Adam Riff™

21. Zach Sashimi (Jackass 4.5)

Honourable Mention

• Ugly Sonic (Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers)

Stray Observations

• "Somebody called me a 'fuck fuck'?"
  "Rob Reiner, 1994, at the Ghosts of Mississippi audition." (Barry, S03E04)
• Joe Mantegna's restraining order (Barry, S03E04)
• "This is worse than Tony Danza." (Barry, S03E04)
• "You do not look old enough to have an abused daughter." (Barry, S03E04)
• "Great penis." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)
• "Humanity has progressed to the point where we usually wear pants when we eat fruit with other people." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)

(The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)

• "How are the shingles?"
  "Do you know, I… I think I pooped when you hugged me, they hurt so bad, but…" (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)
• "In science, everything is error until the day it isn't." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)
• "I think we need to go look at some women. How 'bout we hit up that Millstream?"
  "That farm-to-table strip joint?" (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "You smell good for a white girl." (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "75 percent of that body weight is ass." (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "You robbed the midget stripper?" (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "I didn't know you had it in you, Kwapis. The dirty tricks."
  "I don't like it, but I am a student of Nixon. Cynthia Nixon. You remember when she ran for governor of New York?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E10)
• "You son of a bitch! Diarrhea's mine, Bremer." (Mr. Mayor, S02E10)
• </Mr. Mayor, S02>
• ♫: Dashboard Confessional – "Vindicated" (The Staircase, S01E05)
• ♫: Juvenile – "Slow Motion" (The Staircase, S01E05)
• "You're not a Nazi, huh, Staircase?"
  "No, of course not. I voted for Gore." (The Staircase, S01E05)
• "If Roman Reigns gets to AEW, you can DM my ex-boyfriend." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Hello, Deborah. We miss you. And we wanted to tell you someone was a very brave boy about getting his anal glands expressed today." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Oh, look at his little doggy dick." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Everybody read Little Women in school, baby. I went to school with white folk." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Oh, no. She's doing Ellen." (Hacks, S02E04)
• "No, Summer, don't be one of those women. You don't wanna look like Susan from Guess Who." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "If you were a poker hand, you'd be four jokers and a piece of shit." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "I'm worse than Robin Thicke."
  "No one is worse than Robin Thicke." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "You want a lawsuit?"
  "No, courtroom lighting is really bad." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "Don't you have people that work for you who can deal with this?"
  "Honey! I'm the head of the goddamn studio. I am the fucking people that deal with this." (The Offer, S01E06)
• "Barry, if you don't order steak, I'll stick you with a fork. Oil people, they don't trust fish." (The Offer, S01E06)
• Alexander Skarsgård dancing to Ashanti (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "The bread was worth the wait." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "She has blood on a baguette that she's carrying around." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "I might lose the Baby Shark movie now." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "We both met while we were stripping on that river cruise." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "We've been chasing hands all day?" (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "Bitch, this is a whole hand." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "Don't you have to pee on someone?" (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "May I offer you some champagne? Cheese or grapes?"
  "No, I had, like, two bottles of Powerade for lunch." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• [urine continues]
  "[gurgling] Stop."
  ♫: Ludacris – "Splash Waterfalls" (Atlanta, S03E10)
• </Atlanta, S03>
• ♫: The Pharcyde – "Passing Me By" (Shining Girls, S01E06)
• </Shark Tank, S13>
• ♫: CMAT – "I Don't Really Care for You" (Conversations with Friends, S01E01)
• ♫: The Sei – "Let It All Go" (Conversations with Friends, S01E01)
• ♫: Alexi Murdoch – "All My Days" (Conversations with Friends, S01E02)
• "You're so handsome."
  "I thought you were attracted to my personality."
  "Do you even have one?"
  "Um… Okay, bye." (Conversations with Friends, S01E03)
• ♫: Cassandra Jenkins – "Michelangelo" (Conversations with Friends, S01E03)
• ♫: The Anxiety – "Meet Me at Our Spot" (Conversations with Friends, S01E04)
• ♫: James Blake – "Atmosphere" (Conversations with Friends, S01E05)
• "Who is he?"
  "A med student who loved Yates."
  "Is that bad?"
  "I practically had to stop him from reciting The Lake Isle of Innisfree."
  "Wow, I feel terrible for you having young men recite verse to you in bars."
  "And the sex wasn't good."
  "Well, of course, no one who likes Yates is actually capable of human intimacy." (Conversations with Friends, S01E08)
• ♫: The McTague Twins – "Peach Plum Pear" (Conversations with Friends, S01E08)
• "Everyone's always going through something, aren't they? Just life, basically. Just more and more stuff to go through. Nobody's going through nothing." (Conversations with Friends, S01E10)
• "People think in couples. We have to work really hard to resist it." (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• "Every forehead I look at reads lines of sorrow." (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• ♫: Phoebe Bridgers – "Sidelines" (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• "I have this impulse to be available to you. All the time."
  "Nick."
  "Yeah?"
  "Come and get me." (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• </Conversations with Friends, S01>

(Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers)

20. Blackness Tribunal (Atlanta, S03E09)

Honourable Mention

• Chet Hanks' Joker impression after singing country (Ziwe, S02E02)
• Master Chief sex scene (Halo, S01E08)

Stray Observations

• </Winning Time, S01>
• "Oh, I have deodorant. I'll get it. I have the good kind. The cancer kind!" (Barry, S03E03)

(Barry, S03E03)

• "So, you were a Marine?"
  "Mm-hmm."
  "I do CrossFit with a lot of Marines."
  "Oh, that's cool."
  "They're always telling me like, 'Dude, you totally could've been a Marine.'" (Barry, S03E03)
• "Thank you for teaching me how to right my wrongs, Mr. Manity."
  "Please, call me Hugh." (Barry, S03E03)
• "I mean, Barry is…Greek Freak of assassins, okay?" (Barry, S03E03)
• "You somehow managed to be roiling in contempt for him while drowning in Kahlua. Kahlua, in the 21st century." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E03)
• ♫: Pastor T.L. Barrett and the Youth for Christ Choir – "Like a Ship" (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E03)
• "You know, you say things without understanding context."
  "That seems to be the strategy here. The misperception regarding communication on this planet is the illusion that it has taken place." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E03)
• "This is you."
  "Yeah, I was blackout drunk."
  "But it is on the internet. You chose a font." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E03)
• "If we don't, we're done by 2030."
  "2030? Where did you get that? I can't hedge chaos."
  "Chaos is why humans exist. Meteors and dinosaurs. Shifting land masses. Eclipses, plague, war. You rise and you adapt. You regrow your brains and you adapt." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E03)
• "You need to stay in here and not come out. Unless you have a staple gun, then we'll be fine." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E03)
• "No, no, no. No. We don't engage with birds." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E03)
• "Quit bragging, dude."
  "That's the way it is man. Hey, you got a big dick, you wear tight pants." (We Own This City, S01E03)
• "Politics drains the souls of righteous people." (We Own This City, S01E03)
• "What is this shit right here, man? What the fuck is this bougie-ass bottle, man? What the fuck is Pat-Ron, anyway?" (We Own This City, S01E03)
• "Hello. Just to save us a lot of questions, I'm Filipino." (Mr. Mayor, S02E09)
• "I love when hot people are bad at things." (Mr. Mayor, S02E09)
• "You need to be ready to tell the mayor you quit."
  "But the man I turn to when I'm confused is the very man you want me to betray."
  "Well, good luck with that, Iago."
  "I'm the parrot from Aladdin? No, he's so mean!" (Mr. Mayor, S02E09)
• "Gru is just the latest in a long line of masters you've served. Dracula, a T-Rex, Ryan Murphy." (Mr. Mayor, S02E09)
• "Don't psychoanalyze my pot pie, all right?"
  "Okay, okay. I just meant that, you know, the last time you did this was when Carrot Top ghosted you."
  "Well, if he didn't wanna date, then he should've had an adult conversation."
  "I told you to never date a comedian and you're way out of his league."
  "Yeah, I'm out of Carrot Top's league." (Hacks, S02E01)
• ♫: Pastor T.L. Barrett and the Youth for Christ Choir – "Nobody Knows" (Hacks, S02E01)
• "I'm getting a massive ice luge." (Hacks, S02E01)
• "I lost half a million on that house because of you being a little mold bitch!" (Hacks, S02E02)
• "And the timing of that is bad 'cause, Jimmy, I want a blow job in Mallorca."
  "Oh."
  "Yeah."
  "That sounds like a great setting for that."
  "So I help you make an email disappear. You help me get my balls drained. Well, ball. You know, I'm a survivor."
  "Mm-hmm." (Hacks, S02E02)
• "'I actually think Deborah Vance is the perfect comp for your horrible boss character in Bitch PM.' Their show is about a prime minister. Who is a bitch."
  "Yeah, got that." (Hacks, S02E02)
• "It's only a 52-week course."
  "52 weeks? That's a whole year, Barbara."
  "It's actually a little bit longer, because they don't meet the weeks of Christmas and Hanukkah and Halloween."
  "They don't meet the week of Halloween?"
  "Yeah, Joyce, the woman who runs it, is really into Halloween, and she throws a great party every year, but you have to come in costume."
  "Hold on, are you friends with this person?"
  "Not anymore, because I came one year not in costume and she got really mad at me."
  "So the anger management course woman got mad?"
  "Well, you know, it's like, those who can't do, teach." (Hacks, S02E02)
• "You got a big date?"
  "I cannot disclose the size of the man I'm meeting. I signed an NDA with The NBA on TNT."
  "Oh. Well, that's how most great love stories start." (Girls5eva, S02E04)
• Business Throne (Girls5eva, S02E04)
• "Summer, if I could give you some advice from my own life… I cannot. I signed an NDA with The NBA on TNT." (Girls5eva, S02E04)
• "He's got an empty earring hole. That means secrets." (Girls5eva, S02E04)
• "I wonder how many helicopters we're gonna see."
  "If I could go back in time, I would've blasted on your mother's stomach. Fuck off, son!" (Girls5eva, S02E04)
• "Censored and I are gonna go public with our relationship."
  "Hey, that's progress."
  "In Q1 of 2023, after he wraps a reality show about finding his soulmate. It's called Love Shaq, a pun on nothing and spelled the normal way." (Girls5eva, S02E04)
• "It's called Chinatown. I read it over the weekend, actually, in one sitting."
  "Is this the one with the winning combination of incest and water rights?" (The Offer, S01E05)
• ♫: Loose Ends – "Hangin' on a String" (Atlanta, S03E09)
• Kevin Samuels (Atlanta, S03E09)
• "My friend was dating a Black guy, and he got accepted to all his colleges on a free ride."
  "What was his name?"
  "I don't remember, but regardless, he's probably gonna stay in school for one year and then go straight to the NBA. Oh, yeah. I remember now. Zion Wilson. Williams…son." (Atlanta, S03E09)
• ♫: Shai – "If I Ever Fall in Love" a capella cover (Atlanta, S03E09)
• Stankonia album cover (Atlanta, S03E09)
• "Take him to White Grady."
  "You mean Emory?" (Atlanta, S03E09)

(Atlanta, S03E09)

• "Not gonna lie, you look pretty rough here."
  "They only use the glamour shots if you get killed, so…" (Shining Girls, S01E05)

19. Wild and Crazy Kids (Outer Range, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

• Ziwe talks to parents about critical race theory (Ziwe, S01E01)
• Liam Neeson (Atlanta, S03E08)
• Bad language removed (The Pentaverate, S01E02)

Stray Observations

• Jerry Buss smacking the camera (Winning Time, S01E09)
• "Goodness sakes, you've been rich too long. You forgot how to be useful." (Winning Time, S01E09)
• "I have given my whole life to men. Fathers, husbands, sons. Has its upsides. It's hard to be out there all on your own. I fell on my ass a few times. I gave up. But you're better than me. You're a good girl, Jeanie. Don't be too good." (Winning Time, S01E08)
• Magic Johnson's memento drawer (Winning Time, S01E08)
• "They went with Adam DeVine and Josh Gad. Two short guys. Never, ever, ever going to work. Not funny." (Barry, S03E02)
• "Stop being so much fun!" (Barry, S03E02)
• "The Man Show does not age well." (Barry, S03E02)
• "We should talk about it right now because it is tomorrow."
  "But she needs to get spaghetti." (Barry, S03E02)
• "I need you to not only look inside your wallet, but your soul. It's part of the settlement."
  "To apologize? What kind of law practice is this?"
  "A law practice whose goal is to eradicate meanness."
  "Wait. That's you guys?" (Barry, S03E02)
• "Gene Cousineau? That's your acting teacher?"
  "That the guy that brought the loaded gun to the Full House audition?" (Barry, S03E02)
• "You look kind of vegan." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E02)
• "You know, you'll be my age before that silly cunt brings you your fuck¡ng profiterole." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E02)
• "Juzzie, bring me some asbestos in a sippy cup for this righteous Greenpeace Olympian. And a slice of dolphin on a Kaiser roll." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E02)
• "Women are first contact for most humans because they possess an olfactory introduction. I smell no threat in your presence."
  "Okay. Just… Okay. Sit there. And please try not to smell any women." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E02)
• "The pupa is afraid as well."
  "Don't talk about my child, please."
  "No faith! A white girl would never…" (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E02)
• "Kid, there's no dictatorship in America more solid than a beat cop on his post." (We Own This City, S01E02)
• "When things get boring and you wanna second-guess the tap, here's something Judge Quarles told me that might help: 'The bad guy has to be perfect all the time, while all we have to be is lucky one time.'" (We Own This City, S01E02)
• "A taxpayer murder rates a second detective." (We Own This City, S01E02)
• "Why you wearing those stupid fucking shoes, man? I see the fucking Jordans, I just give it a smack. Man, my bad." (We Own This City, S01E02)
• "Oh, no! It's the tall mom from Knives Out." (Mr. Mayor, S02E08)
• "Why didn't I bring Arby's for her to sign? I'm so stupid." (Mr. Mayor, S02E08)
• "If those are the wings of a dove angel, there should be four wings since it had two before it died."
  "By that logic, human angels should have four legs."
  "O-M-B. I'm Buddhist now." (Mr. Mayor, S02E08)
• "You made Z101's Dr. Fart throw up. And I don't know what you said to Sanchez Gomez."
  "Tanto que hasto los moon pies…"
  "You can't just scare people, Arpi. If devastating facts and figures made a difference, I would be eating a much different diet. You need to help people understand. It's like when you're supposed to read Hamlet for school, and your mom's like, 'It's okay. It's not that complicated. It's basically The Lion King. So you watch The Lion King, you get a D, and you graduate."
  "Fine. You're so smart. Tell me how to turn this into 'Hakuna Matata.'"
  "Okay, first of all, that song has a time jump in it, so Timon and Pumbaa had years to cheer up Simba." (Mr. Mayor, S02E08)
• "Are those LEDs? Yes! Everyone looks terrible." (Mr. Mayor, S02E08)
• "When I was 19, I was living in a car and heading for Canada because of Vietnam."
  "Oh, my God. I love Vietnam. I was, like, so tall there." (Mr. Mayor, S02E08)
• "You are the only real superpower…I ever had." (Moon Knight, S01E06)
• "Hippo!" (Moon Knight, S01E06)
• "Tell me to spare you, and I will."
  "I choose obliteration over mercy." (Moon Knight, S01E06)

(Moon Knight, S01E06)

• </Moon Knight, S01>
• "My god! I got into Raya!"
  "Really? I couldn't. The dragon has hair and doesn't sing."
  "It's the secret dating app for celebrities. [gasps] It's already suggesting. Goldbergs regular Tim Meadows." (Girls5eva, S02E01)
• "Can Max do karate on Wednesdays? Jane's son has peanut reintroduction on Tuesdays." (Girls5eva, S02E01)
• Wickie's gallbladder exploding (Girls5eva, S02E01)
• "Please, Timothy Meadows. Obviously, I wanna cut ribbons at steakhouses with you, meet your boat, inspire your niece to go into fashion. I wanna be there when a hurricane takes your childhood home because the tragedy brings us closer. But I can't. I cannot let you Yoko Girls5eva." (Girls5eva, S02E01)
• "Ooh, just use the codeword that we had for visible tampon string when we did MTV4's The Grind's Spring Break Slam Palace."
  "Jack Bauer." (Girls5eva, S02E01)
• "Tim Meadows was heartbroken." (Girls5eva, S02E01)
• "Half our old songs weren't even spell-checked."
  ♪ "We don't want no average Joe so you better be rollin' in some Doug" ♪ (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word 'set' has the most meanings…430. And this song uses all of them." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "'Hope is a four-letter word' came to me while I was eating dim sum. For me, dim sum is the shower." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "Uh, nope, and we don't need a surrogate. But I'm sure you got a dope ute, Sniper Mom Omaha." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "I do not get the foot thing at all. I am just a meat-and-potatoes genitals gal." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "But the other foot, while fully functional, is far from beautiful. Nicknamed Reek, it lives in the shadows." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• ♪ "And I know that Gloria punched BJ Novak in the face on an unaired episode of Punk'd" ♪ (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "What kind of deep dive did you do on me?"
  "Well, I also saw a post where you ate octopus. How did it feel eating something that's capable of pranks?" (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "You should do Peloton. It makes you less precious elsewhere." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "But I get the house, the cars, the Peloton, and Stevia, plus continued support for my extensions and 3/4 of all of our Doug." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "I got rid of my 'Summer loves Kev' tattoo."
  "'Summer loves Kevin Bacon's filmography.'" (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "Dawn, your ego could unlock my phone 'cause recognition technology." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "I can't say sorry to a guy that pushes up the sleeves of his blazer."
  "It's called Varvatos-ing." (Girls5eva, S02E02)
• "It's an ode to the largest city in America that doesn't have a hit song about it!"
  ♪ "Tap into your Fort Worth" ♪ (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "Hey, Maria, you gotta get the Sirius station off Raw Dog Comedy. It's 10:00 a.m. Lisa Lampanelli is on a 'vaginal ruin' run." (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "I know from Scott's favorite dinner party story that every brick has a unique stamp."
  "Well, that's a good lesbian fact." (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "What's the sexiest pain reliever? Bayer, right?"
  "No devices on set"
  "No… I didn't get a chance to press send."
  "Chef's Table wasn't over." (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "Sir, uh, this is a Sliding Doors moment."
  "Oh, good, so it'll work out either way." (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "Hey, will you watch Max for a minute? I'm just gonna go get him some food."
  "Okay. Okay, sir, come." (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "I have seen you flirt a zillion times. You J-O'ed all of O-Town. You blowfished Hootie. You ran the table on the cast of Whose Line Is It Anyway?" (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "I filmed that caffeinated-tampons commercial."
  "Tamperx?" (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "Okay, little man, are you a kinesthetic learner or a social-interpersonal?" (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "She's cute. I like her. My ticker's going, and my knees are weak, and I wanna buy her a horse." (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• ♪ "From Zendaya to Zen-night-a" ♪ (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "He's boring, just like his father."
  "Can I play with another receipt?"
  "Yes, honey!" (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "Oh, JK Rowling just tweeted in support of you, Stinker."
  "Shut it all down. I'm going to France." (Girls5eva, S02E03)
• "So, look, I have to cancel."
  "Why?"
  "My schedule's changed. I have to get up to Durham and back to Tampa in less than a day and…and I just think my ass might need at least a couple days to recover." (The Staircase, S01E03)

Colin Firth eating Toni Collette's ass (The Staircase, S01E03)

• "Sorry, man. That's not enough."
  "Oh. Well, I'll just let fate take care of it."
  "I'll pay for it, man. Damn, just move."
  "Thank you, fate." (Atlanta, S03E08)
• "Your friend, you know, he kind of seems like he's seen the other side before, but, uh, are you sure you want this?"
  "My nigga, I had to watch the movie Cats sober with a bitch who lied to me about having some dank, okay? So I know extremes. Yes." (Atlanta, S03E08)
• "Stereolab? All right, man." (Atlanta, S03E08)
• "Are you someone to other people?"
  "I'm nobody, so you can leave me alone."
  "Well, everyone is nobody. But are you a nobody to everyone?" (Atlanta, S03E08)
• "Two dirty martinis, a gin and Hpnotiq, and…"
  "Uh, White Hennessy, neat."
  "Two dirties, a Blue Lagoon, and a Chris Evans." (Atlanta, S03E08)
• "You're not the first rapper, just so you know."
  "Do you know what they call her apartment?"
  "106 and Park." (Atlanta, S03E08)
• </Outer Range, S01>
• "'Big Dick's Halfway Inn'? Really?
  "Yeah. Big Dick suffers from gigantism. Hence, the nickname 'Big Dick.' And he's always wanted to have a hotel halfway between Toronto and Niagara Falls. You know, Halfway Inn!"
  "Yeah, Big Dick's Halfway Inn. Yeah. Oh! Did you see there? They had a gift store. Pants are half off."
  "See? Reasonable prices. But that's just who Dick is. I just hope people can see past his prolapsed anus." (The Pentaverate, S01E01)
• "Behold, before you is a choice. Take the key, and you shall join us in protecting the world. Take the pill, and you shall end your life."
  "What will be choice? Will it be key or 'peele'?"
  "Come on, now." (The Pentaverate, S01E01)
• "I can't run too good on account I got necrosis of the left testis."
  "From a western?"
  "No, it's from when I was stunt coordinator on The Golden Girls. Fuck Estelle Getty!" (The Pentaverate, S01E04)
• </The Pentaverate, S01>