Adam Riff™

17. Roadkill (Dave, S01E09)

Honourable Mention

• Elliot vs. Albanians fight (Gangs of London, S01E01)
• Elliot vs. gypsy butcher fight (Gangs of London, S01E01)
• Grocery Store Ad (Saturday Night Live, S45E17)

Stray Observations

• "I think humanity is a thin layer of bacteria on a ball of mud hurtling through the void. I think if there was a God, he would've given up on us long ago. He gave us a paradise, and we used everything up. We dug up every ounce of energy and burned it. We consume and excrete, use and destroy. Then we sit here on a neat little pile of ashes, having squeezed anything of value out of this planet, and we ask ourselves, 'Why are we here?' You wanna know what I think your purpose is? It's obvious. You're here, along with the rest of us, to speed the entropic death of this planet. To service the chaos. We're maggots eating a corpse." (Westworld, S03E06)
• "Don't pick up nothin' that don't serve you, girl." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "It's uncomfortable but it's, like, good uncomfortable." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "Press my booty button." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "I don't like this. Condola talking to old girl about you. They gonna start a podcast about your dick." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "Look at all this gluten." (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: Zaia – "Waste My Time" (Insecure, S04E02)
• "Hey, y'all wanna buy some chocolate? It's for the homeless."
  "Is it?"
  "Uh-uh." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "There's too much salt."
  "I ain't makin' another roux. We just gonna have to die." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "We have put as many resources as we can towards finding Toyota." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "They never find us." (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: Justice Allah – "Drunk Off Water" (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: KAMAUU – "Far Rockaway" (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: Lake Street Drive – "Just Ask" (Run, S01E02)

(Better Call Saul, S05E10)

• Better Call Saul Season Grade: C
• The Plot Against America Season Grade: C
• "I am once, twice, three times a very happy man."
  "Me too."
  "Sorry, sorry. Inappropriate." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "How are they, dad?"
  "Still very painful. […] Oh, the kids." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "They spell Kids' Club with an apostrophe before the S." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "I mean, it'll be a normal temperature, whatever normal is. Is it 36? It'll be a normal 36, I imagine." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "Cigarette?"
  "No. See, the cigarette's just a MacGuffin. It's the standing still I'm really addicted to." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "We are diverse within ourselves." (Mrs. America, S01E04)
• "Lesbians are welcome. Horizontal hostility is not." (Mrs. America, S01E04)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)

• "Virgins in my area" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Um, ocupado."
  "Yes. Uh, we are just taking a nice shit together." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Calm yourself, dear. You're just feeling a little bit demented, that's all. I'm so sorry about your brain." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Sorry about how demented you are." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "And here it is, the crown jewel of the home: The world's largest collection of Ocean's Twelve memorabilia." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Yeah, it's like, they did some decent world-building in Eleven, but it all pays off in Ocean's Twelve."
  "You need to fucking stop talking about the sea." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "You are a lying piece of old cabbage!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Uh, not now. We are taking a human shit together."
  "Have either of you two seen a jade necklace containing the bloodcurdling screams of my dead mother in here?"
  "Eh… Oh, maybe check behind the Andy Garcia cross-stitch." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "I'll go get my head-ripping gloves." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "She was such a brilliant LARPer." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Oh, that's the one where George Clooney's the fox, right?"
  "No, no no. Breaking Bad is a TV show. It's, like, about meth. You're thinking of Fantastic Mr. Fox." (Dave, S01E09)
• "You know I can ejaculate hands-free?"
  "Well, sounds like you don't need me then for your, uh, Bluetooth orgasm."
  "I'm not gonna do it right now. I'm gonna let the cream brew." (Dave, S01E09)
• "♫ Fuck hikes / Fuck hikes / They really hurt my back ♫"
  "You know it sounds like you're saying 'fuck Jews,' right?" (Dave, S01E09)

(Dave, S01E09)

(Dave, S01E09)

• "I re-invented diarrhea." (Dave, S01E09)
• "Okay, first of all, he's a horse, so he can't be condescending." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• "Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• "Charles, meet Mac. Short for McClane."
  "As in Shirley? I love it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• "Mommy brain much?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C
• Ruben Rabasa (Better Things, S04E09)
• "So beautiful. It reminds me of my mother."
  "Okay, everyone into the ice vagina." (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "Four minutes early. Perfect. Eager, but not desperate." (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "I'm so cold, my nuts are the size of Dippin' Dots!" (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "Wait, you're telling me aioli is just mayo mixed with something else?"
  "A little bit of an industry secret." (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "And then, we can give your healthy blood to your wife."
  "[imitating Borat] 'Your wife!'" (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "And you did all that on your own? What was it, six of them?"
  "Uh, eight. But I had a dart, so…" (Gangs of London, S01E01)

(Gangs of London, S01E05)

(Gangs of London, S01E05)

(Gangs of London, S01E07)

• "I feel nothing, nothing at all."
  "At least honor his death with satisfaction." (Gangs of London, S01E09)
• Gangs of London Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Watchmen
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Dave

16. Kim's Convenience (Better Call Saul, S05E09)

Stray Observations

• Marshawn Lynch saying "Little Lord Fauntleroy" (Westworld, S03E05)
• ♫: The Classic Rock String Quartet – "Space Oddity" (Westworld, S03E05)
• "The right information at the right time is deadlier than any weapon." (Westworld, S03E05)
• ♫: REDRUMER – "The Shining" (Westworld, S03E05)
• ♫: Fischerspooner – "Emerge" (Westworld, S03E05)
• "Not today, dairy-free bitch." (Insecure, S04E01)
• ♫: Saweetie – "Tip Toes [feat. Quavo]" (Insecure, S04E01)
• "Damn, that missionary really be hittin', though." (Insecure, S04E01)
• "Hey, welcome to a full-sized nigga." (Insecure, S04E01)
• "I bet you own all your own clothes, don't you?"
  "True. Oh, Lawrence, pop the tags. Pop the tags." (Insecure, S04E01)
• "Mama got ass too." (Insecure, S04E01)
• "Okay, this is like watching a live conference call and I can't take it." (Insecure, S04E01)
• "I see you put TSA bae to work." (Insecure, S04E01)
• "Brrat!" (Insecure, S04E01)
• "There will be no nasty after-party." (Insecure, S04E01)
• ♫: Feist – "I'm Not Running Away" (Run, S01E01)
• "I'm chill. I'm Mr. Chablis." (Breeders, S01E08)
• "It is just that… Well, with more money, we can go on, like, nicer holidays and things."
  "Mm, Disneyland."
  "Mm."
  "Paris." (Breeders, S01E08)
• Briarpatch Season Grade: C
• ♫: Mama Cass Elliot – "Make Your Own Kind of Music" (Mrs. America, S01E01)
• ♫: Etta James – "Tell Mama" (Mrs. America, S01E02)
• "Revolutions are messy. People get left behind." (Mrs. America, S01E02)
• ♫: The Kinks – "This Time Tomorrow" (Mrs. America, S01E02)
• "Power concedes nothing." (Mrs. America, S01E03)
• Scatting necromancer Benedict Wong (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E01)
• "He's gonna eat me! Dios mío!"
  "Well, now he's speaking in tongues." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E01)
• "No one bites Guillermo!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E01)
• "Several? You saw one Bababook [sic]." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E02)
• "It sort of looks like updog." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E02)

(Dave, S01E08)

(Dave, S01E08)

• "I just learned you're supposed to call Hispanic people La-tinx." (Dave, S01E08)
• "Well, I'm working on an album."
  "That's great."
  "It's called Penith." (Dave, S01E08)
• "Somebody lay me down, pour buttermilk all over me, dust me in a light dusting of corn flakes, front-flip me into a deep fryer, spit on my asshole, flip me back around, shove wasabi up my dickhole, put fucking sashimi all over me, light me on fire, gently blow me off and lick down like my body's a maze 'til you get to the bottom, right about there, and I want you to suck me, right now. What's up, man? Benny Blanco." (Dave, S01E08)
• "You guys actually kinda look like brothers."
  "That's 'cause we're both Jewish." (Dave, S01E08)
• Milking table callback (Dave, S01E08)
• "Somebody lay me down, sous vide me in my own juices, light up a hibachi grill, put a little bit of my breast into a pepper mill, pepper me with my own tits, and suck me. What's up, man?"
  "Hey, man."
  "I'm gonna come down to you. Just meet me behind the fourth ping pong table." (Dave, S01E08)
• ♫: Saba – "LIFE" (Dave, S01E08)
• "The Second Coming" by William Butler Yeats (Devs, S01E08)
• "She committed the original sin: Disobedience." (Devs, S01E08)
• Devs Deus Season Grade: C
• "It just doesn't seem like he should be that fast for how big he is. Gah, I hate Wario." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E12)
• "Oh, Kevin's here. And you both look so upset. Oh, no, did they stop funding the arts?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E12)
• "He wants to buy the domain workplacebonebuds.com off of you."
  "That's amazing! I can't believe you found someone else who runs a bone broth company with a co-worker. What are the odds?"
  "No, obviously he wants to make a website that helps people hook up with their co-workers."
  "I don't see it."
  "Charles. It's called workplacebonebuds.com."
  "All I hear is friendship and broth." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E12)
• "You can't beat Wario?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E12)
• "You took the wrong fluffy boy!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E12)
• "How do you know so much about Persian history?"
  "Ubers." (Better Things, S04E08)
• ♫: Denitia – "Skin and Bones" (Better Things, S04E08)
• ♫: Deer Tick – "Old Lady" (Better Things, S04E08)
• "How did I miss that?"
  "Well, it certainly wasn't because you were attending my one man performance of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking."
  "I went! He's no Vanessa Redgrave."
  "I had my own take!" (Harley Quinn, S02E03)
• "Nets! The sworn enemy of the kite! Along with a mild summer." (Harley Quinn, S02E03)
• "Jews are white, Jews are white."
  "There are parts of Belgium I can't walk through!" (#blackAF, S01E01)
• "Hey, if you two are interested, I bet there's still a couple yurts available."
  "Yurt? Spell that."
  "It's like a tent, you know?"
  "Oh. Just say 'tent.'"
  "But the correct way is 'yurt.' It's disrespectful to, uh, certain people."
  "Who?"
  "Um, aboriginal, I believe."
  "You're just going to an aboriginal San Franciscan camping trip?" (#blackAF, S01E01)
• "Oh, I love Cardi B. Oh, my God, that song with Maroon 5." (#blackAF, S01E01)
• "All of a sudden, there's no lunch with Jeffrey Katzenberg, then we live in Van Nuys." (#blackAF, S01E02)
• Bixby / Samsung Galaxy Folds (#blackAF, S01E03)
• "The freedom cake needs time to rise up." (#blackAF, S01E03)
• "I have so little in my life. Just let me watch Top Boy alone." (#blackAF, S01E04)
• "If I ask you right now, name an amazing black dad…"
  "Uh… Cosby."
  "No. No. But if I asked you to name an amazing black mom…"
  "Then I would say Michelle Obama. Hello?"
  "Beyoncé."
  "I love Serena Williams too."
  "And Jada Pinkett Smith."
  "Moms Mabley. Moms Mabley, her name— She has 'Moms' in her name!"
  "All good examples except that. But yes, she probably was, you know, actually, to be fair." (#blackAF, S01E04)
• "Because I took a really small hit on my, you know, medically prescribed bliss:dosist pen. And the next thing I know, I'm being questioned by fucking Hispanic and Asian cops for 35 minutes." (#blackAF, S01E04)
• "So look, this thing I want you to remember: The danger is real, but the fear you're having is a choice. Heard that before?"
  "Isn't it that that old guy in that Jaden Smith movie?"
  "Uh, that old guy is an amazing actor and even more amazing black father, Will Smith. He did a movie with his son. He could have done it with a real actor, but he did it with his son. He lent his overwhelming, international box office appeal to his son, so that when domestic audiences were repelled by his son, international audiences would embrace him and thusly, make the movie be seen as a success, giving birth to the pink-haired, eyebrow-less wonder you know as Jaden Smith. That's what you do as a father. When people are repelled by your son, like this team is repelled by you, I lend my success to you." (#blackAF, S01E04)
• "So, is the reason why you're wearing a Mr. T level amount of jewelry because of slavery too?"
  "It's a Pusha T level of jewelry, but yeah, it is." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "I see you got your titties." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "It's a nigga, right? Like, a real nigga. Sometimes they have like Taye Diggs as a nigga. He ain't no nigga." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "I understand the conceit of Juwanna Mann. I get it."
  "So you know why that shit hard."
  "No."
  "Nigga, it's your classic comedy about a man putting on a wig. Tootsie. Some Like It Hot. Nigga, Mrs. Doubtfire. Rest in peace, Robin Williams."
  "Dawg, those are fucking classics. Like, bangers."
  "Why? 'Cause they white? Them shits ain't nothing but white Juwanna Manns." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "Is it my fault that they can't dance?"
  "Oh, of course it's your fault. You're the whitest person I know."
  "What? Don't— You're the whitest person I know."
  "That's such a white clapback."
  "You're a white clapback."
  "Great. That was— Wow."
  "That was not good. I know, I know." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "I feel like she's been stealing money out of my wallet."
  "She might have been, but she knows what's up culturally." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "Black-ish seems to tap into the hearts and minds of 55-year-old white women." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "They don't think I should have called the ship the SS Diabetes. They felt like that was on the nose. So, if black joy is used to tell the story of a tap-dancing fry cook on the Death Star, then let it be known." (#blackAF, S01E05)
• "You're the hero this family deserves, like a real hero. You're Malcolm X, you're James Baldwin. You're Latrell Sprewell choking PJ Carlesimo. You're that old white dude who landed the plane in the Hudson, although he's not really a hero. He kinda just crashed good." (#blackAF, S01E06)
• "You made chili con quiles?" (#blackAF, S01E06)
• David Alan Grier (#blackAF, S01E06)

(#blackAF, S01E06)

• "Of course we care."
  "It's just not hilarious." (#blackAF, S01E06)
• "You keep us hostage to your wokeness." (#blackAF, S01E06)
• "Their name is Caitlin, right? That's how we's to be." (#blackAF, S01E06)
• "Maybe she's just an attention whore."
  "Dawg, do you have to call my wife a whore?"
  "Oh, okay, then. I just thought that 'attention bitch' would be so much more disrespectful, but I don't know y'all relationship." (#blackAF, S01E06)
• "Guys, that was just my friend who used to do lean." (#blackAF, S01E06)
• "I don't even recognize you sometimes."
  "I had a tiny bit of contouring." (#blackAF, S01E06)
• "Bahamas is like the fucking Orlando of the Caribbean." (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "Name one beautiful place in Puerto Rico." (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "If you love your life, we're not going to DR."
  "Why?"
  "Because I'm not willing to die 'of natural causes' as my heart explodes out of my chest." (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "Costa Rica. It's the place Nelly Furtado went to go get cured of AIDS." (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "You know what Jamaica is? It's an island that has broken glass everywhere, just little pieces shattered all over the ground. I think Jamaica actually means 'island of broken glass.'" (#blackAF, S01E07)
• ♫: Clipse – "Kinda Like a Big Deal [feat. Kanye West]" (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "Sir White-a-Lot." (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "You're a Jamaican dude. You wanna marry a Swedish model and move to Pasadena? That's what your kid's gonna look like. Remember that." (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "Sometimes it seems like being white is the hardest fucking thing in the world to be. Can't even be in the sun. Like, what kind of fucked up evolutionary trait is that? The sun? How are there so many of them? How have they lasted this long? On top!" (#blackAF, S01E07)
• "Beatific smile? Barack has smoker's lip. Shit, that's why he was my president. You think I wasn't gonna vote for somebody who smoke Newports and blunts?" (#blackAF, S01E07)
• A book event in Fiji (#blackAF, S01E08)
• Kenya "dude"-ing his wife (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "I wanted to know how Jim Henson went out." (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "Fiji Tinder got hella dicks." (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "A whole race of people that the sun hates. The sun is their number one enemy. The thing that gives this planet life takes theirs away." (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "Pasadena niggas are weird as fuck, dude." (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "You guys don't fuck with Jason Mraz?" (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "Yo, I used to kill that shit."
  "You used to kill Spin the Bottle?" (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "I like that shirt too."
  "It's TJ Maxx." (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "Dad, help her!"
  "I'm going! This is silk! This is silk!" (#blackAF, S01E08)
• Kenya watching Black-ish (#blackAF, S01E08)
• "Families need to fight. Just like countries fight to build a better world, families fight to better each other. It's healthy. You only really have to start worrying when the fighting stops." (#blackAF, S01E08)
• #blackAF Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Watchmen
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Dave