Adam Riff™

I snagged a ticket to this next week. It was $185, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to experience a Wolvesmouth meal.

While searching for brunch spots in Louisville, I stumbled upon SuperChef's Breakfast, a restaurant located in the back of a consignment shop.

Which Super Duper Cake are you?

I'm a Sub-Zero.

Also available from the SuperChef:

Peanut Butter and Jelly Oatmeal
slow cooked steel cut oatmeal intensified with creamy peanut butter and topped with our house made grape jelly

And in Seattle:

PB&J Bread Pudding (Miller's Guild)
house made donut with raspberry sauce and vanilla ice cream

PB&J Jalapeno Poppers (Shelter Lounge)
panko breaded jalapeno peppers stuffed with cream cheese and peanut butter. served with a sweet, spicy jelly

Sushi rolls in Kentucky (Dragon King's Daughter):

Lot of cream cheese on the sushi menu. Blech.

Not to be outdone by Taco Bell's waffle taco and Domino's specialty chicken, Subway is testing a Kung Pao pulled pork sandwich in Seattle.

And at Panda Express:

I like how the two "woks" are healthy food and unhealthy food.

I understand why parks have closing times, but how are they enforceable?

My hotel in Louisville had a pool, and whenever I have access to a pool, I will use it.

The pool was deserted when I arrived, save for a lad lounging in a corner, who sprung up when he saw me.

Did I…? Oh. He's the lifeguard.

I felt bad for him, having to sit and watch me swim laps for 90 minutes. Couldn't fuck around on his phone or listen to music. Just me and his rescue tube.

I hope he's paid well. Eh, probably not. What a thankless job. Should I tip him?

Meanwhile, I felt self-conscious being the only person in the pool, the only show in town.

G-d knows what he thought about that backstroke lap. Maybe I shouldn't do butterfly.

Comedy Video Idea: A supercut of average Joes swimming the butterfly stroke.

The Fast and the Furious with wheelbarrows.

I just finished reading Shovel Ready by Adam Sternbergh, about a garbage man-turned-hit man in post-apocalyptic New York City. A sequel is in the works.

It's hokey but it's true. You learn things hauling trash.

Lesson one. Don't buy cheap bags. They always tear. If not in your hands, then in mine. No discount bag ever went to its grave without being loudly cursed along the way.

Lesson two. There is nothing, and no one, that you will become attached to in this life that you will not one day discard.

Or they discard you.

Or you die.

Those are the only outcomes.

Lesson three.

You'll leave a trail of trash on this Earth that will far exceed anything of worth you leave behind. For every ounce of heirloom, you'll leave a ton of landfill.

Your real legacy will be buried in a dump somewhere.

And the richer you are, the more trash you leave behind.

After the first attacks, the ones on 9/11, so they tell me, they took the rubble of the towers to a landfill.

Fresh Kills.

Sifted through it, searching for bodies. Bits of bodies. Bits of bits. Did their best and found what they could and left the rest of it there, buried.

True story.

Landfill became a graveyard.

The landfill doesn't care.

Never more than a whisper of difference between them to begin with. [61-62]

Rick is fortysomething, but he's smoked himself older. [78]

I may have once had some thin faith in something like cosmic justice, but now I believe in box-cutters. [153]

Spademan, stop it. It's suicide.

I shrug.

Here's the part I can't explain to Mark.

It's been a long time since I needed to do something.

I've done a lot of things, but not out of need.

And I've learned there are a lot of ways, and ugly places, where things can end.

Backyards. Garbage bags. Subway trains.

Most people don't get to choose. [188-189]

• A Post-Apocalyptic RPG With Hip Hop Artists

For the second time this year, my services were no longer needed in New York City. Fine by me.

[checks bay area weather forecast]

91° on Wednesday and Thursday?!

A regional transit day pass costs $9. Requires an ORCA card. ORCA cards cost $5.

But I don't need an ORCA card! I'm only in Seattle for four days! How broke is King County Metro Transit?

One day later: Hi. Can you break a five for me? Only if I buy something?

Two days later: Bollocks. I'm short a quarter. It's 2014! Why don't buses accept credit cards?

[pays $2.50 bus fare with three one dollar bills, receives no change]

I wonder how Washington's tourism office feels about King County Metro Transit's tyranny.

Oh. Heh. Washington eliminated its tourism office in 2011.

Lyft just launched in Louisville and is advertising unlimited free rides for two weeks.

Ever the opportunist, I travel to an ice cream shop via Lyft. My driver is a jovial bloke, and I am his first-ever passenger.

I check my mobile after he drops me off.

Consider a donation of $13.

[pause]

I expected to be asked to tip for my free ride, but a $13 "donation"? If you advertise free rides, shouldn't you be able to comfortably cover the cost of all the free rides you're offering?

I decrease the donation amount to $3 – a 20%-plus tip – and am informed that low donations may make it hard for me to get rides in the future.

[pause]

Philanthropic blackmail.

I end up donating $5, rationalizing that I just won't use Lyft again. If I receive a low rating from my driver, so be it.

I wrestle with guilt the rest of the afternoon. What if $5 is all he earns? What kind of maiden passenger am I? But….."free"!

I travel back to my hotel via uberX.

I saw a man getting his hair cut in a barber shop inside Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

I want to know the reasoning behind branding newsstands in airports with cable news networks – CNN, CNBC, Fox News. What cachet do they add?

Are there liberals who will not buy snacks from a Fox News-branded newsstand?

Which Wu-Tang-Clan-themed poutine are you?

I'm a Pinky Ring.

The Black Lodge is a Twin Peaks-themed vegetarian restaurant in Vancouver, BC.

Portland Craft is a Portland, OR-inspired restaurant in Vancouver, BC. On the menu: A small pickle plate called "We Can Pickle That," and a fried chicken and waffle platter called "Put a Bird on It."

Transylvanian Traditions is a bakery in Vancouver, BC. Its tagline is "The heaven of desserts."

A jambalaya with bacon and black bean salsa? (Cactus Club Cafe)

"biodynamic aged risotto" (Farmer's Apprentice)

• Pulled Pork Doughnuts (Twisted Fork Bistro)
"tossed in sea salt with pulled pork juices"

• Perogy Poutine (Smoke's Poutinerie)

• Bamboo-Charcoal Dark Miso Ramen (Motomachi Shokudo)
The charcoal powder is said to clean toxins from the body.

• Raw Vegan Avocado Key Lime Pie (The Pie Hole)

If JJ Bean and L.L. Bean mated… Jelly Bean.

So this is a real thing.

Thursday
At lunch with Pinder, he notes that tomorrow is a holiday in Canada. It's Good Friday.

Friday
Huh. He was serious about Good Friday being a holiday. Good Friday is a national holiday in Canada?!

Good Friday is a national holiday in Canada, but Thanksgiving is not.

Man, chip-and-PIN credit cards, Good Friday off… What else?

What time is it? 8:40pm. Hmm… And the film is at 10:40pm. I think I have enough time to eat dinner in Chinatown.

I rush out of the lobby of my hotel, glance backward to see if any buses are approaching, and [THUNK] briskly walk face first into a pole.

As I type this, my left eyebrow is still swollen.

I reach the cineplex early and kill time in a nearby supermarket, where I encounter

calamari and tzatziki-flavoured potato chips.

I buy a bag to try.

Entering the cineplex, my ticket-taker informs me that no outside food is allowed.

Oh, I'm not gonna eat these during the film. They're for later.

Okay, well, if anyone sees you eating them, you will be kicked out.

I look at my ticket-taker's badge. Name: Bill. Favourite film: A Serbian Film.

At first I was like, "TimePlay? [groan]," but then I was like, "Fuckin' TimePlay. How does it work?"

Chip-and-PIN credit cards, Good Friday off, TimePlay.

Kamloops is sneaky difficult to pronounce.

"Kamloomps."

I am chuffed to announce the line-up for Couchella 2014:

Thanks to Alex Smith for his help with the poster. We needed a new one to accommodate 150 programmes – 30 more than last year.

• Couchella 2013
• Couchella 2012
• Couchella 2011