Adam Riff™

24. Guillermo the Vampire Slayer (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)

Honourable Mention

• Adam Cole remake of Bret Hart's old ICOPRO commercial (NXT TakeOver: In Your House, 06 Jun 20)

Stray Observations

• "But I don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable."
  "I got you turnt out like that?" (Insecure, S04E09)
• "Oh, this nani got you so confused." (Insecure, S04E09)
• "I ordered you a light-skinned mimosa. You still like it like that, right?"
  "Yeah. One drop, it is still a mimosa." (Insecure, S04E09)
• "Red Lobster employees" (Insecure, S04E09)
• "But we got two juiceries and we just booked the cycling studio. We in good shape. These blacks about to be well as hell." (Insecure, S04E09)
• "He seemed sometime-y." (Insecure, S04E09)
• "Ooh, I don't know how tall she is, but she fine as hell. Shit, that's my guess. Fine-feet-eleven." (Insecure, S04E09)
• ♫: Little Simz – "Picture Perfect" (I May Destroy You, S01E01)
• "You know I can't socialize after I ejaculate." (I May Destroy You, S01E01)
• "Uh, what's his last name?"
  "Uh… Greenberg?"
  "Mm, Guillermo B… Buillermo?"
  "Yeah, but you assume that's his first name. Could be his last name. He could be called Mickey Guillermo." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "And I've heard there's a lot of nudity. And I mean a lot, and when I say a lot, I don't just mean a whiff of tit, I mean the full rack. Full boobies, full boners." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "Okay, yo tengo un mini-fridge." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "It's Pamela. Pamela's here. It's Pamela. Don't embarrass me." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "This is absurd."
  "That never happened. We would never prance around like tits."
  "This is all shit!"
  "I would never high-five." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "Shut up, Pamela." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "Very clunky rhyme."
  "I think it's a Wu-Tang reference. 'Bring the Ruckus.'"
  "All I know is, I haven't had a whiff of Wu or Tang." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "You escaped, witnesses say, with the help of a Dilbert-looking guy." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "He died because he got confused on daylight savings." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• "Guillermo is much smaller than this. Again, over the top." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• ♫: Los Dug Dug's – "I Don't Care [Yo No Sé]" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• Guillermo de la Cruz = Protector of the Cross (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E10)
• What We Do in the Shadows Season Grade: B
• "Who interrupts Darkseid's quest for the anti-life equation?"
  "Uh, it's…Dr. Psycho."
  "Ah. The dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur that even I dare not utter." (Harley Quinn, S02E11)
• "She chucked the book because she's loca. She's got it tattooed on her lower back next to a Tweety Bird." (Harley Quinn, S02E11)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Great
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

23. A Helping Hand (Ramy, S02E07)

Honourable Mention

• ♫: "Truth Hurts" (Insecure, S04E08)

Stray Observations

• "Do it now, nigga!" (Insecure, S04E08)
• "We have some specials tonight."
  "Oh, Joy, I already know what's special." (Insecure, S04E08)
• "Aw… You just realized you ain't shit, huh?" (Insecure, S04E08)
• "You look like a Lawrence, man." (Insecure, S04E08)
• "Nice to meet you, Mazda." (Insecure, S04E08)
• "So how do you and Issa know each other?"
  "Please don't."
  "We used to get it in. Good times." (Insecure, S04E08)

(Insecure, S04E08)

• "Tonight made me happy."
  "You make me happy." (Insecure, S04E08)
• "Share the invisibility." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• Shoney's (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "You're being crazy."
  "They do it in therapy on TV."
  "Well, TV gives British people prizes for baking, Jerry." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "We love Wendy's. I think they even gave us some money." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "You made me go to a wedding. And you killed my best friend. I shoulda said that one first." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "Ugh, this floor isn't level." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "One theory: I was designed by your father to live with myself, which would mean you made a conscious choice to swallow your dreams with cheap wine and dinosaur pasta." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "You cosplay as you shitty father in his 30s." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "The NX-5 can't destroy Wrangler jeans." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "Cannot penetrate Wranglers. Built too tough. Built…too…tough." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "Saved the day with puppeting. Only one with a decent arc." (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• "Summer put my jeans in a laser!" (Rick and Morty, S04E10)
• Rick and Morty Season Grade: C
• Top Chef Canada Season Grade: C
• "What kind of goat sorcery is this?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E98)
• "They are near. The smell of beef and sulfur is overwhelming."
  "That's just Brooklyn." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "The consensus on Instagram is that we underestimate the importance of self-care." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "I must say, I'm not sure I fully disapprove of this abduction." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)

• "Let us revert to our true form."
  "MILFs. Even better."
  "It's a contrast but something I wouldn't say no to." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "Put those tiny swords down this instant or you'll be removing them from your crusty old tits and dry old asses." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "Five spits for an enemy, Lilith." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "Well, over my undead body will your crispy hands get anywhere near my husband's sperms again." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "Generic European accent." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "With Colin Robinson's semen too." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E09)
• "Commissioner, sir! This came for you."
  "Oh! Gotta be the new Dave Barry book I ordered. Every time I read this guy's stuff I'm like, 'That's pretty funny.'" (Harley Quinn, S02E10)
• "The point is, I'm gonna do what you never could, because you are a pussy."
  "Pussies are powerful. They birthed all of humanity!"
  "I was a C-section." (Harley Quinn, S02E10)
• Tony Hawk (Betty, S01E06)
• "Oh! She's addicted to what that dick did!" (Betty, S01E06)
• Betty Season Grade: D
• "Yeah, I'm not getting married."
  "Come on, man. We know how seriously you've been taking Zainab, bro. You've been talking to her for a month non-stop. You've been leading prayers. You've got prayer beads around your neck."
  "Your posture's better."
  "It's only a matter of time, bro. You're on a Muslim schedule. You're gonna be married within a month." (Ramy, S02E07)
• You're saying strippers are more halal than magicians?"
  "100%. Magicians speak to jinn. Strippers express themselves." (Ramy, S02E07)
• "Like, dude, if you're gonna die or something, I'll, uh, I'll jerk you off." (Ramy, S02E07)
• "You want to jerk me off so you can feel like a like a better Muslim. You're not going to use my cum to wash your sins." (Ramy, S02E07)
• "Do not pray right now."
  "Dude, come on. It's my bachelor party, okay? I can pray before I jerk you off." (Ramy, S02E07)
• "That's my Zainab."
  "But she's…"
  "She's what?"
  "Beautiful. Like Beyoncé." (Ramy, S02E08)
• "My name is Maysa, and I am Ramy's mother. My pronouns are she/her. Does anybody have food allergy or pronouns I should know about?" (Ramy, S02E08)
• "I really like the music your people make, you know?" (Ramy, S02E08)
• "When you're a father, you have to think of everything. When I look at you and your mom and your sister, I want you to enjoy living in the now. I cannot live in the now. I have to live in the future. I have to see what's coming and plan, protect. When you get married, you will have to live in the future." (Ramy, S02E08)
• ♫: Limp Bizkit – "Break Stuff" (Ramy, S02E09)
• "Almond milk? Milk doesn't come from nuts, It comes from tits."
  "I know it's bullshit, but white people love bullshit." (Ramy, S02E09)
• "Look, I'm sorry about your brother. I'm sure he's in heaven, if you have that in Mexico." (Ramy, S02E09)
• ♫: St. Vincent – "Fast Slow Disco" (Ramy, S02E09)
• Fellatio fake-out (Ramy, S02E09)
• "Domino's is just Domino's. It's not really pizza. It's got its own taste." (Ramy, S02E09)
• ♫: Arabic "I Will Survive" (Ramy, S02E09)
• "It's okay. We don't trust the blacks." (Ramy, S02E10)
• "Hi. Amani. Do you remember me?
  "Wow, yes. You were an ugly baby." (Ramy, S02E10)
• "Cairo just got Hobbs and Shaw. Can you believe that?"
  "Wow."
  "Fuck, man. Did those guys deserve that spin‐off or what? I'm so proud of them." (Ramy, S02E10)
• "You can have multiple wives. Yeah, it's a phenomenal hidden feature in our religion."
  "Being a fuckboy is a hidden feature?" (Ramy, S02E10)
• Ramy Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Great
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

22. Planets Only! (Rick and Morty, S04E09)

Honourable Mention

• ♫: "Beneath the Sea" (Harley Quinn, S02E09)
• Mia Khalifa's breast milk (Ramy, S02E04)

Stray Observations

• Alexander Hodge's terrible Mandarin (Insecure, S04E07)
• ♫: 03 Greedo and Kenny Beats – "Soul Food [feat. Buddy]" (Insecure, S04E07)
• ♫: Chris O'Bannon – "S.A.D.D [feat. D. Cut]" (Insecure, S04E07)
• "Hotel room lotion is just for white people." (Insecure, S04E07)
• ♫: Niña Dioz – "Salsa" (Insecure, S04E07)
• "But first, you gotta eat this ass." (Insecure, S04E07)
• "So, uh, where you guys coming from?"
  "Oh, Puerto Vallarta."
  "Dope."
  "Mm-hmm, you?"
  "Uh, Frisco."
  "Oh! 'You got it, dude.'" (Insecure, S04E07)
• "I'm sorry that I never finished your book or saw your talk."
  "It's all fucking bollocks anyway."
  "I was jealous."
  "I know."
  "Fucking asshole. [pause] Show it to me."
  "My asshole?"
  "No, your talk!" (Run, S01E07)
• Run Season Grade: D
• "Oh, my God, grandpa, you fuck boi."
  "I'm not a fuck boi, Summer! There's no way those kids are mine."
  "Wow. At least we know why Rick actually came on the trip – to avoid his fuck guy problems."
  "Why would this person lie?"
  "I don't know, honey. She's addicted to what the Rick did." (Rick and Morty, S04E09)
• "Camping is just being homeless without the change." (Rick and Morty, S04E09)
• "What the hell is that?"
  "The unproductives. Goddamn it! How are there so many of them?"
  "Unproductives?"
  "Yeah, DJs, foodies, influencers. I just re-circulate them through until—shit, they blew a hole in the human resources department!"
  "We gotta fix this, dad. We can't keep recycling them through."
  "I could add an online college workaround."
  "Or just push them out through a pipe in the back."
  "Same thing." (Rick and Morty, S04E09)
• "Pump those cheeks. That's the camping spirit." (Rick and Morty, S04E09)
• "If I die, don't eat my ass." (Rick and Morty, S04E09)
• "I'll handle the off-brand Yahweh." (Rick and Morty, S04E09)
• "You used to feel empowered by me."
  "I used to feel scared." (Mrs. America, S01E09)
• "Still, today, we select our leaders first by eliminating women, then minorities, then those with too little education." (Mrs. America, S01E09)
• Mrs. America Season Grade: C
• "Did you really write 'Come on Eileen'?"
  "Yes, I did. I wrote this melody in 1852. It was called 'Chum on Irene.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)

• "♫ Stroke, stroke, stroke your cock / Hurry, make it cream / Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life could use more cream. ♫"
  "What I love about it is you wouldn't expect it to rhyme 'cream' with 'cream.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "But no one has even heard most of these songs. 'Witches Are Snitches,' 'Horsedrawn Carriage [Full of Ass],' 'Wannabe.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Is that real blood?"
  "I vape it." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Oh, my darling, all of our greatest hits have been songs that really captured the spirit of the time, like, um, the one about the Olympics."
  "Oh, yes."
  "♫ Pole vaulting, long jumping, we're all quite impressed / Tell us, Mr. Hitler, what do you have planned next? ♫" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Are there any places in America that are further away than Delaware?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Listen to me, little man. From Panera Bread you came, and to Panera Bread you shall return." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "♫ My baby's gone, got me feeling so low / My Lindbergh baby, where did he go? ♫" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "You haven't had an original idea since 1925, when you decided to go down on me for the first time in 200 years. Biggest mistake I ever made. You said I tasted like goats' cheese." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "♫ Are you calling from afar? / No, I'm calling from my car / But how can that be? / Electronically / Cellular telephone craze ♫" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "The Seafaring Song" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "I got you this."
  "Aw."
  "It's for beating off purposes." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• ♫: Toots Earl and Etienne Lecomte – "When I Meet My Maker" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "But now it will be a premier resort destination for A-Listers only. Hadids and above." (Harley Quinn, S02E09)
• "Okay! I get it! There's poop everywhere! Look. That was a very compelling argument, with impressive choreography, but I remain unconvinced."
  "Well, how about this? If you don't get married, hundreds of thousands will die, and most likely lead to the extinction of two proud shark bloodlines."
  "Okay, see, that feels like what the song should've been about."
  "Mmm. It's more difficult to find rhyming patterns with that subject matter."
  "Okay, I'll consider marrying Tabitha, but only to stop the two families from warring. Not because I can shit anywhere in the ocean." (Harley Quinn, S02E09)
• "Shit. Which HDMI port did you use?" (Harley Quinn, S02E09)
• "I trust you with my life, but I don't trust you with my heart." (Harley Quinn, S02E09)
• "Your happy trail. It's not happy. It's ecstatic." (Betty, S01E05)
• "For two grand a day, they can cornrow my bush." (Betty, S01E05)
• "Bring me the black girl, the one with the tummy fur." (Betty, S01E05)
• "Right now, you're middle class. Give me low class. Yes, no privileges. Now give me ghetto, ladies! Give me food stamps, WIC vouchers, baby daddy, church lady, bouffant wig, Cardi B, tongue pop, Nene Leakes, plonk, plonk, [clicks tongue]. Yas! Give me trap house. Out of the plantation. Escape to freedom. Escape to freedom, but commercialized. Okay, go get your purple drank, baby." (Betty, S01E05)
• "Shall I eat your pussy?"
  "I…have blood."
  "Which I like in a sausage, but not a pussy." (The Great, S01E08)
• "I will bring wheat every day, and one day, you will piss a crop of baby." (The Great, S01E08)
• "When you're young, you have hope and call it destiny. When you're old, it becomes fate." (The Great, S01E08)
• "Marial, I will not fuck my way to support." (The Great, S01E08)

"I've called for 104 melons." (The Great, S01E08)

• "How else would we know you fucked a horse?"
  "What? I did not."
  "Doesn't matter if you did. Now people think you did. What we discovered, the first lie wins." (The Great, S01E08)
• "Ow! It's a girls' tactic! Girls' tactic!" (The Great, S01E08)
• "Hugo is a delight. And Agnes, I need to fuck against a tree." (The Great, S01E08)
• "We're Russian. We don't give a fuck how many of us die." (The Great, S01E08)
• "Does this mean lunch is canceled?"
  "And me fucking you against a tree – also canceled." (The Great, S01E08)
• "The freedoms you believe in are wonderful. But you need a break, or they will wash your floppy blond self into the sea."
  "She better mean my hair." (The Great, S01E08)
• ♫: Suzi Quatro – "The Wild One" (The Great, S01E08)
• "Snacks and drinks may be your natural role." (The Great, S01E09)
• "The mule kicks pleasantly." (The Great, S01E09)
• "Poor Nick, from…Tartar Land?" (The Great, S01E09)

(The Great, S01E09)

(The Great, S01E09)

• "Loosen a person's ball bag, it seems to loosen their tongue." (The Great, S01E09)
• "It is a flaw for a leader to want love so much." (The Great, S01E09)
• "Remember, think of our glorious future, and not the searing pain in your balls." (The Great, S01E09)
• "Perhaps instead of testing our loyalty, he should just inspire it." (The Great, S01E09)
• "You know, as a young girl in church, I was fascinated by the icons of the saints bleeding. What's it called?"
  "Stigmata."
  "Exactly. And then at 14, my blood came in, and I thought I might be a saint, too. Perhaps all women are saints with their monthly stigmata." (The Great, S01E09)
• "Did you just call me a dumb whore?"
  "I more implied 'smart whore.'" (The Great, S01E09)
• "You apparently cannot eat pussy." (The Great, S01E10)
• "Most women die with an unsaid better idea in their hearts." (The Great, S01E10)
• "Right, Volti?" (The Great, S01E10)
• "I can't kill him in front of Voltaire!" (The Great, S01E10)
• "'It has been fun, and I have liked you a small portion, and enjoyed fucking you, despite being unable to eat pussy well. The noble emperor's love is pure. He is a noble soul who can eat pussy, as you well know. P.S. I was sticking it in Marial's ass most days.'" (The Great, S01E10)
• "You don't know it's a boy."
  "He feels dumb, so I suspect it strongly." (The Great, S01E10)
• "He is my heart."
  "For now. Tomorrow, he is run over by a carriage, fucks another, or catches syphilis in his throat and French kisses it into your mouth and you go mad and die worthlessly."
  "You are an unexpectedly dark character."
  "I would not seek enlightenment if I did not think we all flailed in the dark." (The Great, S01E10)
• "My fate was always you. Yours, always Russia. […] I will haunt you."
  "Promise it. (The Great, S01E10)
• The Great Season Grade: A
• "The sheikh, he's radical, bro. Like, cool radical." (Ramy, S02E01)
• "I only ever think about me, and I hate it." (Ramy, S02E01)
• "Since you ejaculated, have you showered?" (Ramy, S02E01)
• "So you think the hot chocolate might make them Muslim?" (Ramy, S02E02)
• "Is Verizon selling Polos? I'd get one, man. You ever go in the store and see the workers? They look so comfortable." (Ramy, S02E02)
• "Oh, Brother Dennis, every Muslim believes in Jesus." (Ramy, S02E02)
• "Pussy, Muslim. Pussy, Muslim." (Ramy, S02E02)
• "Yeah, I can get us a, like, an Uber or a Lyft. I know both are morally compromised." (Ramy, S02E03)
• "I'm so glad I joined Muslim before I came to prison. You know, we look out
  for each other. We got our own community. I ain't gonna get raped because of Islam, inshallah."
  "Wow, yeah, inshallah, man. That's, um…that's a really good point, I think. That's a beautiful part of the faith, like, we always say that, right?" (Ramy, S02E03)
• "I don't have any water to make wudu, and, uh, I farted back there when we were walking, so I don't even have wudu 'cause of the fart." (Ramy, S02E03)
• "You look at everything as a blessing or a curse, Ramy. The truth is, everything is both. We have to see the blessings in the curses and be wary of the curses in the blessings." (Ramy, S02E03)
• "She doesn't seem to know how to play basketball." (Ramy, S02E03)
• "Okay, obviously the whole Quran is bars, okay? I'm talking about you sleeping on Al‐Rashid specifically, okay? I'm talking about some real lo‐fi, underground recitation, man. I'm talking about just a whole new flavor. Sorta reminds me of when Avicii dropped." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "Arabs hate dogs, Ramy." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "You have a favorite Quran reciter on SoundCloud?" (Ramy, S02E04)
• Mia Khalifa (Ramy, S02E04)
• "Trust me, this man was chosen. He's the LeBron James of praying." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "And I knew that if I drank her breast milk, my body would understand. I cannot jerk off to my own mother."
  "Yeah, that-that's a really good point." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "Muslim countries consume more porn than anyone else. The men who are yelling at me are the same men who are clicking on me." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "I've collected lions, tigers, bears, white people."
  "White people?"
  "I own a few in Minnesota." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "If I were white, I would let her kiss me." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "Ramy, I'm gonna tell you what my teacher told me a long time ago in all her wisdom: I don't know." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "At times, there's a conflict of interest between being a father and a sheikh."
  "Yeah, no, I get that. It's, like, uh, like when LeBron had to be nice to China. You know, like, usually he, like, is really politically active, but he couldn't say anything 'cause of Space Jam." (Ramy, S02E04)
• "No one gets married and has kids without losing their hair." (Ramy, S02E05)
• "This incense was first used by the ancient Egyptians, not the Indians who use it for yoga." (Ramy, S02E05)
• "Are you gonna act like they don't cut clits off where you're from?" (Ramy, S02E05)
• "They were singing loudly the song by that woman Lizard, that one who's happy
  because she's so fat." (Ramy, S02E06)
• "I dropped they off at their home." (Ramy, S02E06)
• "Hello, they." (Ramy, S02E06)
• "English is not my first language, and I am always worried that I will sound silly when I use weird words. I just say what my eyes see, and I see a man wearing, like, a woman's dress, pretending to be a woman, and you say you are not a man, nor a woman, so now, I know that you are nothing." (Ramy, S02E06)
• "We have to call Lyft." (Ramy, S02E06)
• "First, I went to their place and wanted to talk to they." (Ramy, S02E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Great
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

Light summer ahead: