A lonely person, lost in thought, oblivious of time

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♫ Is it weird that I hear angels every time that you moan?
Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?
Is it weird that I hear trumpets when you're turning me on?
Is it weird that your bra remind me of a Katy Perry song? ♫

Jon: Is it weird that the girl he's addressing doesn't cut him off after he sings that her ass reminds him of a Kanye West song?

Jon: Is it weird that your ass remind me of "Barry Bonds"?

Rory: Is it weird that your bra remind me of "E.T."?

Jon: Is it weird that your eyes remind me of "Princess of China"?

Rory: Is it weird I hear sad trombones when I sing this song?

Jon: What do angels sound like? And does he hear them in addition to her moaning, or does her moaning sound like angels moaning?

Rory: Sketch idea: Jason Derulo takes a Rorschach test.

Gay Son or Hoe Daughter

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"My mother tries to guess the names of Smash Bros. characters."

"The Cube"—a hollowed-out block of brioche stuffed with French fries or mac 'n cheese—started off as an inside joke, a riff off the mystery boxes in Super Mario Bros. that reward players with medals or mushrooms, super leaves or fire flowers.

"We were, like, let's just have fun with this—let's stuff it with fries. Then we started getting crazy." [source]

Hammer Bros. jump pretty high for dudes carrying a bunch of hammers.

The 6 ain't friendly but it's where I lay up

on

At the American Film Market:

Dogs are having their day, between Space Dogs: Adventure to the Moon, Army Dog starring AFM staple Casper Van Dien, Guard Dog, and Dude, Where's My Dog?, about an invisible pooch.

"Dog movies sell great," one seller told me between sips of 6PM wine outside his company's suite. "Unless the dog dies."

How lucky we are to live in a world with not one, not two, but THREE films about invisible dogs.

The dog in Guard Dog is also invisible, as it is figuratively GOD.

Nine year-old Chance Watson is lying, cheating, stealing, and flunking out of school. Then, one night, a wonderful, magical sheepdog appears and promises to make his dreams come true, if he can follow "The Rules."

ABBA'S RULES:
• I'm your dog. You can't have any other dogs, and you have to love me.
• Rest is important.
• No lying.
• No stealing.
• No cheating.
• Do what your parents tell you to do.
• No killing – not even people's dreams or hopes.
• No being jealous of other people's stuff. Learn to share.
• The way people look has nothing to do with whom they are inside.
• Forgive those who hurt you.

At a school board meeting the parents are engaged in a debate on the issue of the invisible dog. Some say the lessons are wonderful and the kids are benefitting from them, others insist they are based on the ranting of a delusional boy and should be banned.

She asks her brother if he ever sees Abba any more. He answers, "I don't have to. I know he's always there."

Guard Dog was produced by magician Lance Burton.

Rory: Robot dog.
Jon: Yes. C.H.O.M.P.S.
Rory: Ninja dog.
Jon: No.
Rory: Vampire dog.
Jon: Yes. Vampire Dog.
Rory: Zombie dog.
Jon: Yes. Pet Sematary 2.
Rory: Shark dog.
Jon: No. Well, Eek! the Cat…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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46. Bachelorette Party Mantasy (Friends of the People, S01E03)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Drink the ranch! Drink the ranch!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
  • "Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe. Carl, back me up on this."
    "Yes, little spoon all the way." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
  • "Look, my job is to make you prove he did it. It's the basis of our entire justice system. What, you think John Adams was just some idiot?"
    "No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch because it looked like a book." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)


(Mr. Pickles, S01E08)


(Toast of London, S02E02)

  • Death by paper cutter blade (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "Young man, business suit, esophagus lacerated from index cards shoved down his throat." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • Bruce using his father's watch as knuckles (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "He tried to kill me."
    "That's right. He did. He tried to kill you. Just you remember that next time you see him – and you remember that I let him try. [to Bruce] Now let's get some ice on those knuckles. What do you fancy for your dinner?"
    "Pizza."
    "Pizza. Superb choice, Master Bruce." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "It's not that I love fighting, but I'm not afraid to either." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "So. Your dad's in politics? Is he a Republican or a Democrat?"
    "He wears a tie." (MasterChef Junior, S02E02)
  • "I'm terrible at lying; I'm terrific at make believe." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "I just cried on my penis while I was peeing. That happened." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "It's a very hard time to be gay. Girls are wearing scarves and boots. They have so many layers to them. What is underneath all those layers? I want to find out."
    "Are you blaming autumn?" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "Can we agree that this not the most mature way to handle things, even though it's pretty fun?"
    "It's no fun a couple bellinis and a round of Apples to Apples can't solve."
    "What kind of gay are you?"
    "I'm still finding it." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "What's women?" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "So what kind of guys do you like to date?"
    "Ripped nerds. Sleepy guys. We in the gay community call them 'drowsers.'" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "The fructose burns my throat." (Friends of the People, S01E03)
  • Marilyn Manson ass-raping Juice (Sons of Anarchy, S07E10)
  • Marilyn Manson reading love poems by Emily Brontë to Juice (Sons of Anarchy, S07E10)
  • "I don't have molars." (Black-ish, S01E07)
  • "I'm about to make it rain up in the comic book store!" (Black-ish, S01E07)


Live-action Butters (South Park, S18E07)

  • "It's like when I had tuberculosis and you took me out to the Utah desert!" (American Horror Story, S04E06)
  • "If there isn't a divider, stand outside her." (The League, S06E11)
  • "Ride with me, my breadless horseman." (The League, S06E11)
  • "No cheese could realistically be inserted up an anus." (Babylon, S01E01)
  • "I know I'm looking a little chub, but I'm preparing for the lead role in Precious: Part 2 – Precious with a Dick." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E02)
  • "Morpheus drinking a 40 in a death basket." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E02)
  • Funyuns flag (Saturday Night Live, S40E06)

#clipoftheweek

Lechuga

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Jon: Identical twins. Male.
Rory: Okay…
Jon: From dusk until dawn, they swap bodies.
Rory: What if they are in different time zones?

Jon: When dusk hits for both of them, they swap bodies until dawn hits for both of them. So if one is in California, and the other is in the Arctic Circle, that complicates matters, as does travel.

Jon: How do you be in a relationship when you're not you at night?

Jon: Perhaps one twin is a middle school teacher and the other a gang enforcer.

Jon: Season two.
Rory: Oh a second season!
Jon: Second season or sequel. One of the twins is bitten by a vampire and becomes one. So he can't go outside during the day, and at night, he's someone else. Meanwhile, his brother must now spend his nights procuring blood.

Jon: Season threequel. The twin that's not a vampire becomes a werewolf.

Sharpening Imaginary Mustaches

on

Let's check in on Samuel L. Jackson's filmography.

Kite (2014)
A teenage girl becomes a merciless assassin in pursuit of the man who killed her father. A corrupt cop mentors her.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
A veteran secret agent grooms a teenage delinquent into a super spy.

Barely Lethal (2015)
A teenage special ops agent coveting a "normal" adolescence fakes her own death and enrolls in a suburban high school.

Big Game (2014)
A teenager camping in the woods helps rescue the President of the United States when Air Force One is shot down near his campsite.

Moose (pre-production)
A teenage moose who witnesses his father getting killed by hunters treks to the cabin where the hunters are staying to save the rest of his tribe.

Everything must die for anyone to matter

on

Masturbators gonna bate bate bate bate bate and
Vibrators gonna brate brate brate brate brate
Oh here comes e-jac-u-late late late late late
Need a sock, or a cloth

Rory: Terrible.

My ex-man brought his new girlfriend
She's like "Oh my God," but I'm just gonna wank
And to the fella over there with the hella good hair
Won't you cum all over my face while I wank, wank, wank

Rory: [pause] This is why Adam Riff™ is blocked in schools.
Jon: I have others!

Upperclassmen gonna haze haze haze haze haze and
Buttholes are gonna ache ache ache ache ache
Angry parents gonna cry "rape" "rape" "rape" "rape"
Pay them off, pay them off

Jon: …No?

Wayne and Garth are gonna "way" "way" "way" "way" "way" and
Bill Hader's gonna break break break break break
As Stefon on Weekend Up-date date date date
S-N-L, S-N-L

Men on Film are gonna hate hate hate hate hate and
Homey ain't gonna play play play play pl—
Rory: Ehh…

Taylor Swift's discography isn't on Spotify, but these covers are:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

45. Freemium Gaming 101 (South Park, S18E06)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "The girls' bathroom is nice. Each stall has a tiny metal mailbox. I'm glad I was carrying around that postcard for Ken." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "We don't know if that's water or urine you're lying in."
    "I think it's just water. Yeah, water. No, pee." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "She got catfished by a box." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Where's Tina? Crying into her butt?"
    "No, my butt is dry, and strong." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Gene, it's okay to watch Kitchen Nightmares alone." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Home Depot, I don't wanna fuck an Asian daughter!" (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, 11-02-14)
  • Katia Winter's hips – O_O (Sleepy Hollow, S02E07)
  • "I must Internet immediately." (Sleepy Hollow, S02E07)
  • "I've always really wanted to make a chicken liver pâté." (MasterChef Junior, S02E01)
  • "I'll take him to a water park, I will. I'll put him on one of those water slides between two obese people and he'll get smushed to death. He'll die between the obese people before he drowns in the water." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • The new opening credits stink (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "Would you like a green grape shoved in your— given to your mouth…handed to your mouth?" (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I've never seen someone sweat so much in my life. It looks like your body is crying." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I understand what you're saying about killing all the black people. When we do, maybe we could just…not kill Will Smith?" (Friends of the People, S01E02)
  • "I guess the KKK will only hate John Cusack?" (Friends of the People, S01E02)
  • "Soon Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "It's the Canadian devil."
    "Beelzaboot." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "When you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian devil." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "Mayonnaise has healing properties." (The League, S06E10)
  • Tiny woman's tiny violin (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "This body is America – strong, violent, and full of limitless potential. (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "I will be the U.S. Steel of murder." (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "Don't fuck with the Peaky Blinders." (Peaky Blinders, S02E06)
  • Peaky Blinders Season Grade: C-
  • "Katt Williams… More like Fatt Williams."
    "Next joke! Katt Williams is very thin!" (The Eric Andre Show, S03E01)
  • "Was that your wife? ..Your girlfriend? …Mistress? ….Sister?"
    "She's just some bitch I fucked after I went to see Raisin in the Sun starring Denzel Washington." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E01)
  • "I did Zaxxon." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E14)

#clipoftheweek