What good is west coast weather if you're bi-polar?

Previously on Adam Riff™ (May 22, 2004):

I ran into a group of people standing outside Jerry's Famous Deli all looking at the Kinko's across the street. I turned my head and saw a tall black man standing in front of the counter at Kinko's. My immediate reaction was —Oh snap! He's robbing the place!

Turns out it was Shaq getting something copied.


While stapling scripts today at Kinko's, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a customer walk behind the service counter to proof something. I looked up and it was Spike Lee.

My random celebrity encounters in New York City:
1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
2. Kanye West
3. That Zac bloke from Unique Sweets
4. Spike Lee


Sometimes it seems like scaffolding covers half the buildings in New York. At any given moment, says the Department of Buildings, over a million feet of New York sidewalks are covered by construction sheds. [source]

Art Exhibit Idea: Scaffold City: photos of New York City shrouded in scaffolding


"You know what we HAVE to do when we visit New York City? Buy a framed photo of One Direction."


I wonder where fruit cart vendors in New York City get their fruit. I like to think that, like, Safeway is behind all the fruit carts in New York City – another revenue stream.

[sees Hispanic woman selling mangoes in Union Square]

—How much for one bag?
—$3.

$3?! But you just sliced up a mango and bagged it! That like a 200% mark-up! This probably isn't a whole mango either!

—I'll give you $2.25.



Homeless people with dogs – fair or foul?

I've never seen a homeless person with a cat.

Yelp reviews written by Tyler B.

The Darby
The club itself has a tight door, luckily, I'm fortunate enough to have friends in virtually every major city that matters who are highly connected.

Delano
I was beyond annoyed when security asked to see my room key for me to go to the pool area, my room key was at my table which I explained to him but he simply would not let me go over to the pool area. I additionally looked like a hotel guest, in plenty of Hermes.

Dolce & Gabbana
I like to avoid tourists at all costs, not like the cool European ones or ones from New York but like the ones from middle America who think people in California actually wear Hollister (gross).

Souplantation
Souplantation is exactly what I picture a soup kitchen to be minus the homeless people. I don't see how a place can charge $10 for unlimited food unless that food is cheap and of poor quality.

Pressed Juicery
Prior to the cleanse, I had followed a vegan diet for 11 (almost 12) years. I am pretty healthy. Unhealthy aspects of my life? I drink and smoke.

Fresh East
Me with a bag of Fritos at 2 AM? YEAH RIGHT! My standards for what I put in my body in terms of food remain even when I was completely f*cked up.

Pressed Juicery
As I mentioned before I wanted to lose a little weight. My abs are much more defined than they were before and I don't have bump protruding when I'm not flexing.

A.P.C.
I never have had a pair of jeans that showed my perfect legs…UNTIL A.P.C.

Desert Rose Restaurant
My waitress was a little rude. I asked her if she could charge my phone for me and she acted really shocked that I would ask such a question. Like what?

Daft Punk is praying at my mosque

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Feb 13, 2008):

Television shows I'm most eager to watch each week
5. jPod
4. Skins
3. Lost
2. The Wire
1. Breaking Bad

It's not too late to jump on the Bad-wagon. Only three episodes have aired.


To be fair, Jonny has come lately to a number of shows – The Shield, 24, Lost, Mad Men. I've still never seen the first season of Lost.


Do kids still buy graphing calculators? Or is it all graphing calculator smartphone apps nowadays? And if it's smartphone apps, how do you prevent cheating during tests? And do the apps come with Drugwars?

Texas Instruments still sells the TI-83?!

I myself rocked an 85.


I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by cronuts, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix


I wonder if any children will dress as Trayvon Martin for Halloween.

I should hand out Skittles on Halloween wearing a hoodie.

If you ever want to extract information from me, force me to listen to "Clarity" by Zedd on a loop. I would rather George Zimmerman be acquitted for killing me than listen to "Clarity" by Zedd.

Idea: A mash-up of "New Slaves" and "Greensleeves." I can hear it in my head.

The stuff you stumble upon while searching for images of blackheads on the Internet…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

32. International Superstars (Childrens Hospital, S05E03)

All played by James Adomian!

Alas, no Tom Leykis.


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • What a waste of plates (MasterChef, S04E18)
  • Adventure Time cameo (Futurama, S07E22)
  • "You're only a serial killer if you enjoy it." (The Bridge, S01E05)
  • Danny has a paper route, the girl in The Spectacular Now has a paper route – kids still have paper routes? (Broadchurch, S01E01)
  • "She blew Chicago." (Clear History, 08-10-13)

#clipoftheweek

Super Disco Disco Breakin'

I spent sixth through twelfth grade wearing the gamut of orthodontic appliances to correct shark teeth, but was not diligent with retainers in college, and a lower canine tooth consequently liberated itself. It's not really noticeable to eyes, but my tongue can feel the misalignment.

When I consulted a dentist about my errant tooth during a teeth cleaning, she just shrugged and remarked, "Teeth will settle where they feel comfortable."

I'd be lying if I said that my errant tooth didn't bother me – sometimes mightily so – but whenever I consider fixing it, I conclude that I'm too old for that shit. "Oh well."

Enter my mother.

"Jon, if your teeth aren't straight, they'll fall out when you're older. You need to fix that tooth."

And so, I type this while wearing retainers I had molded earlier this week, saliva sliming my mouth and lisp in my speech.

Orthodontist: You need to wear them at all times for at least two months.

Two months from now is my 31st birthday.

The O.C.: 10 Years Later

Chris Brown has only ever appeared on two scripted primetime television programmes: The O.C. and Tosh.0.

George Lucas has only ever appeared on two scripted primetime television programmes: The O.C. and Just Shoot Me!.

Ben McKenzie's character on The O.C. journeys from rough Chino to plush Newport Beach, while his character on Southland journeys reversely from Bel Air to Central Los Angeles.

If he ever plays a television character in Santa Clarita, that's a SoCal bingo! – north, south, east, west, central.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

31. The Execution of Ray Seward (The Killing, S03E10)


Stray Observations

  • "Book agents beat their wives." (The Newsroom, S02E03)
  • "I wanted to brush up my game." (Catfish: The TV Show, S02E06)
  • "Let's just say that I need a place to hide."
    [simultaneously] "That I need a place to hide." (Childrens Hospital, S05E02)
  • "There's no such place as 465 Lick My Butthole Lane. Lick My Butthole Lane ends at 426, then skips right to the 700s after Central Boulevard." (Childrens Hospital, S05E02)
  • "I performed an elaborate museum heist just so I could steal one of those child mummies and have sex with it. […] I got to have sex with something very young but very old at the same time."
    "It's kinda like having sex with Emmanuel Lewis." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E04)

#clipoftheweek