Adam Riff™

37. Ace vs. Bobby Promo Video (Heels, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

• Rick's Backstory (Rick and Morty, S05E10)
• Trae Young (WWE SmackDown, 10 Sep 21)

Stray Observations

(Heels, S01E04)

• "I'd eat a mile of her shit just to lick where it came out." (Heels, S01E04)
• "My parents were always telling me, 'Just stay the course, Bobby.' It's like, man, sometimes I wish life was like Mario Kart or something, where the course is just up in the corner, you know? So when people told you 'stay the course,' you kinda know what the course looks like." (Heels, S01E04)
• ♫: Uncle Tupelo – "Black Eye" (Heels, S01E04)
• "Sorry, guys, if I wanted another bleeding heart, I'd inject re-animator serum into an actual bleeding heart." (Rick and Morty, S05E09)
• "But I see 'two crows' written right here beside 'Gene with donkey brains,' 'half a Paul Giamatti,' and 'sentient shit.'" (Rick and Morty, S05E09)
• [crow alarm blares]
  "Seriously? Is there anything not on theme here?" (Rick and Morty, S05E09)
• "I was iffy about this one, but crow tech slaps!" (Rick and Morty, S05E09)
• "Bird quaaludes…" (Rick and Morty, S05E09)
• "He's anti-heroic! Run!" (Rick and Morty, S05E10)

(Rick and Morty, S05E10)

• "Submit to Crow Horse!" (Rick and Morty, S05E10)
• "Aw, that's cute. They rebuilt. They made it nicer."
  "They made it Glendale." (Rick and Morty, S05E10)
• "Woof. You're about to get suspended with pay." (Rick and Morty, S05E10)
• "Oh! Was I…influential?"
  "Yeah, y-you were influential. You had, like, seven…seven blogs." (Rick and Morty, S05E10)
• Rick and Morty Season Grade: C
• "You fucking pretentious cunt deer!" (Reservation Dogs, S01E06)
• "So, we're gonna bring Sting a morning turkey?"
  "Ye— I know, it's weird, but I figure if we also brought coffee… Yeah, listen. I know this is nuts…"
  "No, no, no. That's exactly why it'll work. Because it's surprising. No one ever brings anyone a turkey with bad intentions!"
  "Exactly! Wow. I am amazed. I didn't think you'd be on board with this."
  "I'm so on board with this. Because this is how I'm gonna fill the rest of my days with hobbies, and my hobby is solving murders. I'm gonna go on vacation with murders, and one day, murders are gonna sit by my bed and feed me broth because I'm losing my swallow reflex." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E04)
• "Emma thought a hard break would be best for Lucy, so I really haven't spoken to her since. And I've been haunted by it. And by Bugs and Porky." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E04)
• "Make her stay and watch. I want that treacherous bitch to see what she's done to me." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "I am not going around to Quality Management conferences giving out oral sex." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "And we'd like a role on Designing Women for Steve."
  "Yeah, I could be, like, a love interest for Delta Burke." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "I'm sorry, ma'am, this is a non-smoking section."
  "Oh, fantastic. The whole earth is becoming Berkeley, California." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "Half of Arkansas is here. You might have noticed a certain Kmart spirit in the air." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "Um, what is fellatio?" (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "I can draw it, his…area." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "It takes a dramatic turn." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "And Kathleen, who has the secretarial experience of a radish…" (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "I can hear you chewing."
  "This is how I chew." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "D.C. gets lonely fast." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "She's also from Los Angeles."
  "Oh, really? Where?"
  "I think she said Glendale. Is that it?"
  "Glendale's never it." (American Crime Story, S03E01)
• "Uh, guys, I'm covered in Sharon." (What If…?, S01E05)
• "Sorry, I tend to process traumatic events with dad jokes."
  […]
  "Whoa! Watch out! She's a man-eater! There it is, I'm doing it again." (What If…?, S01E05)
• "I hope everyone enjoyed Little Women by Louisa May Alcott."
  "To be honest, I did not."
  "Yes, a better title would've been White Women." (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E05)
• "Will you stop thinking about ass and help us?" (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E05)
• "Don't you wanna help that dick?" (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E05)
• "Took everything in me not to rub one out during that threesome with George and Martha and Ben Franklin." (American Horror Story, S10E04)
• "I'm digging the look. Vampire Michael Stipe. Or…anorexic Uncle Fester?" (American Horror Story, S10E04)
• "The talented ones need the blood, but their rage comes from their arrogance and certainty that they're better than everyone. The rage of the untalented is much darker, more intense. You hate the world for giving you dreams that were too big." (American Horror Story, S10E04)
• Evan Peters in drag (American Horror Story, S10E04)
• "And your drag name is awful."
  "Patty O'Furniture. That's an awesome name." (American Horror Story, S10E04)
• "Do I have a tattoo? Oh, please. I got this on 9/11. Not for 9/11, I just happened to be getting it that morning." (The Other Two, S02E05)
• "Duh! I love foie gras. I have always pronounced it that way." (The Other Two, S02E05)
• "Cary, hey. Just got back from only peeing in the bathroom." (The Other Two, S02E05)
• "Are you even from Texas?"
  "Yeah. I'm from Austin."
  "Fuck! I always forget about Austin." (The Other Two, S02E05)
• "Did you guys know the Body of Christ here is a margherita flatbread?" (The Other Two, S02E05)
• ♫: Leland – "Jesus Fucking Slays" (The Other Two, S02E05)
• "How did I not realize I was writing the movie Beginners?" (The Other Two, S02E06)
• "Are you trying to Before Sunrise me?" (The Other Two, S02E06)
• "Her hair smells of tropical fruits, her scalp of medication." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "The fonts for the Vampiric Council website. I mean, we could do Franklin Gothic, but it's a bit on the nose." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "Is that what I think it is?"
  "No, it's not, you little pervert. It's an engagement ring." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "What the hell is that?"
  "Cornelius Dong's Adventures in the Boner Brigade."
  "That never came out in hardback." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "Oh, come in, come in. We were just dancing in between rounds of cunnilingus." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "Energy vampires love a good road trip. I, myself, always have my mix ready to go. 25 'Hey There Delilahs.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "Oh, Guillermo! Have you seen my genital towel?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "There is a bloody plunket of a man upstairs who has feelings, and those feelings are going to get hurt and then we will never choose a font!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "Are you insinuating that I would do it with her while she is in wolf form? Because I did, but I was in bat form, and it was exclusively hand stuff." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• ♫: Muse – "Supermassive Black Hole" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "Oh, I'm sure Gail's completely satisfied with your tiny little bat dick."
  "I'll give you a bat dick! I mean, proportionally, it is quite normal, but it is slightly teensy and ineffective. I mean, it's a bat dick, you know?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)

• "Use the weight of your penis, darling." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E03)
• "A veterinarian for wild animals. I still don't get how that works. You treat them in the woods and no one pays you?" (Ted Lasso, S02E08)
• "No, I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth – flat." (Ted Lasso, S02E08)
• "Really? The pitches aren't the same size?" (Ted Lasso, S02E08)
• "Point is, guys, we're here now, okay? At this Wembley. The one that Freddie Mercury never stepped foot in." (Ted Lasso, S02E08)
• "All right, let's go kick their butts. 'Butts' on three." (Ted Lasso, S02E08)
• ♫: Oasis – "Don't Look Back in Anger" (Ted Lasso, S02E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva

36. Shannon's Sharp (Nine Perfect Strangers, S01E05)

Stray Observations

• CM Punk (Heels, S01E03)
• "It's not his fault."
  "Oh, it's my fault that he dumb as a bag of dicks?"
  "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Roo, come on, now. That's gender-shaming, man. Dicks ain't predestined to be dumb. It's more appropriate to say that it's the willful idiocy of certain specific dumbasses attached to an individual dick that makes a dick dumb." (Heels, S01E03)

(Heels, S01E03)

• "You know, she's mad at me, I think."
  "Ooh. What you do this time, Bucky?"
  "Yeah. You know, I mean, she's a white woman." (Reservation Dogs, S01E05)
• "Au revoir, as they say in Germany."
  "That French?"
  "That was not correct at all." (Reservation Dogs, S01E05)
• "You're listening to All Is Not OK in Oklahoma, from Cinda Canning. Funding is provided by our sponsors: The Rand Corporation, the Milton and Miriam Swann Foundation for the Arts and for Dissolving the Federal Reserve, and Trader Joe's." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E01)
• "I'm not some dumb cop you see on TV. I'm not Kojak. I'm not Tubbs." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "We know he got manicures, or perhaps he just had naturally pleasing nail beds." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "So hot in here. Do we have to do this in a closet?"
  "Well, now you sound like Patti LuPone." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "I guess old white guys are only afraid of colon cancer and societal change." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "You know, this is all I eat. Dips for dinner. I bet I have not had a regular entrée for years." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "So, our victim is less likable than a dead cat." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "I think we should talk to Ursula."
  "The sea witch?"
  "No, no, no. The building manager." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "Ursula! My beloved. Even from here, you smell like a field of lavender and French fries. My two favorite things." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "Sex toys! We got sex toys, people! Okay. Remember not to judge. Nothing shameful about deviant sexual pursuits. Ooh! Ah… Ew. Looks like Mr. Vanilla took a turn down Rocky Road, if you know what I mean."
  "I don't think you know what you mean." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "A lot of people name their pets human names. I had a parakeet named Bruce. It was a female, but she had a very masculine energy." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E02)
• "This is Splash! The Musical. Not squirt. Not tinkle. Splash!" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E03)
• "Let's see if Mabel's free. I'll call her. Or should I text?"
  "Calls bother them for some reason."
  "Yeah. I think it's a text. What sounds more casual? 'Dear Mabel' or 'Greetings, Mabel'"? (Only Murders in the Building, S01E03)
• "'CHARLES [OLD]: Aloha, Mabel!'" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E03)
• "I did it. I'm a bad therapist." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E03)
• "My god, she's beautiful."
  "Mm‐hmm."
  "That's not Evelyn."
  "Oh. I could've sworn—"
  "That's Barbara. She was a bitch."
  "Yeah. Still, it's so nice that she's up there, too, because it's like…you're being recorded."
  "What was that?"
  "I said…she's watching you, so it's like…you're being recorded." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E03)
• "You liked it, right?"
  "Is that what my face is saying?" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E03)
• "Come, this way, Sorcerer Armani." (What If…?, S01E04)
• "No, this is not a smile. I'm just airing my teeth out." (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E04)
• "I'm not the one trawling the internet for guys."
  "Trawling?"
  "Mm."
  "Like a shrimp boat? You're saying I'm a shrimp boat?"
  "If the shoe fits, Bubba Gump." (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E04)
• "I didn't come all this way to deal with emotional shit. You know, you want that, get a manager." (American Horror Story, S10E03)
• "You don't understand. See, it's really fucked up, what happens when you take them."
  "I represent the producers of The Bachelor. Fucked up is my bread and butter." (American Horror Story, S10E03)
• "Honey, you're a paper airplane and I'm a 747. Don't you ever think you're anything like me just because you can fly a little." (American Horror Story, S10E03)
• "I like it here, though, in the winter. It's quieter. Except for those pale, strange homeless creatures wearing the AIDS-era couture." (American Horror Story, S10E03)
• "I make deals and I make kings." (American Horror Story, S10E03)
• "Mom just became the number one attraction on TripAdvisor. She's above 9/11."
  "I don't think they call it that." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "Anyway, don't forget to catch my next big Syfy movie, Frogpocalypse Now." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "Chase is now such a famous singer that he doesn't even need to sing. He can just be like Rihanna or Justin Timberlake. We're gonna use the time that Chase used to be singing to build his singing empire in other ways. What's his MySpace? What's his Trolls? What's his undrinkable tequila?" (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "You can just work here for a day and quit, like Jesse Metcalfe did last month." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "And because of that, he's been invited to an exclusive Vogue party tonight, where they'll be unveiling the newest Hadid. Apparently, there's a third one whose features hadn't settled in until now. And they're having a first-look party of her face and body for industry insiders." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "So what did everyone do this weekend?"
  "I just sort of laid low."
  "Yeah, me too."
  "Me too. I laid low." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "What about you, Brooke? How was your weekend?"
  "I worked literally all of it, and then when I finally did have a sec to myself, I jacked off to the Snapchat video of Noah Centineo saying, 'Squirt,' but fell asleep with my hand inside me."
  "Brooke, you there? I think you might have it muted it on your end. Brooke?"
  "Pretty much just laid low."
  "So nice to do."
  "Oh, that's the best." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "12 people have been sitting with their thumbs up their asses on a Friday night call because of a…Susan?" (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "If you need to go to the bathroom, you can shit in your pants, you Chex Mix bitch." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "I am not going to give up and sit on the ground and eat pizza and have black hair." (The Other Two, S02E03)
• "Ha ha ha! You're literally Jimmy Fallon." (The Other Two, S02E04)
• "Oh, and then this is our favorite memory ever. We'll never forget it because we got 800,000 likes in three minutes." (The Other Two, S02E04)
• "I have the perfect name for you. @The_Cuddle_Boys, and it can just be pictures of you cuddling in all the different rooms of your house."
  "Who would follow that?"
  "Mostly straight women and brands, so you'd have to keep it pretty PG. But make sure you get your bare feet in the shot, that way gays in the know can still jack it to you." (The Other Two, S02E04)
• "Huh. I think I see something."
  "Is it poop?" (The Other Two, S02E04)
• "Oh, my God, Cary, you're literally Jimmy Fallon." (The Other Two, S02E04)

(The Other Two, S02E04)

• "I think I want to have sex instead of HBO."
  "Well, now you're just being insane." (The Other Two, S02E04)
• "I'm helping Holt pick a dating site."
  "Oh, this looks good. PhDs only."
  "Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge Dick."
  "Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium Dick." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "I will never turn my back on Nancy Meyers." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "What we have ourselves here is a good ol' fashioned murder of a man who you all loved dearly. I shouldn't have done the Knives Out accent." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "I just gave you a series of eight poses, each increasing in sexual provocativeness by one-eighth. If you wanted septiles or deciles of sexiness, you should've told me." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "Okay, let's thin this herd. Untucked shirt, no thank you. Born in San Diego, yikes. An adult named Todd?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "Why is this so confusing? How do I get Hot Todd back?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "What's going on is that you were trying to manipulate me, but it is I who manipulated you. How does it feel to suckle from your own tainted teat?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "I'm just a normal person. Normal from snout to anus." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "And I know that Pappy's up there shopping for beige slacks at that Mervyn's in the sky." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E07)
• "The only movie I wanna see is called The World of Mosses. It's a documentary about the world of mosses." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E08)
• "I used up all the battery mining for MetsCoin. It's the first cryptocurrency that is also the Mets?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E08)
• "How can you not know your own wife's phone number?"
  "It's saved in my phone. Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E08)
• "How did I never see that? Am I a bad detective?"
  "We don't have time to go into that."
  "It would've been much faster to just say, 'No, you're great.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E08)
• "All right, look, there's one number I still have memorized that could help, my middle school friend Mikey J.'s old landline."
  "Do you have any reason to believe that Mikey J. still resides there?"
  "Well, we were in a ska band together in high school, so I'm thinking the odds are good." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E08)
• "You have no idea what it's like taking bras off. You had it so easy growing up gay." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E08)
• "Um, so here are your foods."
  "Yay, more raw chicken."
  "The prisoner will slide his bucket of shame over to the sally port."
  "I have a name."
  "Just slide your shit bucket over to Sally's port." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "I brought you your dinner."
  "The chicken."
  "Yes. I let it warm up to room temperature for a few days." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "Now, do you have a VCR?"
  "A what?"
  "How are you spelling that?"
  "V-C-R.
  "'Visar.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "The Voice is on in a little bit. Can we, uh…" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "It's good to be the king. Mel Brooks, History of the World: Part I." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "I didn't become a vampire to end up a pen-pushing bureaucrat. I became a vampire to suck blood and to fuck forever."
  "But you must admit, this is quite an honor."
  "I couldn't give a fuck." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "Guillermo…de la…eh… What is it again?"
  "Um, Greenberg?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "Guillermo…Greenberg de la Cruz, you will now find yourself in a trance-like state." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E01)
• "Does this look familiar?"
  "No. What is it?"
  "Oh, only Van Helsing's dick."
  "Come on, Guillermo. Not everyone is lucky enough to hold their great‐great‐great‐great‐grandfather's penis in their hands." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)

• "How did I become an energy vampire? Was I turned, or in the words of Stefani Germanotta, was I born this way?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)
• "Why are you ripping that page out of that book?"
  "I'll wank my way, and you wank yours." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)
• "And now you're horny because you just got negged again." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)
• "Don't touch that book, Gizmo. It's too much for your young cock." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)
• "So, what kind of drains are you pulling here?"
  "Mostly weed‐related stuff. Indica v. sativa, legalization rules, CBD, edibles, shatter… I could go on and I do."
  "Geez."
  "Definitely keeping me fat and happy. I'm also kind of a sneakerhead and I just bought a camera drone. People hate it." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)
• "Get your hands off my pipi!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E02)
• "Stop your dithering and go fuck your cartoon rat." (Ted Lasso, S02E07)
• "Sometimes it's good to bottle things up. That's how we get, you know, pickles." (Ted Lasso, S02E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva