Adam Riff™

19. New York Lonely Boy (Girls5eva, S01E03)

Stray Observations

• "Well, I have an extra ticket to see Boygenius at the Met on Friday night." (Mare of Easttown, S01E03)
• Mare's surname-embroidered backpack (Mare of Easttown, S01E03)
• "What if it was your penis painted out there?" (Mare of Easttown, S01E03)
• "Jinx!" (Mare of Easttown, S01E03)
• "When white folks love you, you become raceless." (Pose, S03E01)
• "Girl, get your ass over here. O.J. Simpson is on the run."
  "Who?"
  "O.J. Simpson. The football player actor. Um, Naked Gun, Hertz commercials."
  "Girl, bye." (Pose, S03E01)
• "To think, I ditched my plans to see Michelle Pfeiffer in Wolf to watch this fucking car chase." (Pose, S03E01)
• "Y'all know I loved me some Naked Gun 33 1/3." (Pose, S03E01)
• ♫: Robin S. – "Show Me Love" (Pose, S03E02)
• "I told you I don't eat after 9:00. I drink wine. For the antioxidants." (Pose, S03E02)
• "Have you looked at your complexion? Gray is not a skin tone! You have hit epidermal rock bottom." (Pose, S03E02)
• "You of all people want to talk about somebody being psychologically distorted? 'Cause you're a short-tempered, insecure narcissist."
  "A narcissist who glooooows, bitch!" (Pose, S03E02)
• Elon Musk as Wario (Saturday Night Live, S46E18)
• "It was great to see you. We'll catch up next time. There's so much to talk about. Brexit, tiny houses, Bindi Irwin is hot now." (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "Nobody gets more normal as they age except Nicole Richie." (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "Oh, God. I gotta make it match. I gotta make it all pit!" (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "Don't try to walk out here all superior when you couldn't even tell this isn't the Dalai Lama. It's an old man dressed like a hot dog." (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "Want to start The Americans?"
  "Sure."
  "I know how we'll get this secret – through sex." (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "Sorry, are you sick of randos bugging you?"
  "No. Not at all…Derpy." (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "Oh, good. You still live here. Of course you do. Italians never move." (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "Just tell me you don't need this like I do, and I will go back to L.A. via Bogota on Kirkland Airlines." (Girls5eva, S01E01)
• "I saw a new clickbait ad that said you won't believe which one of us is Haley Joel Osment now." (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• "You have to take it back or move it for us."
  "Curbside!"
  "But Declan has cycling arms." (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• "Wickie, you can't wear those braids on TV."
  "Why?"
  "It's a white hairstyle. Christina, Gwen Stefani, Travolta in Battlefield Earth." (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• "And…tagging industry bigshots! Simon Cowell. Babyface. Babylegs."
  "All the babies!"
  "#Newspapers." (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• ♫ "I made love to Ja Rule on it" ♫ (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• "How do I stop this? Do I press End and Accept?"
  "No, it's Ignore and Accept."
  "No, it's Ignore and Hold." (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• "Everybody sing from your diaphragm."
  "Which one?" (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• ♫: "Dream Girlfriends" (Girls5eva, S01E02)
• "They're in all the boroughs except Staten Island, 'cause there's never been an only child from there." (Girls5eva, S01E03)
• "It has been an entire Zendaya since you have recorded music." (Girls5eva, S01E03)
• ♫ "We Bought a Zoo" ♫ (Girls5eva, S01E03)
• "Let's do something fun, huh?"
  "Okay, Mommy. Let's dance!"
  "Yes, let's dance! Let's dance! Okay, you want to do the Elmo Slide or—"
  "Alexa play The Daily."
  "Today on The Daily, our broken…"
  "Shut up, Michael Barbaro!" (Girls5eva, S01E03)
• "Okay, what flavor do you want, buddy?"
  "Earl Grey." (Girls5eva, S01E03)
• John Slattery's actual family (Girls5eva, S01E03)
• "You have a square car that is not fit for any music video, not even for a commercial about Maryland." (Girls5eva, S01E03)
• "Where did you meet someone named Cray?"
  "At the Instagram wall in the vape lounge of the sriracha museum." (Girls5eva, S01E04)
• "What else scares you?"
  "Everything. Panic attacks, guns, accidentally being a Karen. Just about anything prolapsing." (Girls5eva, S01E04)
• ♫ "Judas is Dwight Schrute / And Jesus is Darryl" ♫ (Girls5eva, S01E04)
• ♫: "I'm Afraid [Dawn’s Song of Fears]" ♫ (Girls5eva, S01E04)
• "Do you have a Band-Aid?"
  ["Blood Tape"]
  "I'm not one for name brands." (Girls5eva, S01E05)
• "I'm binging Emeril Live. I'm on the episode where they went HD. Now it's a hand vein show." (Girls5eva, S01E05)
• "I'm putting her in a closet."
  "She's not granola bars." (Girls5eva, S01E05)
• "I already got you an Uber."
  "Put in 'request conversation.'" (Girls5eva, S01E05)
• "I mean, I dropped super gay hints. I insisted that I wear a helmet during 'Space Boys.'"
  ♫ "Space boys / It's a boy-kissing mission" ♫ (Girls5eva, S01E05)
• "I've worn a mask myself. When I starred in The Maskical, the musical."
  "♫ "I'm smokin'! / Alrighty, then" ♫
  "Wasn't 'alrighty, then' from Ace Ventura?"
  "It was a pastiche of the Jim Carrey oeuvre." (Girls5eva, S01E06)
• "You slay my ass. I have no skin." (Girls5eva, S01E06)
• "That rant was a tour de force. That's French for 'force tour.'" (Girls5eva, S01E06)
• "If it's a woman, she better not be hotter than me. And if it's a man, he'd better be hotter than me. And if it's a sex cult, it'd better sweep the doc category at the Emmys." (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• "What if we pretend someone hired us to sing for her?"
  "Her cousin Lauren."
  "Scooter Braun."
  "Her mom's friend Angie."
  "How about Lionel Richie?"
  "Her other cousin Kristin, who everybody hates."
  "Danger Mouse!" (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• Sara Bareilles doing Celine Dion (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• "Are you fucking little crabs?" (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• "You and I met briefly years ago, at Ashlee Simpson's Walk of Fame removal ceremony." (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• "It's not a sunburn. I nodded off at Benihana." (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• "The most intimate experience I had this year was riding a Citi Bike over cobblestones." (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• "If I got offered, literally, any other job than this one, I would take it. So many big pubes on tiny soaps." (Girls5eva, S01E07)
• ♫ "The cast of Friends is pedophiles" ♫ (Girls5eva, S01E08)
• "I think this is Everclear." (Girls5eva, S01E08)
• "Do you know how much we're getting paid for this hockey show if we end up doing it?"
  "Well, the first offer was cab fare. But I really think that if we agree and back each other up, we can convince them that we live in Tarrytown." (Girls5eva, S01E08)
• "I know. It is cushy. My water-bra's Pellegrino, but don't you ever miss that energy you get when you're performing?
  I get it other ways now. Fortnite kills, certain bowel movements, impregnating my surrogate—shh, don't tell my wife we didn't use science and tubes, okay?" (Girls5eva, S01E08)
• "I just swallowed a little Lego man." (Girls5eva, S01E08)
• "I just pray Gal Gadot never sees what you did to her song 'Imagine.'" (Girls5eva, S01E08)
• Girls5eva Season Grade: B

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: P-Valley
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva

18. Eat Flesh (Invincible, S01E08)

Stray Observations

• I Got The Shot! (Let's Be Real, S01E01)

Stray Observations

• Jean Smart playing Fruit Ninja (Mare of Easttown, S01E02)
• Kings Destroy (Mare of Easttown, S01E02)
• Monsta X (Chad, S01E04)
• "I do love your mother. But she's more like a…a pet to me." (Invincible, S01E08)
• "Why did you make me do this? You're fighting so you can watch everyone around you die! Think, Mark! You'll outlast every fragile, insignificant being on this planet. You'll live to see this world crumble to dust and blow away! Everyone and everything you know will be gone! What will you have after 500 years?"
  "You, Dad. I'd still have you." (Invincible, S01E08)
• ♫: The Lighthouse and the Whaler – "We Are Infinite" (Invincible, S01E08)
• "What's the plan in the meantime?"
  "Finish high school, I guess."
  "Oh, all right. Good. Sounds good. What is high school?" (Invincible, S01E08)
• Invincible Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: P-Valley
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: How To with John Wilson

17. Just one of the guys (Chad, S01E03)

Stray Observations

• WWE pajamas (Mare of Easttown, S01E01)
• ♫: Mannequin Pussy (Mare of Easttown, S01E01)
• "All the good that you do here is thanks to a healthy grant from the Franklin Saint Foundation." (Snowfall, S04E10)
• "My son is a child."
  "Your son's the largest distributor of rock cocaine in the world." (Snowfall, S04E10)
• "You kill him, you gonna have to kill us all. Is that who the fuck you are?!" (Snowfall, S04E10)
• "Y'all sound like Leon a few months ago. How'd that work out for him?"
  "We ain't Leon." (Snowfall, S04E10)
• Snowfall Season Grade: C
• "I just got dumped, dude!"
  "You got dumped weeks ago, you just didn't realize it. You're like a bad guy in a samurai movie who gets cut in half, but thinks they're fine until they're like, 'Oh, my god, my top half's sliding away from my bottom half.' [mock groaning]" (Invincible, S01E07)
• "Is it still Falcon?"
  "Or is it Captain Falcon?" (The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, S01E06)
• "We built this country. Bled for it. I'm not gonna let anybody tell me I can't fight for it." (The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, S01E06)
• "Captain America and the Winter Soldier" (The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, S01E06)
• The Falcon and the Winter Soldier Season Grade: C
• "You seem smart. I'm guessing lots of college. Not Ivy League, but so close, it drives you crazy."
  "Northwestern." (Rutherford Falls, S01E01)
• "I'm not Hawkeye, all right? I'm the one guy with the fire circles, so—" (Rutherford Falls, S01E01)
• "No one likes a complicated story. That's why everyone hated Cloud Atlas." (Rutherford Falls, S01E02)
• "There's a reporter here. He looks like one of those Vice guys that's too hot to take seriously." (Rutherford Falls, S01E03)
• "Wow, Terry, you were right. White people love lemonade." (Rutherford Falls, S01E04)
• Minecraft Steve beadwork (Rutherford Falls, S01E04)
• "Bet you could get $350 for that. $400 from a white person." (Rutherford Falls, S01E04)
• "You're walking in Carroll Gardens, probably just had some ramen and a can of natural wine…" (Rutherford Falls, S01E04)
• ♫: Soundgarden – "Blow Up the Outside World" (Rutherford Falls, S01E04)
• "You know what? You're not a Spencer. You're an adorable, white ally. [gasps] You're a Mark Ruffalo."
  "No. [laughs] No, you're not. That's a pretty big honor…to be Ruffalo-ed." (Rutherford Falls, S01E05)
• "Look closely. Three of these feminist icons are slight different versions of Ariana Grande."
  "Whoa. How did I miss the ponytails?"
  "Why are there three more Grandes than Sotomayors?"
  "Yeah. That's not a good ratio." (Rutherford Falls, S01E05)
• "Bobbie, your film was pandering, subpar, and utterly bland. Congratulations."
  "[sighs] This is like when Green Book won at the Oscars."
  "Wouldn't a Green Book comparison be better placed on Spencer since Green Book was a problematic movie about racism made by white people?
  "Yeah. You're totally right. Jesus. We can't even agree on what Green Book meant? This country's a mess." (Rutherford Falls, S01E05)
• "#FreeNathanRutherford"
  "I left out the year so we could reuse it." (Rutherford Falls, S01E06)
• "You're gonna tell the people at your firm who actually matter to be here by Friday at noon or I will bring the wrath of God down so hard that their tennis instructor's children will feel it. Tell them I will come for their summer homes and their accountants' Teslas." (Rutherford Falls, S01E06)
• "We just need documentation that something really big happened here.
  "There was the potato salad party…" (Rutherford Falls, S01E07)
• "My people don't steal land. That's your thing."
  "My thing?"
  "Sorry, I deal with white people all day. That line usually works." (Rutherford Falls, S01E07)
• "So much drama. This is why it's not worth being friends with white people." (Rutherford Falls, S01E08)
• "You're like an old Hollywood couple, like Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello." (Rutherford Falls, S01E08)
• "Apparently, casinos are over. Now it's all marijuana theme parks." (Rutherford Falls, S01E08)
• "Our market research shows that the average American's understanding of history can be boiled down to seven concepts: George Washington, the flag, Independence Day, Independence Day the movie, MLK, Forrest Gump, and butter churns." (Rutherford Falls, S01E09)
• "People find dairy-based businesses charming as hell." (Rutherford Falls, S01E09)
• "This version of my family is bullshit!"
  "Respectfully, every version of your family is bullshit. At least this oneis profitable." (Rutherford Falls, S01E09)
• "SLIPKNOT" (Rutherford Falls, S01E10)
• Rutherford Falls Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: P-Valley
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: How To with John Wilson