loin, surryano ham, smoked ham, bacon aïoli, gruyère, pickles, pommery mustard, toasted baguette

» Gallery Place-Chinatown » Washington, D.C.


Free association: A "one-word subtitle for wordy foreign dialogue" joke.


So that's Chinese for "Fuddruckers." The more you know.

"Fudds in the City."

E: Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. [rapes woman]

A party of four stops me.

"Excuse me, sir. [black people always call me 'sir,' for some reason] Can you name all the faces on cash, from a one-dollar bill to a 100-dollar bill?"

"Uhh…"

I couldn't even name one.

I was gonna at least answer "Lincoln on the five," but they threw me off by offering Lincoln as the first answer.

Is Lincoln on the one? He's on the penny…

Also, I should've known that Benjamin Franklin is on the 100, because…that Puff Daddy song.

Saturday / 12:12 a.m.

"Do you know where we can get food around here at this hour?"
"Uhh… McDonald's?"

Downtown D.C. and the National Mall are curiously dead at night. It's like you rented them out.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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25. Mark Henry's "retirement" (WWE Raw, 06-17-13)

Stroud: This is the kind of Raw moment that justifies the 95% crap-to-greatness ratio we sit through every week.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Ken "The Governor" Cosgrove (Mad Men, S06E12)


(Mad Men, S06E12)

  • "We are at DEFCON Fuck." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "Oh, no, that's a fuckin' wire brush to my hemorrhoids." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "He's just a varicose dick vein." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "Put this on. It's some ice cold lobster. Here's a couple of shrimp." (Family Tree, S01E05)
  • Speed Racer (Futurama, S07E14)
  • "Aww man, I can't afford no Medicare co-payments!" (Futurama, S07E14)
  • "Amy's birthday is this weekend. Are you gonna be back in time to throw her a party?"
    "Ohhh… Actually, not this year. I'm gonna be… I'm gonna be M.I.A."
    "Oh, that's a good disguise. You gonna get a wig?"
    "…What?"
    "You gonna get eye shadow and a wig? 'Cause you're gonna be M.I.A."
    "…Are you making a joke?"
    "Get high like paper, get fly like planes. Calling all trains. Pew pew." (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous, S01E08)
  • "I do remember certain things from my past. Yes, it's coming back to me now. 1945. My owner was a little girl – Anne. Anne Frank. Anne and her rules. No walks, no trips to the groomers. In the end, I just snapped. I screamed at her. "ANNE! I'M DYING HERE! IT'S LIKE WE NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!" And thank God, these well-dressed German men heard my barking and broke into the attic. Those brave heroes rescued me." (Wilfred, S03E01)


(Wilfred, S03E01)

  • "There's only one way to settle this: rape fight." (Wilfred, S03E01)
  • "Lead singer of Smash Mouth handjob giver." (Wilfred, S03E02)
  • "Who do I look like? Fonzie?"
    [pause]
    "Nothing? Really? Fonzie? Eyyyyy… Nothing?"
    "The bear?" (Maron, S01E08)

#clipoftheweek

O.K.

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Woooooooooooooooooooooork's. out. for. summer!

In retrospect, I shouldn't have cheaped out on an 8h 36m, one-stop flight, but at least I'll get to try Usinger's sausages.

Ooh! Schulzies Bread Pudding finally opened in San Francisco.

Forgive Me, Stan Park

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Off to the National Portrait Gallery in Washington, D.C. for the world premiere of the documentary film I've been working on.

It's no Kings of Summer, but it does feature a rare appearance by moi in front of a camera.

Our music composer is one half of the band Mountains, and one of our executive producers is Justin Bieber and Manti Te'o's publicist.

I hear Nancy Pelosi may attend the screening.

We're targeting the Toronto International Film Festival next, in part because the subject/director of our film would not be able to attend, as he would not be able to return home.

Fingers crossed. Miss you, Toronto.

Weak Chin Music

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Previously (2010) on Adam Riff™:
My band The Blond Jews and I are currently prepping our follow-up to 2007's Web-rip 128kbps (NUKED) LP. Its working title is A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Darkness, and it is a literary concept album.

I am chuffed to announce my band The Blond Jews' third album, Yuzus, which was hastily recorded over the past month.

Track listing:

1. T.V.M.A.L.S.V.
2. Jason Street MetroTech
3. Scrawny Indiana
4. Employees Must Wash Brains
5. Only Children
6. xXYxXYx (Straight Edge Homosexual)
7. Diphthong Song
8. We Didn't Doubt the Fire
9. Loner in Sweatpants
10. Canarsie

Japanese bonus track:
11. Born Again Irish (Re-micks)

It's a messy album, but hey, they can't all be Stadium Arcadium.

Live Thogs: Man of Steel / This Is the End

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1

White House Down Syndrome, heh.

Another animated film about auto racing?

Legendary is like Warner Bros.' sugar daddy.

I hereby sentence you to 300 cycles in a dildo!

"I'm a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist!" [chortles] Lois channeling [redacted].

Free association:

Lois Lounds. #hannisteel

You know Clark's not human because he's watching a Kansas football game – against a WAC team, no less!

Inception, The Dark Knight Rises, and now Man of Steel – Christopher Nolan sure likes leaps of faith.

IHOP fight!

Man of Steel Marketing Idea: A mobile phone recording of this IHOP fight on YouTube.

Huh. Man of Steel partnered with Walmart to sell tickets, but Sears is the featured big box store in the film.

It's like a bunch of unsexy brands jointly won the lottery – Nokia, IHOP, 7-Eleven, Sears, Kevin Costner.

Boy, this is a lot of action. It's like Warner Bros. is compensating for Superman Returns.

Boy, this is a lot of collateral damage.

Idea: A Superman video game in which the objective is to destroy as much shit as possible, like Rampage or Blast Corps with characters from the world of Superman.

Wayne Enterprises satellite!

The Kansas football team that Clark was watching was ranked 12th. #12 Kansas played Louisiana Tech in 2008, weeks after The Dark Knight was released. Was that satellite part of Lucius Fox's surveillance system?

2

[checks Twitter]

Mike: Was it me, or were there inconsistencies with the height of Superman's chest hair?

[pause]

Podcast Idea: Jon and Mike discuss film/television minutiae.

[Grown Ups 2 trailer slays audience]

I am the 1%.

Man of Steel partnered with Carl's Jr., but Carl's Jr. is actually featured – and explicitly so – in This Is the End.

Are those ladies walking out? Yup.

I wonder how Tumblr will overblow this rape joke sight unseen.

You'd think James Franco's house would have access to the basement from inside.

'Tis an eventful weekend for dicks on film – baby Superman dick, flying penal dildos, giant demon erection, floppy demon dong, heavenly dick severing.

When did Kevin rejoin the Backstreet Boys?

The producers needed Louisiana's tax credits to film what is basically a bottle episode?

Huh. They flew all those celebrities out to Louisiana for cameos.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on


24. North Korean Computer Lab (Vice, S01E10)

"Television Episode of the Year" candidate.

Honourable Mention

  • The new Sherlock Holmes (Family Tree, S01E04)
  • Sex montage (Maron, S01E07)

Stray Observations

  • "It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy." (Game of Thrones, S03E10)
  • "Then why are you using your sexy voice?" (Mad Men, S06E11)
  • "I was…comforting Mrs. Rosen. She was very upset." (Mad Men, S06E11)
  • "It looks like I'm masturbating if I put my hands in my pocket."
    "Put the blanket over it? Or is that…too FDR?" (Veep, S02E08)
  • Murphy bed callback (The Venture Bros., S05E02)

#clipoftheweek