Adam Riff™

22. Big Lair (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

• Dane Cook singing "The Weight" while being fellated (American Gods, S01E04)
• Audrey and Laura in the bathroom (American Gods, S01E04)
• Is Jessica Simpson okay? (Ellen, 05-22-17)
• Joe makes love to a life-size cardboard cutout of his dead wife (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E01)

Stray Observations

• "Say 'hello' to my 50/50 blend." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
• "Teddy, unzip my pickle." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
• Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
• "'T.A. Cobell.' His name was Taco Bell?" (Making History, S01E09)
• Making History Season Grade: C-

(American Gods, S01E04)

• ♫: Apocalyptica – Metallica's "Wherever I May Roam" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
• ♫: Gravediggaz – "1-800-Suicide" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
• Michael Bisping (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
• Max Perlich (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
• "Ohh, you're nice and wet." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
• ♫: Chromatics playing the roadhouse – "Shadow" (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
• "James is still cool. He's always been cool." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
• "Hey, what do you think of my tie? I designed it myself. I call it 'Yoloha.' It's a combination of 'YOLO' and 'aloha.'"
  "Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad, which is a combination of 'retarded' and 'sad.'" (Veep, S06E06)
• Sudanese boy wearing a Jonah Ryan for U.S. Congress shirt (Veep, S06E06)
• "Put Wisconsin at the top of my shit list."
  "You want me to bump Sammy Hagar?"
  "Make them 1A and 1B." (Veep, S06E06)
• "You look like the world's least fucked geisha." (Veep, S06E06)
• "Could you tell the Colossus of Chodes that this is the exact same goddamn office?" (Veep, S06E06)
• Gina's list of baby names (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
• "Who's the father?"
  "I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which bars me from revealing his identity."
  "Wait, is he famous?"
  "Is it Batali?"
  "Charles, she can't say. Is it Batali?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
• "The daddy's a Property Brother, isn't he? It's a Property Baby." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
• Ryan Phillippe (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
• "Pizza Rat, dead tonight at the age of four." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
• "It's like an Eagles concert down there – nothing but whites." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
• "Please don't address the jury, Mr. Peralta.
  "But, but, but…"
  "One more 'but' and you will be in contempt."
  "One More Butt and You're in Contempt – name of your sex tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
• Scott Aukerman (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
• Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C
• Robin Leach and Vicki Lawrence (Great News, S01E09)

(Great News, S01E09)

• "You need to get back on the horse, like when you were going through your chunky phase and you broke that pony's back at the fair. Did I let you quit? No. I made you get back on another pony and they had to put two ponies down that day." (Great News, S01E10)
• "Gram is mean A-F. That's a Twitter term, which I can only assume stands for 'mean as Frankenstein.' There is another term, D-T-F: 'Don't touch Frankenstein,' to which I usually just reply W-T-F: 'Won't touch Frankenstein.'" (Great News, S01E10)
• Great News Season Grade: C-
• "You have to wear it until he's gone." (The Americans, S05E12)
• Oleg exteriors filmed on location in Moscow (The Americans, S05E12)
• ♫: Cigarettes After Sex – "Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E07)
• "Shouldn't we… I'm just saying… A more cautious approach. Why not?"
  "Because the shallow end of the pool is where the turds float." (Fargo, S03E06)
• Varga googles beside a portrait of Stalin, quotes Lenin (Fargo, S03E06)
• "There's been an accident."
  "Things of consequence rarely happen by accident." (Fargo, S03E06)
• "Did anyone see you?"
  "I'm so rarely seen, maybe I don't even exist." (Fargo, S03E06)
• Archer Season Grade: F
• "When I reach for Scripture, I go for the Book of Job, Psalm 69." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)

"I changed Pepe the Frog into a rabbi." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

• "We should change our name from the White Warlocks to the White Jewlocks." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
• "The Torah says we must take an eye for an eye."
  "You mean an oy for an oy." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
• "I say to hell with forgiveness! Let's kill Neon Joe and leave a nice long trail of goy blood, and then repent for the whole thing on Yom Kippur!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
• "Oi, oi, get that goy!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

(Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

• "You show that moon there's more than one glowing cube with dangling nuts in this town." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
• "Yoo-hoo! Hey, moon! Look at me! Come and get me! I'm a sexy cube too!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
• "I can't believe Turgalak dead. He's supposed to be all-knowing and invincible. First time I met him, he had a burrito waiting for me, knew exactly how I like it: Chorizo and rice, refried bean, sour cream on the side, little salsa verde, pico de gallo, chips and guac, watermelon agua fresca with just a little bit of ice… He even knew that I liked the flour tortilla rather than corn." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
• "The prophecy says if a werewolf eats the cube's nuts, he will gain its power and rule the world." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
• "I don't care that you look like a man. You still got a 'giney, and I speak 'ginese." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
• "I'm lubed up and ready, moon!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
• "I see somebody's been keeping you company while I was gone."
  "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got the paper cuts on my dick to prove it. Took a while for them to scab up on account of they don't really make Band-Aid for the penile region. Doing them, you know, the knuckle Band-Aid, that work good, but then I gotta, like, pull it down to pee, pull it back up. I went through a whole lotta Band-Aid." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
• "Oh, babe… You know that I would've used all the dick Band-Aids in the world if I thought I could've saved you." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
• Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: American Gods
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

21. World's Best Dad! (Fargo, S03E05)

Honourable Mention

• Gay Muslim salesman/genie sex scene (American Gods, S01E03)
• Confrontation with the Granholms (The Americans, S05E11)
• Rap Song (Saturday Night Live, S42E21)
• Uber ride home (Master of None, S02E05)

Stray Observations

• Scott Thompson (American Gods, S01E03)
• "That woman thinks Jesus suffered for her sins. They're her sins. Why should Jesus do all the suffering?"
  "'Cause his dad sacrificed his ass."
  "Don't blame the parent. Plenty of suffering and blame to go around, although that white Jesus, well, could stand a little more suffering. He's doing very well for himself these days."
  "And how many colours does Jesus come in?"
  "Why, you got your white Jesuit-style Jesus, you got your black African Jesus, you got your brown Mexican Jesus, you got your swarthy Greek Jesus, you've got—"
  "Well, that's a, that's a lot of Jesus."
  "There's a lot of need for Jesus, so, there's a lot of Jesus." (American Gods, S01E03)
• "This is the only country in the world that wonders what it is."
  "You've been to a lot of other countries, have you?"
  "No, no, never, just this one. Just that the others know what they are. I mean, no one wonders about the heart of Norway or goes searching for the soul of Mozambique. Mozambique knows what it is. They all know what they are."
  "Americans know who they are."
  "They pretend they know." (American Gods, S01E03)
• ♫: Brian Reitzell and Mark Lanegan – "St. James Infirmary Blues" (American Gods, S01E03)
• RT: did you notice the ACN [from THE NEWSROOM] logo? (The Leftovers, S03E05)
• "He wasn't my son."
  "You're denying paternity?!"
  "Mary's word versus mine." (The Leftovers, S03E05)
• "That's the guy I was telling you about." (The Leftovers, S03E05)

(The Leftovers, S03E05)

• "Trigger warning: Fuck you!" (Silicon Valley, S04E04)
• "American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt!" (Veep, S06E05)
• "You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby." (Veep, S06E05)
• "What does Rumpleforeskin want?" (Veep, S06E05)
• "You want me to just say, 'Cowabunga, mom!'?"
  "Oh, yes, that would be awesome."
  "Well, it's not gonna happen. Alas, we are not cowabunga people." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
• "Cowabunga, mother!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
• "It's easy to look at this place and think we're rich now, like that half-naked Scottish duck you boys love." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
• Chris Elliott (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
• Fresh Off The Boat Season Grade: C-
• "I understand why you think some little game is newsworthy, since your last job was at E! co-hosting Fashion 9-1-1."
  "Um, it was Fashion 9/11, and it was immediately cancelled." (Great News, S01E08)
• "How does the quiet half of the room feel about Gilead?" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
• "Please don't be sorry. Please do something." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
• "My country is dying."
  "My country is already dead." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
• ♫: Adam Taylor – "He's Alive" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
• Speechless Season Grade: D+
• "Enemies are at the gates – inside the gates, fornicating with our cookware!" (Fargo, S03E05)
• "My mom." (Fargo, S03E05)
• ♫: Minor Mishap Marching Band – "Track Suit" (Fargo, S03E05)
• ♫: Jeff Russo and Noah Hawley – "Ship of Fools" (Fargo, S03E05)
• Joe Buck: "I was born in Florida. Of course I've had a finger in my ass." (Brockmire, S01E08)
• Brockmire Season Grade: C-

(Saturday Night Live, S42E21)

• Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C
• "Can't jerk off in AirBNBs." (Master of None, S02E02)
• ♫: Kraftwerk – "Computer Love" (Master of None, S02E04)
• "Sorry I had to cancel on Sunday. I had to tune in for that WWE SummerSlam pay-per-view. […] Dean Ambrose wrestled Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship." (Master of None, S02E04)
• "You're the son of Scatman?" (Master of None, S02E04)
• "Favourite taco in New York?"
  "Mm, Los Tacos No.1, the al pastor." (Master of None, S02E05)
• "Why are white girls always talking about grain bowls?" (Master of None, S02E06)

(Master of None, S02E09)

• Raven Live! (Master of None, S02E10)
• "We don't run here at Raven Live!" (Master of None, S02E10)

(Master of None, S02E10)

• "I mean, I don't think you can see into the future."
  "I know you did not just bring up That's So Raven." (Master of None, S02E10)
• Master of None Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek