Melbourne's premier destination for colonic irrigation services

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// Melbourne, VIC, Australia

John Batman (21 January 1801 – 6 May 1839) was an Australian grazier, entrepreneur and explorer.

He is best known for his role in the founding of the settlement on the Yarra River which became the city of Melbourne.

When he found the current site of central Melbourne, he noted in his diary of 8 June 1835, "This will be the place for a village" and declared the land "Batmania."

Places named after John Batman
Batman Bridge (Tasmania)
Division of Batman (Victorian electoral division)
Batman Park (Melbourne CBD)
Batman's Hill (Melbourne CBD)
Batman railway station, Melbourne (North Coburg, Victoria)
Batman Avenue, Melbourne
Batman Close, Thornton, New South Wales
Batman Lane, Surry Hills, New South Wales
Batman Road, Eltham
Batman Street, Burnside Heights
Batman Walk, Parramatta
Batman Drive, Melton West
Batman Gardens, Sandringham

Sexyland – really?

Idea: Is it a bar/restaurant in Melbourne or an album by a Perry Farrell band?

1. Jane's Addiction
2. Caz Reitop's Dirty Secrets
3. Good God's Urge
4. Mr. Wow's Emporium
5. A Cabinet of Curiosities
6. Naked for Satan
7. Porno for Pyros

Two minutes from Massive Wieners in Prahran is Pablo's Escoburgers.

Its Patron burger is garnished with a line of white garlic powder and a rolled-up faux $100 bill.

What's the story behind how Bludso's Bar and Que in Los Angeles has an outpost in Melbourne?

The casino in Melbourne contains a ludicrous number of roulette tables.

Meanwhile, across three(!) floors of casino, I found one craps table, inside the "Vegas Room."

It's "Vegas" because it's scented and dealers are dressed in street clothes.

Melbourne Central: Let's enclose a 19th century shot tower in a 21st century shopping centre.

South Melbourne: Hold my Foster's.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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13. CrazySexyCool (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E20)

Honourable Mention

  • Eliot × The Pretenders (The Magicians, S04E10)

Stray Observations

  • Katt Williams (Black-ish, S05E16)
  • Miracle Workers Season Grade: D
  • "Look who's up: Trump and Aunt Lydia." (The Magicians, S04E10)
  • "Last night, there were all these people down there, shouting and screaming, half-drunk."
    "Where did they find the alcohol?"
    "No, they were half-drunk. They'd been half drunk. Please, finish a whole victim before moving on to a next one, okay?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "I was the most handsome man in our village."
    "His village was very badly affected by leprosy and the plague." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "So deliciously macabre. Creepy paper."
    "It's crepe paper."
    "Creepy paper."
    "It's crepe paper, master."
    "Creepy—oh, multi-pack." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "I must slumber. But when I awaken, we will rule this Staten Island." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "Chase is up next right after Katy Perry."
    "Oh, shit. We have to hurry. Oh! Wait, is she doing music or comedy?"
    "Comedy."
    "Oh. Okay, so we have a while." (The Other Two, S01E10)
  • "Anna Kendrick plays our mom. Debra Messing plays our grandma."
    "Oh, Debra…" (The Other Two, S01E10)
  • "What is Twitter saying?"
    "Uum, that we're fucked. Every tweet is bad. The Burger King account is, like, ripping him apart." (The Other Two, S01E10)
  • The Other Two Season Grade: B
  • "So What'cha Want" video (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E20)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Looking forward:

Business is about to pick up.

No Netflix shows for now.

Stay Alert Stay Alive

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// Melbourne, VIC, Australia

Melbourne reminds me of Vancouver, BC, Canada – a city for white people filled with Asian people.

The architecture in metro Melbourne is wild. It's like city planners gave every student at a school of design a block on which to build anything of their imagining.

I keep reading "CBD" (Central Business District) as "cannabidiol." CBD Bakery. CBD Kebabs.

Among Melbourne's restaurants are ones named "Lucy Liu" and "Sonny Chiba." Just need one named "Chiaki Kuriyama" for a Kill Bill triumvirate.

Australia really be putting chicken and beef in sushi rolls.

Also: A sausage roll is sausage rolled in puff pastry, whereas a bacon and egg roll is a sandwich. The more you know.

Is a sausage roll a sandwich?

What is that supposed to be? Display malfunction? Dead pixels?

I later learn that it denotes "right turn from left lane only."

Just drive on the right, ffs.

Melbourne is home to the world's largest IMAX screen. It's showing Inception on Thursday and a Terminator/Terminator 2 double feature on Friday, but I'm not feeling either.

[browsing local showtimes for Us]

What does "LUX" mean?

HOYTS LUX is our premium dine in cinema experience, with a bespoke luxury menu designed by Manu Feildel, a premium wine selection and comfort with cutting edge sounds and visuals.

Our HOYTS LUX cinemas are optimised for luxury over capacity, meaning you can avoid the crowds and enjoy the latest blockbusters on your special night out.

$45.00 for one LUX ticket?! Does that include food?

Nope.

"Classic Cheeseburger: $29."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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12. Split (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E11)

Stray Observations

  • Killian (You're the Worst, S05E11)
  • "I've never felt this way about anyone. Not even Dave Navarro." (You're the Worst, S05E11)
  • ♫: Birdlegs and Pauline – "Mist of a Dream" (You're the Worst, S05E11)
  • Rice conversation (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E11)
  • "You can have my toilet." (Better Things, S03E04)
  • "This might be a bad time, but I remember now. You did eat my butt." (The Other Two, S01E09)
  • "Don't you dare tell anyone I'm dating my butt." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E19)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Discount Chemist

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// Byron Bay, NSW, Australia

The holiday park I'm staying at offers free wifi, but only 200MB a day.

"4-star hotel" per Google.

You can add 2GB for 24 hours on one device for $9.95.

Fortunately, I bought a 25GB 4G SIM card for my mobile before arriving.

Unfortunately, switching SIM cards has complicated two factor authentication.

Dinner at (Barrio):

A 10% surcharge on public holidays? To compensate for being short-staffed?

"Would you like some bread?"
"Sure."

When the check arrives, I discover that what I assumed were two slices of complimentary bread cost $5.00.

She offered me a starter?!

"There is a 1.5% surcharge for paying with a credit card."

[pause]

Fortunately, USD is currently ~28% stronger than AUD.

"Would you like to add a tip?"

I thought I didn't have to tip in Australia?

I google "tipping in Australia."

"In Australia, a standard 10% is voluntarily given for good service."

Well, she made me feel like a lummox during my meal, but she's also looking right at me.

I tip 10%.

At least it's not a public holiday.

On my ride to (Barrio), I discover that my Uber rating dropped from 4.83 to 4.80.

Was it that driver in Las Vegas who I cancelled on because he was taking too long and who then accepted my replacement ride request? Is it because his cancellation fee was refunded?

0.3 is a notable drop. Can one man have all that power?

I hope my rating doesn't drop further while I'm in Australia because of only tipping drivers $1.00.

I browse menus for other local restaurants.

"A 10% surcharge applies on Sunday and 15% on public holidays."

Damn, Sundays too?

Brunch at (Barrio):

"Would you like piri piri sauce with your sausage roll?"
"Sure."

Wait, is she gonna…?

[adds $1.00 for sauce]

Yep.

UPDATE

Dinner at (Raes):

"Would you like still or sparkling water?"

I normally answer "still," but on a whim opt for sparkling.

When the check arrives, I discover that what I assumed were two glasses of complimentary sparkling water cost $10.00 – twice as much as my one glass of cola.

I should have known when I saw the S.Pellegrino bottle.

Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 7

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March 2019
sparrow and wolf / the buffet at wynn / esther's kitchen / the buffet at wynn / tacos el gordo / sweets raku / bacchanal buffet / paid in full / the buffet at wynn / bajamar seafood and tacos / bin 702 / b.b.d.'s / the buffet at wynn / ghost donkey / best friend / eataly / the buffet at wynn / secret pizza


Hot Potato (Sparrow and Wolf)
potato pave, smoked trout roe, chive crème fraîche, sichuan peppercorn

^ I expected it to be crispier.

Steak Tartare (Sparrow and Wolf)
shiitake mushroom, kizami wasabi, confit egg

Braised Lamb Neck (Sparrow and Wolf)
scallion pancakes, pickled vegetable
—Served with fabulous pickled apple.


Caramelized White Chocolate Terrine (Sparrow and Wolf)
flourless chocolate cake, ras el hanout pear butter

(Esther's Kitchen) was named one of Las Vegas' 2018 restaurants of the year.

I was not impressed.

To be fair, I informed my server that I was gonna over order and would probably box up a lot of what I ordered to go, and he heard "I want my order to go," so I did not experience (Esther's Kitchen)'s food properly, consuming it inside the restaurant out of to-go boxes.

Housemade Sourdough Bread (Esther's Kitchen)
anchovy garlic butter
—Butter was good, bread was not warm.

Rye Tagliatelle (Esther's Kitchen)
braised duck, mushroom, green, cracklins
—Did the cracklins get soggy?

Blood Orange Polenta Cake (Esther's Kitchen)
candied kumquats, orange sherbet and caramel

Octopus Chicharron Taco (BajaMar Seafood and Tacos)
lightly-battered fried octopus with pickled onions, cream of tomatillo sauce, cilantro, mozzarella
—The texture of the tortilla was odd. Not soft, but not hard, and not stale.

(Paid in Full) is a rare case of a restaurant improving on second visit.


Tuna/Tots (Paid in Full)
wasabi kewpie, scallion, rice cracker

^ Two of my favourites, raw tuna and tater tots, together.


Crispy Tapioca "Cacio e Pepe" (Paid in Full)
aged parm, tellicherry peppercorn


The P.i.F. Dog [100% Wagyu Beef Katsu Style] (Paid in Full)
katsu sauce, garlic kewpie, house kimchi

^ This thing that tastes like a hot dog is wagyu beef?

Tatooine Sea Breeze (Paid in Full)
cranberry pok pok som, cranberry juice, sprite
—I have become someone who enjoys drinking vinegar.

The Jawa Family Reunion (Paid in Full)
apple pok pok som, apple juice, ginger beer


Okinawan Taco Rice (Paid in Full)
seasoned ground chuck, cheddar, border sauce

^ The Doritos were a curveball.


Flamin' Hot Cheeto Montadito (Bin 702)
house spread, white cheddar

^ I'd eat another one.


Flamin' Hot Cheeto-Crusted Pickle (Bin 702)

^ The Cheeto crust doesn't add anything.

Hot Chicken Piña Colada Sandwich (b.B.d.'s)
spicy fried chicken, house-made piña colada mayo, dill pickles on a sesame seed bun

^ I couldn't discern the piña colada mayo.


Passion Fruit Sunflower (b.B.d.'s)
elderflower, black sesame meringue, pastry cream, sea salt

In addition to a secret pizzeria, The Cosmopolitan now boasts a secret bar that offers nachos especiales such as


Carrot Nachos (Ghost Donkey)
carrot "chili," carrot habanero hot sauce, mezcal pickled carrots, cilantro

I love everything about (Best Friend) except its food. I love its liquor store front concealing a dining room that you enter through industrial strip doors. I love the #008000 tracksuits and #CC8899 jackets that its employees wear. I love drinking from what appears to be a #FF0000 Solo cup.

But its food…

Slippery Shrimp (Best Friend)
crispy rock shrimp, chili mayo, walnuts
—A bland version of (Yang Chow [in Los Angeles])' famous dish.

The Big E from the O.C. (Best Friend)
kimchi fried rice arancini, ikura, ponzu
—Didn't taste like anything.

Shaking Beef Saltado (Best Friend)
filet strips, fries, onions, peppers, cilantro
—The beef was cooked well…

Bomboloni Gianduja (Eataly)
filled with nutella spread

MISSED CONNECTIONS


Wood Fired Lasagna (Sparrow and Wolf)
lamb bolognese, miso, burrata

Chili Cheese Spaghetti (Best Friend)
beef chili, onions, tabasco
—$33 Skyline.

Hundred Dolla Tostada (Best Friend)
kaluga caviar, crema, salsa


Mexican Street Corn Ravioli (Beauty and Essex)
roasted poblano creme, jalapeño, cotija, cilantro

Oxtail Bibimbap (Once)
black mint stew, tacu tacu, plantains, sunny side up egg

Butterscotch Cake (Yardbird)
bacon frosting, butterscotch sauce, vanilla ice cream


Cheesecake Challenge (Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen and Bar)
a new york-style marble cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels, and hot fudge

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

11. Guy Fawkes Panel (Kraft Punk's Political Party)

The panelist in the red hat is my friend's brother.

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Brockhampton – "San Marcos" (Shameless, S09E14)
  • Shameless Season Grade: C
  • Crashing Season Grade: C
  • "This is when it pays to have a little dick." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E10)
  • Jon Glaser Loves Gear Season Grade: C
  • "I'm Harold, the herald of the East River Dragon. I responded to a confusingly-worded 'help wanted' ad." (The Magicians, S04E08)
  • "I met Sean Parker at an Arby's." (The Magicians, S04E08)
  • Top Chef: Kentucky Season Grade: C
  • Directed by Jord (You're the Worst, S05E10)
  • "I don't leave America until I meet the boy, and I come from white country. I have veeeery long visa. Veeeery long." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E10)
  • "I'm too sad to drink duck broth." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E10)
  • "Just give him a second. He's doing Call Me By Your Name." (The Other Two, S01E08)
  • "What's the point of a flat Earth, man?"
    "What's the point of a globe Earth?" (Kraft Punk's Political Party)
  • "Just wrapping up a documentary on CBD oil." (Kraft Punk's Political Party)
  • Rachel Dolezal (Kraft Punk's Political Party)
  • Boogie Nights ending (Kraft Punk's Political Party)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

See You At Your Funeral

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I was supposed to leave for Australia today, but I postponed my flight so I could see Us on opening weekend.

But then Universal postponed Us' release a week to accommodate a world premiere at SXSW.

So now Us doesn't open until next Friday, when I'll be in Australia, where Us doesn't open until the following Friday.

Can I survive a week on social media out of the Us loop?

Fuckin' SXSW…