Adam Riff™

22. Arthur's Abortion Dojo (That Damn Michael Che, S02E01)

Stray Observations

• Henry sucking Henry's dick (The Time Traveler's Wife, S01E02)
• Kevin sucking the genie's dick (That Damn Michael Che, S02E04)
• Tooken (That Damn Michael Che, S02E05)

Stray Observations

• "Do you know where she lives?"
  "I don't know. What, were you gonna, like, send her an angry letter or something?"
  "No, no, nothing like that. I'm just gonna freak her out a little bit."
  "Freak her out how?"
  "Oh, there's a lot of ways. It's, you know…nothing bad. No, it's just…like, for instance, I could…send her a picture of herself sleeping. You know, just as a way of being like, 'Hey, not cool what you did to Sally,' you know?"
  "So you'd break into her house?"
  "Oh, she'd never know I was there. No, the whole point is to isolate her and make her feel like she's going insane. So, I would just do little things, like replace her dog with a slightly different dog, or, you know, change the furniture in her house so she thinks she's shrinking. You know, basic stuff, most of it I learned in the military. Some of it on a subreddit. You know… Basically, just plant a seed, and then they just kinda hang themselves, so it's super nonviolent. But by the end of it, like, her brain will have essentially eaten itself, you know? But that's on the table if you want it. Okay?" (Barry, S03E05)
• "Sorry, I don't know what this— Who—who's behind this new voice in my head, but, um, it's pretty, uh—it's a pretty significant distraction. Sorry."
  "It's not new. And it's not a distraction either. It's what happens when you're taught your whole life that you need God to guide you. It's frightening…being alone with your own mind."
  "How have you managed—managed this?"
  "I tried to defeat the church, in my own mind, see what kind of person was left behind. I read our history. All of it. All of that personal revelation, it seems to me that it's just men listening to their own selfish desires and calling it God so they can justify…anything. (Under the Banner of Heaven, S01E06)
• "Maybe I should just quit and go run Fox Searchlight or whatever." (Hacks, S02E05)
• "No one can compete with a 20-foot cow vagina behind them." (Hacks, S02E05)
• "I've always wanted to visit, and I love Memphis music."
  "Wait, really? Like what? Like…like Elvis?"
  "No, like Three 6 Mafia, Pooh Shiesty, Project Pat, Young Dolph, Yo Gotti, NLE Choppa." (Hacks, S02E06)
• "Oh, I don't think Luna's gonna be funny. She's really comfortable with herself." (Hacks, S02E06)
• "Happy people eat steak." (Hacks, S02E06)
• "Aren't you always telling me to believe women? It's exhausting, but we do." (Hacks, S02E06)
• "Actually about my grandmother. Rosemary."
  "Aww."
  "Yeah, she was the first '& Daughter' on a sign in City Island." (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "We did a pilot for a hidden camera show."
  "Yeah, it was called P-BAG. Pranked by a Girl." (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "Anyway, last order of beez-ness… I'm being cute, not Spanish…" (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "Why would we compete within our own family? We are not the Williams sisters. We are the McConaugheys."
  "He has a brother?"
  "Exactly." (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• Lifetime Raw (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "We're not letting a man pit us against each other."
  "I actually consider myself a parade-sized boy, but point taken." (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "If you wanted the solo, why didn't you just come out and say it like a normal person?"
  "Why didn't you just offer it like a normal person? Even Paul lets George do his own thing sometimes."
  "Because Paul George is one basketball man, Dawn." (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "You have a voice like Lenny Kravitz's penis, and you hide it under a bushel? That is a sin."
  "And even Lenny's penis busted out eventually." (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "When did singing become all about winning for you?"
  "October 16th, 1995."
  "The Million Man March?" (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "There are so many great nominees for 'Best Hip-Hop, Rap, or Reggae Video [Caucasian].'" (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "Oh, my God. I'm on a list with Drew Carey and Beyoncé. Why did I pick that order?" (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• ♫: Girls5eva – "B.P.E." (Girls5eva, S02E06)
• "Che, you got one hour before this story goes global, and then after that…"
  "After that, what?"
  "You gonna have to move to Austin and start slingin' right-wing jokes."
  "Kenan, any moment, somebody's gonna come out in my defense and support me."
  "Well, so far, it's only been Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, and Kwame Brown."
  "Goddamn, that's the worst three." (That Damn Michael Che, S02E01)
• "Michael, studies show that every Black person has one bitch nigga in their family for every five real. But you've got five real niggas for every 12 bitch."
  "What study says that? What are you—?"
  "Look, the math may seem confusing, but these numbers make you almost white."
  "Is there anybody in my family that's not an old coon?"
  "Well, there's some young coons. We did find something interesting. Check this out."
  "Is that Jason Whitlock?"
  "We couldn't find anything saying that you two are related, but you have to be. Come on. Distant cousins or something." (That Damn Michael Che, S02E05)

Wayne Brady (That Damn Michael Che, S02E06)

• </That Damn Michael Che, S02>
• Flea (Obi-Wan Kenobi, S01E01)
• "That's a rad shirt, man. Ocean Pacific?" (Stranger Things, S04E02)

(Stranger Things, S04E02)

• "Can you pass me the olive oil?"
  "That's wine." (Stranger Things, S04E03)
• "This risotto is shmackin', dude." (Stranger Things, S04E03)
• "Okay. She's in."
  "I'm missing collarbones, not eyes." (Stranger Things, S04E03)
• "I'll punch you so hard your teeth will fall back out."
  "Whoa. Too far." (Stranger Things, S04E03)
• "It's like a mini-Watergate or something. Hawkinsgate."
  "Wait a second. Didn't those guys get caught?" (Stranger Things, S04E03)
• "I can't breathe in this thing, and I'm itchy. I'm itching all over."
  "It's not all about comfort. Okay? We're academics."
  "Who are evidently coming straight from Easter brunch. Also, this bra that you gave me is really pinching my boobs."
  "Okay. Could you just let me do the talking? If that's even possible?"
  "It's not only possible, it's inevitable. Because shortly, I'll be dead from strangulation." (Stranger Things, S04E04)

21. Zach Sashimi (Jackass 4.5)

Honourable Mention

• Ugly Sonic (Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers)

Stray Observations

• "Somebody called me a 'fuck fuck'?"
  "Rob Reiner, 1994, at the Ghosts of Mississippi audition." (Barry, S03E04)
• Joe Mantegna's restraining order (Barry, S03E04)
• "This is worse than Tony Danza." (Barry, S03E04)
• "You do not look old enough to have an abused daughter." (Barry, S03E04)
• "Great penis." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)
• "Humanity has progressed to the point where we usually wear pants when we eat fruit with other people." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)

(The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)

• "How are the shingles?"
  "Do you know, I… I think I pooped when you hugged me, they hurt so bad, but…" (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)
• "In science, everything is error until the day it isn't." (The Man Who Fell to Earth, S01E04)
• "I think we need to go look at some women. How 'bout we hit up that Millstream?"
  "That farm-to-table strip joint?" (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "You smell good for a white girl." (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "75 percent of that body weight is ass." (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "You robbed the midget stripper?" (We Own This City, S01E04)
• "I didn't know you had it in you, Kwapis. The dirty tricks."
  "I don't like it, but I am a student of Nixon. Cynthia Nixon. You remember when she ran for governor of New York?" (Mr. Mayor, S02E10)
• "You son of a bitch! Diarrhea's mine, Bremer." (Mr. Mayor, S02E10)
• </Mr. Mayor, S02>
• ♫: Dashboard Confessional – "Vindicated" (The Staircase, S01E05)
• ♫: Juvenile – "Slow Motion" (The Staircase, S01E05)
• "You're not a Nazi, huh, Staircase?"
  "No, of course not. I voted for Gore." (The Staircase, S01E05)
• "If Roman Reigns gets to AEW, you can DM my ex-boyfriend." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Hello, Deborah. We miss you. And we wanted to tell you someone was a very brave boy about getting his anal glands expressed today." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Oh, look at his little doggy dick." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Everybody read Little Women in school, baby. I went to school with white folk." (Hacks, S02E03)
• "Oh, no. She's doing Ellen." (Hacks, S02E04)
• "No, Summer, don't be one of those women. You don't wanna look like Susan from Guess Who." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "If you were a poker hand, you'd be four jokers and a piece of shit." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "I'm worse than Robin Thicke."
  "No one is worse than Robin Thicke." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "You want a lawsuit?"
  "No, courtroom lighting is really bad." (Girls5eva, S02E05)
• "Don't you have people that work for you who can deal with this?"
  "Honey! I'm the head of the goddamn studio. I am the fucking people that deal with this." (The Offer, S01E06)
• "Barry, if you don't order steak, I'll stick you with a fork. Oil people, they don't trust fish." (The Offer, S01E06)
• Alexander Skarsgård dancing to Ashanti (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "The bread was worth the wait." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "She has blood on a baguette that she's carrying around." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "I might lose the Baby Shark movie now." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "We both met while we were stripping on that river cruise." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "We've been chasing hands all day?" (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "Bitch, this is a whole hand." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "Don't you have to pee on someone?" (Atlanta, S03E10)
• "May I offer you some champagne? Cheese or grapes?"
  "No, I had, like, two bottles of Powerade for lunch." (Atlanta, S03E10)
• [urine continues]
  "[gurgling] Stop."
  ♫: Ludacris – "Splash Waterfalls" (Atlanta, S03E10)
• </Atlanta, S03>
• ♫: The Pharcyde – "Passing Me By" (Shining Girls, S01E06)
• </Shark Tank, S13>
• ♫: CMAT – "I Don't Really Care for You" (Conversations with Friends, S01E01)
• ♫: The Sei – "Let It All Go" (Conversations with Friends, S01E01)
• ♫: Alexi Murdoch – "All My Days" (Conversations with Friends, S01E02)
• "You're so handsome."
  "I thought you were attracted to my personality."
  "Do you even have one?"
  "Um… Okay, bye." (Conversations with Friends, S01E03)
• ♫: Cassandra Jenkins – "Michelangelo" (Conversations with Friends, S01E03)
• ♫: The Anxiety – "Meet Me at Our Spot" (Conversations with Friends, S01E04)
• ♫: James Blake – "Atmosphere" (Conversations with Friends, S01E05)
• "Who is he?"
  "A med student who loved Yates."
  "Is that bad?"
  "I practically had to stop him from reciting The Lake Isle of Innisfree."
  "Wow, I feel terrible for you having young men recite verse to you in bars."
  "And the sex wasn't good."
  "Well, of course, no one who likes Yates is actually capable of human intimacy." (Conversations with Friends, S01E08)
• ♫: The McTague Twins – "Peach Plum Pear" (Conversations with Friends, S01E08)
• "Everyone's always going through something, aren't they? Just life, basically. Just more and more stuff to go through. Nobody's going through nothing." (Conversations with Friends, S01E10)
• "People think in couples. We have to work really hard to resist it." (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• "Every forehead I look at reads lines of sorrow." (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• ♫: Phoebe Bridgers – "Sidelines" (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• "I have this impulse to be available to you. All the time."
  "Nick."
  "Yeah?"
  "Come and get me." (Conversations with Friends, S01E12)
• </Conversations with Friends, S01>

(Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers)