Adam Riff™

19. ♫: The Weeknd – "I'm a Virgin" (American Dad, S17E02)

Honourable Mention

• Dreams (Saturday Night Live, S45E18)

Stray Observations

• "Conservative incumbent Jesse Helms won a fourth term, defeating liberal black Harvey Gantt." (The Last Dance, S01E05)
• "Free will does exist, Caleb. It's just fucking hard." (Westworld, S03E08)
• "It took money to build this world, Caleb. It'll take money to tear it down." (Westworld, S03E08)
• "I'm surprised you were so easily seduced, but then again, you are a man." (Westworld, S03E08)
• "I am done worshipping other people's gods." (Westworld, S03E08)
• Westworld Season Grade: D
• "You going to the swimming pool, guys?"
  "No, I'm going to Hooters. Watch some tits and ass." (The Last Dance, S01E06)
• "I think he only dates Abigails."
  "No, why? He's at a firm with negroes. There is no way."
  "Think about it, y'all. He went to Princeton undergrad, he plays guitar…"
  "Oh, my god. He's been here two weeks and ordered six salads. He loves salad." (Insecure, S04E04)
• "God bless them, but never marry a teacher. How are you miserable and you get summers off?" (Insecure, S04E04)
• "Damn, Jada. I see you out here Red Table talking."
  "[laughter] I'm Willow!" (Insecure, S04E04)
• "Your grandma taunts you by text in the middle of the night?"
  "Yeah."
  "That's new."
  "She's been a nightmare since the new tariff." (Run, S01E04)
• Lady Yoda (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• "Jesus! The 'tickets, please' guy is cut! He's got those things. What do you call them? Um, cum gutters." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• "You okay, dad?"
  "Is this real?"
  "I doubt it, but you get what you get when you eat dinner in an arcade." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• "Morty, do you know what the Bechdel Test is?"
  "The what?"
  "For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Allison—what the hell are they teaching you in that school?!"
  "Why is lesbian part of her job title?!"
  "Oh, now you're progressive?!" (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• "Your special time is your power. It makes you strong like a boob." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• "Fight them with your heavy special time." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• "You are, like, 90% cum gutter." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• VeggieTales (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• "He gets to spend eternity in every writer's hell: the Bible." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
• Black-ish Season Grade: C
• "Well, isn't that something? You wanna join Women Who Want to be Women."
  "That…that's the name of your organization?"
  "WWWW for short."
  "Is that shorter?" (Mrs. America, S01E06)
• "Billy likes to say that we educate men and women through college to be precisely equal, but then the men go off to do interesting things." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
• "You wanna get ahead climbing on the shoulders of men, Phyllis, fine. Just know they're looking right up your skirt." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
• "I just wish you'd said, 'She's not outspoken. She's the normal amount of spoken. She speaks about as much as any man.'" (Mrs. America, S01E06)
• "We're all secretaries to them." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
• "Under President Ford, America is on a steady course. Keep him."
  "'Keep him'? That's the best they could do?" (Mrs. America, S01E06)
• "We're all secretaries to them." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
• "So, we have decided to rotate our artworks. This was part of a bigger thing called 'The Guernica.' I just cut off the bit that has got me in it." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
• "Recognize this? It's my vulva." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
• "He's a wild card, that one."
  "What are you talking about? He's not a wild card. He's the card you get on the top of the deck that has the instructions on it, so you throw it away." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
• "He's in death mode so as to preserve energy." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
• "I knew a vegetarian once. She die." (Betty, S01E02)
• ♫: Basement Jaxx – "Magnificent Romeo" (Betty, S01E02)
• "You read The Alchemist, right?" (Betty, S01E02)
• "Gretchen‐Darth Mall" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
• "Schwifty live jazz" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
• "I don't even know what's real anymore. Is Friends real?" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
• "Look at this place. It's Trim City!" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
• "Put your sin in me."
  "His catchphrases need work."
  "Y'all ready for bisque?" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
• "Did you dump Diet Coke in her exposed brain?" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
• Nintendo Switch (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
• "It worked. We have pee data on everyone in the neighborhood!" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
• "And now, back to Solar Opposites. Unless you spring for expensive Hulu, then there was no commercial break and this doesn't make a whole lot of sense and is probably quite jarring." (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
• "Old people only drink Coke and they never shower." (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
• "This is just like the movie Green Room!" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
• "Do you really want to elect a man who's been inside your balls?" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
• "Did they make a True Lies 2?" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
• "The only good ceremony involving children is the Jewish one where they cut off the penis." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• "This is just like the time when I married Ansel Elgort." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• "I wanted to be on Kimmel." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• Penn and Teller (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• "I'm as famous as a magician can get. Think the third Hemsworth brother." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• "Girls of the Pac-10!" (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• "Benihana, bitch." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• "I Now You See Me'd you!" (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
• "My plan is to just slip into the seat, do nothing, then eventually, it'll seem normal that I'm there. It worked for Hulu." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)
• "Aiden, Braden, Jaeden, Mark." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)
• "He's filling up our DVR with Madam Secretary." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)
• "This town has a real problem with unexplained high-concept injuries." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)

(Solar Opposites, S01E04)

• "Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "Hey, can you please trap Jesse in the hell dimension? She sucks ass."
  "No. That dimension is for work enemies and Ansel Elgort only." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "An intense psychological mind game, not unlike the Academy Award‐winning film Suicide Squad." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "I don't mean to live más right now, but instead of thinking outside the box, maybe they should be thinking outside the [vomits]." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "2Pac is like oxygen because we need him to live, while Sisqó is more like plutonium because he was kinda just a one‐hit wonder that we've forgotten about." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• Molecular biology textbook dumb-ray'd into the Bible (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• Gronk jersey (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "Fuck you, spider." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "Whoa, Terry, let's watch all the Resident Evils." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "After this, let's do reverse cowgirl in the theatre. Then we're ass‐eating in the chem lab."
  "But I'm wearing open‐toed sandals." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "We caught the teachers eating each other's asses, so they gave us A's in all our classes." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
• "Think about it. Tig. Old. Bitties."
  "I‐I definitely understand. It's announcing that the bitties are aged."
  "Oh, my favorite bitties are tig." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• "I just need to find a glass ceiling and shatter the crap out of it. Otherwise, Jill Soloway made I Love Dick for nothing." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• "Everyone on the internet is always fighting about who can be president or who can bust ghosts." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• "Dig old bicks" (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• "Ah, football is amazing. Apparently, we can watch jets battle the color brown."
  "This is a color brown house. We are color brown fans under this roof." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)

(Solar Opposites, S01E06)

• "Chads, we got a girl on the team!" (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• "I'm the first woman to mansplain jazz. It's, like, all about syncopation." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• "You know what I do when I'm out of ideas? Cocaine. And then I get, like, a million ideas at once." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• "Don't worry, you won't be bored. I made you a cuck‐bot for company. I didn't try to make him look like Ted Cruz. It just happens with these things." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
• Kramer (Solar Opposites, S01E07)
• "Let us reflect on all the bowed one's kind words and wondrous deeds: The time she gave us beef jerky."
  "All thanks to Jesse."
  "The day she changed Yumyulack's phone alarm to not be Maroon 5." (Solar Opposites, S01E07)
• "I guess I'll have to force Jesse to like me with Craig T. and Nelson." (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
• "Oh, god, I made love to a lot of equations in here."
  "Oh, you fucked math?" (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
• "Hey, man, I can't live with a dude this basic. I bet he has a true crime podcast. Like, he does one. Listening, cool. Doing one, yee‐hee…" (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
• "I thought you said frozen yogurt was ice cream for narcs." (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
• "You turned him into a Game Boy cartridge."
  "Just forget what you saw here, sir."
  I can't! It's so specific!" (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
• "I mean, how are we sure that we're not in a The Matrix or a Matrix Reloaded?"
  "Because there would be green numbers floating around and leather sunglasses."
  "Well, it's gotta be something. Okay, and I can figure this out. I mean, we could be in an eXistenZ‐type sitch."
  "Stop it! Last week, you thought we were in an eXistenZ because the drive‐through gave us an extra order of fries. We can't be in an eXistenZ every time you're freaking out."
  "We've gotta be in some fucked up Strange Days Altered States Lawnmower Man Horton Hears a Who thing."
  "Maybe we're in a Tron."
  "Don't egg him on. This isn't a Tron." (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
• Solar Opposites Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Watchmen
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Dave

18. Fanboys (Harley Quinn, S02E05)

Honourable Mention

• "Jail" video (Dave, S01E10)

Stray Observations

• Briefcase gun (Westworld, S03E07)
• "Don't lecture me, you fucking can opener." (Westworld, S03E07)
• "An insane AI. Great." (Westworld, S03E07)
• "I'm a fucking bastion of society." (Westworld, S03E07)
• "Every human relationship can be adjusted with the right amount of money." (Westworld, S03E07)
• "My boy Mike makes this Hennessy turkey." (Insecure, S04E03)
• ♫: Vince Staples – "So What? [Episode 01]" (Insecure, S04E03)
• "That girl got you on the path and everything, meetin' the Fockers and shit. " (Insecure, S04E03)
• "You watching Finding J-Kwon?" (Insecure, S04E03)
• "Welcome to Fixing Sinks for Playas." (Insecure, S04E03)
• "I don't fuck with adult twins." (Insecure, S04E03)
• "Is he Korean?" (Insecure, S04E03)
• "I don't know, I got the nigga with potential. You know, I got the work-in-progress. And it took a lot of support and patience and… I just… I feel like… She's reaping all the benefits of his time with me." (Insecure, S04E03)
• "Dads are niggas too." (Insecure, S04E03)
• "Inner City Los Angeles Police Department" (Insecure, S04E03)
• ♫: Mýa – "Case of the Ex" (Insecure, S04E03)

(Run, S01E03)

• "I can't do pasta. Don't understand it. It needs to be soft and hard at the same time?" (Breeders, S01E10)
• "Can you pay extra for color? Or are these all in black and white?" (Breeders, S01E10)
• "We had a set-to about nuggets and it all went wrong." (Breeders, S01E10)
• "Talking to yourself?"
  "Probably." (Breeders, S01E10)
• Breeders Season Grade: C
• "I don't think it's smart to buy four houses with no money down. You think they're gonna give the first black president a strong economy?" (Black-ish, S06E22)
• "I don't like the limelight." (Mrs. America, S01E04)
• "I hate Los Angeles." (Mrs. America, S01E04)
• Bobby Cannavale as Tom Snyder (Mrs. America, S01E04)

(WWE NXT, 29 Apr 20)

• "♫ Rake, rake my nuts? ♫" (Dave, S01E10)
• "♫ Time slots? Yeah, for head. ♫" (Dave, S01E10)
• "♫ Off-colored dick. Darker than I expected. I realized in that moment I've never seen a Mexicano's dick before. ♫" (Dave, S01E10)
• "I like this non-dick one." (Dave, S01E10)
• Benny Blanco's phone case (Dave, S01E10)
• Dave Season Grade: B
• "You want to end up like Arianna?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E04)
• "sirbobgeldof@yahoo.com." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E04)
• "The Tide to Go pens were on sale, so you got some extra cash."
  "Unforeseen riches." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E04)

(A Parks and Recreation Special, 30 Apr 20)

• ♫: California Gold – "Stand Close" (Better Things, S04E10)
• Better Things Season Grade: D
• Codpiece that opens up and shoots a tiny missile callback (Harley Quinn, S02E05)
• ♫: Letherette – "Woop Baby" (Betty, S01E01)
• ♫: A$AP Rocky – "Fuckin' Problems [feat. Kendrick Lamar, 2 Chainz, and Drake]" (Betty, S01E01)
• "People love a good pub quiz — a uniquely British invention combining our two greatest loves: drinking and being right." (Quiz, S01E01)
• "Coffee? How do you take it?"
  "Oh, just, erm, massive." (Quiz, S01E02)
• "For the quizzing fraternity, we're the artisan weavers and Google's the power loom. Yeah, the bottom's falling out of the truth market, Mr. Smith." (Quiz, S01E03)
• Quiz Season Grade: C
• ♫: Imogen Heap – "Hide and Seek" (Normal People, S01E02)
• ♫: Elliott Smith – "Angeles" (Normal People, S01E02)
• ♫: Yaz – "Only You" (Normal People, S01E03)
• ♫: Billie Martin – "La Lune" (Normal People, S01E05)
• ♫: Ane Brun – "Make You Feel My Love" (Normal People, S01E05)
• ♫: Carly Rae Jepsen – "Too Much" (Normal People, S01E06)
• "Don't know why I can't make people love me." (Normal People, S01E08)
• ♫: Fionn Regan – "Dogwood Blossom" (Normal People, S01E12)
• Normal People Season Grade: C
• "Hey, babe, I just ran into my pube stylist, so I gotta drone." (Upload, S01E01)
• "And the sun on the ripples, it's a repeating GIF." (Upload, S01E01)
• Sandwich and NOS (Upload, S01E02)
• "Oscar Mayer Intel: Pushing the boundaries of meat." (Upload, S01E03)
• "She's hot, right? Something about that Great Depression vibe, like she'd do anything for a can of soup." (Upload, S01E03)
• "Jack, your hair looks really clean today."
  "Mommy washed it." (Upload, S01E03)
• "At this time, I would just like to ask, you know, any of my friends if they want to say anything about me."
  "I always knew you jerked it to women's tennis."
  "Okay."
  "Was it the grunting, or…?"
  "[laughs] Okay. Would anyone other than Unc—Uncle Larry, put your fucking hand down." (Upload, S01E03)
• ♫: Fruit Bats – "The Bottom of It" (Upload, S01E03)
• "I've spent more on an endangered parrot sandwich." (Upload, S01E04)

"Yeah, they only get two gigs of data a month, and once they run out, they can't afford anything. They don't even get the basic sweat suit included in the plan."
"Whoa. Wait. He doesn't have a penis."
"Yeah, it must be the end of his month."
"Oh, man, he's making clothes out of Lean Cuisine boxes."
"No, that's not…"

"Oh."
"Okay."
"That's actually kind of impressive, but Horizen should just give anybody a penis."
(Upload, S01E04)

• "My dad got Ang Lee to edit the body cam footage from our first night together." (Upload, S01E04)
• "There's some sort of tech issue happening with Nathan's dick." (Upload, S01E04)
• "I got real celebrity memories here, people! Pulled moments after upload. Drake pooping." (Upload, S01E05)
• "And then, with no warning, he's like, 'Leesha, the bichon frise has been sick all week.' I'm like, 'Yeah, 'cause you keep feeding it Raisinets.'" (Upload, S01E05)
• "Condom size dispute. Aisle four." (Upload, S01E06)
• "It's the Virtual Gordita Crunch." (Upload, S01E06)
• "Cease crunching!" (Upload, S01E06)
• "My 'fingers and dicks' file is bulging."
  "When do you start taking dicks?" (Upload, S01E06)
• "I have a hook-up at Frontier-Spirit-United. Are you willing to fly Economy Minus?" (Upload, S01E08)
• Panera Zales/Facebook (Upload, S01E08)
• "I have student loans, and Pence University wants their money." (Upload, S01E09)
• Upload Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Watchmen
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Dave

17. Roadkill (Dave, S01E09)

Honourable Mention

• Elliot vs. Albanians fight (Gangs of London, S01E01)
• Elliot vs. gypsy butcher fight (Gangs of London, S01E01)
• Grocery Store Ad (Saturday Night Live, S45E17)

Stray Observations

• "I think humanity is a thin layer of bacteria on a ball of mud hurtling through the void. I think if there was a God, he would've given up on us long ago. He gave us a paradise, and we used everything up. We dug up every ounce of energy and burned it. We consume and excrete, use and destroy. Then we sit here on a neat little pile of ashes, having squeezed anything of value out of this planet, and we ask ourselves, 'Why are we here?' You wanna know what I think your purpose is? It's obvious. You're here, along with the rest of us, to speed the entropic death of this planet. To service the chaos. We're maggots eating a corpse." (Westworld, S03E06)
• "Don't pick up nothin' that don't serve you, girl." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "It's uncomfortable but it's, like, good uncomfortable." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "Press my booty button." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "I don't like this. Condola talking to old girl about you. They gonna start a podcast about your dick." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "Look at all this gluten." (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: Zaia – "Waste My Time" (Insecure, S04E02)
• "Hey, y'all wanna buy some chocolate? It's for the homeless."
  "Is it?"
  "Uh-uh." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "There's too much salt."
  "I ain't makin' another roux. We just gonna have to die." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "We have put as many resources as we can towards finding Toyota." (Insecure, S04E02)
• "They never find us." (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: Justice Allah – "Drunk Off Water" (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: KAMAUU – "Far Rockaway" (Insecure, S04E02)
• ♫: Lake Street Drive – "Just Ask" (Run, S01E02)

(Better Call Saul, S05E10)

• Better Call Saul Season Grade: C
• The Plot Against America Season Grade: C
• "I am once, twice, three times a very happy man."
  "Me too."
  "Sorry, sorry. Inappropriate." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "How are they, dad?"
  "Still very painful. […] Oh, the kids." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "They spell Kids' Club with an apostrophe before the S." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "I mean, it'll be a normal temperature, whatever normal is. Is it 36? It'll be a normal 36, I imagine." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "Cigarette?"
  "No. See, the cigarette's just a MacGuffin. It's the standing still I'm really addicted to." (Breeders, S01E09)
• "We are diverse within ourselves." (Mrs. America, S01E04)
• "Lesbians are welcome. Horizontal hostility is not." (Mrs. America, S01E04)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)

• "Virgins in my area" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Um, ocupado."
  "Yes. Uh, we are just taking a nice shit together." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Calm yourself, dear. You're just feeling a little bit demented, that's all. I'm so sorry about your brain." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Sorry about how demented you are." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "And here it is, the crown jewel of the home: The world's largest collection of Ocean's Twelve memorabilia." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Yeah, it's like, they did some decent world-building in Eleven, but it all pays off in Ocean's Twelve."
  "You need to fucking stop talking about the sea." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "You are a lying piece of old cabbage!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Uh, not now. We are taking a human shit together."
  "Have either of you two seen a jade necklace containing the bloodcurdling screams of my dead mother in here?"
  "Eh… Oh, maybe check behind the Andy Garcia cross-stitch." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "I'll go get my head-ripping gloves." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "She was such a brilliant LARPer." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E03)
• "Oh, that's the one where George Clooney's the fox, right?"
  "No, no no. Breaking Bad is a TV show. It's, like, about meth. You're thinking of Fantastic Mr. Fox." (Dave, S01E09)
• "You know I can ejaculate hands-free?"
  "Well, sounds like you don't need me then for your, uh, Bluetooth orgasm."
  "I'm not gonna do it right now. I'm gonna let the cream brew." (Dave, S01E09)
• "♫ Fuck hikes / Fuck hikes / They really hurt my back ♫"
  "You know it sounds like you're saying 'fuck Jews,' right?" (Dave, S01E09)

(Dave, S01E09)

(Dave, S01E09)

• "I re-invented diarrhea." (Dave, S01E09)
• "Okay, first of all, he's a horse, so he can't be condescending." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• "Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• "Charles, meet Mac. Short for McClane."
  "As in Shirley? I love it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• "Mommy brain much?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S07E13)
• Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C
• Ruben Rabasa (Better Things, S04E09)
• "So beautiful. It reminds me of my mother."
  "Okay, everyone into the ice vagina." (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "Four minutes early. Perfect. Eager, but not desperate." (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "I'm so cold, my nuts are the size of Dippin' Dots!" (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "Wait, you're telling me aioli is just mayo mixed with something else?"
  "A little bit of an industry secret." (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "And then, we can give your healthy blood to your wife."
  "[imitating Borat] 'Your wife!'" (Harley Quinn, S02E04)
• "And you did all that on your own? What was it, six of them?"
  "Uh, eight. But I had a dart, so…" (Gangs of London, S01E01)

(Gangs of London, S01E05)

(Gangs of London, S01E05)

(Gangs of London, S01E07)

• "I feel nothing, nothing at all."
  "At least honor his death with satisfaction." (Gangs of London, S01E09)
• Gangs of London Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Watchmen
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Dave