Let's get gory, like a Tarantino movie

on

Simmons:

Deadline's interview with Cameron Crowe revealed that Crowe wrote [Jerry Maguire] for … Tom Hanks! Who knew??? That almost broke my brain. (Yes, Hanks turned it down.) Crowe also revealed that Connie Britton nearly ended up with the Renée Zellweger part and that Cuba Gooding Jr. beat out Jamie Foxx for Rod Tidwell. I continue to think that "Hollywood Movie Casting What-ifs" would be a riveting book.

As Hollywood seems to be remaking or rebooting everything, why not remake or reboot projects with actors who passed on the original or were beaten out?

Remake Jerry Maguire with Tom Hanks, Connie Britton, and Jamie Foxx.

Reboot The Sopranos with Ray Liotta as Tony Soprano.

Yes, a remake of White Men Can't Jump is wholly unnecessary, but what if it actualised a parallel universe? Eh?

According to White Men Can't Jump's IMDb trivia, Charlie Sheen was the first choice for the role of Billy Hoyle, and Fox wanted Denzel Washington for the role of Sidney Dean.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on


3. What About Men? (Portlandia, S07E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "'Taking your own life.' Interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it." (Sherlock, S04E02)
  • "Who's this one? Is this a new person? I'm against new people." (Sherlock, S04E02)
  • "Stress can ruin every day of your life; dying can only ruin one." (Sherlock, S04E02)
  • "I'm that predictable?"
    "No. I'm just a cock." (Sherlock, S04E02)
  • "Oh, the posh boy loves the dominatrix. He's never knowingly under-clichéd, is he?" (Sherlock, S04E02)
  • "Is there nights of passion in High Wycombe?" (Sherlock, S04E02)
  • "Just text her back."
    "Why?"
    "Because High Wycombe is better than you are currently equipped to understand." (Sherlock, S04E02)
  • "I'm so glad we finally found a use for your grandmother's dollhouse furniture collection "
    "Yeah, me too. I wish she was here to see it, but she's in Tampa, in her grave." (Son of Zorn, S01E10)
  • Terrell Owens – huh (Son of Zorn, S01E10)
  • "Here's my belly button's review of the movie Gone Girl." (Son of Zorn, S01E10)
  • "How am I supposed to learn about life when you won't let me watch The Good Wife?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E08)
  • "People who do not know me soon come to understand that I do not have any sense. Now please do not misunderstand the situation. You send me 12 men, I will return you 12 sets of testicles in a bag, and we can watch your little whores devour them together, before I chop off your trotters, and boil them." (Taboo, S01E01)
  • Jonathan Pryce's use of the F word (Taboo, S01E01)
  • Minnie Driver's discussing her colourful English family (Speechless, S01E12)
  • "What is dressage, after all, but…dancing for horses?" (Speechless, S01E12)
  • "The American white woman is as fickle as a Pinot noir." (Black-ish, S03E12)
  • "White women aren't sisters. We hate each other." (Black-ish, S03E12)
  • "Oh, I'm racist?! I'm a racist?!"
    "Please don't say it…"
    "I have black friends!" (Black-ish, S03E12)
  • "AIDS! AIDS! I got AIDS! I got AIDS! We're coming through."
    "I'm his doctor. My patient's gotta get to the front of the line because he has AIDS."
    "I got the AIDS."
    "He got it from a gay guy in the '80s."
    "I'm not gay… I mean… There's two kinds of AIDS. There's the vagina AIDS, then the needle-based AIDS. I'm a vagina guy."
    "Well, no, actually my test results show that it was the gay AIDS."
    "All AIDS are bad! That's… No good AIDS! But I'm telling you, like I said, this is not the gay AIDS." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E02)
  • "What are you guys doing? You guys doing an AIDS thing?"
    "Oh, yeah. Yeah. I gave Frank a couple hickeys to sell the lesions."
    "Sucked on 'em."
    "Yeah, yeah. You doing a fake daughter thing?"
    "Yeah."
    "Cool." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E02)
  • "Your daughter is a special kid, a gifted child who should be treasured. If she were born in China, she'd… Wait, I already did that. Didn't work. If she were born in… What country treasures their women?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E02)
  • "There's AIDS blood in the pool!"
    "There's goddamn AIDS blood?!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E02)
  • "I'm-a need a little help shaving my butthole."
    "Absolutely not."
    "Shave my butthole, Ders."
    "No. If anything, I'm gonna shave my butthole, and I'm gonna eat chowder so that I can have an explosive O."
    "I have got a thick, thick mane down there, and my family will be embarrassed by my porno if I don't have a slick butthole. Please. You're a swimmer. I know you shave other men's buttholes often."
    "Fine. I'm only doing this because I'm good at it, okay? You trim my chowder, I'll shave your hole."
    […]
    "Right side's done. Go ahead and give it a feel. I put it at a two. I can take it down to a one. It's gonna be prickly, though." (Workaholics, S07E01)
  • "I wasn't a failed DJ; I was pre-successful." (The Good Place, S01E11)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

The People vs. D.J. Cohen

on

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Completing our triptych is Sum of Sixteen, Ben's 2016 master cleanse.

  1. Sum of Sixteen DJ Benny C

As it is a single track, here is a road map:

Miike Snow – "Genghis Khan"
AlunaGeorge – "Not Above Love"
The Knocks – "Kiss the Sky (feat. Wyclef Jean)"
Kanye West – "Fade"
The Weeknd – "Starboy (feat. Daft Punk)"
Luke Million – "Stranger Things Theme"
Galantis – "No Money (Joe Maz Remix)"
Joey Purp – "Girls @ (feat. Chance The Rapper)"
DJ Snake – "Middle (feat. Bipolar Sunshine)"
Capital Cities – "Vowels"
DJ Mustard – "Whole Lotta Lovin' (feat Travis Scott)"
Rihanna – "Love on the Brain (Gigamesh Remix)"
LANY – "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FRIENDS"
The 1975 – "The Sound"
Tinie Tempah – "Bounce"
Alicia Keys – "In Common (Kaskade Remix)"
Beyoncé – "Formation"
Years & Years – "Desire (feat. Tove Lo)"
Twenty One Pilots – "Ride"
Drake & Future – "Jumpman (Whiiite Remix)"
Chance the Rapper – "No Problem (feat. Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz)"
Francis and the Lights – "Friends (feat. Bon Iver)"
D.R.A.M. – "Broccoli (feat. Lil Yachty)"
Kevin Gates – "2 Phones (Jayceeoh × Styles & Complete Remix)"
Future – "Xanny Family"
Kwesta – "Ngud' (feat. Cassper Nyovest)"
A Tribe Called Quest – "We the People…."
YG – "FDT (feat. Nipsey Hussle)"
Rihanna – "Work (feat. Drake) [Lost Kings Remix]"
Fetty Wap – "679 (feat. Monty) [Danny Diggz Remix]"
AlunaGeorge – "I'm in Control (feat. Popcaan)"
Charly Black – "Gyal You a Party Animal"
Yellow Claw – "Invitation (feat. Yade Lauren)"
ZHU – "Generationwhy"
Kanye West – "Ultralight Beam"
MAC MILLER – "Dang! (feat. Anderson .Paak)"
Marshmello – "Ritual (feat. Wrabel)"
Dillon Francis – "Anywhere (feat. Will Heard)"
Cashmere Cat – "Trust Nobody (feat. Selena Gomez & Tory Lanez)"
Chelsea Lankes – "Bullet"
Tove Lo – "Cool Girl (Denis First Remix)"
Calvin Harris – "This Is What You Came For (feat. Rihanna) [JM Castillo Remix]"
A-Trak – "Parallel Lines (feat. Phantogram)"
A$AP Ferg – "Strive (feat. Missy Elliott)"
Lil Uzi Vert – "You Was Right"
Rae Sremmurd – "Black Beatles (feat. Gucci Mane) [Aazar Remix]"
blink-182 – "Bored to Death"
G.L.O.S.S. – "Give Violence a Chance"

• DOWNLOAD SUM OF SIXTEEN
• alternate download link

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Our favourite songs. One per year.

Time to update it.

Side A (curated by Jon)
1. Radiohead – "The National Anthem" [2000]
2. Finch – "What It Is to Burn (Demo)" [2001]
3. Spoon – "Stay Don't Go" [2002]
4. The Mars Volta – "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt"
5. Ratatat – "Seventeen Years"
6. The Mountain Goats – "This Year"
7. DragonForce – "Through the Fire and Flames"
8. Frank Turner – "The Real Damage"
9. The Wonder Years – "You're Not Salinger. Get Over It."
10. So Many Dynamos – "New Bones"
11. Jamie Lidell – "Your Sweet Boom"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Jai Paul – "Jasmine (Demo)"
14. CHVRCHES – "The Mother We Share"
15. CFO$ – "Worlds Apart" [2014]
16. Oneohtrix Point Never – "No Good" [2015]
17. Kanye West – "Ultralight Beam" [2016]

Jon: What is left to say? "Ultralight Beam" is a majestic pop unicorn, teeming with soul, my most desired quality in music nowadays.

Side B (curated by Ben)
1. Outkast – "B.O.B." [2000]
2. Gob – "I Hear You Calling" [2001]
3. Justin Timberlake – "Cry Me a River" [2002]
4. The White Stripes – "Seven Nation Army"
5. Franz Ferdinand – "Take Me Out"
6. R. Kelly – "Trapped in the Closet"
7. TV on the Radio – "Wolf Like Me"
8. UGK – "Int'l Players Anthem (I Choose You) [feat. Outkast]"
9. MGMT – "Time to Pretend"
10. Passion Pit – "The Reeling"
11. LCD Soundsystem – "Dance Yrself Clean"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Bruno Mars – "Locked Out of Heaven"
14. Daft Punk – "Get Lucky (feat. Pharrell Williams)"
15. Duke Dumont – "I Got You (feat. Jax Jones)" [2014]
16. Major Lazer × DJ Snake – "Lean On (feat. MØ)" [2015]
17. G.L.O.S.S. – "Give Violence a Chance" [2016]

Ben:

In late September, I stumbled upon G.L.O.S.S. (Girls Living Outside Society's Shit), a queer hardcore punk band from Olympia. The band has a number of LGBTQ members in it, including a trans woman lead singer. They have released a demo and an EP, Trans Day of Revenge.

The first time I heard "Give Violence a Chance," chills went down my spine. It activated the part of my lizard brain that made me like the Dead Kennedys. It is unapologetically violent, political, and angry, but also really fucking good music. G.L.O.S.S. broke up after TDoR, but I'm holding out hope that, with this radically different political environment, they'll find a way to make new music.

Awesome 2:16

on

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present My Super Sweet '16, a gallimaufry of audio things 2016.

My original album art idea for My Super Sweet '16 was a play on this still from Sixteen Candles:

with Hillary Clinton as Molly Ringwald and Bernie Sanders as Jake Ryan, possibly accompanied by a play on this still from Sixteen Candles:

with Donald Trump as Long Duk Dong – Long Duk Donald.

That idea led to an ambitious idea to mash up Stranger Things and John Hughes films:

And that idea led to what would become the album art for The Upside Sound, Adam Robot and White Jon's counterpoint to my 2016 mix:


[1:51:43]

No Apple Music playlist because Adam Robot "doesn't have iTunes."

• DOWNLOAD THE UPSIDE SOUND
• alternate download link

The Vinyl Deletion

on

Previously on Adam Riff™:
The Top 10 Fight Scenes of 2016

And now, the talent portion of Adam Riff™'s 2016 retrospective festivities.

I am chuffed to present My Super Sweet '16, a gallimaufry of audio things 2016:

At 1:56:12, it is the longest mix I have ever produced.

I wanted to feature music of the youth – 21 Savage, D.R.A.M., Lil Uzi Vert, Lil Yachty, YG, Young Thug, Travis Scott, et al. – but then I listened to it and [ehhh] didn't love it.

  1. White Friends "Fresh Off the Boat"
  2. Come Down Anderson .Paak
  3. Never Be Like You (feat. Kai) Flume
  4. Carol Simples "Lady Dynamite"
  5. Sleep in the Heat PUP
  6. We (feat. CeeLo Green) MAC MILLER
  7. I Know All What I Do Jack Garratt
  8. Two Turnips in Heat "Trailer Park Boys"
  9. Another Time NxWorries
  10. Your Best American Girl Mitski
  11. Mia & Sebastian's Theme [from "La La Land"] Justin Hurwitz
  12. Jonah Ryan "Veep"
  13. Ultralight Beam Kanye West
  14. Settle the Scar The Hotelier
  15. Mercy Shawn Mendes
  16. Annihilation "Mr. Robot"
  17. A.H.B. S U R V I V E
  18. No Witnesses Keaton Henson
  19. Dapper (feat. Anderson .Paak) Domo Genesis
  20. Weight in Gold Gallant
  21. Things in My Jeep (feat. Nas) "Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping"
  22. Lose It SWMRS
  23. Devil Is Fine Zeal and Ardor
  24. A Better Way [from "Swiss Army Man"] Andy Hull and Robert McDowell
  25. Nazi Punks, Fuck Off [from "Green Room"] The Ain't Rights
  26. CCH Pounder "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
  27. I Feel It Coming (feat. Daft Punk) The Weeknd
  28. 4r Da Squaw Isaiah Rashad
  29. Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales Car Seat Headrest
  30. Harrison Booth "Atlanta"
  31. Empty Kevin Abstract
  32. GLOWED UP (feat. Anderson .Paak) KAYTRANADA
  33. St. Paul's (Westerberg Comprehensive) Martha
  34. George Michael "Keanu"
  35. Angels (feat. Saba) Chance the Rapper
  36. Hard Style Diarrhea Planet
  37. Can't Handle This (Kanye Rant) Bo Burnham
  38. Yesterday Noname

No Spotify or Apple Music playlist because a fourth of this mix is unavailable elsewhere.

• DOWNLOAD MY SUPER SWEET '16
• alternate download link

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

2. Quantum Leap (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "God is a ludicrous fiction, dreamt up by inadequates who abdicate all responsibility to an invisible magic friend." (Sherlock, S04E01)
  • "I delete any text that begins 'hi.'" (Sherlock, S04E01)
  • Watson's crying (Sherlock, S04E01)
  • "I can handle my 'Quil." (The Mick, S01E01)
  • "Humor trumps violence." (The Mick, S01E01)
  • "Well, clearly, you didn't do it right. Did you remember to laugh at his tiny penis? That part's pretty important." (The Mick, S01E01)


(WWE Raw, 01-02-17)

  • How many times can Marshawn Lynch pronounce a Spanish double L? (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E11/12)
  • "Oh, it was better than fine. It was Laos." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E11/12)
  • "What are you miming there, sir?"
    "A child tying his tie. I'm trying to do a simple half-Windsor so she knows I'm a baby." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E11/12)
  • "Sussudio demands vinyl." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E11/12)
  • "Remember how furious you got that time your sister ended an e-mail with 'thx' instead of 'thanks'?"
    "Why would you bring that up?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E11/12)
  • "Ugh. Terry hates hospitals. They reek of death."
    [elderly woman clears throat]
    "Oh, not you, ma'am. You reek of life." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E11/12)
  • "Oh. It's just my former lover. Hello, sister." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E11/12)
  • "Only men have secret families." (New Girl, S06E11)
  • "If I don't have my taste, then what's real? Are cargo shorts gorgeous? Was I wrong about rubber awareness bracelets? Should I grow a goatee?" (New Girl, S06E11)
  • "I like the colonel very much. When I was a little girl, he came to my village in Guatemala and built the hospital, and then he brought me and my mother back to the States."
    "And you've been trapped here ever since? Ugh. You're like a veal." (The Mick, S01E02)
  • "Very cool that we both have rash stories." (The Mick, S01E02)
  • "Pam said that kids looking at online porn is an epidemic."
    "Like Cross Colours?" (Black-ish, S03E11)
  • "Someone's tweeting as my butt, Dre." (Black-ish, S03E11)
  • "It's Old Black Man's night to pick the movie." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E01)
  • "Oh, right, that's the lesson we have to learn – that black people will ruin your credit." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E01)
  • "I'm gonna say the N woooorrrrd!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S21E01)
  • "We're church blacks!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E01)
  • "What are the rules?"
    "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't, don't…"
    "I'm sick of that one." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E01)
  • ♫: Caveman – "Never Going Back" (Man Seeking Woman, S03E01)
  • "What's this show called again?"
    "It's Deirdre and Margaret. It ran for 16 years on the BBC. They did nearly 30 episodes." (The Good Place, S01E10)
  • ♫: *NSYNC – "Digital Get Down" (The Good Place, S01E10)
  • Run the Jewels (Portlandia, S07E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: 31 Flavours

on

Man, I consume a lot of ice cream.

MANHATTAN


Tico Time Ice Cream (Ice and Vice)
pink guava, chili lime plantain chips
—Guava and plantain chips – who knew?


Splinters Ice Cream (Ice and Vice)
smoked whiskey barrel wood ice cream, cracker jack brittle
—A 21+ flavour. I had to show identification to order it, despite not tasting any alcohol. The house-made Cracker Jack brittle is [Italian chef kiss].

(Ice and Vice)'s winter 2016-17 series is…something. From best to worst:

Thai-Phoon Sorbet (Ice and Vice)
thai tea, mango, sumac jaggery
—Tea is an underappreciated ice cream flavour.

On the Rocks Ice Cream (Ice and Vice)
persian black lime, cola, cherry pop rocks
—Pop rocks and Coke with lime.

Photo Bomb Ice Cream (Ice and Vice)
chlorophyll, citron marmalade
—Chlorophyll ice cream? Chlorophyll ice cream.

Colt .45 Ice Cream (Ice and Vice)
toasted barley, chicory root, spiced molé
—Yecchh! One of the least palatable ice creams I have ever tried.


Mexican Neapolitan Paleta (La Newyorkina)
—Oaxacan chocolate, Mexican vanilla, and local strawberry.

(La Newyorkina) specialises in artisanal paletas.


Chamoy-Filled Mango Paleta (La Newyorkina)
—Like a chamoyada on a stick.

The Red Hook Paleta (La Newyorkina)
—Stumptown coffee ice cream with chunks of chocolate chip cookie dough. Scrumptious.


(Superiority Burger) pairs an ever-changing gelato with an ever-changing sorbet as a dessert item.

Milk Toast Gelato / Yellow Peach Sorbet (Superiority Burger)
—The pairing when I visited. Peaches and cream and bread.


Chocolate Chip Passion Fruit Soft Serve (Milk Bar)

Cranberry Limeade Soft Serve (Milk Bar)

I don't love Milk Bar, but its soft serve is on point.

BROOKLYN


They Scoop Gilmores, Don't They? Ice Cream (Ample Hills Creamery)
coffee chocolate pudding ice cream, snickerdoodles topped with pink sprinkles
—A Gilmore Girls-inspired flavour. I could not detect any snickerdoodles in my scoop.

Cranberry Gin Fizz Sorbet (Ample Hills Creamery)
cranberry purée, lime, gin


Ants on a Log Sorbet (OddFellows Ice Cream Co.)
—Celery sorbet with peanut butter and raisins. Nope!

Miso Cherry Ice Cream (OddFellows Ice Cream Co.)
Saffron Passion Fruit Ice Cream (OddFellows Ice Cream Co.)
—Selections from an Asia-inspired series.

LOS ANGELES

Bone Marrow Ice Cream with Bourbon Smoked Cherries (Salt and Straw)
—Didn't taste like anything.

Peanut Butter Ritz Apple Pie Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
—All I tasted was peanut butter.

Raspberry Nutella Ice Cream (Gresescent)
—Disappointingly anemic on both fronts.

Lemon Bar Ice Cream (Gresescent)
lemon-infused ice cream, freshly-baked lemon bar cookie bits
—The best lemon ice cream I have ever tried.

Blackberry Mint Mojito Ice Cream (Gresescent)

OAKLAND


Ham Solo Ice Cream (Little Giant Ice Cream)
—Honey-baked ham ice cream. It tasted just like honey-baked ham.


Green Bean Casserole Ice Cream (Little Giant Ice Cream)
fresh green beans, sautéed button mushroom base, french fried onion inclusion

Asparagus Ice Cream (Little Giant Ice Cream)

Mango Mezcal Sorbet (Little Giant Ice Cream)

Hard Apple Cider Sorbet (Little Giant Ice Cream)
—Delectably refreshing, if barely hard.

Buttermilk Cranberry Swirl Ice Cream (Little Giant Ice Cream)
—Too much buttermilk ice cream, not enough cranberry jam.


Ugly Sweater Ice Cream (Little Giant Ice Cream)
jameson whiskey ice cream, pineapple compote, cranberry sauce, holiday m&ms
—Waaaay too much Jameson in its Jameson base. The taste of whiskey overwhelmed everything else.

SAN FRANCISCO


PB&J Ice Cream Pie (Tartine Manufactory)
fior di latte, concord grape sorbet, grape pâte de fruit, candied peanuts, peanut cookie crust
—Deceptively hefty. It needed more grape pâte de fruit or some peanut butter to break up its shit ton of grape cream soft serve filling.

Thank You for Being a Friend Ice Cream (Humphry Slocombe)
dark chocolate cheesecake ice cream, amarena cherries, house-made graham crackers
—A Golden Girls-inspired flavour.

#eatersdigest

Lon Kruger and I liked it

on

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Q: Rank the following 2016 film adaptations of video games by projected final domestic box office, from largest to smallest: Ratchet and Clank, Angry Birds, Warcraft, Assassin's Creed.

As of January 3, 2017:

$$$$ The Angry Birds Movie $107,509,366
$$$ Warcraft $47,225,655
$$ Assassin's Creed $43,883,438
$ Ratchet and Clank $8,821,329

[pops champagne]