Adam Riff™

5. High School Reunion Musical (The Afterparty, S01 E01-03)

Honourable Mention

• Apes (The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, 24 Jan 2022)

Stray Observations

• "Why the fuck would you audition for Oklahoma?" (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "I love that I'm your secret." (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "They didn't know each other well, except that they shared a mutual disdain for Oklahoma."
  "Bobbi, you okay?"
  "Fuck Oklahoma." (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "Dial, bitch." (Euphoria, S02E03)
• "They're from Asheville, daddy. They hate God." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E04)
• "No, don't make him giggle." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E04)

(The Righteous Gemstones, S02E04)

• "Looking like Ron Weasley if he was a pick-up artist."
  "This man look like he dream in podcasts." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "Mr. Vampire Weekend, that really hurt my feelings." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "They called me 'HuffPo-reading gay Pete Buttigieg,' which is repetitive and insulting. As if I would read a word of Huffington Post after Arianna stepped down." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "My bad, y'all. She was supposed to skip second grade, but they told me during Essence Fest. I missed a lot of paperwork during that month."
  "Isn't Essence Fest just a weekend?"
  "Maybe for y'all." (Abbott Elementary, S01E05)
• "I love my dad and he loves me back, but he's only hugged me one time in my life. And I think that was because he lost his balance and fell into me on the escalator." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "I thought this was a place you make copies. What's with all the donuts?"
  "It's called Copy and Donuts. It's a pun on 'coffee and donuts.'"
  "I get the pun, but it's just a really random combination."
  "Come on, haven't you ever been printing a copy and gotten hungry for a snack?"
  "Nah, bro."
  "Well, this isn't Shark Tank. I don't need to sell this business to you." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Sometimes plots of movies are good real-life ideas: Air Bud, Soul Plane, Jurassic Park." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Here you go, more delicious ways to avoid communication." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "I wanted a vacationship, not a relationship." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Michael will already be thinking about leaving, and once the improv group starts to perform, he's as good as gone." (Grand Crew, S01E06)
• "Persistence without insight will lead to the same outcome." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "Leave, apostate." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "Dated a Jawa for a while. They're quite furry. Very furry. Lot of issues." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "I dated a Jawa. I know what I'm doing, right?"
  "[Jawaese]"
  "Oh, that's okay. I'm working on me right now." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "The entire vapor manifold is missing."
  "Trust me, the last thing you want strangling your thrust capacitor is a vapor manifold. I fabricated you this induction intake charger that's gonna double your output coefficient."
  "It'll also blow the shaft out of my motivator block."
  "That's why I'm reinforcing your compression housing, and you can access it by using this Kineso-switch right here." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "Smooth?"
  "As a gonk's scomp jack." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "How was it?"
  "Wizard." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E05)
• "It's just too much tuna." (Next Level Chef, S01E05)

(Peacemaker, S01E05)

• "Brad Pitt, or Payne Stewart, or Doug the Pug? Khloe Kardashian, the Red Tiger from Voltron, Fran Tarkenton… BTS?" (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Why are you seeing their penises?"
  "It's a locker room, dude. What am I gonna do? Look at a towel?"
  "So you just stare at each other's dicks and come up with names for them?"
  "Yeah. My friend Veiny McVeinerstein said I was like a gypsy, but with dicks instead of palms." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Situation is delicate. It requires something other than your…usual sledgehammer."
  "Well, these days, Murn, I'm…I'm barely ball-peen." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "All right, that might be overkill."
  "I finger bang you, I'm not using my pinky."
  "That's a disgusting phrase."
  "You're just saying that 'cause lesbians don't finger bang."
  "We finger bang more than the rest of the world combined."
  "Okay, you're right. I just forgot women had fingers for a second, okay?"
  "How do you think we grab things?"
  "Not in life, in sex."
  "Oh, so you just thought women's fingers just fell off during sex?"
  "I don't know! I wasn't thinking, okay?" (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Eat peace, motherfuckers!" (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• Killing a gorilla with a chainsaw (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "Maybe next gorilla." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "I had just said how much I wanted to kill someone with a chainsaw, like, 15 minutes earlier, and then Economos just coincidentally comes in and kills someone with one? I mean, it kinda seems like he was trying to fuck with me a little." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "But I just wanna say, my dick is a lesbian, by the way." (Peacemaker, S01E05)
• "I've been working out a lot. Have you heard of Pilates?"
  "I have."
  "I haven't done 'em yet, but I've heard of 'em." (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• "You remember Ska-pe Diem? Right? We shredded the MLK Day barbecue." (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• ♫: Bleachers – "Rollercoaster" (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• "There's some things I need to tell you. But first, I gotta go see about this asshole. Not— Not my asshole. I mean, I'm talkin' about somebody else. Not somebody else's asshole. I'll be right back." (The Afterparty, S01E01)
• "I don't have any business cards 'cause it's the future, but I could airdrop you my information." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "If you hate on Urkel one more time…"
  "Did I do that?" (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "Nice try, kiddo. But no one pees like me." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "♪ Happy birthday to you / Happy birthday to you… ♪" (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "What's up, man? I'm not hearing anything out of that speaker there. You're running mono, my friend." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "My prawns!" (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "Okay, you look like Prince took a shit." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "This fist is gonna crack your sternum like a piñata, bitch. And then all your guts and your ribs are gonna spill out of your chest cavity like candy at a quinceañera, tú sabes?"
  "Me do sabes real good." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "This whole aggro routine is old hat. And I… I'm new hat. I'm cool new hat." (The Afterparty, S01E02)
• "One 'diarrhea' coming up." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "♪ So she walked to the altar / With another dude and I got so depressed / I fell apart like The West Wing after Sorkin left ♪" (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• Walt's verse (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Could you write on this piece of paper, 'I have diarrhea' or 'don't have diarrhea'?" (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Actually, I interrupted you for a game about diarrhea. See— All right. Imagine a town, all right? With villagers. With ghosts. With a barrel of clams. And one toilet." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Somebody say diarrhea game? I'm in." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• Flaming Jell-O shots = candles (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "Two verses, three choruses, one bridge and a broken heart."
  "What? Did you see anything else? Did you see what happened?"
  "I was lost in 4/4 time." (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "So, right when Xavier and I transitioned from Sublime covers to originals, I came up with the perfect musical philosophy. The four categories of songs. Category one: 'I love you, or I hate you, but I secretly love you.' Two: 'I'm so great,' or 'My hometown's so great.' Category three: 'Come on, everybody. Listen up, this is important.' See, those are your issues songs.
  Those are your Bono's, your Macklemore's, know what I'm saying? And then number four: 'How great is this party?'" (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• Songs by Jon Lajoie (The Afterparty, S01E03)
• "What's a welfie?" (All of Us Are Dead, S01E03)
• "You can take off your pants and hang out the window. Like this. Outside. Like you're taking a dump at the edge of a cliff. Like this."
  "What reaction is he hoping for?" (All of Us Are Dead, S01E04)
• "[Wu-jin farts]" (All of Us Are Dead, S01E07)
• </All of Us Are Dead, S01>

4. I can feel it in my plums (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E03)

Stray Observations

• Sydney Sweeney's boobs (Euphoria, S02E02)
• ♫: Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan – "Live or Die" (Euphoria, S02E02)

(Euphoria, S02E02)

• Minka Kelly (Euphoria, S02E02)
• Dothraki (Euphoria, S02E02)
• "I feel like we should do drugs." (Euphoria, S02E02)
• "Kat hated herself. But the problem with hating yourself is you can't really talk about it. Because at some point recently, the whole world joined a self-help cult and won't shut the fuck up about it." (Euphoria, S02E02)
• ♫: Labrinth – "Understand Me" (Euphoria, S02E02)
• Sauce fountain (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E03)
• "She was really there for me when I needed it. Always smiling, always laughing. Well, not literally, of course. After the last stroke, she pretty much lost all control of her facial musculature." (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• ♫: The Offspring – "Come Out and Play" (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• ♫: Enya – "Only Time" (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• "Are you quoting Beaches at me right now?" (Yellowjackets, S01E10)
• </Yellowjackets, S01>
• "I'm a little behind on my Hotmail correspondences." (Abbott Elementary, S01E04)
• "Stop high-fiving my trauma." (Grand Crew, S01E05)
• "All you vegroes are the same." (Grand Crew, S01E05)
• Thundercat (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Find other banthas. Make baby banthas." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Sous chef droid" (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Next time, don't touch my buttons." (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• ♫: The Mandalorian theme (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E04)
• "Why is everybody 'fucking you' to me?" (Peacemaker, S01E04)
• "Although she would probably hit it now that she's schtupping her friend Bob."
  "It's always a Bob. My mom has a Bob, but his name's Daryl – which is the Bob of Black people." (Single Drunk Female, S01E02)

(Tucker Carlson Tonight, 21 Jan 2022)

3. Dance, Dance (Peacemaker, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

• Mr. Frog (Smiling Friends, S01E02)

Stray Observations

• Blockbuster card (Euphoria, S02E01)
• ♫: 2Pac – "Hit 'Em Up" (Euphoria, S02E01)
• "You're probably fuckin' eating that ginger's ass for fuckin' oxys." (Euphoria, S02E01)
• "What the fuck? Are you just puttin' it in there? What are you doing? Oh, my God…okay. Jesus, that's your whole fucking crotch. Ow, that looks like it hurt, ow." (Euphoria, S02E01)
• Martha Kelly (Euphoria, S02E01)
• ♫: "Hypnotize" / "Back That Azz Up" / "Party Up" (Euphoria, S02E01)
• Nate opening bottles with his teeth (Euphoria, S02E01)
• ♫: Nate listening to Orville Peck (Euphoria, S02E01)
• Sydney Sweeney's boobs (Euphoria, S02E01)
• ♫: Cutting Crew – "[I Just] Died in Your Arms" (Euphoria, S02E01)
• "On the surface, Iron Lake may seem like the idyllic snow globe town Norman Rockwell would jerk off to. But I came here because an overprivileged, cis, white boy named Matt Caldwell went hunting in the woods one day and never came back." (Dexter, S09E10)
• ♫: Radiohead – "A Wolf at the Door" (Dexter, S09E10)
• "We'll get through this. The world needs us." (Dexter, S09E10)
• </Dexter, S09>
• ♫: Seal – "Kiss From a Rose" (Yellowjackets, S01E08)
• "Hey, that's a nice dick, Ernie." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "What's confusing? He's blasting cum everywhere." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Bottom line: Your mom and I are not comfortable talking about cum with your baby brother. Load-blow convos are more appropriate, we believe, coming from an older sibling, as opposed to mommies and daddies." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Streaming services."
  "Amen!" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• ♫: Heavy Young Heathens – "Come to Communion" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• BJ's milk in a wine glass (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Hey, do not talk about my wife's vagina at church lunch, do you hear me?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "So we did it Nike style, dog. We just did it, okay? We're whim babies." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Prince Eric? Who the fuck is that?"
  "The boy from The Little Mermaid."
  "The hottest guy in the entire Disney catalog."
  "It's Ariel's boyfriend, you fucking bitches."
  "Oh, lord. Y'all went down to Disney World, didn't invite any family to come to your wedding, and you didn't even get a legacy character to marry you." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Judy, I don't want to discuss the mermaid wedding." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "You gotta marginalize your siblings. First-borns lead the way when parents trip." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Okay, so the hot tubs are near where the elephants hose down Noah's ark?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Like I'm gonna kiss that smelly ass ring that's probably been shoved up Amber's pussy."
  "Oh, it's definitely been shoved up her pussy. That's why kissing it is so very cool." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Where's the littlest son we have who's been cumming on things?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "You have terrific tits."
  "Thanks for the cheese enchiladas." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E01)
• "Thaniel Block."
  "Nathaniel?"
  "Thaniel." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E02)
• "I'm not a lesbian partner. I'm her husband, BJ." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E02)
• "Oh, hey, do y'all know Joe Jonas?"
  "Joe Jonas from the Jonas Brothers?"
  "No, he…married to Game of Thrones?" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E02)
• "That's wild. Thought of the same damn thing that Joe Jonas thought at the same time." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E02)
• ♫: Linkin Park – "One More Light" (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E02)
• "I'm hearing this, and I'm processing it, and I'm just thinking the only way we put this to an end, daddy, is if I go seduce this man. You know, get some intel through turn-ons, hand-holds, eye contacts. Jack him off just a little bit."
  "No, what we're gonna do is zip our lips, like I said."
  "Well, I'm just gonna go on record saying I think it'd be better if Judy at least jacked this fella off than do nothing at all."
  "Daddy, I could just get him hungry." (The Righteous Gemstones, S02E02)
• "How do I look, Yellow Man?"
  "Y-you look like you're about to tell your friend not to come to school tomorrow." (Smiling Friends, S01E03)

(Smiling Friends, S01E05)

• Century Egg (Smiling Friends, S01E05)
• DDR (Smiling Friends, S01E07)
• "I always wanted to be a SoundCloud artist, man." (Smiling Friends, S01E07)
• "I actually wanted to kill Puerto Ricans." (Smiling Friends, S01E07)
• </Smiling Friends, S01>
• "Did you see my video that I did about softening elbows? I did it to the tune of 'Black and Yellow.' ♪ Soften elbows, soften elbows ♪" (Abbott Elementary, S01E03)
• "Why does it say #BelieveScience, #RollTide, #BelieveAllWomen…#LockHerUp?"
  "You said you wanted eyes on it." (Abbott Elementary, S01E03)
• "She said, 'I want a man with a bigger throat,' and then she left." (Grand Crew, S01E04)
• Peli Motto (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E03)
• Danny Trejo (The Book of Boba Fett, S01E03)

(The Book of Boba Fett, S01E03)

• "Whew! Father, Son, and Kasey Musgraves over here, baby." (Next Level Chef, S01E03)
• ♫: Elton John – "United We Stand" (Station Eleven, S01E10)
• </Station Eleven, S01>
• "Aquaman fucks fish?" (Peacemaker, S01E01)
• "You're that racist superhero!"
  "No!"
  "You only kill minorities, man!"
  "I killed a fair amount of white people too!"
  "The ratio is suspect, is all I have to say!"
  "If somebody's committing a crime…"
  "Yes?"
  "…am I supposed to control what their ethnicity is?"
  "No. But you need to watch white people as closely as you watch people of color, so you see more of them committing crimes!"
  "Fine. That's, that's a good point. I will trust white people less in the future, and kill a higher percentage of 'em. Are you satisfied?" (Peacemaker, S01E01)
• "What's the op?"
  "Domestic situation, known as Project Butterfly."
  "As I recall, you guys aren't particularly creative with the case file names. Project Starfish was a giant walkin' starfish. So, what, am I fighting a Mothra now? I am? I'm fightin' a Mothra? What the fuck do I fight a Mothra with?" (Peacemaker, S01E01)
• "Her tits are way too big to be sugar tits. Sugar tits are, like, smaller, perkier tits. Like…yours. Uh, technically, I think you may have sugar tits too, but somehow that also feels inappropriate." (Peacemaker, S01E01)
• "Oh, my God, could you at least take you helmet off? You're gonna get dressing all over it."
  "Dressing is easier to get off this helmet than a human lip. That's a fuckin' fact. You want to have a dressing-getting-off contest right now?" (Peacemaker, S01E01)
• "I don't wanna come to your abortion, man." (Peacemaker, S01E01)
• "Hey, I gotta thank you for tonight. I was having a crazy, fucked-up day, but when I was in your pussy back there, I felt, I don't know, fuckin' hope!" (Peacemaker, S01E01)
• "Uh, we both love Cinderella."
  "Seven years, not once have you mentioned Cinderella!"
  "What? I talk about Cinderella at least once a week, Evan! You just never fucking hear me because you're always going on about Coldplay and Foster the fucking People!"
  "Oh, you're gonna put down my musical taste now? How fucking low are you?"
  "'Pumped Up Kicks,' Evan? Do you know what that song is about?" (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• "Arrest me or get the fuck out of here, chopsticks."
  "Yeah, well, we'll be seeing you, fork!"
  "Fork? Why not spoon?"
  "Everybody in the world uses spoons."
  "I mean, spoon would've been more demeaning. Makes it like a baby thing. You know, little babies use spoons."
  "Okay, adults also use spoons, but I get it." (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• "What? I don't even like when my balls are in somebody's mouth, okay? It gives me the wrong type of chills. And all I can think about is how long it's been since I've gotten checked for testicular cancer." (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• "Louis C.K., how he showed people his dick. He, himself."
  "Because he's a ginger?"
  "A fucking… What?"
  "Look, hey, I'm begging you. Will you please, please just look at my crotch? Come on." (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• Chicago VHS (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• "Hey! Holy shit, look at that. It's a funny smiley man." (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• ♫: Santa Cruz – "Drag Me Down" (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• ♫: John Murphy – "Pumped Up Kicks [feat. Ralph Saenz]" (Peacemaker, S01E02)
• "If one of them does become a friend, it should be her, because there's a bunch of rumors going around about you being racist, and, you know, frankly, it's a little embarrassing for me. As if I become a racist by osmosis, even though I mostly kill white people, so…" (Peacemaker, S01E03)
• "Just because that's an unattractive child doesn't mean I wanna kill it." (Peacemaker, S01E03)
• "One thing I'm in favor of, it's two chicks going at it."
  "Oh, geez."
  "What? I'm a fuckin' ally."
  "Having a lesbian haircut doesn't make you an ally."
  "You haven't seen my porn folder, 400 gigs of alliance." (Peacemaker, S01E03)
• "It's Berenstain Bears, not Berenstein Bears." (Peacemaker, S01E03)
• "You remind me of a shit I took last night, only Asian." (Peacemaker, S01E03)
• "Why is it not coming off?"
  "'Cause your blades are dull as fuck, man! Why don't you maintain your torture shit?"
  (Peacemaker, S01E03)