Let's cast an NHL coaches movie!

on

Jon: Quenneville… I feel like I've seen dozens of actors who look like him. Tom Selleck?

Jon: Who's next?
Seth: Umm, Sharks coach Todd McLellan.
Jon: Free association: Adam Arkin, but McLellan has a rounder head.
Rory: He looks like Jason Bateman in this photo.

Seth: Rangers coach John Tortorella.
Rory: Timothy Busfield?
Jon: I can see Kevin Costner playing him.
Josh: You know who would be good? Ron Silver. Alas, he's dead.
Seth: Now I'm picturing Torts barking "His father is the district attorney!" at a ref.

Seth: Mighty Ducks coach Bruce Boudreau.
Jon: Is Calvert DeForest still alive?
Rory: What about that confetti dude?
Jon: Rip Taylor? Eh…

Seth: Bruins coach Claude Julien.
Josh: Who plays Varys on Game of Thrones? Him – as Varys, as Claude Julien.

Seth: The success of this cast hinges on make-up.

Seth: Capitals coach Adam Oates.
Josh: He looks like a character in Warren Beatty's Dick Tracy film…played by Ray Liotta.

Seth: Penguins coach Dan Bylsma.
Jon: That's what the Pens' coach looks like?
Rory: I see a babyfaced Jason Clarke.

30 minutes later

Jon: Hmmph. I'm stumped. He somehow looks like both everyone and no one. What does that facial match website say?

Jon: [pause]

30 minutes later

Jon: Could we computer generate him?

Jon: Only 19 more to go.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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21. Cosgrove Follies (Mad Men, S06E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Sex Doll (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous, S01E04)
  • Fresh Prince Reunion (The Graham Norton Show, 05-24-13)

Stray Observations


(The 2013 Billboard Music Awards, 05-19-13)

  • "I am the god of tits and wine. I shall build a shrine to myself." (Game of Thrones, S03E08)
  • "And so my watch begins." (Game of Thrones, S03E08)
  • "I've had loss in my life. You have to let yourself feel it." (Mad Men, S06E08)
  • "Are we negroes?" (Mad Men, S06E08)
  • "I was like the Hunter S. Thompson of bar mitzvahs." (Veep, S02E06)
  • "Compared to you, that Monet…a piece of shit." (Veep, S02E06)
  • "Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks." (Veep, S02E06)
  • "Hey Catherine. Pretty nice cake you got there." (Veep, S02E06)
  • "Died so young with a broken heart and lungs full of the flatulence of his betrayer." (Family Tree, S01E02)
  • "SCREW OFF, SHITHEAD!" (Bates Motel, S01E10)
  • Watch Vera Farmiga's Most Hysterical Freak Outs on Bates Motel
  • RT: I love how Bates Motel is set in 20-1952-87-05. (Bates Motel, S01E10)
  • What is that on Teddy's butt? Hair? (Rectify, S01E06)
  • Oh. It was ground coffee. (Rectify, S01E06)
  • RT: I had a big problem with the setting of the corpse totem construction. Isolated on a deserted beach backed by a forest, the only realistic way for a single man to construct the totem was while it was laying on the ground, just as Will fantasized. But the core of the totem is a massive log (looked at least two feet thick, about 20 feet long). It would weigh well over two tons and would require a massive truck to get it out to the beach. Add 15 people's body parts stuck to the pole, the construction would probably be close to 6,000 pounds. There's no counterweighted pulley system I can imagine (in the middle of a long stretch of beach) that would enable one man to lift the totem into a vertical position. You would need an industrial crane to lift the totem into a vertical position, and even then it would not be a one man job. On top of that, there's no way one man could build one side of the totem "decorations" and do anything to the other side until it was lifted into a vertical position (and secured in a very deep hole). Then you would probably need scaffolding to attach the body parts to the other side. It was a huge, arduous project that would require industrial vehicles and (probably) a small team of coworkers. All in the middle of nowhere with what appeared to be no easy access. Then we find out that the killer is a non-muscular guy in his mid-60s. (Hannibal, S01E09)
  • RT: My first thought was "where the hell is there a beach in West Virginia?" (Hannibal, S01E09)
  • "It's Filipine, anyway. What is that? Some kind of Chinese-Mexican hybrid, right?" (Maron, S01E04)

#clipoftheweek

Looking ahead:

Trimm Trabb

on

1. I hear Mike Pizza tastes faaaaabulous.

2. In what universe is orange juice and mayonnaise (or orange-flavoured mayonnaise) delicious?

3. #Blessed? What?

4. Mike Pizza comes topped with Italian sausage. [ducks]

5. As Chopped only seems to produce gimmick episodes nowadays, how 'bout an all-delicious-names episode?

"For the appetizer round, you must use: Cocoa Crisped Rice Cereal, Strawberries, Trout, and Peppers."

Worse for the wear

on

12:12am – Manhattan

[lies down on couch]

I am exhausted.

12:20am

Fuck it's hot. My skin feels like a frog's.

[opens windows beside couch]

How is traffic still bustling this late on a Wednesday?

12:25am

Aaaand now a couple is fighting directly outside.

Where did I store those earplugs I got at that David Blaine stunt?

12:30am

[mobile text notification]

Who could it be? Oh. Ty.

Ty: Ken Marino and I chatted about esoteric comedy re: arrested development

12:45am

Ty: I was totally cockblocking him and he didn't seem to mind

1:00am

Ty: The stuff he touches has a very dark streak.
Jon: Ah.
Ty: You don't think so?

JESUS CHRIST, DUDE! This is neither the time nor the medium to be discussing whether Ken Marino's work is darkly comedic!

1:06am

Jon: Hey, sorry to cut this short, but I'm trying to sleep.
Ty: Ditto.

[pause]

Pillow Talk with Ty®.

1:16am

I need, like, a sweat scarf for my neck.

1:22am

Guh. Why are you jackhammering at this hour? Garbage trucks, I can accept, but…

5:08am

"Jon! Jon! Wake up!"
"[adjusts eyes] What's up?"
"Can you to change the profile picture on the film's Facebook page?"
"What? You can't do it?"
"I don't have permission."
"Uhh… I'm signed in on my laptop. Just brighten the screen."
"How do I do that?"
"Top left of the keyboard."
"Top left…?"
"[sigh] Move aside."

[looks at clock on computer screen]

It's only 2:10am? I was only asleep for, like, 20 minutes? Oh. It's still set to PST.

Live Thog: Star Trek Into Darkness (by Jay Gatsby)

on

The voice cast for Epic is bizarre, old sport.

Of all songs, a ménage à trois to Fatboy Slim's remix of "Body Movin,'" old sport?

Oh. Right. Beastie Boys continuity from the first film, old sport.

Chekov switches to a red shirt – a Chekhov's gun, old sport?

Cheeeeekooov
You don't have to put on the red shirt
Be gunned down abruptly
You don't have to give your body to this fight

He surrenders? Methinks they're being Joker'd, old sport.

Supercut Idea, old sport: Film villains in glass cells.

The coordinates, old sport, are: 4 8 15 16 23 42.

The Port of San Francisco is surprisingly happening place, old sport – a preview of after the Warriors' arena opens?

Shouldn't the head of Starfleet have tighter security on his ship, old sport? No one notices Scotty?

How silly must this skeletoning through space scene have looked on a green soundstage, old sport?

Where, old sport, did Scotty's lil' coral reef pal go?

Cheaters may live long, but they never prosper, old Spock. You could say that Spock consulted SpockNotes.

If nothing else, old sport, Spock's stubble really pops in IMAX.

San Franciscans don't seem too fazed by a massive ship crashing into their city, old sport.

Snap zooms are the new lens flares, old sport.

Has Kirk been wearing jeans the whole time, old sport?

That, old sport, was like J.J. Abrams' demo reel for the Star Wars directorial job. Millennium Falcon chase on Kronos!

I wonder, old sport, if Michael Giacchino will score Episode VII.

To stand under the rain and let Seattle wash me

on

(hat tip: matt langer)

Bartender: Can I see some ID?

Bartender: You're 30 years old?!
Jon: Heh. Yup.

Bartender: You should cherish looking young.

The editors for the film I'm working on are mostly graduating NYU students. Two of them asked me to attend a joint birthday/graduation party.

Jon: Are you not old enough to buy alcohol? Is that why you want me to—?

Jake: No, no. We'd just like for you to attend.

Jon: Well, I dunno… I shouldn't be partying with college seniors. I mean, I'm almost a decade older!

Ann: At least pop by for a drink. One drink.

I felt like Don Draper.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

20. Bestisch Mensch (The Office, S09E24)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Trainspotting reference (Bob's Burgers, S03E23)
  • "He gave us his magic and then he disappeared, just like Toad the Wet Sprocket." (Bob's Burgers, S03E23)
  • "Girls see more blood than boys." (Game of Thrones, S03E07)
  • "You're mine, as I am yours. And if we die, we die. But first, we'll live." (Game of Thrones, S03E07)
  • "Gilligan's Island always works. Every brand is represented." (Mad Men, S06E07)
  • "You exist in this room for my pleasure." (Mad Men, S06E07)
  • RT: Sylvia and Don are in room 503, which is also the SMTP error code for a "Bad Command Sequence" (Mad Men, S06E07)
  • Ted Chaough says DEAL WITH IT (Mad Men, S06E07)
  • "Some paper is calling you 'the europhobic Khaleesi from D.C.'"
    "Europhobic? Seriously? What is that supposed to mean? I'm scared of subtitles?" (Veep, S02E05)
  • Angry Birds clock (Veep, S02E05)
  • "It's not like we can go public with the grope. It would define you. Your tit being fondled by a Finn?…would be all you're remembered for." (Veep, S02E05)
  • "Because of the axis of dick." (Veep, S02E05)
  • "I'm sorry that I ever set foot in that fucking fish-eating, indie film fucking hellhole." (Veep, S02E05)
  • Bucky the Badger? (New Girl, S02E25)
  • "Cotton-Eyed Joe" (New Girl, S02E25)
  • "This is where I belong – with Winston and a badger!" (New Girl, S02E25)
  • "I've been through every state – depressed, catatonic, Arkansas…" (Modern Family, S04E23)
  • "I live in Poland now, the Scranton of the E.U." (The Office, S09E24)
  • "I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream." (The Office, S09E24)
  • "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good ol' days before you've actually left them." (The Office, S09E24)


(Hannibal, S01E08)

#clipoftheweek

A heart attack shoveling snow all alone

on

MTV announced the nominees for its O Music Awards.

Next Big Scene
PostDubStep
CloudRap
Beats
#Seapunk
Vaporwave

PostDubStep?

CloudRap was coined by Lil B during an interview in which he pointed to a dreamy poster of a castle floating on a cloud and declared: "That's the kind of music I want to make." [source]

#Seapunk [is] a genre of dance music and fashion influenced by dolphins and vintage web culture. [source]

[pause]

A compressed form of electronic music inspired by the net-art aesthetic — often with jungle and trance influences — Vaporwave treads on capitalist ideas as a means to overthrow those same ideas. [source]

I can't.

PizzaCrust #nextbigscene
Coined by Rob Miller while high.

Maremo #nextbigscene
A genre of emo music and fashion influenced by Dolphins quarterbacks.