Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on

19. Speedballing (Patrick Melrose, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Barry and Chris in the car (Barry, S01E07)
  • David watches a mouse sing Bryan Ferry's "Slave to Love" (Legion, S02E06)
  • Marilyn's post-mortem fate (The Americans, S06E07)

Stray Observations

  • "That's impossible!"
    "You know I hate the word 'impossible' unless it's immediately followed by the words 'ghost' and 'protocol.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E20)
  • Speed Racer (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E20)
  • "I don't get the internet with my Netscape Blip." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E20)
  • "Oh, my God, they're in a penis punch 69!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E20)
  • ♫: Sitar-driven "Seven Nation Army" (Westworld, S02E03)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: C
  • "Richard, adversity is a great teacher, just like cigarette burns." (Silicon Valley, S05E07)
  • "Paul, let me show you something. Do you know what a hammer is?"
    "Yes."
    "And do you know what a nail is?"
    "Yes."
    "Well, that, young man, is all you need to know about crucifixion." (Trust, S01E07)
  • "Do you want to know what happened to this poor fellow here? It was perfectly unpleasant." (Trust, S01E07)
  • Subtitles crumbling and collapsing (Trust, S01E07)
  • Rob Delaney (Trust, S01E07)
  • "Recently, our dear friend Ryan Madison was taken away from us too soon. Because of this, all of the proceeds from tonight's show will go towards the fight against violence." (Barry, S01E07)
  • "Alapse, poor pbpbpb. Fuck. Forgot my line." (Barry, S01E07)
  • "So anyway, I'm on the back of a Jet Ski with Cornel West, and he tells me, 'Hey, you're leaning too far to the left.' I said, 'No, you leaning too far to the left."
    "Oh! I see what you did. I see it."
    "Y'all talking about Cornel West?" (New Girl, S07E05)
  • ♫: Noah Hawley and Jeff Russo – "I'd Love to Change the World" (Legion, S02E06)
  • A Clockwork Orange (Legion, S02E06)
  • "In the ancient days, mankind built a tower so high that it threatened to touch Heaven, and God cursed us with foreign language, misunderstanding, and the inability to communicate. But I know what's in the heart of every man, woman and child on this Earth. Gone is the confusion, the division. I am the great uniter." (Legion, S02E06)


(Legion, S02E06)

  • ♫: Noah Hawley and Jeff Russo – "Superman" (Legion, S02E06)
  • Arrow Cheryl (Riverdale, S02E21)
  • "Untie her, you Serpent hag." (Riverdale, S02E21)
  • ♫: grandson – "Blood // Water" (Riverdale, S02E21)
  • "You're a brown Joe Buck."
    "Ha ha ha. No. Joe Buck is a white me." (Brockmire, S02E03)
  • "I also represent some actors. I have four clients on Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta right now." (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "Is that beer?"
    "[pause] Nah…" (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "I know you sell weed, so you don't care about time."
    "True." (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "This school is awful!" (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "When you piss, do you go straight through the zipper or do you go over the boxers?"
    "Over the boxers."
    "Yeah, me too. But is that the right way, though?"
    "I don't think so." (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "Mr. X?" (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "Do you think there's a black lawyer who's as good as your cousin?"
    "There definitely is, but, um, part of being good at your job are your connections, and black people just don't have the connections that my cousin has – for systemic reasons." (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "Y'all take RushCards?" (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "I see you, man. I see you learning. But learning requires failure. Al just trying to make sure you ain't failing in…in his life. You know, like, y'all both black, so, I mean, y'all both can't afford to fail."
    "Do Nigerians get a chance to fail?"
    "Hey, don't you start that. You know Nigerians don't fail." (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • RT: Darius subtly wearing a gold grill to get his passport photo (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "Niggas do not care about us, man. Niggas gonna do whatever they gotta do to survive 'cause they ain't got no choice. We ain't got no choice either. You my family, Earn. Yeah, you…you're the only one that knows what I'm about. You give a fuck. I need that." (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • ♫: Nina Simone – "I Shall Be Released" (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • "Listen, man, I got Chinese food with a side of chocolate." (Atlanta, S02E11)
  • Atlanta Season Grade: A

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Barry

#clipoftheweek

Play the Goddamned Part

on

// Billings, MT


Unfortunate name.

Oh, he named his son Harry?


I wouldn't classify boba and rolled ice cream as "such" to burgers.

If Manchu Wok is Panda Express adjace, then what is Flaming Wok?

Rory: Taco Time?

At some locations, Pizza Hut is literally Taco Bell adjace.


One of these things is not like the others…

I also saw a few "casino and liquor store"s, which… Part of the appeal of a casino is free drinks.

Combination Pizza Hut and casino – Pizza Hut and Such.


"Steak Outfitters."


"Baseball Comic."

Proposed NBA Playoffs Improvements

on

Previously on Adam Riff™:

1. The winning team of a series gets to add one member of the losing team to its bench.

So, for example:

The Rockets beat the Timberwolves in the first round and add Karl-Anthony Towns to its bench for the second round.

The Rockets beat the Jazz in the second round and Donovan Mitchell joins Towns on its bench for the Western Conference Finals.

The Rockets beat the Warriors in the Western Conference Finals and enter the NBA Finals with Towns, Mitchell, and Steph Curry on its bench.

Never worry about NBA Finals ratings again. You guarantee yourself star power in the NBA Finals.

2. The three players who were added to the NBA champion's bench do not receive rings.

It's like how chefs who were eliminated on Top Chef return to assist the finalists for the final challenge.

3. To add some strategy, the team with the best regular season record in each conference gets to seed its bracket 2 through 8.

Giving yourself an easier path to the NBA Finals means strengthening your opponent in the Conference Finals.

4. To be somewhat fair, the teams with the four best regular season records in each conference maintain home court advantage in the first round, regardless of how they are seeded.

Steven: Wouldn't work. Why would a superstar help out an opposing team if he doesn't get a ring
Steven: Maybe it would work if they went to opposing conference
Steven: If I'm Donovan Mitchell I don't wanna help out Houston but I'll gladly help an eastern team to beat Houston
Jon: Hmm…

1. The two teams in the NBA Finals get to add one player from each team their opponent vanquished on its road to the Finals.

So, for example: The Cavaliers add Karl-Anthony Towns, Donovan Mitchell, and Steph Curry to its bench for an NBA Finals against the Rockets.

2. The six added players are ineligible for rings, but all receive $50,000 (furnished by the league) for every minute played in the NBA Finals.

3. In each round of the playoffs, every team can exercise one power play – two minutes in which every point it scores is doubled.

Teams can exercise their power play at any time.

4. The NBA All-Star Game MVP receives immunity from fouling out throughout the playoffs.

He can foul unlimited times. Suspensions and ejections for technical and flagrant fouls still apply, however.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

on


18. A Kanye Place (Saturday Night Live, S43E19)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Evil sees me as one of them."
    "So, you're like Kane."
    "That's what I was thinking."
    "Kane?"
    "Kane. WWE. He's a wrestler. Half good, half bad. Come on, Brandy, keep up." (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E10)
  • Ash vs. Evil Dead Season Grade: C
  • "Why are you guys dressed like that? You look like you're on Empire."
    "That's what we were going for. Drip drop…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "Why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant?"
    "Title of your sex-tant tape."
    "Ah, did not work at all, but I love that you attempted it. Title of your sex-tant tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "We've been at this bachelor party for over an hour, wandering around aimlessly, and we haven't done one bachelor party thing!"
    "Well, Terry, if you'd like, I could share a lewd story. Kevin got me quite horny this morning." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "I don't want fanny granola! I want steaks and whiskey!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "All we have to do is decipher this list of thousands of random numbers."
    "Huh, I wonder if one of them is 6-9?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • "Nothing…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • ♫: Vitamin C – "Graduation" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E19)
  • ♫: Piano "Runaway" (Westworld, S02E02)
  • "We have toiled in God's service long enough, so I killed him." (Westworld, S02E02)
  • "You know who loves staring at their own reflection? Everybody." (Westworld, S02E02)
  • "Richard, you have an enormous heart, and I don't mean in the same way my deceased friend Gloria did, which the doctors should have really caught because her knuckles were gargantuan." (Silicon Valley, S05E06)
  • "Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this. Sometimes you have to numb yourself. If you wanna work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick. That's why you do the oxy." (Silicon Valley, S05E06)
  • ♫: Piano "Where Is My Mind?" (Black-ish, S04E21)
  • ♫: Two Coldplay ballads (Black-ish, S04E21)
  • LA to Vegas Season Grade: C
  • "Coach, are you mad 'cause he still thinks that the movie should be called Paul Blop: Mall Cop?"
    "It should be. It's so close to rhyming perfectly. They gave up."
    "'Blart' is an actual last name. 'Blop' is a sound effect."
    "I need to get out of this situation before I get very angry." (New Girl, S07E04)
  • ♫: "Cat World" (New Girl, S07E04)
  • "Coach wanted to open up a gym and I wanted to help. Only it wasn't a gym, it was a restaurant: Coach's Jim. J-I-M. It was a Ruth's Chris situation." (New Girl, S07E04)
  • "Why are people taking pictures of the body? Is that a thing?"
    "Yeah. Taking pictures of the casket is the only African-American tradition I really can't get behind."
    "Ugh, that is so ratchet. I'm just gonna go Snapchat the flowers." (The Last O.G., S01E05)
  • RT: Excuse me, but this episode has a character named Elio, and later someone mentions San Junipero. (Riverdale, S02E20)


(Riverdale, S02E20)

  • Mail Robot takes the elevator (The Americans, S06E06)
  • "FUCK!" (The Americans, S06E06)
  • ♫: Tears For Fears – "Ideas As Opiates" (The Americans, S06E06)
  • "Hey, you saw that Dragon Ball Z last night?"
    "Nah, my mom won't let me watch it anymore. Saw the black guy with the red lips and now she says it's racist." (Atlanta, S02E10)
  • "You are a black man in America, and when you meet people, you need to look good. Your clothes are important." (Atlanta, S02E10)
  • Kenan as Takeoff (Saturday Night Live, S43E19)
  • Oran "Juice" Jones – "The Rain" (Saturday Night Live, S43E19)
  • "…Stop until…I feel tears on my titties." (Dear White People, S02E02)
  • "Check out millennial Frederick Douglass calling me 'Carlton.'"
    "Nigga, you dressed like you got a tee time later."
    "Nigga, you dressed like Che Guevara at Fashion Week."
    "What is this, the dozens?"
    "Nobody says that anymore."
    "What are you, 35?" (Dear White People, S02E02)
  • "Trust me. Ass-getting is my minor." (Dear White People, S02E03)
  • "As a white person, what can I do? Do I watch more BET? 'Cause I am down. I love that show." (Dear White People, S02E04)
  • "I fell for a guy who's hot and well-connected and eats the booty like high-end groceries."
    "High-end?"
    "He savours every bite. Hole Foods." (Dear White People, S02E04)
  • "If only I could order you in a Mahershala." (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • "Are you boy-smiling?"
    "What? No."
    "You've been humming 'Weak' all day and SWV is boy-smiling music."
    "I'm not, and black people are always humming 'Weak.'" (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • Tessa Thompson (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • "Trevor, are you a hotep?" (Dear White People, S02E05)
  • "If you're looking for base social commentary, try Andy Borowitz." (Dear White People, S02E06)
  • "Well, why don't you take a page out of the Fallout 4 handbook?"
    "Kill mutants and miss the RPG elements of the previous games?" (Dear White People, S02E06)
  • ♫: Someone – "Forget Forgive" (Dear White People, S02E08)
  • "Stop colonizing quinoa! #QuinWoke" (Dear White People, S02E10)
  • "What if it's just a cult, like hot yoga or New Hampshire?" (Dear White People, S02E10)
  • ♫: Jidenna – "Decibels" (Dear White People, S02E10)
  • The television week begins and ends with Giancarlo Esposito cameos (Westworld, S02E02; Dear White People, S02E10)
  • Dear White People Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Barry

#clipoftheweek

Which brings me to the sex robots

on

// Billings, MT

"You have Uber here?"

My wonder never ceased in the Magic City.

"You have an H&M?"
"You have a trampoline park?"
"You have plastic surgeons?"

"Another Tenacious D song? I'm surprised at their Q Score with this crowd."

Saturday night karaoke at the Crystal – white people karaoke, where you sing in front of everybody, not Asian people karaoke, where you sing amid mates in a private room, or mixed race karaoke, where you read an Asian translation of lyrics to an English-language song and translate them back into English as you sing.

[flipping through the song catalogue]

Hmph. No "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back" by Shawn Mendes.

No "Nugget" by Cake either.

"A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying" is available, though.


!

Hm. There's a Gravity Kills song, but it's not "Guilty." It's some song from 2002?

There's no mistaking the devotion the members of the Billings Kiss tribute band Strangeways have for their favorite band. [source]

Adam Robot: There's a Johnny Cash and Led Zep one too I believe.

Nellie Kush

on

// Silicon Valley, CA

Jerry Mathers?!

[pause]

It's like Netflix is booking guests for comic cons nowadays.

Get them bags, Ryan Hurst.

Is the Renaissance the only time period with fairs? Are other time periods not viable?

Roman Fair. Future Fair. Spa Fair.

The Back to the Future films in reverse are the Westworld films in order.

William/Man in Black's greatest mistake should be a Jurassic park.

Enver Boncos

on

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Nov 2013):

Jon: I noticed the brake warning light, checked that the parking brake lever was pulled all the way up, and then brake pedal sensitivity plummeted. I can't stop your car at will, only slow it.
E: The parking brake lever was up?
Jon: Yes. All the way up.
E: Jon, the lever is supposed to be down.

Jon: Pushing a lever down to release a brake is unintuitive. So you press down to apply and release brakes on your car?
Jon: You pull a ship's anchor up. You flip a bicycle's kickstand up.

// Billings, MT

I found this note taped to the driver side window of my rental car:

I somehow left my car in "R" the night before and housekeeping found it in the middle of the parking lot with its lights on. How its windshield wipers activated, I don't know.

Fortunately, the car didn't hit anything and, after checking security footage, the hotel didn't have it towed.

Is the air conditioning broken?

The "fan" dial is set to "4"…

"103.7 The Hawk: The Classic Rock Station!"

♫ "In the Air Tonight" ♫

"Passenger Air Bag: Off." You can disable an airbag?

Oh. The button with a snowflake on it activates air conditioning. I thought it activated defrosting.

I don't associate a snowflake with air conditioning.

I call AAA to jump my rental car's battery.

A bloke resembling Baked Alaska shows up.

"Can you pop the hood?"
"My key fob doesn't work because the car battery died so I can't ope—"

He grabs the fob from me, pushes the button on its side, pulls out a physical key, opens the driver side door, and pops the hood.

Oh. That's what that button does.

I didn't successfully navigate any of the traffic circles I encountered.