Fascism Forever

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You are a married parent of two young children.

Your spouse and children die tragically.

The Devil visits you soon after to cut a deal. He will resurrect your spouse and children, and life will go on as was, but sometime every night for the rest of your life, you will murder your spouse and children, after which, at the stroke of midnight, they will be resurrected as if nothing happened, with no memory of you murdering them.

Do you accept this deal?

Steven: i don't think anyone would make this deal
Jon: but you get to see your children grow up
Jon: albeit along with their corpses every night

Steven: i think the deal has to be more concise, something that wouldn't involve the public knowing that your family died and came back to life, or that your family dies and comes back to life every day

Hmm…

You are a married parent of two young children.

Your spouse and children are in critical condition.

The Devil visits you in the hospital to cut a deal. Your spouse and children will fully recover, and life will go on as was, but sometime every night for the rest of your life, you will murder your spouse and children, after which, at the stroke of midnight, they will be resurrected as if nothing happened, with no memory of you murdering them.

If and when the public learns that your family dies and comes back to life every day is up to you.

Do you let your children host a sleepover?

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

Mike: The specifics of the injuries are a huge variable for the value of the bargain. If I'm the unscathed spouse and my fam is critical but its cuz of a mercury leak I'm not taking that deal, cuz I'm hoping they make it through fine. If it's a fiery car wreck or something I might take the deal if it means they recover well from what could be quality-of-life-decimating injuries.

Hmm…

You are a married parent of two young children.

While on holiday with your family on a remote island, your spouse and children die tragically.

The Devil visits you soon after to cut a deal.

Should you accept his deal, you should return home to friends and family who are completely unaware that your spouse and children were resurrected.

If and when the public learns that your family dies and comes back to life every day is up to you.

Whole Foods Car Park

on

Is that space open? No. Small car.

Oh here we go. Nope. Shopping cart.

Guh. Another shopping cart.

What is she doing? Did/does she not see me stopped here with my turn signal on? Leave already!

Look at this: Two shopping carts on either side of a shopping cart corral.

Instead of self-driving cars, self-returning shopping carts.

Shit. I've been spotted walking to my car. Pressure to leave is on.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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5. Opening credits (The Young Pope, S01E03/S01E04)

Honourable Mention

  • Sabrina vs. Chip fight (The Mick, S01E06)

Stray Observations

  • "Hey, have you seen Zorn?"
    "No. Why? Everything okay?"
    "Well, I'm worried about Alan. He had a 40-minute shower cry."
    "I don't know much about parenting. I'm gonna guess 'gay.'" (Son of Zorn, S01E11)
  • "Presidents don't get chances; they get tested." (Homeland, S06E02)
  • "The young are always more extreme than the old." (The Young Pope, S01E03)
  • "Believers don't cry." (The Young Pope, S01E04)
  • "She's the metronome of sleep." (The Young Pope, S01E04)
  • "Ben, are you watching Alien?! Oh come on, man! Aliens is a way better movie." (The Mick, S01E06)
  • "I have sailed to places where there is no damnation." (Taboo, S01E03)
  • "You could allow your cunt to swallow the work of an honest man." (Taboo, S01E03)
  • "As you know, only a child of Earth can wear the crown of the High King. I will ask you a series of questions designed to root out all pretenders to the throne. Only a true High King will hold the answers in his heart."
    "Come at me."
    "What popular American television program stars actor Tim Daly?"
    "What the fuck?"
    "He was in a lot of TV shows." (The Magicians, S02E01)
  • "This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids."
    "My God, there are other fluids?"
    "Yeah. Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E04)
  • "Now social media will come down on you with the fury of a middle-aged man who has accomplished nothing." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E04)
  • "You're gonna be puking on your dick in no time." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E04)
  • "I want to, like, put it in one of those trumpet shells and smoke it."
    "It's called a 'cock shell.' I saw that in an underwater porno once."
    "Little Spermaid, yeah." (Workaholics, S07E03)
  • ♫: Melodysheep – "Get Pitted" (Workaholics, S07E03)


(Workaholics, S07E03)

  • "Hodor!" (Workaholics, S07E03)
  • "Ohhh man, we've gotta find a way out of here. I cannot die in Crocs."
    "There's an empty jacuzzi. I cannot die in an empty jacuzzi like my aunts."
    "What?"
    "They all died in an empty jacuzzi." (Workaholics, S07E03)
  • "I'd love to be a cheerleader. It would look great on my college applications. But, last year, when I tried out, Cheryl said I was too fat."
    "'Too season five Betty Draper.'" (Riverdale, S01E01)
  • ♫: Tove Styrke – "Number One" (Riverdale, S01E01)
  • Clown toilet (Baskets, S02E02)
  • "Hey, you know, if you need any jokes, I found a joke book at the dump."
    "What were you doing at the dump? On a date or something?"
    "No, I was just snooping around."
    "Snooping around?"
    "Yeah, what else do you do at the dump?" (Baskets, S02E02)
  • "Martha, take the children back to the corn." (Baskets, S02E02)


(Portlandia, S07E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

Last call on Adam Riff™'s 2016 audio mixes:

Chickity China, the Chinese chicken

on

You cannot beat a woman in an argument. It's impossible. You will not win, 'cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing, 'cause we have a need to make sense. Women ain't gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument. 'Cause she not in it for sense – she's in it for distance and irritation. "How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps?" They want you to shake the shit out of them 'til you hear the cops coming.

Breathing fire doesn't look good on a résumé

on

related:

Notorious in Toronto and virtually unknown elsewhere, Sicilian Vampire star/director/producer/musician Frank D'Angelo is a dubiously talented businessman with a lot of cash to throw around, primarily (presumably) thanks to D'Angelo Brands, a company whose wares include the energy drink Cheetah Power Surge. Since 2010, he's also been the host of The Being Frank Show, a late-night talk show taped weekly at the Forget About It Supper Club, one of D'Angelo's two restaurants. It looks like a real show but it's really just an infomercial D'Angelo has paid for, interrupted only by commercials for his own products. He's also cranked out a series of albums in the Seth MacFarlane–big-band vein and claims to have written 500 songs.

In 2013, D'Angelo decided he wanted to make films and he started with Real Gangsters, a mob film starring himself whose general tenor can be gathered from this opening snippet of dialogue: "The finality of life, it sucks big fuckin' cock." Sicilian Vampire is his fourth film, a feat of productivity made possible by D'Angelo's decision to shoot all his films in five days or less. All of these films cost at least $5 million Canadian (about $3.7 million U.S.), with actors paid in cash. [source]

if that's what we wanna do

on

I've been brainstorming food items for the pub that Chris Castle and I plan to open in Seattle.

What I have so far:

Mex Mix
A mix of Takis, cacahuates japoneses, Totis Donitas, Sabritas Adobadas, chicharrones, and Gardetto's roasted garlic rye chips.

Potathlon
A mix of Belgian fries, curly fries, garlic waffle fries, sweet potato crinkle-cut fries, and tater tots served in a mixing bowl.

Doomsday Pepper
A roasted poblano pepper stuffed with canned meats and [Kraft cheese powder + evaporated milk], breaded with instant ramen, and fried.

Fuck, Marry, Kale
Deep-fried oysters and calamari rings served with a kale aioli.

Florida Man
An alligator/python-sausage corn dog served with Grey Poupon.

Suicide Wings
Six chicken wings, each with a different soda-fountain-based glaze – Coca-Cola, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, root beer, Orange Fanta, Mountain Dew.

Olympia Burger
A cheeseburger topped with chips and a Pepsi barbecue sauce.

The Hajj
A play on a Thanksgiving sandwich. Pita bread, turkey shawarma, cranberry chutney, stuffing-flavoured falafel, toum mashed potatoes, tahini gravy.

Bill Murray
A play on an egg cream (chocolate syrup + milk + carbonated water). The chocolate syrup is thinned Nutella with a sriracha kick. The milk is almond milk. The carbonated water is LaCroix. Served with a bacon straw.

I want to name our pub "Ipecac." Chris prefers "Alterations."

Come snuggle with a thug

on

Now screening at Sundance:

Bushwick (2017)
On the way to Grandma's house with a new boyfriend in tow, Lucy (Brittany Snow) steps off the subway into an utter bloodbath on the streets of Brooklyn's Bushwick neighborhood. Texas is attempting to secede from the Union, and militia forces have descended upon New York City to claim it as an East Coast base of operations and negotiation tool. Faced with a flurry of whizzing bullets and total destruction around every corner, Lucy takes shelter in the basement of Stupe (Dave Bautista), a burly war veteran who reluctantly helps her traverse the treacherous five-block stretch of Bushwick to reach her destination—assuming it's still there.

Bolstered by an immersive score from Aesop Rock.

related: Crown Heights (2017), starring Nnamdi Asomugha – also now screening at Sundance

related: Brighton Beach (2017), starring FKA twigs

related:

GREEN APPLE ENTERTAINMENT ACQUIRES WORLDWIDE RIGHTS TO "SAW" FRANCHISE PARODY "SLAW" STARRING KEVIN NASH AND LUKE GALLOWS

Synopsis: "Two 'foodie' brothers kidnap those who ruin their dining experience and kill them – each in their own unique 'food-related' manner."

According to IMDB, Kevin Nash plays himself in Slaw, and returns in Slaw 2, which is already in pre-production.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

4. In the beginning (The Young Pope, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Mickey trying to make Ben throw up by putting her fingers down his throat and jiggling (The Mick, S01E04)
  • La La Land Interrogation (Saturday Night Live, S42E12)
  • Dirty Talk (Saturday Night Live, S42E12)
  • Five Stars (Saturday Night Live, S42E12)

Stray Observations

  • "Who the hell are you?"
    "My name's Sherlock Holmes."
    "The detective."
    "The pirate." (Sherlock, S04E03)
  • Sherlock Season Grade: C-
  • Clown gag (The Mick, S01E04)
  • ♫: Labradford – "By Chris Johnston, Craig Markva, Jamie Evans," (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • "I'll wait here for my Cherry Coke Zero." (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • ♫: Melodium – "Kissing Disease" (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • "The past is an enormous place with all sorts of things inside. Not so with the present. The present is merely a narrow opening with room for only one pair of eyes – mine." (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • "Was it hard? To close off the Basilica to tourists?"
    "No, no. All we had to do was hang up a sign saying 'closed.'" (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • ♫: Andrew Bird – "Logan's Loop" (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • ♫: Recondite – "Levo" (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • ♫: Land Observations – "Nice to Turin" (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • "Time for your snack, Holy Father." (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • "I have to have my snack now." (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • "This isn't gonna be some back-alley sack waxing." (New Girl, S06E13)


(Fresh Off the Boat, S03E10)

  • Combo! (Taboo, S01E02)
  • RT: King George is basically just fat Mycroft from The Abominable Bride. (Taboo, S01E02)
  • "We are an angry nation."
    "Yeah. I'm counting on it." (Taboo, S01E02)
  • "You are their whore, the same as almost everyone else in this city, apart from those who are actually labeled a 'whore.'" (Taboo, S01E02)
  • "We will haunt this nigger to justice." (Taboo, S01E02)
  • Scroobius Pip (Taboo, S01E02)


(WWE NXT, 01-18-17)

  • "You're kind of a loose cannon."
    "A loose cannon downs more ships." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • "He is your new grandma's flowers. Don't let him die." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • "I asked for a Randy and he gave me a Brad." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • Gregory Hines photograph (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • "That is the first time I've wanted to show you all five, not just the middle one." (Speechless, S01E13)
  • Dennis Quaid? (Workaholics, S07E02)


(Workaholics, S07E02)

  • That was Topher Grace? (Workaholics, S07E02)
  • The Methelda Show (Man Seeking Woman, S03E03)
  • "I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence." (The Good Place, S01E12)
  • Alice Murphy (The Good Place, S01E12)
  • "As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest—ohh. He's from Florida? Yeah. He belongs in the Bad Place." (The Good Place, S01E12)
  • "He who smelt it murdered Janet." (The Good Place, S01E13)
  • (The Good Place, S01E13)
  • Pizza is the new frozen yogurt (The Good Place, S01E13)
  • The Good Place Season Grade: B

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

By the way, you do things to my body

on

Idea: The Price Is Right: Music Edition

Contestants' Row: The contestant whose rating is closest to the actual Pitchfork rating of an album without going over advances.

To win Plinko chips: One tour, four cities. Was the average resale ticket price for this tour's stop in this city higher or lower than the price listed?

Hole in One: Order six items from a musical artist's tour rider from least to most expensive.

Cliff Hangers: Three albums. How long is each album, in minutes, rounded up? For every minute you're off, the climber goes up one.

One Away: Five singles by one musical artist, five numbers that are one away from where each single peaked on the Billboard Hot 100.

Range Game: The range is the tracklist for an album. The range finder is three songs. We surveyed 1000 fans of this album. Stop the range finder where most people answered is this album's best three-song stretch.

The Showcase: Name the cost of one of two music videos.