Adam Riff™

11. Glow Stick Magic Trick (Troy, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

• Air Max 1 Prediction Trick (Troy, S02E01)
• Forget (The Walking Dead, S05E13)
• Sex Scene (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
• Religious Cult Mass Murder Scenario (Vice, S03E02)

Stray Observations

• "Face it. I'm not heroic like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. I'm not even Tom Arnold in True Lies!" (Bob's Burgers, S05E14)
• Robert Durst at Starbucks (The Jinx, S01E05)
• "Well, you're not successful." (The Jinx, S01E05)
• "The sarge and I are really into puzzles. Remember when I took that sudoku cruise?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)

(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)

• "Scully, tell them we're cops. Tell them!"
  "Nous sommes navets! Nous sommes navets! Shhhhhhhoot. That means turnips. I said we were turnips. I got it, don't worry. WE ARE TURNIPS! Nope, that was English." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)
• "Don't shoot, I'm white!" (Shameless, S05E08)
• "I'm the kind of gal who tries to make the best of things, and since meatballs will never ever exist again, I said, 'Carol, get your hands up, grab some raisins, and you smash them into a ball, girl.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
• "After doing the nasty, I need to have some beans." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
• ♫: James Blake – "The Wilhelm Scream" (Togetherness, S01E08)
• Togetherness Season Grade: C-
• RT: Sooo both The Americans and Looking have used Yaz's "Only You" to close out episodes this season. (Looking, S02E08)

WWE's Definitive Guide To White People Dancing To Wiz Khalifa (WWE Raw, 3-9-15)

• Mike Corleone (Better Call Saul, S01E06)
• Norman spooning Norma (Bates Motel, S03E01)
• "Move over, you silly woman." (Bates Motel, S03E01)
• "Yes, mom, they're rappers, but they're white rappers. White." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• [Wu-Tang Clan] "But they're sort of Asian." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• [Dr. Dre] "But he's a doctor." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• "That's called being a G, mom."
  "Why do you want to be a letter that's only worth two points in Scrabble?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper?"
  "Can't watch TV on Fridays because of Shabbat. Hangin' with God." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• "Shabbat is the Jewish day of rest. We're prohibited from doing certain things from Friday night to Saturday night – turning electrical devices like the stove on and off, handling money, putting flowers in water."
  "It kind of sounds like you're Gremlins." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• Imitation "Sabotage" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• Did the Beastie Boys refuse to license their music? (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• Evidently, the show could only afford to license one Beastie Boys song (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• ♫: Beastie Boys – "Root Down" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
• "He loves guac!" (Justified, S06E08)
• "You trying to manipulate me, Mr. Walker? 'Cause I'm long past the point of needing my ego stroked."
  "Let's just say I don't see you pulling thrill-seeker hold-ups with a 'born to lose' tattoo on your chest." – Heat reference (Justified, S06E08)
• "Don't eulogize the past 'til the future gets its turn." (Justified, S06E08)
• "This is some bullshit. You shot me in the back."
  "You wanted to get hit in the front, you should've run toward me." (Justified, S06E08)
• "The past is a statement. The future is a question."
  "The past and the future are a fight to the death." (Justified, S06E08)
• Framework Season Grade: D
• Hakeem sampling "Tom's Diner" (Empire, S01E10)
• RT: LUCIOUS GOT THE MONTGOMERY C. BURNS OFFICE WITH A BUTTON TO LOCK THE DOOR!!! (Empire, S01E10)
• "I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay? I got the sausage, the SPAM, the bacon, I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
• "Your mother's a giant whore."
  "Right…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
• "Your head of security just choked himself out." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)

(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)

• "I got a dart hanging out of my face."
  "Yes, you do. But look at it this way: We just saved you a trip to Claire's." (Workaholics, S05E09)
• "Get a lap dance on a Gravitron." (Workaholics, S05E09)
• "You guys Jamie Kennedy Experiment-ed me." (Workaholics, S05E09)
• ♫: Riff Raff – "Tip Toe Wing in My Jawwdinz" (Workaholics, S05E09)
• ♫: Fleetwood Mac – "The Chain" (The Americans, S03E07)
• "The solution to every problem isn't throwing frickin' acid on it."
  "Unless the problem is a solution with an overly alkaline pH balance." (Archer, S06E10)
• "I don't want to sound greedy, but a threesome and then a break-up? Or a foursome and I'm the pizza guy?" (Archer, S06E10)
• "She's not gigantic. I mean, she's tall, but a lot of that's the boots and the hair, and those hands aren't doing her any favours, human-size-wise."
  "She's basically Groot." (Archer, S06E10)
• "Lazy lazy fatty fatty gaijin." (Archer, S06E10)
• "Why is there a vagina in the sink?" (Archer, S06E10)
• Portlandia Season Grade: C-
• Wizard Wars Season Grade: D+
• "Kenan and Kale." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E08)
• YTMND: Danny Brown's "mortal kombat!" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E09)
• ♫: Danny Brown – "Smokin and Drinkin" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E09)
• Cat cafe detour (The Amazing Race, S26E04)
• YTMND: "Toasty !!" (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
• Tekken Tag Tournament 2 ? (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
• Lily's golf announcing (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
• King of the Nerds Season Grade: B
• "I am the most excited about the sport of gloving." (Shark Tank, S06E22)
• "We've doubled our sales month over month over the past quarter."
  "From pee pee to pee pee."
  "But you know what? We don't spend money to get that pee pee." (Shark Tank, S06E22)
• Banshee Season Grade: B+
• Tears For Fears! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E10)
• "Of course I'll do an *NSYNC reunion. Finally, the band's getting back together."
  "Uhh, calm down, Joey. The only band in your future is a lap band." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
• "It is the worst thing to happen to Apple since we ran out of cats to name operating systems after." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
• "Hey, look at that. It's Khloe Kardashian's maxi pad. Hey, look at that. Looks like Hilary Swank lost a tooth." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
• "I'm as soft as Kevin Spacey with a guy his own age." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
• "You did it. You actually broke an Apple product without resorting to holding it, plugging it in, or using it as directed." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
• "Soon enough, this version of Siri will just be a distant, horrible, yet oddly fond memory."
  "Yes, just like Jay Leno." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)

#clipoftheweek

• Now There's A Ranch Dressing-Themed Restaurant, So Let's Walk Into The Ocean

10. Girlfriend University (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

• Hot Mic (The Jinx, S01E04)
• Tony the Toilet Buddy (Better Call Saul, S01E05)
• "All of the Above" (Empire, S01E09)
• Conan gives fake CNN report (Conan, 03-04-15)
• Shirley stabs her mother with a fork until able to pull her abdomen open and vomit inside (Fortitude, S01E07)

Stray Observations

• "Oh, God. She can't just stop by, can she? Why don't we have a panic room?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
• "No. I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna do something you hate. Let me see. What do you hate?"
  "Nachos?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
• "If you like her ankles, you should see her shins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)

Cat dragons (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)

• "Bobdor." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
• "I had to get this corpse out of my apartment, period." (The Jinx, S01E04)
• "ANYWAY, I went and bought a bow saw." (The Jinx, S01E04)
• "I did not kill my best friend. I did dismember him." (The Jinx, S01E04)
• "I feel like James Bond, and you are my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi…Pads." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
• "The smoke machine is not working."
  "I could crouch by the altar and vape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
• "You sound like Gollum."
  "That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies. I'm too pretty." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
• "Love. It sustains you. It's like…oatmeal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
• Cut Carl's hair too, stylist! (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
• RT: Did you recognize the new girl? It's Katelyn Nacon from "Too Many Cooks" (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
• "I'm sick of having to change who I am, or wait 'til I'm older, or rape someone into being with me." (Shameless, S05E07)
• Patrick crying at the funeral (Looking, S02E07)
• "Chinese hello?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
• "Out for what do you need that gun?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
• "So this is my toilet pool. And here's my garbage pool, and this is my margarita pool."
  "You swim in that?"
  "I swim in it, I drink out of it. There's really no wrong way to use a margarita pool." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
• "They are mas-TUR-batory magazines." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
• "You stole my to-mah-toes, and you left poop in my garden." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)

(Fresh Off the Boat, S01E07)

• "You ladies need to be very careful. A blow-out can give a woman too much confidence, make them take on things that they can't handle, Hillary Clinton." (New Girl, S04E18)
• "You're afraid of her because she plays the standing-up guitar?" (New Girl, S04E18)
• "But wait, I'm a gay wolf too / Would you like to eat some wolf Chinese food?" (New Girl, S04E18)
• "I would say he looks a little too much like Wallace Shawn for my taste." (Justified, S06E07)
• "Why aren't you on the manhunt?"
  "Oh, I myself was given 24 hours to decompress. Look what you started, Norma Rae." (Justified, S06E07)
• Phil's wardrobe malfunctions (Modern Family, S06E17)
• "Dad, we got this. Chicken scored some C-4. We gon' blow Creedmoor to the ground." (Empire, S01E09)
• The fantasy-sports-esque screens (Empire, S01E09)
• "Take these cookies." (Empire, S01E09)
• "You choosing me to take over Empire since you love me?"
  "You know I haven't decided which one of my sons…"
  "Piece of business advice from that Wharton education you paid so handsomely for: you pick the one who knows you're a murderer." (Empire, S01E09)
• "Oh, I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat that."
  "It's bulgur kernels. Not everything has to be fried."
  "It's kernels of bulgur. The least you could do is fry the hell out of it." (Black-ish, S01E16)
• "Don't be acting like there's not a glass ceiling for women with apostrophes in their name." (Black-ish, S01E16)
• "He eats bulgur for your daughter." (Black-ish, S01E16)
• Couldn't afford a Pink Floyd song, heh (The Americans, S03E06)
• "I call this one 'Cowboys and Indians,' 'cause it's white and red." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
• "Mall Blart Paul cop." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
• "You'll get your dick wet in Heaven." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
• "Yo soy Nutella." (Conan, 03-04-15)
• Rum in a box (Conan, 03-04-15)
• "Bathroom!"
  "Please, your majesty. I cannot wait."
  "I told you idiots that wasn't the real Famous Ray's." (Archer, S06E09)
• "Damn, Gina!" (Archer, S06E09)
• "Oh my God. If anybody's jealous, it's you, hang on, shut up, I have something for this…Lana Cougar Mellencamp." (Archer, S06E09)
• "Ugly Kid Joe?" (Portlandia, S05E09)
• "Ladyboy show cabaret." (The Amazing Race, S26E03)
• "100 best sci-fi and fantasy films according to Rotten Tomatoes."
  "Event Horizon." (King of the Nerds, S03E07)
• June calling Tay Zonday "Unfamous Amos" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
• "Nice house. Before buying it, how big a deposit did you have to take in the face?" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
• "Cody Pepperoni." (Saturday Night Live, S40E15)

#clipoftheweek

• Amazing photos of naked people completely covered in honey

9. What Is Escrow? (Portlandia, S05E08)

Honourable Mention

• 10-foot-tall Ralph Macchio (New Girl, S04E17)
• Microhouse (Portlandia, S05E08)
• Mr. Riot Films (Saturday Night Live, S40E14)

Stray Observations

• "Maybe you're the only one that can help her and I just lose."
  "I am the only one who can help her, because I have apple sauce, and we all win."
  […]
  "I hate apple sauce. My mom used to make me eat foods I didn't like to make me more manly – salmon patties, apple sauce, and onions. She was a very confused woman who tried her damnedest." (The Walking Dead, S05E11)
• "What are you supposed to be?"
  "I'm Gordon Freeman."
  "And he's like, what, a mailman from the future?"
  "No! He's one of the most popular video game characters of all time. He revolutionized first-person shooter games because you so rarely saw or heard him, you could better imagine yourself in the game."
  "Wait, so your idea of a fun gay is a character with so little personality, he's basically nothing." (Looking, S02E06)
• "Hey, you're a social media guy, right?"
  "Yeah yeah yeah. I have 3300 Tumblr followers."
  "Isn't that just for porn?"
  "No. What? Well, it's not… It's not not for porn." (Looking, S02E06)
• "I love your Mega Man costume." (Looking, S02E06)
• Music: Jungle – "Drops" (Looking, S02E06)
• Jennifer Hudson singing a song from Smash (The 87th Academy Awards)
• "You know the difference between us? I don't see the nobility in this job. I see a loaded, lopsided game, full of people justifying their cynicism as a higher calling. It's street fighting in wigs, that's all." (Broadchurch, S02E08)
• Broadchurch Season Grade: C-
• RT: "Why would gouging out one eye stop their plans?" (Gotham, S01E17)
• "Smoke on the Water [Butthole Version]" (Better Call Saul, S01E04)
• "My dad was about to stumble into the biggest restaurant craze of the mid-90s."
  "Fajitas! Orlando can't get enough utility-grade skirt steak delivered in a sizzling skillet."
  "No way. No way white people will eat meat out of a pan."
  "Yes way. Yes way all day. You bring them tortillas, veggies, and steak, and they assemble it themselves. It's like an edible IKEA chair."
  "Or Legos you can eat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
• "Why do they put the classifieds so close to the comics? I keep getting distracted by the misfortunes of Cathy. None of those swimsuits are right, Cathy. None of them." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
• "Come on. Let's celebrate. Hey boys, go ahead. Crank up the AC to low." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
• RT: "The 9 to 5 videogame was developed but never released (by 20th C Fox Games)" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
• "I need to walk out of the MasterChef Junior kitchen with that trophy more than I need to do anything else in my life." (MasterChef Junior, S03E08)
• MasterChef Junior Season Grade: D

(New Girl, S04E17)

• "Ugh. I feel like Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan…or the other way around."
  "Now I know those are the characters from the original 90210, but that's about my ceiling. Dylan… Was his nickname the Peach Pit? Because I remember… I remember that being a whole thing."
  "I'm sorry. I'm a little wound up."
  "You should be wound up, because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice. Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit." (New Girl, S04E17)
• "How many men you think we've killed? Between the three us, you figure we've got…a hundred?"
  "That sniper guy said he got 255 all by his lonesome. But, you know, take that with a grain of salt, since he was a Seal." (Justified, S06E06)
• "How come he had your card on him?"
  "He's my realtor." (Justified, S06E06)
• "You know where I think you went wrong? You hired a bunch of mercs 'cause they look the shit in jungle fatigues. Turns out, they know killing, but they don't know crime." (Justified, S06E06)
• "Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes." (Justified, S06E06)
• "That's the whole point of thrash – gotta be loud enough to drive everything else out of your head." (Justified, S06E06)
• RT: "Aw Choo-Choo, I thought you were going out by your namesake and then they pulled the rug out" (Justified, S06E06)
• Jean-Ralphio champagne (Parks and Recreation, S07E12)

(Parks and Recreation, S07E12)

• Parks and Recreation Season Grade: B-
• "Hakeem got a thing for the ladies / The ladies got a thing for the Hakeem." (Empire, S01E08)
• "The best always goes last." (Empire, S01E08)
• "The joys of being the son of a black man." (Empire, S01E08)
• "Don't mess with me, Cookie. I'm not one of your jailbird mates, okay?"
  "I wish you were. You probably would've made a good bitch for me. You look like you got a long tongue." (Empire, S01E08)
• "Adam's Apple is like the balls of the throat." (Black-ish, S01E15)
• "I've got bad news."
  "Kim Kardashian stopped messing with black guys?"
  "Worse."
  "Zoe Saldana stopped messing with white guys?" (Black-ish, S01E15)
• "It's just science. The dark is the absence of photons. That's it."
  "Wait, so there's no photons?!"
  "Nope."
  "Where did the photons go?! Did they go into me? Oh God, I'm full of photons!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
• "Your breath smells like…like slavery!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
• Henry asking how Mrs. Beeman is (The Americans, S03E05)
• Elizabeth crushing a man with a car (The Americans, S03E05)
• "Now he's doing that thing where he pretend to get a text." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E07)
• "There, now that's not so hard, is it?"
  "So, do you guys do phrasing, or…?" (Archer, S06E08)
• "Sorry I tried to spit-roast your mom." (Archer, S06E08)

Steve Buscemi (Portlandia, S05E08)

• All of the art collection gags in the first scene (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
• "I'm your biggest fan, Jay Z. I switched to Samsung because of you." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
• "Now my butler Memphis Bleek will be here in exactly one minute to pick me up." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
• "Et tu, Memphis Bleek?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
• Detour: Feed each other ramen in front of a blowing fan? (The Amazing Race, S26E02)
• How much Little Caesars do contestants eat during filming? (King of the Nerds, S03E06)

(King of the Nerds, S03E06)

• Burton is a eunuch? (Banshee, S03E08)
• Why is the French Quarter so deserted? (Banshee, S03E08)

(Banshee, S03E08)

• Home Improvement gags (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E08)
• "Now, what's the matter? You usually only make that face when someone's trying to explain Kwanzaa." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
• "Have you ever heard of civet coffee?"
  "Oh, that's what this is?"
  "Not exactly. This has passed through the intestines of a former child star. Even better. It has the special kind of bitterness that only child stars can conjure up. It's rich, like your parents, and dark, like the people you pushed out of this neighbourhood." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
• "Cromuffbabkasant." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
• "Excuse me. Apatow royalty coming through." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
• "Oh, no. He's going to do something horrible to himself."
  "Oh, good lord. He's going to watch an original show on Amazon Prime." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)

#clipoftheweek

• Rikishi Stinkface Compilation