Adam Riff™

I would like to see what would happen if a broadcast network counterprogrammed a major awards show with another major awards show. What if CBS aired the Grammys against the Oscars?

Rory: E! would implode.

For its Oscars party, Williamsburg's Nitehawk Cinema is serving food and drink inspired by this year's "best picture" nominees:

Zero Dark Thirty
Food: The Compound (spiced rubbed lamb, pickled red onion, curry aioli, pita, cucumber and cumin salad)
Beverage: Founders Porter

Silver Linings Playbook
Food: Philly Style "Kandy Kakes" (vanilla cake, peanut butter ganache)
Beverage: Victory Prima Pils

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Food: Fried Oyster Po' Boy (hush puppies, spicy remoulade)
Beverage: Wink's Bathtub Gin (bulldog gin, lillet blanc, crème de cacao, fresh lemon)

Django Unchained
Food: Dynamite Shrimp and Grits (chipotle lime marinated shrimp, spicy grit cakes, red eye gravy)
Beverage: Candyland (benchmark bourbon, blackberry liqueur, fresh lemon, cinnamon, mint)

Knowing the other three food dishes, I'm surprised that Silver Linings Playbook isn't a cheesesteak. Also, that only four "best picture" nominees inspired food is disappointing.

Les Misérables: a loaf of bread
Lincoln: chicken fricassee (his favourite dish)
Amour: deep fried cervelle de veau (calf brain)
Argo: a california roll (imitation crab meat) – six pieces
Life of Pi: a pizza topped with chunks of your mother, whom the cook killed

The Master (2012)
when i watched this movie started to roll, the first thought came into my mind was how could an almost deformed person like hunchback of Notredame could possibly enlisted in the u.s. navy? the guy was a stooped, one deformed shoulder sagged in with irregular ribs, he couldn't even stand vertically straight, how he could pass the tough training for the grunts? and his mental condition was also obviously totally shattered and been abnormal long before he was enlisted by the navy. he might have already been a weirdo since teenage or even earlier. so how come and how a guy in such a messy condition could be a soldier fighting the 2nd world war? this was obviously a wrong cast signing this great actor to play such weird character in a even weirder movie. then again, the guy was such crazy psychopath to work in a department too. then again, after the crazy uncontrollable incident, the guy got a labor job in the field, then again, the arrangement of the scene became even weirder, his co-workers were from where? those people around him spoke a dialect vaguely like Filipinos, but right after WWII, even the Mexican immigrants were rare if you had seen many other movies with that era as the time zone, there's no way those labors could be from the far east.

then, there're plenty of naked butts all over the place, yet none of them would have turned any normal males on. guess when females in those ugly forms affected by gravity and ages, wearing or not wearing made no big difference. if you want to see beautiful bodies, strongly recommend "Spartacus season 1~3).

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011)
the 2nd thought that troubled me a lot is the movie title: 'salmon fishing in the Yemen'. grammatically speaking, we can use 'THE' in this title if it's 'salmon fishing in the Yemen river(s)' or ' salmon fishing in the rivers(s) of Yemen' or 'salmon fishing in the dam of Yemen', or 'salmon fishing in the Yemeni river', we cannot use 'the' if we say, "salmon fishing in the Canada", but we can use 'the' if we say, 'salmon fishing in the united states (of America) or USA; we cannot use 'the' in 'salmon fishing in the china', but we can use 'the' if the sentence is 'salmon fishing in the Chinese rivers'. so, this movie title basically overturned the grammatical training i used to follow.

Mirror Mirror (2012/I)
really shocked me to death. couldn't imagine a young woman's eyebrows would be so thick, so wide and so long. those eyebrows once showed up on the screen, they turned me off right away. her thick eyebrows also forced me to think that she might have hairy chest and back, maybe she shaved her beard, her arms and her legs. but if she knew to shave or wax those parts, why didn't she go to the threading shop to thread and trim her eyebrows? why the director or even her mother didn't advise her that she must do something about her eyebrows first? i've read all of the reviews and only found out there is only one reviewer mentioned such disastrous eyebrows. how could i accept her as the convincing and believable THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL in our fairy tales that had been in my childhood dreams? my god, those eyebrows…..

Lockout (2012)
sending criminals into the space prison? do you know how much it'd cost, you moron? nasa couldn't even continue the space projects since every launch cost so much. space travels from earth are only for those who are filthy rich but not for those who are guilty criminals. do you guys know how much it would cost to maintain the existing space station in the present orbit? sentencing criminals into the space to freeze them up is one thing, maintaining the life system with prison warden, security force, making the space prison a normal operation, the logistic cost would be larger than the defense budget. and why all the most vicious criminals are British citizens? why mr. besson didn't put some french criminals into the space prison? and why America is still playing the world/global police and has the jurisdiction and obligation to administer the outer space prison?

Battleship (2012)
guy wanted to impress the young woman in the bar, did a 'break & entering' grand theft to get a burrito in the local convenience store, video recorded, tasered by the police, released next day, got a icy tub treatment, then joined the navy? since when the navy would allow a guy with criminal record to be recruited in the navy? the guy committed a serious crime would still be able to sleep on the couch of his brother's place same night?

Melancholia (2011)
so the world was going to come to an end, and a wedding had panned out due to the late and delay of the new couple riding a long limo that got todrive to the deep countryside to have a grand wedding ceremony and the limo simply couldn't handle the curvy and narrow country road all way to that remote mansion. my god, how cruel you two lousy families that decided to hold a wedding ceremony in such deserted countryside?

200 M.P.H. (2011) (V)
both sons looked already over 20 yrs old, the elder brother even looked like reached the 30s, and their mother was still a stripper, a so-called exotic dancer in a strip nightclub? so lets figure out how it was possible that her 2nd son was eligible for a high school graduate applying for college? so suppose it was as the screenplay described, if her 2nd son was 18 yrs old, when did she have the first son? and her first son almost looked reaching 30…..well, unless she had her 1st son when she was 13 and had her 2nd son when she was….eh….well, 16? otherwise how could you accept that she was still able to do the job as a strip dancer? with two son looked and acted like in the 30 and 25, no matter how she tried, she'd in the age of 45 or 55, might hold the world record as the oldest striper still working every night.

John Carter (2012)
But "John Carter", a production cost over $2.5 billions, the creation was so pathetically thin and shallow, it shamelessly copied and so directly from so many storyline, plots, scenes, characters from the "Star Wars". I don't care how old the original dime novel series, but there's absolutely no new creation but old re-creation of the "Star Wars", even the hero John Carter was a borrowed character from Hansolo(?), an unwilling and accidental passersby who fatally got involved in somebody else's war. the movie title "John Carter" could even be retitled as "Prequel of Star Wars: Everything Started from Mars Before Wars Fought in the Galaxy".

We Bought a Zoo (2011)
this is a very pretentious movie. guy's wife died 6 months ago, quit his job from a dying newspaper, with two kids, one teen and one little girl daughter, and guess what? women already tried to hook him up, one of them kept sending him lasagna in front of the school. you believe women would be interested in flirting with a new widower with two kids? give me a break! then the guy bought a house in an abandoned zoo, just like if you want to marry a widower, you've got to marry his kids too. give me a break.

• Reviews written by registered user rightwingisevil

Previously on Adam Riff™:

—It's past time to scrap the "best original song" [Oscar] category. No performances of negligible "best original song" nominees. Instead, we fill the telecast with performances of sexier soundtrack highlights from the past year. I picture, in this order:

• Bruno Mars – "It Will Rain" (from Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1)
• The National – "Think You Can Wait" (from Win Win)
• Karen O, Trent Reznor, and Atticus Ross – "Immigrant Song" (from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
• Carey Mulligan – "New York, New York" (from Shame)
• College feat. Electric Youth – "A Real Hero" (from Drive)

If I produced this year's Oscars telecast, I would book the following musical performances, in this order:

• Owl City – "When Can I See You Again" (from Wreck-It Ralph)
• Anne Hathaway – "I Dreamed a Dream" (from Les Misérables)
• Dan Romer and Benh Zeitlin – "Once There Was a Hushpuppy" (from Beasts of the Southern Wild)
• Holograms of James Brown and 2Pac – "Unchained [The Payback / Untouchable]" (from Django Unchained)
• Adele – "Skyfall" (from Skyfall)

Alas, I'm not the producer, and they booked Barbra Streisand, because of course they did.

Rory: i've never heard of this frank mcklusky film
Steven: it's like ace ventura

Surely they could've found a better third film, and one from 1994 like the other two.

Wikipedia » Notable films released in 1994:

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Airheads
Blankman
Clifford
Exit to Eden
Junior
North
Serial Mom

All fine options.

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